Meanest thing you ever did to a telemarketer

[Divinus Arma]

So, I've had a couple drinks and I am browsing the Org, minding my own business. When I get the call. At just before 8pm PST from a telemarketer.

heh. Time to play.


I answer, "hello?"

He says, "Hi, this is Tom, calling about your student loans..."

I say, "Oh Hi! Hey can you give me one second? Hold on, I'll be right back with you."

....Five minutes pass by...

I say, "Are you still there?"

He says, "Hi..."

I say, "Sorry. Hold on one sec, I'll be right with ya..."

...Five minutes pass by...

I say, "Hey, are you still there?"

He says, "Yes. Hi, this is Tom. I'm calling from a non-profit organziation..."

I say, "Damn. I'm sorry, can you hold on for just one more minute please?"

He says, "sure..."

...five minutes pass by...

I say, "Hey thanks for holding. How do you like your ****ing time wasted? So don't waste my ****ing time you Son of a *****!!!!"

*CLICK* I hung up.

Heh. What's your dirtiest trick?

[Crazed Rabbit]

Hey, I bothered one with so many questions that they hung up ("We've got mountains around here, with lots of snow. I like to go skiing. Do you like to go skiing?" *click*). Another me and my brother tagged team, making up rediculous crap about us calling foreign countries after having been there (he was selling phone service), and the telemarketer seemed to play along.
EDIT: Here's a fun flowchart for interrogating telemarketers:


Crazed Rabbit

[GoreBag]

I typically just hang up on them mid-sentence, but every once in a while, I'll wait for them to start speaking and then cut them with a death metal growl.

"Can I interest y-"
"BUUUUUUURGGGH."
"...I-"
"OOOOOOOOH."

Gets old after a bit, so I slam the receiver home.

[Captain Fishpants]

When dealing with call centres that I do not wish to use, I favour the line "I'm sorry, but I'm bored by talking to you. Can I talk to a grown-up please?"

[Xiahou]

Priceless, CR

DA doesnt have a bad tactic either. If you're looking to be a real turd to a telemarketer, the best thing you can do (no matter how you do it) is to waste as much of their time as possible. Both options fit the bill.

For my part, I almost never get telemarketing calls since Pennsylvania implemented it's do not call list. The only people that can call you are polling organizations, charities or groups you have a business relationship with- the last group is the one that still annoys me on occasion.

[R'as al Ghul]

In Germany the so called "cold aquise" is illegal.
Meaning that no company that hasn't my allowance or had prior contact with me is allowed to bother me with their calls.
After testing several routines on them, I now only ask them if they are aware of that law.
If they don't hang up immediatly I'll ask to remove my data and inquire where they have my number from.

Pretty lame, I know.
The counter-script is fun though.

[Lazul]

I usually just hang up, but sometimes I turn up the volume on my stereo insanely high and put the phone next to a speaker.

[R'as al Ghul]

I usually just hang up, but sometimes I turn up the volume on my stereo insanely high and put the phone next to a speaker.

That's actually illegal, too. It might result in an ear injury.
Same goes with whistles.
Not that I had any empathy with the victims.

[Sjakihata]

Why can you not just tell them, that you arent interrested in speaking to them? It's not like it's the telemarketer fault, instead blame the companies who do this surveys.

[rory_20_uk]

I've worked as a telemarketer many moons ago selling... double glazing

Personally people getting irritatied at me were some of the highlights of my day. After dealing with good natured no's hour after hour it was nice to get someone with some passion.

[Rodion Romanovich]

Telemarketer: "Hi I'm calling from..."
Me: "No thanks we're not interested bye" *hangs up*

I've had plenty of good ideas for what to do but never actually used any of them in practise... yet
*prints out CR's post*

[Rodion Romanovich]

Has anybody tried telephone sex to a telemarketer yet btw?

"Hi, I'm calling from..."
"I can hear that from your cute voice"
"well, I'm calling from"
"Oh yeah baby, what are you wearing?"
"I'm wondering if you're interested in..."
"That's the way baby, aaaah! ooooh! I can hear that you're naked! Come closer!"
[not continued for forum rules reasons...]

Might be even more intimidating to use against a male telemarketer...

[R'as al Ghul]

"I'm wondering if you're interested in..."
"That's the way baby, aaaah! ooooh! I can hear that you're naked! Come closer!"

Hilarious.

*takes notes*

[InsaneApache]

I've been inundated by telesales asking me to buy a 'free' mobile phone. I used to blow my old lifeguards whistle down the 'phone ( )

My latest tactic though goes like this:

telesales: Hi! is Mr. ***** there?

me: Who is this?

telesales: I'm just calling from (name of company), is Mr. ***** there?

me: How did you get this number and how do you know Mr. *****?

telesales: Are you Mr. *****?

me: No. I'm Detective Inspector Jones, and we are conducting an inquiry into the murder of Mr. *****, how long have you known him and how did you get his unlisted number?

That usually does the trick.

[Vladimir]

I've been inundated by telesales asking me to buy a 'free' mobile phone. I used to blow my old lifeguards whistle down the 'phone ( )

My latest tactic though goes like this:

telesales: Hi! is Mr. ***** there?

me: Who is this?

telesales: I'm just calling from (name of company), is Mr. ***** there?

me: How did you get this number and how do you know Mr. *****?

telesales: Are you Mr. *****?

me: No. I'm Detective Inspector Jones, and we are conducting an inquiry into the murder of Mr. *****, how long have you known him and how did you get his unlisted number?

That usually does the trick.

I think we have a winner.

[yesdachi]

We switched to cell phones a few years ago (completely ditching our landline) and haven’t had but a few calls since. Because of the caller ID on my cell I won’t answer if it is an “unknown” number, and they never leave messages, but if they keep calling I just answer and tell them it’s a business cell phone and they thank me for my time and say they won’t call again. Not very exciting.

[Divinus Arma]

Som e really good ones here. The counter script is very cool. But the murder one and the phone sex one are my faves. I thought keepign 'em on hold was bad.

edit: Oooh. Inspired by the murder response. In creepy serial killer voice: "It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again."

[Kraxis]

Som e really good ones here. The counter script is very cool. But the murder one and the phone sex one are my faves. I thought keepign 'em on hold was bad.

edit: Oooh. Inspired by the murder response. In creepy serial killer voice: "It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again."

Even better:

"Hi, I'm calling from *****, can I ask you a few questions?"

*In gravely voice* "What's your name?"

"Oh its ******"

*continued in gravely voice* "Well ***** do you like scary movies?"

From then on either the telemarketer should hang up, but if not it can actually get pretty funny as they might enjoy this little roleplaying game.

[Dutch_guy]

The next telemarketer that calls me is in for a big surprise, I think I'm going to merge all the great tactics read here and scare the hell out of the next unfortunate telemarketer that calls. Although it has been quite a while since the last one called - it doesnt happen to frequently.

On a side note, I still like Divinus' way best.

Wasting their time seems the most appropriate thing to do

[Lemur]

I usually just pretend I'm crazy. That gets rid of them in no time.

"Hello, may I please speak to ______?"
"Are you from Satan?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Are you from Satan? He talks to me. I just ... want to ... know ... if you're from Satan ..."

They never last past the second bit. Never.

Word of caution: Do not tell a telemarketer that you're dead. A friend of mine did this habitually, and one of the idiots informed all of the credit agencies that he was deceased. Took him two years to re-establish his credit, and he's still fighting it in some cases.

[BigTex]

I prefer the air horn.

"Hello is this Mr. *****?"

whisper "Yes"

"I'm calling from ****** and i just wanted to know......"

Wait for him to stop place air horn to the phone and bye bye telemarketer.

[Divinus Arma]

I prefer the air horn.

"Hello is this Mr. *****?"

whisper "Yes"

"I'm calling from ****** and i just wanted to know......"

Wait for him to stop place air horn to the phone and bye bye telemarketer.

lol.

Reminds me of drive-by airhorning. tee hee.

[Kaiser of Arabia]

"Hello, would you like to buy our newspaper?"

"Nah, man. I don't have a parakeet"

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

"Hello, would you like to buy our newspaper?"

"Nah, man. I don't have a parakeet"

[JimBob]

I try to sell them pizza or try to strike up a conversation on something strange. Philosophy or obscure history. Not mean, but it can be interesting.

The best was a friend of mine,
Them: "Hello I'm ******..."
Him: "They're under the bed."
Them: "Who is sir?"
Him: "Commies."
Them: "What?"
Him: "Nikita Khrushchev is under my **** bed."

[Divinus Arma]

"Nikita Khrushchev is under my **** bed."

That is one of the most random and funny sentences I have ever read on the Org.

Have a balloon.

[LeftEyeNine]

I try to sell them pizza or try to strike up a conversation on something strange. Philosophy or obscure history. Not mean, but it can be interesting.

The best was a friend of mine,
Them: "Hello I'm ******..."
Him: "They're under the bed."
Them: "Who is sir?"
Him: "Commies."
Them: "What?"
Him: "Nikita Khrushchev is under my **** bed."

This wins indeed DA's method is the runner-up.

[Csargo]

I try to sell them pizza or try to strike up a conversation on something strange. Philosophy or obscure history. Not mean, but it can be interesting.

The best was a friend of mine,
Them: "Hello I'm ******..."
Him: "They're under the bed."
Them: "Who is sir?"
Him: "Commies."
Them: "What?"
Him: "Nikita Khrushchev is under my **** bed."

Thats gotta be the best one.

[Kraxis]

This one I learned from Calvin (& Hobbes).

"Hello, I'm ***** from *****, can I talk to *****?"

"So I haven't got the [local] pizzeria?"

"No, as I said..."

"Oh sorry, then I must have gotten the wrong number." *click*

[Kanamori]

Back when Wisconsin didn't have a "no-call list" I would ocassionally pretend to be an English butler and run them around in verbal circles. Pretty lame. Now, I've never even had the thought of having to speak to a telemarketer...


I cannot see how they sold enough of their cheap stuff over the phone to make it profitable in the first place.