Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 30 of 39

Thread: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

  1. #1
    Evil Overlord Member Kaidonni's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    If I told you, I'd have to kill you. England.
    Posts
    340

    Default Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Okay, seeing as how the guys over in the M2TW Citadel are having a laugh about M2TW, I thought we could do the same for MTW (don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the game, just that it'd be fun to do some tongue-in-cheek humour).

    I'll start it rolling...on a fictional king...

    -Influence: 4 - 'Most nations recognise you as a power in the world of politics, but usually 'politely' ignore your suggestions. Perhaps a more forceful foreign policy is required, such as 'politely' invading said nations.'
    -Piety: 0 - 'At a loss for words because if anyone utters anything about this, he'll probably be burnt at the stake.'
    -Dread: 0 - 'A clown has more dread than this man.'
    -Command: 5 - 'This man likes to think he's a great general, but the only reason why most of his enemy fear his banner on the field of battle is because it has his mug painted on it. Nevertheless, he wins most battles because of this.'
    -Acumen: 1 - 'A peasant has more brains than this man. The relative closeness of his cousins explains this, though.'
    Last edited by Kaidonni; 06-05-2007 at 13:25.
    I believe in a society without rules, laws and regulations. A society where there are only ideas - strict ideas that must be followed to by the letter - and any failure to comply is punishable by death. This would be no dictatorship or police state, no one would be living in terror. It would merely be a 'reassessment of one's preferences,' people living in 'not-so-optimistic security.' So, welcome, those who are 'longing to be blindly obedient and loyal, unbeknownst to them.'

  2. #2
    Camel Lord Senior Member Capture The Flag Champion Martok's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    In my own little world....but it's okay, they know me there.
    Posts
    8,257

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaidonni
    -Command: 5 - 'This man likes to think he's a great general, but the only reason why most of his enemy fear his banner on the field of battle is because it has his mug painted on it. Nevertheless, he wins most battles because of this.'
    LOL! That one's definitely my favorite. Hmm, let's see what I can come up with....

    Command 1: "Knows to keep the pointy end of most weapons away from himself, and at least grasps the fundamentals....such as the concept of keeping one's front to the enemy."

    Acumen 2: "Although he'll never have the intelligence to appreciate a good book, he does understand the importance of being able to at least read and compose simple messages."
    "MTW is not a game, it's a way of life." -- drone

  3. #3

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    General attributes:
    Loyalty 3: "His lack of fealty is no impediment to his marrying a princess and being named Lord Chancellor."
    Loyalty 7: "This man is loyal enough to be treated like an dog and requires no titles or even pay."

  4. #4
    Sir Loin of Lamb Member General Dazza's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    101

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Influence 1: Most other kings would fail to recognise you at functions. The embarrassment of this has only been avoided as you are not invited to any. You once convinced the stablehand to clean the stables, but this came as a surprise to everyone.

    Dread 0: About as scary as Doris Day. Hobbies include patchwork quilting and smiling a lot. Your idea of a law and order crackdown is to hold a fete at the town watch.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Command 11: This general's amps go past 10 on the volume dial, allowing him to Spinal Tap enemies at will.
    Command X: This general is Chuck Norris, who went back in time and proceeded to roundhouse his way around the known world. He goes into battle alone, carrying his horse, which he proceeds to throw at the opposing general.

  6. #6
    Spirit King Senior Member seireikhaan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Iowa, USA.
    Posts
    7,065
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Hmm, I'll give it a try.

    Piety 0- This man believes that the world is round and that the sun is the center of the universe. Therefore, he must be a heretic.

    Dread 9- This man masquerades around in a "Jason" mask whilst brandishing a machete at his opponents and slaying hapless drunk teenagers in his free time.

    Acumen 0- This man has the higher brain capacity of a plank of wood. He requires a life jacket when attempting to consume a bowl of soup, as he has an unfortunate habit of nearly drowning in it otherwise.
    It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then, the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

  7. #7
    Member Member Caerfanan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Lyon, France
    Posts
    780

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Quote Originally Posted by greaterkhaan
    Piety 0- This man believes that the world is round and that the sun is the center of the universe. Therefore, he must be a heretic.
    That one's neat! :-)

    Unfortunately I don't have the english original quotes...

  8. #8
    Member Member Agent Miles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Dayton, Ohio
    Posts
    467

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Piety 9- This man believes that the world is round and that the sun is the center of the universe. Of course, he isn't going to tell the Pope that!
    Sometimes good people must kill bad people to protect the rest of the people.

  9. #9
    Arrogant Ashigaru Moderator Ludens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    9,063
    Blog Entries
    1

    Lightbulb Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Nitpicking: it's a myth that medieval people believed the earth was flat. Probably the peasants thought this, but medieval scholars and theologicians followed Aristotle, who stated the earth was round. They did, however, believe the earth was the center of the universe.

    Back to topic:
    Looking for a good read? Visit the Library!

  10. #10
    Sir Loin of Lamb Member General Dazza's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    101

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Piety 4: This person is in a constant state of confusion about the shape of the world. He thinks the new 'round-world' concept makes sense, but is swayed by the conviction of the 'flat-earth' peasants. The one fact that keeps him sane is the earth's 'centre-universe' position.

  11. #11
    Member Member Agent Miles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Dayton, Ohio
    Posts
    467

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Thanks Ludens. Nitpick #2, the sun isn't the center of the universe, just our solar system.
    Sometimes good people must kill bad people to protect the rest of the people.

  12. #12

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    -> Agent Miles: Heretic!

  13. #13

    Post Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Hope you guys don't mind, but I'll just submit a few of my highly miserable attempts at humour.

    Piety 0 - This man is so holy that he has photographs of God attached to his feet and a stainless steel candle stick on his right arm. However, since photographs don't exist in this age and stainless steel is yet to be invented, people think that he used heretic magic to travel in time.

    Acumen 0 - This man is a genius and thinks like a whirlwind, speeding through parchment-work every five seconds. Unfortunately, writing that fast with a eagle feather, tears the parchment to shreds resulting in no work getting done.
    Last edited by Omanes Alexandrapolites; 06-10-2007 at 21:18.
    Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go back to bed

  14. #14

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Nice ones Omanes, here's mine:

    Command 0: Intelligence reports and other vital information are by rule not submited to this man while campaigning; his superiors know just as well as his men that the difference they will make in the outcome is nill.

    Many Thanks

    Noir

  15. #15
    Member Member Bregil the Bowman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Cantware
    Posts
    109

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Quote Originally Posted by Agent Miles
    Thanks Ludens. Nitpick #2, the sun isn't the center of the universe, just our solar system.
    Arguably any determined point can be the centre of the universe, around which everything else revolves...
    Bregil the Bowman



    "Suppose Jerry invaded England - and tried to screw your sister. Wot would you do?"
    "I couldn't do nothin', could I? I'm in bloody North Africa!"
    (Spike Milligan - Monty: His Part in My Victory)

    Sic panis disintegrat

  16. #16
    Camel Lord Senior Member Capture The Flag Champion Martok's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    In my own little world....but it's okay, they know me there.
    Posts
    8,257

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Careful, folks. Let's not stray off-topic here.


    Ships: When it comes to understanding them and how they work, don't even try -- you'll end up in the loony bin if you do! Just make sure you have more of them than your enemy does. A lot more.
    "MTW is not a game, it's a way of life." -- drone

  17. #17

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Land Bridges: It is a little known fact that during the Medieval period armies had the ability to walk on water. A small trickle of water such as the Channel was no impediment to the invasion of the continent by the English.
    Old warriors know more tricks!

  18. #18

    Post Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Quote Originally Posted by Noir
    Nice ones Omanes
    Thanks Noir!
    Quote Originally Posted by Don Esteban
    Land Bridges: It is a little known fact that during the Medieval period armies had the ability to walk on water. A small trickle of water such as the Channel was no impediment to the invasion of the continent by the English.
    On the topic of landbridges:

    Piety 0 - This man is holy enough to walk across waters to attack his enemies, but not holy enough to know who God is or what the holy scriptures say.
    Last edited by Omanes Alexandrapolites; 06-11-2007 at 19:00.
    Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go back to bed

  19. #19
    Second-hand chariot salesman Senior Member macsen rufus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Ratae Corieltauvorum
    Posts
    2,481

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    How to judge your standing as a King and conqueror:

    Influence 9: You da man! Which part of your anatomy do you wish the Pope to kiss? Yes, yes, take all the princesses you want, and would you like a spare prince for your perverted heir, as well?

    Influence 8: Your lands are vast, your army invincible and your honour is great. Which is why your allies are all about to invade...

    Influence 7: You are famous throughout the world for the pointiness of your spears, the shininess of your armour, and the swiftness of your camels. Be sure your enemies are sharpening their spears, polishing their armour and doping their camels.

    Influence 6: Courtiers, diplomats and poets flood to your court to bask in your greatness. So do the spies and assassins looking for any chance to stab you in the back.

    Influence 5: Your kingdom is treated with a little respect - neighbouring kings will hesitate for at least a minute before killing your emissary, ravishing your princesses and invading your homeland.

    Influence 4: The name of your kingdom is known to your neighbours, but their princes would rather marry a goat than any of your princesses.

    Influence 3: Luckily your realm is so insignificant none of your enemies can actually find it on the map, saving your feeble armies from sure and certain annihilation.

    Influence 2: Two peasants and an old woman with a halbard do not make an army, and your realm is a patch of scrub inacapable of feeding a mangey goat.

    Influence 1: "Yo, Blair!"

    Influence 0: Who? Where?
    Last edited by macsen rufus; 06-12-2007 at 13:32.
    ANCIENT: TW

    A mod for Medieval:TW (with VI)

    Discussion forum thread

    Download A Game of Thrones Mod v1.4

  20. #20
    Camel Lord Senior Member Capture The Flag Champion Martok's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    In my own little world....but it's okay, they know me there.
    Posts
    8,257

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Brilliant, macsen rufus!

    Quote Originally Posted by macsen rufus
    Influence 1: "Yo, Blair!"
    Okay, now that's just mean.
    "MTW is not a game, it's a way of life." -- drone

  21. #21

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Quote Originally Posted by Martok
    Brilliant, macsen rufus!


    Okay, now that's just mean.
    I thought it was rather generous actually

    Blair would have negative dread and high piety as well.......
    Old warriors know more tricks!

  22. #22
    Second-hand chariot salesman Senior Member macsen rufus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Ratae Corieltauvorum
    Posts
    2,481

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Well, I had my doubts - was it too backroomy (what with the goats and everything ) and whether 1 and 0 were in the right order ....
    ANCIENT: TW

    A mod for Medieval:TW (with VI)

    Discussion forum thread

    Download A Game of Thrones Mod v1.4

  23. #23

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Piety:

    Piety 9: He believes has has been sent by god to conquer your lands and liberate you of your kingdom and wealth. His faith is unshakeable. He has even been known to claim that CA will feature "AI" in the next Total War game, whatever that may be...

    Piety 8: This man's middle name is "crusade" he has been known to quickly baptise the enemy before killing them...

    Piety 7: Surrounded by preachers night and day, he perhaps has the appearance of being devout but is not the perfect example of a pious ruler.

    Piety 6: Declaring a jihad for this man is no more serious than breaking wind.

    Piety 5: He has been known to execute the odd heretic on Wednesday afternoons after tea, though only when he is sober enough after returning from the tavern.

    Piety 4: He will use faith when it provides a means to an end. He is known to be muslim in several provinces, catholic in a few others and a pagan in several more, certainly a resourceful individual with much potential, though luring him out of the local brothel and into battle can be difficult.

    Piety 3: He occasionally opens a bible when getting back from devil worship society evenings...

    Piety 2: "Yo, Blair!" When he's not mutilating sheep and butchering entire villages of women and children he has been known to spend his free time mutilating more sheep and butchering even more villages of women and children.

    Piety 1: Lock up your daughters...

    Piety 0: Lock up your goats, sheep, camels, boars, donkeys...
    “The majestic equality of the laws prohibits the rich and the poor alike from sleeping under bridges, begging in the streets and stealing bread.” - Anatole France

    "The law is like a spider’s web. The small are caught, and the great tear it up.” - Anacharsis

  24. #24
    Evil Overlord Member Kaidonni's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    If I told you, I'd have to kill you. England.
    Posts
    340

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Command:

    Command 9: This man has the way of the warrior, so he always wins. Rematch? He wins again! Haha! Another Rematch? Haha! He wins again!

    Command 8: This man has been watching too much Lord of the Rings, and so has the upper hand on the uneducated or know-it-all folk of his enemy's armies. If only he could actually get hold of an army of ghosts now...

    Command 7: If only this man were as expert in bed as he is on the battlefield, he might actually have an heir or two. He is consoled by the fact that only if he dies in the script does he have anything to worry about.

    Command 6: If war breaks out, this man can competently take on his opponents...most of the time. The rest of the time he's too drunk from celebrating his great leadership.

    Command 5: Having removed his mug from the banners, the new reason why the enemy fears this man on the battlefield is that the telescope has been invented, and the enemy can see his face from afar now.

    Command 4: If only this man had actually spent more time practicing real battle drill instead of thinking playing RTS games all the time makes him an excellent commander...

    Command 3: A few choice decisions on the battlefield have made this commander stand out, notably running away while the rest of his army is being pwned and having to explain how he escaped from the clutches of doom as his last man fell by his side, surrounded, cut-off from any possible escape route.

    Command 2: Rather undependable in battle, anyone with higher command on Hard or Expert will crush his army, irregardless of armour, weapons, valour and tactics.

    Command 1: Oh, he isn't actually a commander. It's just for show.

    Command 0: Who needs an enemy when this guy does the job just as well?
    Last edited by Kaidonni; 06-14-2007 at 13:12.
    I believe in a society without rules, laws and regulations. A society where there are only ideas - strict ideas that must be followed to by the letter - and any failure to comply is punishable by death. This would be no dictatorship or police state, no one would be living in terror. It would merely be a 'reassessment of one's preferences,' people living in 'not-so-optimistic security.' So, welcome, those who are 'longing to be blindly obedient and loyal, unbeknownst to them.'

  25. #25
    Member Member Bregil the Bowman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Cantware
    Posts
    109

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Influence 0: Your armies are required to wear blue berets.
    Bregil the Bowman



    "Suppose Jerry invaded England - and tried to screw your sister. Wot would you do?"
    "I couldn't do nothin', could I? I'm in bloody North Africa!"
    (Spike Milligan - Monty: His Part in My Victory)

    Sic panis disintegrat

  26. #26

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Piety 9: You send your army into battle with little more than trousers and pointy sticks, yet you are sure of victory.

    Accumen 0: You send your army into battle with little more than trousers and pointy sticks, yet you are sure of victory.

  27. #27
    Sir Loin of Lamb Member General Dazza's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    101

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    OK, here's a go at dread...

    Dread 9: You mere presence causes grown men to cower, children to weep and women to avert their eyes in fear. By association, your horse is feared by other horses. If dread was measured in apples, you're an orchard baby.

    Dread 8: You’re marginally less scary, however this difference makes you the luckiest in terms of dread. While man and beast cower before you, many women are drawn to your power. As a result, you do well with the ladies. Apple scale: a row of trees.

    Dread 7: You’re an up-and-comer. Enemies on the battlefield fear and avoid you. In fact, so do your own troops. So fearsome is your general demeanour that your family dreads get togethers. Apple scale – big bushy tree.

    Dread 6: People generally see you as someone not to meddle with, but they don’t expect much of you either. Still, you creep the odd person out, and mosquitoes think twice before biting you. Apple scale: scrawny tree

    Dread 5: You’re remembered as the school bully who beat up on little kids until the day Henry Plantanaget gave you a bloody nose and made you cry. Ever since you’ve tried to recapture your glory days, but people no longer take you seriously. A warm apple pie.

    Dread 4: People see you as a pretty nice sorta guy. Somebody once mistook you for Genghis Khan at a fancy dress party, and everyone had a good laugh about it later. When pushed, you might yell at your kids. Apple scale: Golden delicious

    Dread 3: You’re one of the little kids 5-dread beat up on. As a result you often embark on long violent monologues about the injustice of life, but nobody listens. Apple scale: chewed up apple core.

    Dread 2: You ain’t foolin’ nobody. Your highest posting is as your unit’s mascot at after-battle parties. People think it’s cute when you scowl. Apple scale: pip

    Dread 1: When 3-dread people got sick of being beaten up by 5-dreaders, they’d take their frustrations out on you. Women insult you, puppies bite you, clowns scare you and children laugh at you. If you weren’t so spineless you’d be angry. Apple scale: A worm

    Dread 0: You’ve survived on the battlefield largely because the enemy chooses to save their energy for those that matter. Ineffectual in all areas of life, you are voted most likely to play for the English cricket team. Apple scale: An ant an apple once fell on.

  28. #28
    Cthonic God of Deception Member ULC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    In the swirling maddening chaos of the cosmos unseen to man...
    Posts
    4,138

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    I'll have a go at it! Err...Are vices/vitrues okay?

    Humanist - Your lack of belief and your setting up reason in place of faith has the pious concerned, but you continue you to tell them to worry about the Pope, who happens to be an aethist.

  29. #29

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    King Mongoloid III:
    --------------------

    Influence: 2
    Due to your insistence on designing the palace fountains yourself, they are now fed by the sewage system built by your father. As a result, you don't get many foreign visitors to your home, making international relations difficult.

    Piety: 9
    You are a true believer in all things. After all, it was God himself who told you to wear your underpants backwards. Also, you have declared a ransom on the head of the Bogey Man and demanded that the Tooth Fairy pays taxes.

    Dread: 5
    Despite you being fairly harmless, several foreign emissaries have returned to their lands with their ears severed. Admittedly, this was done by their own hand after putting up with several hours of your incessant lunatic ramblings.

    Command: 1
    Your soldiers are all too eager to get captured by the enemy. At least the enemy doesn't make them dress up in pink frilly skirts and pigtails.

    Acumen: 0
    Due to your extreme bloody-mindedness, as a toddler you would refuse to accept that the square peg would not fit in the round hole. Your education never progressed from there.

    V&Vs:-

    Crack-brained:
    You wear your socks on your ears and insist that your servants serve you your food via catapult.
    -2 Morale. -20 happiness.

    Steward:
    Despite the awful smell, the new irrigation system being connected to the city's sewers appears to have improved crop yields.
    +10% Farming Income, +10 happiness.

  30. #30
    Second-hand chariot salesman Senior Member macsen rufus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Ratae Corieltauvorum
    Posts
    2,481

    Default Re: Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

    Crack-brained:
    You wear your socks on your ears and insist that your servants serve you your food via catapult.
    -2 Morale. -20 happiness.
    Quite an image!
    ANCIENT: TW

    A mod for Medieval:TW (with VI)

    Discussion forum thread

    Download A Game of Thrones Mod v1.4

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO