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Thread: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

  1. #1
    Dyslexic agnostic insomniac Senior Member Goofball's Avatar
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    Default Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Hot off my email. Probably more of a Frontroom item, but it involves religion, so I thought I had better play it safe and post it in here:

    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

    Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

    To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what had made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

    With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and, to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

    Little Zachary looked at her and Shook his head, no.

    "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

    Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
    "What, have Canadians run out of guns to steal from other Canadians and now need to piss all over our glee?"

    - TSM

  2. #2

    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    that was qutie original and funny, good joke

  3. #3
    smell the glove Senior Member Major Robert Dump's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    I'm 1/3 Catholic and I'm offended by this joke.
    Baby Quit Your Cryin' Put Your Clown Britches On!!!

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    Member Member Alexander the Pretty Good's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    I'm 10/10 Catholic and found it hilarious. I did go to Catholic school...

    Though I think I heard it before...

  5. #5
    Insomniac and tired of it Senior Member Slyspy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    I'm 0% Catholic and I am offended by the lack of humour shown in this joke.

    Move aside and bring on the
    "Put 'em in blue coats, put 'em in red coats, the bastards will run all the same!"

    "The English are a strange people....They came here in the morning, looked at the wall, walked over it, killed the garrison and returned to breakfast. What can withstand them?"

  6. #6
    Member Member ZombieFriedNuts's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    I love it
    Make Beer Not War

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    Hope guides me Senior Member Hosakawa Tito's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Good one Goofball!
    "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." *Jim Elliot*

  8. #8

    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Pure 100% Dave Allen

  9. #9
    Arena Senior Member Crazed Rabbit's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Not too bad, but I've heard it before.

    CR
    Ja Mata, Tosa.

    The poorest man may in his cottage bid defiance to all the forces of the Crown. It may be frail; its roof may shake; the wind may blow through it; the storm may enter; the rain may enter; but the King of England cannot enter – all his force dares not cross the threshold of the ruined tenement! - William Pitt the Elder

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    The very model of a modern Moderator Xiahou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Quote Originally Posted by Crazed Rabbit
    Not too bad, but I've heard it before.

    CR
    You know, I actually think I heard that one before from a priest, while I was attending Catholic school.
    "Don't believe everything you read online."
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    zombologist Senior Member doc_bean's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    It's okay, I usually expect a 'dirty' ending in a joke involving catholicism and children, this one was quite surprising.

    raised catholic here
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    Oni Member Samurai Waki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Quote Originally Posted by doc_bean
    It's okay, I usually expect a 'dirty' ending in a joke involving catholicism and children, this one was quite surprising.

    raised catholic here
    That was pretty much my initial reaction to the thread.

    Not bad, but not really all that funny either. Meh, being raised Catholic and going to Catholic school must dull your sense of humour.

  13. #13
    Member Member Alexander the Pretty Good's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    How can you tell if a Star Wars fan is Catholic?

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    If you say "May the force be with you" and he responds with "And also with you."

    I'm here all night!

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Seriously. I've actually done that.

  14. #14
    Dyslexic agnostic insomniac Senior Member Goofball's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Quote Originally Posted by Alexander the Pretty Good
    How can you tell if a Star Wars fan is Catholic?

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    If you say "May the force be with you" and he responds with "And also with you."

    I'm here all night!

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Seriously. I've actually done that.


    I just called my wife and told her that one. Tea flew out her nose...
    "What, have Canadians run out of guns to steal from other Canadians and now need to piss all over our glee?"

    - TSM

  15. #15
    Believer of Murphy's Law Member Sensei Warrior's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    To both of them. Hilarious. I am a recovering Catholic who once went to Catho school. Cant remember the loads I used to know, oh well.
    Every weapon has evolved from the same basic design, either a rock or a sharp pointy stick.

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    Join the ICLADOLLABOJADALLA! Member IrishArmenian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Hilarious. My father is Catholic. I might email him some of these, any more?

    "Half of your brain is that of a ten year old and the other half is that of a ten year old that chainsmokes and drinks his liver dead!" --Hagop Beegan

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    Dyslexic agnostic insomniac Senior Member Goofball's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Quote Originally Posted by IrishArmenian
    Hilarious. My father is Catholic. I might email him some of these, any more?
    Hmmm...

    Careful what you ask for.

    Remeber forum rules folks, this has been a fun thread so far, let's keep it that way.

    (I only say that because all of the other Catholic jokes I can think of break just about all of the .org rules)
    "What, have Canadians run out of guns to steal from other Canadians and now need to piss all over our glee?"

    - TSM

  18. #18
    Voluntary Suspension Voluntary Suspension Philippus Flavius Homovallumus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard



    That does actually sound like a Dave Allen joke.
    "If it wears trousers generally I don't pay attention."

    [IMG]https://img197.imageshack.us/img197/4917/logoromans23pd.jpg[/IMG]

  19. #19

    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    That joke is extremely obscene, distasteful and offensive, nothing at all "funny" about it.

  20. #20

    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    That joke is extremely obscene, distasteful and offensive, nothing at all "funny" about it.
    Blah blah blah , and you are clearly not a Bible following Christian like you claim to be .
    Would you prefer a joke a clerical child sex abuse instead ?

    That does actually sound like a Dave Allen joke.
    Thats because it is
    No one could rip the piss out of the Catholic church like he could , a comic genious

  21. #21
    Senior Member Senior Member naut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Quote Originally Posted by doc_bean
    It's okay, I usually expect a 'dirty' ending in a joke involving catholicism and children, this one was quite surprising.
    Yeah.
    #Hillary4prism

    BD:TW

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  22. #22
    American since 2012 Senior Member AntiochusIII's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    It's really good precisely because it led you to believe the nuns have something to do with it but they actually don't.

    lol.

  23. #23
    One easily trifled with Member Target Champion Motep's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    I do believe that this joke will have my friend on the floor....that was good.
    TosaInu shall never be forgotten.

  24. #24
    Master of Few Words Senior Member KukriKhan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Be well. Do good. Keep in touch.

  25. #25
    Member Member Alexander the Pretty Good's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard


  26. #26
    Arena Senior Member Crazed Rabbit's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    That joke is extremely obscene, distasteful and offensive, nothing at all "funny" about it.
    Let me decide what offends me, ok?

    CR
    Ja Mata, Tosa.

    The poorest man may in his cottage bid defiance to all the forces of the Crown. It may be frail; its roof may shake; the wind may blow through it; the storm may enter; the rain may enter; but the King of England cannot enter – all his force dares not cross the threshold of the ruined tenement! - William Pitt the Elder

  27. #27
    Senior Member Senior Member Yeti Sports 1.5 Champion, Snowboard Slalom Champion, Monkey Jump Champion, Mosquito Kill Champion Csargo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Quote Originally Posted by KukriKhan
    Jesus was black.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sooh View Post
    I wonder if I can make Csargo cry harder by doing everyone but his ISO.

  28. #28

    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Quote Originally Posted by Navaros
    That joke is extremely obscene, distasteful and offensive, nothing at all "funny" about it.

    Oh grow a sense of humor why dont you? It's a joke.

  29. #29

    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Quote Originally Posted by Ichigo
    Jesus was black.
    You can't get blacker than Jesus.

  30. #30
    Crusading historian Member cegorach's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best Catholic joke I've ever heard

    Very good joke indeed.

    Only fanatics do not belive it is good to be auto-ironic

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