Short musing

[Ludens]

Welcome back, SwordsMaster.

English is not my first tongue, so I won't make any comments on the language. Your story is well written, as always, but I found the plot uninteresting. Just a man taking a decision. No conflict, no inner struggle. Just anger.

Don't get me wrong: it's a good story, just not up to your best.

[Banquo's Ghost]

Greetings, SwordsMaster.

I felt the piece was a little unfocussed, with no real clue as to the source of the protagonist's anger. Was he angry at his recent choice, the peace of the townsfolk, his war experience or all these? I don't get a sense of who the narrator is, or why I should care about him.

I liked the use of the guitar as a metaphor for elusive harmony, just out of his reach - which made me think perhaps it was an unquiet soul that frustrated him. Does he desire the farmer's life, a wife, a hearth, a routine? If so, why is he so angry with the townsfolk?

The style seems to indicate your aim to produce a seventeenth century feel, so there are some inappropriate words (like dad) which reduce the impact. Also, some of your sentences are very unwieldy and difficult to read because they contain too many clauses. The third sentence (begins 'The opportunity...') is a prime example - the paragraph is characterised by short, staccato sentences which one uses to build tension, except for that third sentence where the clauses bunch together and lose the attention and rhythm.

There are some nice touches, such as the hint about the musketeer life, and the longing for the girl he had seen. My personal preference is not to objectify women quite so much as this sentence does -

the dark skin on the neck, and open back, the lean, agile body under the dress and the long legs

and I would use 'her' rather than 'the' to personalise his desire a little - but then maybe you are communicating his brutishness, his inability to really think about a woman as anything but an object. I don't know enough about him to judge - yet.

There are some spelling errors that would benefit from a proof-read.

I get the feeling this is the opening for a longer story, and there may be much to tell. I liked the atmosphere, and the hint of tensions to come. I liked the music image, and wonder what it might portend. If you can make this opening more punchy and focussed, reveal more of the man's character and his distress, it should turn into a fascinating story of a soul-sick musketeer.

[SwordsMaster]

Thank you both for the criticism. It is hard to find critics, believe it or not, specially people who would not only tell you what is wrong but why. So again, thanks for elaborating Banquo's Ghost.

About the anger of the protagonist, I guess it was clear in my mental image, but not so clear after I wrote it down... He is frustrated, feels unchallenged, dull, his existence meaningless, and makes his decision after he sees the gypsy woman.

Anyway, I just got an hour off work and felt like writing something for the first time in months, so I decided not to waste the inspiration. I might do something bigger if I can gather a good focus for a story. Or rather if a good focus finds me...

PS: Ludens, english is not my first language either... God bless globalisation

[Ludens]

It is hard to find critics, believe it or not, specially people who would not only tell you what is wrong but why.

In case you haven't spotted it: there is a small discussion going on in the Mead Hall on how to remedy this (link).

I agree with most of what Banquo's Ghost said, except that the source of the protagonist's anger was clear to me when I read it. He is frustrated with his life: it isn't getting him anywhere.