God's Nipples! (Cool pre-battle speeches)

[Sir SillyDuck]

My diplomat met a Portuguese princess in my game as the Danes. She exclaimed when I finished negotiations that she is 'sometimes called the jewel of the mediterranian'. Which is odd, since 1st: Portugal doesn't have access to that sea (must be the generic accent thing), and 2nd: she had no hearts/charm at all! Which meant that (i dont recall exactly) it is hard to tell her apart from an ugly wrinkled wrench..

[PseRamesses]

"The enemy...bah! The enemy... I´ve had olives with better bite to´em!"

[Comrade Alexeo]

Wow, a CA guy? Here? In my thread? God's areola, what a momentous occasion!

Captain Fishpants, how did you find people who did not giggle? Did you, perhaps, slip a little something into their water...?

[Martok]

Captain Fishpants, how did you find people who did not giggle? Did you, perhaps, slip a little something into their water...?

Hmm; I doubt it. If anything, that probably would've made the actors *more* likely to giggle while saying their lines--unless he was slipping them Valium, in which case they wouldn't be able to say their lines very well at all.

[Lochar]

Glad your enjoying the speeches. I think I probably used up a year-and-a-half's worth of insults to co-workers writing some of them.

The quality of the voice acting this time around helped an enormous amount, I think, and I was quite impressed that they managed not to giggle.

You sir, are my hero!

Hehe gotta wonder whose wife ya thought about tho on some of the speeches about them and in laws..:)

[Saphery12]

When playing as the Milanese I kept getting one about the Portugese.

"they smell like fish and will acknowledge our domination. Why? Because they are all fisherman!"

ohhh god

[Malcolm Big Head]

It would be great.
Gaaahhhhh....Gaaaaahhh Gaaaahhh.

[tsu33]

i had Moses spreading heresy in my turkish campaign

https://img327.imageshack.us/img327/7863/1ey9.jpg

[baron_Leo]

When playing as the Milanese I kept getting one about the Portugese.

"they smell like fish and will acknowledge our domination. Why? Because they are all fisherman!"

ohhh god

This reminds me of a classic movie quote: "I coulda been a fisherman. Fishermen, they get up, they fish, they sell fish, they smelt fish. Reminds me of this girl I used to go with, Yvonne, she smelled like fish." Anyone knows who said this?

[Bijo]

"Those Milanese can count money faster than a Hamburg fishwife."


With HRE I've heard that "nipples one" too, hah hah.

"After a battle, I get some thing: a powerful thirst...... and a thrusting appetite!" That one is baaaad.

[Realturka]

These are funnier than the Warcraft III speeches :D

I didn't hear any hilarious stuff from my Turkish generals or sultans...

[Zatoichi]

I heard a great one today from my English king - quoting it in full without editing would get me banned!

After referring to the enemy as a collection of 'ar5e-weasels' and 'p1ss-a-beds', he then went on to explain how he'd 'seen more guts in a donkey's ar5e!'

Absolutely hilarious - I reloaded the battle just to hear him say it again.

[SJ_cookie]

These are funnier than the Warcraft III speeches :D

I didn't hear any hilarious stuff from my Turkish generals or sultans...

My Egyptian Generals are not so funny..but the troops are always taunting..."sons of a motherless goat"!!!

[Halaster]

I had a Spanish General of mine talk about the French as a bunch of a$$whistles and went on to a few times with that phrase.

[Rilder]

I cant remember it exactly but one of my english generals said something along the lines: "Man my wife is so ugly, I hope she isnt among the enemies, now that would be a bad thing"

[clairvaux]

Well, I had a female Pope...

https://i121.photobucket.com/albums/...emale_pope.jpg

Secrety Female or just full out female? Because the Archbishop of Jerusalem in my campaign was also a female.

[Realturka]

lol :D Why can't I hear (or see) anything funny? I'm gonna play the english campaign from now on... Looks like they have the dirtiest speeches...

[Shahed]

Yeah I tried HRE and England and they have great speeches !

[Bijo]

[Realturka]

LOL

[Varangian Berserker]

I gotten this one before, i dont rember word for word b ut as the english against the french they say "they say these french men are better lovers then fighters. i ndeed this is true, ask any farm animal" lol

Agh...you beat me to it!!! In my case though it was HRE Vs. French!

[Marshal Murat]

I want this thread stickied!

[Zheng He's Lost Son]

My favourite wasn't from a general, but from one of the grunts defending behind the walls in a siege.

Scanning over them, he said "You smell like beer" or something.

[slippybee]

Well, I had a female Pope...

https://i121.photobucket.com/albums/...emale_pope.jpg

Apropos of nothing (and not wanting to give any offence to anyone's faith)

There are numerous tales told about a female pope (a male impersonator), pope Joan is the most popular I believe. She gave birth to a son during her term in office and was tied to the tail of a horse and dragged around the papal city until she died as punishment for her heresy. There are numerous other tales told of female popes. You take your pick whether these are myths, half-truths or facts.


Interestingly part of the papal coronation until very recently involved the pope being seated in his papal chair (the throne with holes) and passed over the heads of the electoral cardinals. Some people say that this is so that they could attest that he was a man. Others that the papal seat was originally a Roman bidet (hence the holes).

Either way I think it's rather cool that we can have a secret female pope. Shame that these secrets / vices can't be used to bribe and co-erce the AI into acting in our favour.

[katank]

That would be rather fun. Medieval Total Blackmail, here we come!

[clairvaux]

something like this: "There are two kinds of people; Spaniards! And those who kill Spaniards!"

[JeromeGrasdyke]

Captain Fishpants, Sir, thank you so much for the speeches, they've become one of the main reasons I enjoy this game and the TW series!

To add my contribution to the list of great MTW2 quotes... "I've seen bowel movements with more skill in battle than these guys!"

The good Captain rightly is one of the pearls in the CA crown.

[AliAS]

little easter egg in MTW2 is El Cid. He is rebel in Valencia.

[Foz]

This stuff is so much fun! If cool speeches are among the things that caused a few bugs to slip through into the game release, then God bless CA for prioritizing fun and hilarity into the game, because it's SO worth it!

[Rilder]

Bloody french :)