The point of this post? Pirates are cooler than ninjas, but Jack Bauer is cooler than Pirates, yet Jack Bauer = Ninja? Now that, my friends, is a philosophical quandry for the ages
Jack Bauer is NOT cooler than pirates. I refer you to his haircut. Never mind pirates, my postman has a cooler haircut than that. And has Jack Bauer ever climbed rigging with a cutlass in his teeth? I think not. And finally, Bauer is some sort of cop-spy thing isn't he, which makes him a civil servant. Whereas pirates are pirates.

Pirates pwn Bauer.