An Apology to all Australians

**English assassin** · 12-18-2006, 10:25

The people of England would like to extent their sincere apology for the travesty that was previously advertised as "The Ashes Series".

The England Cricket team's performance 18 months ago may have lead some of you to believe this would be a close fought and exciting series. Headlines such as "Fabulous Freddie says we'll whallop diggers" could have suggested that we were not, in fact, sending a bunch of pie eating surrender monkeys

for a nice holiday in the sun, interrupted only briefly by the tiresome necessity to lose three, and no doubt in due course five, test matches, plus some one day exhibition matches against girls U14 sides (U14 Girls 357-2, England 172).

We should extent a particular apology to the Australian cricket team, who must have wondered what exactly the "Castlemaine Four X" they had spent 18 months training in the outback for, after England managed the unprecedented feat of losing the second test. Surely a quick trot round the pitch the night before would have done? (Although let's be honest here, the idea of Shane Warne on a bush tucker trial IS funny)

If you could send them home via Tuvalu maybe we could win an international match against someone before they get back here?

**Banquo's Ghost** · 12-18-2006, 11:04

They're coming back?

It's true that England have been a shambles, but one can't deny the series so far has provided some wonderful, wonderful cricket.

Warney at Adelaide - surely the finest competitor in his finest moment.

Gilchrist at Perth - one of the most delicious centuries ever seen.

Ricky Ponting - the most focussed, single-minded assassin of English hopes. Have you ever seen a steelier eye, or a captain leading more fiercely from the front?

Monty Panesar - a major discovery, two tests late.

The Adelaide Test - I don't have words.

Has ever a ball proven more prophetic in character and tone than Harmison's first ball wide in Brisbane?

Truth be known, the Australian team is the finest in the world. Not just because they have incredible talent, and have found new faces and revitalised the old (I bet Fletcher winces every time someone reminds him how he dismissed Warne and McGrath because of their age) - but because they have the desire of true champions.

They lost last year, and it hurt. They have worked unceasingly to right that wrong. And with the ruthess style of true champions, they have crushed the pretenders into dust.

Well done Aussie!

**naut** · 12-18-2006, 12:37

Cricket is not a sport, it is a form of opression to the poor defenseless people forced to watch.

**matteus the inbred** · 12-18-2006, 17:20

Originally Posted by Rythmic

Cricket is not a sport, it is a form of opression to the poor defenseless people forced to watch.

It certainly is if you're English...the only way to watch cricket properly is to get sunstroke and then drink lager until comes out of your nose. Anything, even cricket, is preferable to how you feel after five days of doing that.

**Stig** · 12-18-2006, 17:38

Originally Posted by Cricket as explained to foreigners

You have two sides: One out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs,
That's the end of the game.

always liked that one

**Hosakawa Tito** · 12-18-2006, 17:51

I've never watched a cricket match, but if it involves several days of drinking cold beer, and your team loses, you still win. Friends don't let friends watch a match alone, and they bring the beer.

**Pannonian** · 12-18-2006, 19:11

Originally Posted by matteus the inbred

It certainly is if you're English...the only way to watch cricket properly is to get sunstroke and then drink lager until comes out of your nose. Anything, even cricket, is preferable to how you feel after five days of doing that.

The last time I was at a match, I watched the opposition score around 300 for 3 in the day while I got increasingly sozzled, eventually getting a case of sunburn that nicely showed off the short sleeves of my shirt. It's not as bad as growing up watching English cricket in the 1990s, but it's getting there.

**Mount Suribachi** · 12-18-2006, 19:27

Its not so much that I mind losing the Ashes, more that we handed it to them on a plate through our woeful selection and non-existent preparation (for the 3rd winter in a row!!!). We couldn't have made it easier for them if we dropped our best bowler for an aging trundler who hadn't bowled a ball in over a year.

Oh, waitaminute, we did that

Replace Flintoff as captain with Strauss. Drop Jones for Read. By the 5th test with all that cricket under our belts we should be in the position to be match-fit and playing our best XI.

The one-day series and world cup don't even bear thinking about given our embaressing results in that form of the game...

**Dave1984** · 12-19-2006, 11:30

Originally Posted by Pannonian

The last time I was at a match, I watched the opposition score around 300 for 3 in the day while I got increasingly sozzled, eventually getting a case of sunburn that nicely showed off the short sleeves of my shirt. It's not as bad as growing up watching English cricket in the 1990s, but it's getting there.

The last time I went I watched England collapse completely on the third day at Edgbaston against the Windies in the space of about two hours. Was nice to see Ambrose and Walsh playing shortly before their retirement and dammit the TV never did justice to just how tall they actually were!