Voltaire's Folly

[MonwarH]

Voltaire’s Folly

A Holy Roman Empire AAR

Monwar Hussain

Folio I: Of Introductions and What Brought Forth This Endeavor

In the name of our Lord in Heaven, this is to be a chronicle of the mid days of the Most Holy Roman Empire of the German People to be scribed by Wolfram of Aix-la-Chappelle (Aachen), humble chaplain in service to Peter Cardinal Scherer and lately, Arnold von Hesse, governor and Elector of Wien (Vienna), major city of the South of the Reich (Osterreich or Austria).

I, Wolfram von Aachen, swear by the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord, that the objective behind such a chronicling is a vision sent from Heaven in the form of a dream, where the Apostles St. John and St. Andrew instructed this lowly servant of the Holy See to guide and follow the lords of our holy empire as they establish the word of His Son across this land of Europe and to the Infidel East, and moreover, to ensure that they don’t slacken in this most holy of endeavors. I had, in the bewilderment of such a dream, the tenacity to ask the holy saints why such a small person has reason to doubt the wit of those who are divinely guided. In response, the Apostle St. Andrew gave me a mild smile and showed me a man, perhaps Western Frankish with dark hair and strange attire, who wrote in a rather indecipherable tongue, but which, by the grace of the most holy saint of our Lord, became clear to me as being written of our sacred empire: ‘…neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire’. I assumed this sacrilegious person to be, perhaps an historian to be, and the Apostles indicated quite clearly that if this humble servant were to fail his missions, such would come to pass that the manifestation of the Kingdom of Heaven in Earth would be ridiculed and mocked for its ungodliness and segregation, for they mentioned to me again that faith on our Lord is not present in equivalent portions in our highers, such a sad and poor mortal realm we inhabit. Such omens were enough to set myself to task from preventing such a calamity, but the Apostles offered me rejuvenating health so that such a mountainous task of chronicling, and perhaps guiding, (though how such could be done this servant of God can not tell), the larger part of Europe can be carried on, for it is our Lord God’s desire, and it is He who is the decider of mortality.

[…]

The illustrations in this most magnificent volume have been kindly drawn for the Lord’s folk by Raymond of Chartres, for I who write of the events have little such skill of representing my simple words through such figures of lands.

Folio IV: Of the Fall of Our Most August Prince and The Conquering Crusade Against Venice

[…]

So it is with a heavy heart that I, Wolfram of Aachen, report that the most august Prince of the Empire, Heinrich (Henry), has been assayed by the corrupt Inquisitor (as sacrilegious as it might seem) who has then burned him in the stake, despite him professing no higher faith, as priests who know this man tells me. Woe to the Venetians, the corrupt merchants, for surely they have tested the patience of the most holy Champion of Christ, Emperor Heinrich, who did plan to conquer the East for Christendom. Even with his disagreements with the Most Holy Father Gregory, the Ninth of his name, they have agreed upon, that for such abysmal a crime against the holy empire, the Doge and his fief of Venice must be excommunicated from the Catholic Church. The loot gained from such an endeavor would be invested further in both the Holy See and our holy empire, as well as for the betterment of the warrior pilgrims to the East.


[…]



Lo and behold, such an Army of the Cross has come to avenge our Prince, and perhaps avenge later the insufferable infidels of the East. Prince Helmut Merowinger himself have led it, and the Pope has seen it fit that all the inquisitors of the Christian faith in his path behave properly this time, and with such, the army of three hundred and sixty thousand did assault the city of the lagoon and took it. The fury of the common soldier did result in some deaths inside the city, but how can we blame them for what irreparable damage has been done to our most holy empire and the cause of Christ. So it is that Christ has caused the formidable wealth and trade of this water city to fuel His cause, and to bring the barbarians and pagans to His faith.

[dacdac]

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[MonwarH]

[...]



But the devilish tactics and alliances of the seafaring Venetians did not just end with corruptions and unprovoked attacks on our empire on earth. Just as birds of the same nature flock together, the selfish merchants of Venice did ally themselves with their kind in Miland (Milan), much to the dismay of pious Christians. I, Wolfram of Aachen, daresay here that even the Eastern infidels might well be lesser than these devious merchant states who so strive to harm and damage the empire of our Lord, aggravating the wound previously inflicted in the body of our prince Henry. No matter, my Lord Hesse has informed us that, with the aid of the Lord, the Empire will soon march against these ignorant and ungodly people, and take their cities and towns and make them pious and fearful of the hereafter, by the sword if the need arises as such.

[...]



It would not be right either for the pursuer of this document to convince himself, that while these holy efforts were going on, all else remained tranquil and true elsewhere. To be true, it is an everyday occurrence for one of our pious nobles to crush the filthy, ignorant rebels or worse, heretics. To give but one example, retainers of the previous count of Stettin have staged a heavy rebellion near the port in that region. Such are the pitfalls and obstacles that dog the followers of Christ, and such they must overcome if they are to bring forth the earthly manifestation of the kingdom of heaven.

[…]

Before the nones of December had passed, Lord Hesse’s promise was fulfilled. Of course, I, Wolfram, never doubted our liege lord’s word, but there are impious people abound who took such with skepticism as they are wont to do. The manner of victory over the perfidious Milanese was heroic, whence equal, (if not slightly lesser on this holy empire’s side), number of troops facing each other in the field of battle and through sheer devotion to God and tactics of an intelligent manner won the Army of God the day, as was only expected, and the enemy fled so far and so fast that in the last none but our Lord God alone was pursuing them, and then they ransomed their nobles. Oh, the joy within this servant’s heart to see the divine plans comes to fruition. Moreover, victory was also achieved over the adamant northern rebels of Stettin where the righteous Count Dimarus von Wolfsburg’s army surrounded the wretched souls with reinforcements from Hamburg and killed many of them. The rest, of course, took to the omens of pious glory and there and then promised to follow a rigorous Christian life, some immediately taking the cross. The soul melts to see the manifestation of God’s will!

[...]



The ides of January bring forth to the servants of Christ great news indeed, as their piousness and strength of arms have come together to pose a deadly threat to the unfaithful indeed. Forsooth, this humble servant visited the Count Andreas von Kassel, to appeal to this most righteous former conqueror of Prague to repeat his glory against the enemies of God, and he did piously submit his supplications to our holy Lord in Heaven and replied in the positive.

Very soon, our glorious Count Andreas set forth with his army, smaller than the first Army of the Lord led by the Prince Helmut, but still marvelously formidable, and decided to partake first in the punishment of Christ’s enemies within the ranks who weaken the religious from inside, the most ungodly Venetians. Their new capital, Zagreb, was previously laid siege by our most pious Prince, to verily show the sacrilegious Doge that the justice of the Lord doesn’t lose steam so very soon. Lord Hesse suggested that future techniques against both the formidable Venetian castle of Ragusa and their new capital, Zagreb, might be expected from the most intelligent of these nobles.

It is also to be said that this night both of us witnessed a star breaking into two parts and falling to the earth, a most telling omen! All praise to our Lord in Heaven, for the manifestation of the Kingdom of Heaven is nigh indeed!

[MonwarH]

Folio V: Of Further Advancements of the Most Holy Roman Empire of Our Lord at the Cost of Treacherous Merchant Kingdoms and Rebels



All praise to Jesus Christ, our Lord in Heaven, and Mary, the Mother of God, that the most holy Roman Emperor, Heinrich, most affectionately called ‘the Champion’ by his people, and one with the most advanced intelligence on the techniques of battle of all the generals of our empire, have decided to punish the most impious and opportunistic Milanese, the co-conspirators and allies of the vile Venetians, who are already suffering under the wrath of God, in the form of Prince Helmut and Count Andreas von Kassel. Of course, the most holy Emperor has a kingdom to attend to, and as such could not take the cross, (and verily, if all the princes and nobles do take the cross, who will remain to take care of the folk who have already devoted their life to the Christian faith?), but did mass a most formidable militia to siege and make tremble the impious nobles of the city of Milan. And in this endeavor the religious elite in the form of some most pious inquisitors also joined, in lieu of opposing our empire, (as some of them did in the act of slaying our most noble prince previously), as they did know that this most holy Emperor of ours is also our staunchest in matters of faith.

[...]



Learning that the foul Venetians have gathered a formidable army of men at their Southern castle of Ragusa to relieve the siege of Zagreb, our most august Prince Helmut was forced to take the decision to swiftly assault said city. Forsooth, he undertook such an endeavor with a leaden heart, as that servitor of God had known that such assaults always cost the pious soldiers of the Lord’s Army their lives. But he girded himself manfully and instructed his fellow crusaders to take up joyful arms in the name of Christ and teach the treacherous Venetians a lesson in piety and valor.

Teach they did, these most pious of men. I, Wolfram of Aachen, was present in that battle, whence I saw a flood of Godly men cutting down the foul Doge of Venice and his heir apparent like the heretics they are. Surely our Lord in Heaven would reward those who have died in valor in their attempts to remove such treacherous and sinful men from this earth.

[...]



Once the city of Zagreb had been captured, and some of the traitors to Christianity murdered for their sins by our men and their properties invested to the holy cause, the most Pious Prince Helmut Merowinger saw it prudent to stay at that town for a while to drive the fear of Lord unto the people. But of course, the taking of the Holy Land from the infidels in the East could not wait, and as such, the choicest units of the Prince’s eastbound army were sent to Count Andreas von Kassel, another of our most pious lords whom, among others, I, Wolfram of Aachen, had convinced to join the armed pilgrimage. With these reinforcements, the Count boasted a most formidable army to drive fear into the very heart of those who have abused the holiest of lands for so long.

[...]

Such impetuosity! On this day, the third of the first month of the Year of Our Lord 1126, three battles (groups) of soldiers, two archers and one of sergeants who adopted the way of the cross, have left the town of Zagreb, and with it our most pious Prince Helmut, in their hurry to reach the Holy Land and show their conviction, as if others of the army lacks such. Rather, they have learned patience. Suffice to say that our most august Prince was not inconsiderate and understood the pious urge of these men, and as such, he himself left the city soon after pious supplications to our Lord’s church in the town, leaving it without an active garrison, trusting the good Christians to take care of themselves. The prudent Lord, of course, also instructed Count Hesse from Vienna to dispatch some troops to protect this new treasure of the Lord’s Empire, who will reach that place by the end of the ides of June, as this servant of God, accompanying the Prince, understands.

[MonwarH]

[…]

With the highest amount of respect paid to our most Holy Father in Rome, who has the blood of Romans flowing and originates from the north of Italy, it must also be said that most inhabitants of that land are traitorous and fickle in nature (behold those merchants’ behavior, a shame!). However many mock quarrels they might have among themselves, these rather impious people do make a show of unity before their pious betters. I, Wolfram of Aachen, say this because our most holy kingdom was assaulted on many fronts by three Italian factions, including Venice, then Milan, and finally Sicily. Forsooth, the army from Sicily was traitorous enough to bring infidel archers with them to lay siege to our capital, Bologna. What contaminations the legendary Normans have undergone in that nefarious island!

Of course, the Lord would never let these treacherous fools triumph against his holy Champion, our august Emperor Heinrich. In deed, for the defense of Bologna, troops converged from the Southern town of Florence and the great Northern city of Venice, and from Milan in the west, where our most august emperor had just finished conquering that city after a rather lengthy siege, came our emperor himself. Although the Sicilians brought forth a most powerful and professional army (lesser in numbers, to be sure, but veteran soldiers all, the best of that forsaken island kingdom and Naples), what chance they had in front of our pious warriors? To be certain, the most breathtaking fight took place in the middle of the battlefield between our august emperor and their traitor Prince Alberto, both of who fought valiantly in their chargers, but what chance did a traitor to Christ have in front of one armored by faith? And so, the Prince of Sicily did perish, and our most holy empire did demonstrate to the mortal realms the power of faith.



It is also through these trials that we learn of those whose staunchness of faith manifests itself into great skill in leading the faithful and great prowess in battle. Such a thing happened on this day too, as a lowly frontier captain called Heinricus von Frankfurt, previously garrisoned in the walls of Florence, proved his worth with his troops of archers and spearmen. The Emperor most happily rewarded the zeal of this worthy warrior by adopting him into his royal family.

[…]

You must know, my fellow faithful, that the devilry of the Italians know no bound, as an army of Genoa, which calls itself a part of that accursed and perfidious state of Milan, led by the most foul Captain Piccardo, who should be beaten with a rod or burned in flames, attacked the newly captured city of Milan, seeing that the noble Emperor had left to aid the assault against the Sicilians. The stone walls of Milan did give this accursed army a pause, but from inside the battlements our soldiers could see that they were building rams and ladders urgently to assault the city. Not willing to see their beautiful city damaged, and urged on by a pious zeal against these ungodly folk, our garrison in Milan did attack this most vile army of Genoa, constituting mostly of their feared crossbowmen and many spear militia from the peninsula, with utmost speed. The captain suggested that the archers of Milan first try to decimate some of their foul crossbowmen. Although a most amazing archer battle was fought near the walls which darkened the sky, we saw that the thick armor and shield of those foul crossbowmen protected them, whereas their still tipped bolts tore through many of our archer brethren.



Seeing what was happening, the commander of the garrison then suggested an attack of all kinds of soldiers on an urgent basis (a rapid combined arms assault). That proved to be the death of the Genoese, as our many spear militia and horsemen quickly sallied forth protected by the black rain of arrows (although some did perish) and surrounded the smaller Genoese army, with the mailed knights to their back. Then our archers, in their great fury at seeing their brethren killed, also joined in the glorious hand to hand combat, and the fight that broke out could be called a Genoese massacre, so many were killed. Many were also imprisoned, but their perfidious master, what better could be expected of such, denied us any ransom, and they were also massacred to a man. Several months after the war, my good friend Aubery of Clermont visited the city and described the pile of white bones outside the walls. Such is the price those pay who come to fight against the Kingdom of Christ.

[…]



All praise the Lord God, blessed be He in the Heavens, I, Wolfram of Aachen, have just received news from Reynald of Montferrat that both the Prince Merowinger and Count von Kassel’s armies have landed in the Northern portion of Asia Minor (Anatolia). There was a slight delay in rearranging the forces, and the Turks are said to be most angry at this development, but all the people agree that henceforth no one can stop these armies of Christ. My bowel ailment has passed and I will soon board a Venetian ship to join them in their pious endeavors. In the meantime, I have urged Reynald of Montferrat to compile the chronicles of our empire in these Occidental lands and send those to me by all means so that a rare and excellent history of the Empire of Christ can be compiled for people to wonder hereafter.

[MonwarH]

[…]



What are human whims to that of our Lord in Heaven? While the newly conquered populace of Milan were trembling in fright of the great Milanese armies unleashed by the corrupt Duke of that accursed state, the wisdom of the Lord struck the captain of that force. The vile machinations of the Milanese were, in a moment, clear as daylight to that person, and thereafter he hath decided to abstain from attacking our armies (no less formidable, I hurry to add), which were busy besieging the city of Genoa. Forsooth, they did not turn against their own countrymen in Genoa (which would be imprudent to expect), but I, Wolfram of Aix (Aachen), commend this man to God for his boldness and the righteousness of his decision. (Added later: Reynald adds that Fulk of Rubreck suggests that the Milanese Duke was also defaulting at the payments of this large Southern army, which hastened his decision. We all must remember how our Lord in Heaven has a hand in such coincident, and it is He who make rich out of paupers and paupers out of the rich.)

[…]



In the meanwhile, a most devious tactic of battle applied by an elector Duke of Franconia, Dietrich von Saxony, has resulted in the surrender of the great Lorraine castle of Metz, which stands rather close to my hometown, which seems so far from this Moslem land of Trebizond. I am, of course, overjoyed at this turn of events, and have made pious supplications to our most Revered Lord in Heaven at his aid in bringing forth such a wondrous turn of events through his servant Reynald of Montferrat, in this day of the feast of Saint Peter in Chains, in the Year of Our Lord 1140. Raymond of Chartres has illustrated for this tome a most elaborate illustration of the great feint employed by the Duke for the pursuers of this chronicle. The devious Franconian Duke, who arrived in Staufen from Frankfurt earlier to properly drive the war effort against the Milanese deviants, first dispatched a small detachment to besiege the even smaller garrison of Metz (black line). After a while, he himself, with a much larger detachment, ventured out and crossed the Maas to behave as if he intends to attack the town where the Milanese Duke is hiding, at Dijon (red line). Seeing the great threat, the largest Milanese army, located southward near Bern, ventured fast to intercept that army (green line). The army led by the Duke then appropriately followed suit and joined with the much smaller detachment to fast assault that town of Metz. At the end of the year, the Milanese could only look at wonderment in such application of wit as both detachments, including the Duke, safely sat behind the walls of Metz castle, stranding the largest Milanese force in the foothills. All praise to our Lord, he has filled the heads of our generals with such cunning so that they might curve out his Holy Empire from the perfidious and the ungodly.

[…]



The Lord has again filled our hearts with great joy as we receive more happy tidings from the West in this day of the feast of Saint Bernard, in the year 1140. I write this from the land called Trebizond, with the Armies of the Cross, whereas the tidings noted here come from that servant of the Lord, Reynald of Montferrat whom I introduced earlier and who currently stays with the noble Heinricus von Frankfurt, Duke of Milan. He tells me that the city of Genoa has been taken, with the aid of the Lord when He turned the army sent to relief this port city against its impious Duke. Forsooth, those defenders within the city, a troop of the formidable archers of Genoa and two Milanese nobles with their assorted chosen bodyguards, did try their best to hold the city. Reynald’s writing conveys that the pile of bodies from the fighting in the walls against the crossbowmen was terrible and a sight to behold as they were later thrown from the walls. Henceforth the troops overtook the gates and accompanying towers, regrouped, lured the foolhardy nobles in to charge against the arrayed spearmen and finally, our mailed knights chased these tyrants to the center of the town to rid them off this world, but it was not an easy task, as these were the chosen men from the populace of Genoa. The victory, when it came, however, was sound indeed, and the blow that has been dealt to the Milanese is severe, as they have lost two of their valuable towns within a space of two years, and have only a single town left, namely Dijon, where their vile Duke trembles in fear of our mighty forces. Such is the punishment our Lord God delivers to those who betray Him and his faithful.