European Security Levels Raised

[Goofball]

Okay, I'd seen the French bit before, but no the others. Hot off my email, and damned funny:

European Security Levels Raised



The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist bombings and therefore have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 - when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been officially re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.


Also, the French government announced yesterday that it had also raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".


The Germans, wishing to stay in lock-step with their neighbors, have also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher alert levels: "invade a neighbor" and "lose".

Disclaimer: This is not meant to open up a bout of country bashing. It is posted purely in fun. Please keep your replies light. If anybody is truly offended by it, jut PM me and I'll ask a mod to delete the post.

[Scurvy]

i find these really funny, i wonder how many different countries they've been done for?

[BigTex]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist bombings and therefore have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 - when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been officially re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Now thats a new one I havent heard, pretty funny. The french one was good also, the german one flat out sucked. Kinda wondering what the jamiacan security levels are now.

[Mooks]

Now thats a new one I havent heard, pretty funny. The french one was good also, the german one flat out sucked. .

I agree the german part was bad. Iv read alot about germanys involvement in ww1 and ww2...they kicked everyones ass.

[Strike For The South]

I agree the german part was bad. Iv read alot about germanys involvement in ww1 and ww2...they kicked everyones ass.

NOT the USA

[Goofball]

European Security Levels Raised



The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist bombings and therefore have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 - when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been officially re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.


Also, the French government announced yesterday that it had also raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".


The Germans, wishing to stay in lock-step with their neighbors, have also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher alert levels: "invade a neighbor" and "lose".

I forwarded this to my Brit pal. Here is his response, direct from my email (language slightly cleaned up):

Of note is the fact that the most important part that is missing here, is that while the British may be Irritated or a Bit Cross, they stuck around to tough it out. When the Canadian Border Crossing Guards receive a memo indicating an American fugitive who MAY be riding a motorcycle, who MAY have a knife and while still over a 1,000 miles away MAY try to enter Canada, they run the f*** away..........quickly


Even the French would have stuck around to have smoked some cigarettes or shag some women before eventually f***ing off............

[Papewaio]

I agree the german part was bad. Iv read alot about germanys involvement in ww1 and ww2...they kicked everyones ass.

Two wars, two losses isn't exactly kicking everyones ass. Only France did worse in WWII as France and then Vichy France both lost so that was one war, two losses.

[RabidGibbon]

But Free France won, so surely that evens out the record to one war, one loss?

[Papewaio]

I would say they were liberated... ie another power came in and turfed out the occupying power. That isn't winning, that is having mates win the fight for you.

[econ21]

The following is a little lame, but I get tired of anti-French jokes coming from across the Atlantic, so here goes:

The Americans have decisively responded to the terrorist threat by declaring "Condition Yellow: Intelligence Gathering". This will involve a high tech CIA directed intelligence gathering operation involving extensive wire-tapping, UAV flights, spy satellites and sending a children's atlas to the White House.

This will be followed by "Condition Orange: Coalition Building". This will be a major diplomatic initiative culminating in the Secretary of State showing her holiday slides to the UN General Council.

The next step up will be "Condition Red: Shock and Awe" - taking a randomly selected member state of the UN General Council and bombing them into the stone age.

Finally, efforts will culminate in "Condition White: Bringing Our Boys Home". Mission accomplished.

[Papewaio]

The Australian government announced that it had also raised its terror alert level from "Slip, Slop, Slap" to "BBQ with Mates". The only two higher levels in Australia are "Grand Final Weekend" and "Cronulla Riot". Australians when asked about Afghanistan replied that the 'Ghan was a good train and it was useful for getting to Alice Springs. As for Iraq they thought that anyone who would buy the wheat as such high prices must be treated with special consideration.

[Proletariat]

The Americans have decisively responded to the terrorist threat by declaring "Condition Yellow: Intelligence Gathering". This will involve a high tech CIA directed intelligence gathering operation involving extensive wire-tapping, UAV flights, spy satellites and sending a children's atlas to the White House.

This will be followed by "Condition Orange: Coalition Building". This will be a major diplomatic initiative culminating in the Secretary of State showing her holiday slides to the UN General Council.

The next step up will be "Condition Red: Shock and Awe" - taking a randomly selected member state of the UN General Council and bombing them into the stone age.

Finally, efforts will culminate in "Condition White: Bringing Our Boys Home". Mission accomplished.

[Kralizec]

Two wars, two losses isn't exactly kicking everyones ass. Only France did worse in WWII as France and then Vichy France both lost so that was one war, two losses.

Feel free to skip this part, as this thread is obviously intended to be lighthearted...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

However England or the USA would almost certainly be steamrollered over too if they had shared a border with Germany instead of France. Even Russia would have lost the way it went if it weren't for the huge distances the German army had to traverse. None of the Allied nations were ready for the War when it came, but France tried. We can say, with hindsight, that the Maginot line was a huge blunder and waste of recources but it was a formidable defense against tactics any nation was used to fighting with (or against)

As someone's inevitably going to bring up the "fact" that France almost lost WW1, they didn't. The Triple Entente (look that one up) would have beaten the isolated and starving Germany even without American intervention so WW1 is surely a French victory.

I especially found the bit about Italy funny

[Papewaio]

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Considering it was almost a tradition of Germany to invade France by going through Belgium so that the Germans could stock up on beer and chocolate (the Germans were thoughful in planning for their Paris dates), it seems a tad insufficient to not have had tank defenses in depth by the French on the Belgium-French border.

[Divinus Arma]

Mexico recently raised its threat level from "Siesta" to "Siesta". There are three higher levels: "Siesta", "Siesta", and "Siesta".

All threat levels run concurrently with its national Strategy of "Invade America".

[cegorach]

True with the Ardennes the Americans in 1944 were full aware of that - I guess they wanted to suprise Germans by not defending the area.



Hmmm Isn't just me or it looks quite positive for the British and generally makes laugh from all others ?

If it was done in similar way there would be something about Norway, Dunkirk, Greece, Singapur and Arnhem...

[Banquo's Ghost]

The Republic of Ireland recently raised its Drink Level to Your Round. There are no other levels.

At the EU summit, the Irish minister for Homeland Hooleys was asked: 'The biggest threat facing many of the world's democracies is terrorism. What's yours?'

'Thanks,' he replied. 'I'll have a Guinness.'

[Tribesman]

Iv read alot about germanys involvement in ww1 and ww2...they kicked everyones ass.

Send a note the the German high command , if they want to win a war then kicking peoples donkeys is not a vey clever strategy .

[Pannonian]

The Australian government announced that it had also raised its terror alert level from "Slip, Slop, Slap" to "BBQ with Mates". The only two higher levels in Australia are "Grand Final Weekend" and "Cronulla Riot". Australians when asked about Afghanistan replied that the 'Ghan was a good train and it was useful for getting to Alice Springs. As for Iraq they thought that anyone who would buy the wheat as such high prices must be treated with special consideration.

Australian troops returning from Afghanistan commented that the fighting was intense and the lessons learned valuable. Now they must put that experience to good use as the stepping stone to winning the Ashes.

[Goofball]

The Republic of Ireland recently raised its Drink Level to Your Round. There are no other levels.

At the EU summit, the Irish minister for Homeland Hooleys was asked: 'The biggest threat facing many of the world's democracies is terrorism. What's yours?'

'Thanks,' he replied. 'I'll have a Guinness.'

Okay, now that is funny...

Thanks everybody for keeping this thread in the spirit in which it was intended.