Top tips
Does anyone have any useful tips to pass on? Here are some I picked up from the Viz website.
CELEBRATE the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met.
COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
ANNOY and frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please."
NEWSREADERS. Save time in broadcasts by simply reporting when Pete Doherty hasn't been arrested on some drugs charge.
DOG OWNERS. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.
WEIGHT WATCHERS. After reaching your ideal weight, maintain it by weighing yourself before and after a dump. The weight difference is the amount of food you can eat before having another dump.
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
WOULD-BE CRIMINALS. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
TO MAKE a pot of supermarket coleslaw go further, simply grate a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise.
SUDOKU lovers. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to sudoku.sourceforge.net, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.
PAUL DANIELS. Liven up your routine by actually sawing the 'lovely' Debbie McGee in half on stage.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
FINCHLEY PARKIES. Putting a second 'No Ball Games' sign 8 yards (7.32m) to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost.
SKATEBOARDERS Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
SINGLE MEN. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
LEPRECHAUNS. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.
CINEMA GOERS. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pee before the film starts.
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