Question for parents

**doc_bean** · 08-27-2006, 12:09

How annoying is it when someone comments on how you raise your children ?

I ask this because I recently did this with my niece who has a 6y old son (only child). Basically it started with her saying an offer by her parents of taking the kid with them on holiday next year was inappropriate, then things stated being about camps (like the boy scouts do in summer, is that the correct English term ?), boy scouts, after school activities in general and after a long time, it ended with me saying "So you just want to keep the kid at home throughout elementary school ?".
Now while I still stand by my point, I do feel I was out of place. Since that pretty much ended the conversation, and conversations with her usually only end because of time pressure, I think she felt the same.

So, how annoying is it really to have people constantly commenting on how you should raise your kids ? Is it worse when your parents (or parents in law) do it ? Do you get mad at people who do this ? Or do you just take it as well intentioned advice ?

**Tribesman** · 08-27-2006, 12:30

How annoying is it when someone comments on how you raise your children ?

Not annoying at all .
But then again the only comments I get are "how do you raise your children like that ?" .
And my response is "if they misbehave lock them under the stairs , burn their toys and cook their pets" .

The look on peoples faces is priceless

**Justiciar** · 08-27-2006, 17:14

Rofl! A model parent, indeed.

Well, I can't comment because I don't have kids yet. However my uncle and aunty, both a pair of freeloading hippies, felt (and still do) it was their god given right to criticise my parents on how "poorly" they'd raised their children. It always upset them to hear it. Oh how the truth hurts.

Ultimately though, parents should be told when they're doing a bad job, esspecially if the kid is still as young as 6.

**Papewaio** · 08-28-2006, 02:33

Its a bit different because you are talking to a relative. However even then a bit of diplomacy comes into play. An only child should be made to socialise more to make up for the lack of interactions with siblings. Camps are great for that.

A 6 year old I would not send off for a period of time without family members. Maybe for a weekend camp with the inlaws. However as for boy scouts I would wait till they are older depending on the child.

**Duke of Gloucester** · 08-28-2006, 09:56

Parents have a responsibility to bring up their children as well as they can, and therefore, they have the responsibility to make decisions about what is appropriate for their sons and daughters. Add to that the strong emotional attachment between parents and children, you will not get a favourable response if you start to question their judgement. I have never reacted favourably to this, although it has only happened a few times. You may believe, probably correctly, that you are both older and wiser than your neice, but I would advise not making judgements unless the safety of the child is at stake. You could try questions: "Would so-and-so enjoy such-and-such," but even this is risky.

**doc_bean** · 08-28-2006, 10:51

For the record, the kid is pretty well behaved and isn't much trouble (although he seems to lose some maturity when either of his parents is around), I didn't give harsh criticism about how they should discipline him more or anything like that.

Correction : she's actually my first cousin and not my niece, we use similar words differently in Dutch

She's 11 years older than me.

Originally Posted by Papewaio

A 6 year old I would not send off for a period of time without family members. Maybe for a weekend camp with the inlaws. However as for boy scouts I would wait till they are older depending on the child.

I mostly agree, but the original point was about a trip with his grandparents (when he would be virtually 8, his birthday is september 1), the kid is with them twice a week when my niece and her husband are working anyway.
The discussion also wasn't aimed at the past but at the future. So I wasn't really commenting on how they raised him.

Part of why I got a little ticked off was that she kept saying stuff about kids that did do these things when they were 6/7 (sending a kid to camp is for lazy parents, we can take care of our kid ourselves, blah blah blah) while I was one of those kids who went on camp at 6 and joined scouts (actually a similar organisation) at 6 or 7 (only stayed for about 3 years). So they were essentially insulting MY parents, who were also there but didn't say much during the whole thing.

Originally Posted by Duke of Gloucester

Parents have a responsibility to bring up their children as well as they can, and therefore, they have the responsibility to make decisions about what is appropriate for their sons and daughters. Add to that the strong emotional attachment between parents and children, you will not get a favourable response if you start to question their judgement. I have never reacted favourably to this, although it has only happened a few times. You may believe, probably correctly, that you are both older and wiser than your neice, but I would advise not making judgements unless the safety of the child is at stake. You could try questions: "Would so-and-so enjoy such-and-such," but even this is risky.

You are probably right on the mark. Now usually I expect she can take a little from me, but she seems to have had a similar discussion with her father in law the same week, so she probably felt like everyone was ganging up on her...

**yesdachi** · 08-28-2006, 14:13

My little one is a great kid and it takes more than criticism from someone who only sees them on holidays to annoy me. However, I am very open to friends of ours who interact regularly with us to give scrutiny of our parental actions. I might feel differently if our little one was a monster and we were bad parents, in which case we would probably deserve the criticism.

I have made comments (I unusually mind my own business but sometimes their kid’s actions effect my “business”) to my sister-in-law about her kids a time or two and it doesn’t seem to do anything aside from causing an argument, so I usually defuse the issue quietly without pissing everyone off by speaking what most already know and are thinking. FYI – my sister-in-law and her husband do not believe in punishment and it shows in the fact their kids don’t understand there are negative consequences to negative actions.

**Samurai Waki** · 08-28-2006, 20:31

I have to take in as much good advice as I can, because I never had an active parental role model in my life. My Fiancee's parents seem to know quite a bit, and are very supportive, and we've also gone to a few classes.

I guess it really doesn't matter how you raise your child, as long as you raise them enough to have a strong sense of Justice, Humility, and perseverence.