God's Nipples! (Cool pre-battle speeches)

[Comrade Alexeo]

"And, at the last-GOD'S NIPPLES! Who drank the rest of my ale?"


I got something like that from, I believe, dear Prince Henry in my HRE campaign (he has Social Drinker or something). I don't think I've ever laughed so hard...

Anyone else get some funny stuff from their general's speeches?

[Quillan]

I got one who said something to the effect of "You wanna fight, eh? You and what army?"

[andrewt]

Playing as Venice, I got a bishop named Leonardo di Caprio.

[Antimatter3009]

Well, I had a female Pope...

https://i121.photobucket.com/albums/...emale_pope.jpg

[CountArach]

HAHA! This thread is great!

lol Andrewt, it is things like that that make you laugh, but kill the mood...

[HaroldVonBraver]

Well, I had a female Pope...

https://i121.photobucket.com/albums/...emale_pope.jpg

Lol.

[Kobal2fr]

One of my Venetian ones said something alone the lines of "Men, let's get this done quickly, I don't want to be at this all day. I have other things in mind for my evening : a bottle of wine and a wench, f'r'instance !"

an HRE one went all zealot/preacher on me : "I thought I had died, and went to hell for my sins, as I see nothing but the hideous grins of demons everywhere. Gott sei dank ! It's only the enemy !"

(sorry, playing the French version, so can't tell you what the exact words are)

[FrauGloer]

Well, I had a female Pope...

https://i121.photobucket.com/albums/...emale_pope.jpg

Yep, my current pope is female, too. When he (er... she!) got the trait (he/she was my cardinal) I just couldn't stop laughing, it was so hilarious.

In RTW, there were many references to Monty Python's Life of Brian, such as in the Sewers description. Has anyone found any references to M.P. and the Holy Grail yet?

[Mr Frost]

Click on a Sicilian army when your playing another faction , and sometimes they"ll say "You talking to me ?!" ala Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver .

[LegioScythia]

I had a merchant named El-Cid

[jimmyM]

My faction Heir was classed as "completely insane" or somesuch... in the pre-battle speech he announced ;

"and as to my recent madness, I can assure you it was only a passing whim, ~I have talked it over with my horse, and he is of the opinion I have not been getting enough rest, after the battle I think I shall follow his advice..."

[Faenaris]

One of the Scottish armies responded like this when I clicked on them:

"I'm gonna rip off your head and spit down your neck."

A diplomat once responded like this:

"Doooooo youuuuuuu want to negooooooootiaaaate?"

In both instances, they died a horrible death by my hands.

[Dr.Strangelove]

Check out this post:

https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showp...6&postcount=20

The "little trinket" is hilarious, the funniest special item in the game, the most absurd holy relic ever conceived!

Thank you, Stolpmeister!

[EnemyOfTheState]

To quote William the Conqueror - "And remember men, a book can be good the day before battle, exspecially if your bowels are loosened. I would not recomend (forgot the name, but it started with a t) for his books are not soft on the nether regions."

At least, thats what he told me when massacaring irish rebels in Dublin

[Quillan]

One of my Spanish generals finished up his speech a couple of times with "and after the battle, if you find a nubile young wench who strikes your fancy, HANDS OFF! Rank has its privileges! I get first dibs!"

[TheManWhoWasn'tThere]

When I fight against Milanese, my generals often say something like: "They say those Milanese are good accountants. This will help them, when they count their dead."

At another fight against Milanese troops my general yelled: "I want them dead, DEAD, DEEEEAAAAAAAAD, DEAD like a scot's soul". I'm playing the English as you might have guessed ;-).

My General Anthony the Mad (who unfortunately is my faction heir right now) said something similar to this: "If anyone of you has a black cat at hand, then slay it, so that it's bad luck cannot harm us."

[Grimmy]

There's a Scotts general that keeps calling me "Jimmy". "Whatcha want now, Jimmy?" "Yer lookin at the wrong army again, Jimmy!" and such-like.

[Lochar]

You know I was sorta skipping them because when I started the game they just seemed like RTW and gave a brief rundown of troops.

After seeing this I started listening to my older general whop have a ton of traits.

Some really hilarious stuff, I cant even remember half of it.

Love the mean wife one, and how the french are lovers just ask any sheep, the drunk ones are good too. When you realize all the nations have their own accents and witty sayings it makes you realize that they poured alot into this..:)

[PseRamesses]

My Byzantian heir vs a Venecian army:
"...our dead enemies will be worth looting. Their pockets are always full of money. I don´t belive they´ll leave it at home with their wives"
I guess men having problems with wives spending their earnings are a timeless issue, he he!

[Sardo]

I find it disturbing how often battle gives my English generals "the horn"...

[SGT_Ben]

So far my favorite one is my Byzantine general referring to the Milanese as "...goat fondling arse monkies".

[Kobal2fr]

An English general about Welsh rebels : "Well, these lads are either sheep, or Frenchmen !"

A Polish one : "You know, it will be an act of christian virtue to rid this village of so many of its idiots !"

[Barkhorn1x]

English general speaking of the French:

"Satan must be missing some pimples on his a$$."

Barkhorn.

[TheFluff]

I gotten this one before, i dont rember word for word b ut as the english against the french they say "they say these french men are better lovers then fighters. i ndeed this is true, ask any farm animal" lol

[Jacque Schtrapp]

I have no idea what trait brought this on, but recently one of my English generals gave his usual spiel and then topped it off with something along the lines of "The enemy would only stand a chance if my mother-in-law was with them... what if she is?!? If she is, we're all doomed!!!

This from a 7 star general with nearly max dread...

[Kraxis]

"And, at the last-GOD'S NIPPLES! Who drank the rest of my ale?"


I got something like that from, I believe, dear Prince Henry in my HRE campaign (he has Social Drinker or something). I don't think I've ever laughed so hard...

Anyone else get some funny stuff from their general's speeches?

Ohh yes.... That one I'm still laughing at.
It just sounds so great with that German accent (though it is obviously not made by a German).

But it is really "And at the last I say to the enemy gen- GOD'S NIPPLES!!! Where is the ale? Is it all gone?"

The first time I got it I was caught between tearing my head off from laughter and trying to understand what was going on.

Another great one comes from the Trait "Bad Speaker". It doesn't do anything really, aside from producing a hilarious speech of the general trying to remember to say something really good but never managing anything to that sort.

My last great one I got from a general I thought was a really brave man. Apparently when he got the negative Trait about Venetians (they were camped far up a mountain with plenty pavise crossbows, impossible to beat, so I withdrew) he also produced a hilarious speech next time he met them.
Something like: "And since I have earned so much respect and honour I think it would be unfair for me to take it from you my brave men. Instead I take the inglorious task of protecting our supplytrain far from the battle. Rest assured that your rear will always be protected."
The greatness come from how valiantly he sacrifices his own chances of glory... and how "he bravely ran away" to quote a certain Monty Python movie.

[Captain Fishpants]

Glad your enjoying the speeches. I think I probably used up a year-and-a-half's worth of insults to co-workers writing some of them.

The quality of the voice acting this time around helped an enormous amount, I think, and I was quite impressed that they managed not to giggle.

[Vlad Tzepes]

Captain Fishpants, Sir, thank you so much for the speeches, they've become one of the main reasons I enjoy this game and the TW series!

To add my contribution to the list of great MTW2 quotes... "I've seen bowel movements with more skill in battle than these guys!"

[R'as al Ghul]

I could swear I've heard on of my Generals conculding his speech with "Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!".

Can anyone confirm that?

R'as

[Kraxis]

I could swear I've heard on of my Generals conculding his speech with "Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!".

Can anyone confirm that?

R'as

Have CA contracted Vanya for the voiceacting?

The oneliners when the general can't be bothered with a real speech is almost always great. Superb insults most of the time.

I do however detect a little bit of a supressed giggle in the GOD'S NIPPLES speech. After he has said that his voice changes a bit for the next line before returning to normal in the last bit.