72 Virgins - by Steve Martin

[Crazed Rabbit]

From The New Yorker - perhaps 72 virgins aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Put in the backroom because the humor might be not exactly frontroom material.

SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS
by STEVE MARTIN
Issue of 2007-01-29
Posted 2007-01-22

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.

Virgin No. 2: Ick.

Virgin No. 3: Ew.

Virgin No. 4: Ow.

Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!

Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.

Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!

Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?

Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?

Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . .

Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.

Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!

Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?

Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?

Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.

Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?

Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.

Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.

Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!

Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.

Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?

Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?

Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”?

Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!

Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?

Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?

Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead.

Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.

Virgin No. 30: You are in?

Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.

Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.

Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?

Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot.

Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”

Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.

Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.

Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.

Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.

Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?

Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again.

Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?

Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.

Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.

Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.

Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours.

Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.

Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino.

Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late.

Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one.

Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?

Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry.

Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.

Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.

Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.

Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?

Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me.

Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.

Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?

Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex.

Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.

Virgin No. 62: Was that it?

Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.

Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.

Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?

Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.

Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?

Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?

Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.

Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.

Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.

Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.

[Slyspy]

I don't get it. I mean, I get the gist of it but fail to get the humour. Sorry.

[Blodrast]

On the contrary, I get the humour, but I don't get the point...

[InsaneApache]

In homage to Greg.

This is virgin on the ridiculous.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Ouch, that hurts Apache.

I read somewhere that another possible interpretation of the ancient Arabic is 72 raisons, because raisons were so valuable.

[Adrian II]

Ouch, that hurts Apache.

I read somewhere that another possible interpretation of the ancient Arabic is 72 raisons, because raisons were so valuable.

Somehow raisins seem less fun.

And Rabbit, me hearty, I do see the humour.

[Papewaio]

And got the point and it was mildly funny...

There is a reason after all that they are virgins. Uneaten fruit is normally the blemished kind...

[AntiochusIII]

Isn't there the old paradox about virgins being, well, virgins? How can you bang and virgin and somehow the virgin remains a virgin? And if not so it means you'll "get" the virgins but never get to ravish yourself with the virgins? What's the point of showing said virgins as promotional material to come to heaven, then?

-.-"

[Blodrast]

Isn't there the old paradox about virgins being, well, virgins? How can you bang and virgin and somehow the virgin remains a virgin? And if not so it means you'll "get" the virgins but never get to ravish yourself with the virgins? What's the point of showing said virgins as promotional material to come to heaven, then?

-.-"

Hmmm, how do I explain this without getting banned...
It's like Picard put it:

...to boldly go where no-one has gone before

(emphasis mine)

[Papewaio]

Isn't there the old paradox about virgins being, well, virgins? How can you bang and virgin and somehow the virgin remains a virgin? And if not so it means you'll "get" the virgins but never get to ravish yourself with the virgins? What's the point of showing said virgins as promotional material to come to heaven, then?

-.-"

I think the idea was exclusive rights, less chance of disease, no chance of comparison... so inability to protect what is yours, fear of death and fear of competition... all small minded traits.

Anyhow since when was ignorance a good trait?

[Blodrast]

I think the idea was exclusive rights, less chance of disease, no chance of comparison... so inability to protect what is yours, fear of death and fear of competition... all small minded traits.

I don't think diseases would be an issue in Heaven (under whatever form...)

Anyhow since when was ignorance a good trait?

Are you kidding me ?! Ignorance is bliss!!

[GoreBag]

Isn't there the old paradox about virgins being, well, virgins? How can you bang and virgin and somehow the virgin remains a virgin? And if not so it means you'll "get" the virgins but never get to ravish yourself with the virgins? What's the point of showing said virgins as promotional material to come to heaven, then?

-.-"

That's why you get seventy-two of them. Was this is a serious question?

Anyway, is the same Steve Martin who was in those very un-funny movies? I guess that would explain this list.

[Gregoshi]

In homage to Greg.

This is virgin on the ridiculous.

Virgin #73 compliments of the Insane One.

[BDC]

They wouldn't be virgins for very long.

Just be you and 72 women stuck together. For eternity.

These suicide bombers don't think it through.

[Watchman]

It's not like the crap people generally came up with to motivate young men to kill and die for something was generally all that clever, anyway. This, at least, sticks to them fundaments.

[yesdachi]

The 72 virgin thing is a heck of a PR campaign! It beats the crap out of the get paid didely while fighting for a country that doesn’t appreciate your sacrifice, campaign the US is currently running.

Steve Martin’s sense of humor is a little off, it boarders on funny but doesn’t ever quite get there, kind of like the feeling of having to sneeze and not being able to.

[Proletariat]

Steve Martin was funny, just a bit dated by now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94EU9W0QUco

Edit: Longer, but funnier https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxhMCkcOwZk

[Spino]

And got the point and it was mildly funny...

There is a reason after all that they are virgins. Uneaten fruit is normally the blemished kind...

Not if it's reeeeallly fresh...

[English assassin]

They wouldn't be virgins for very long.

Just be you and 72 women stuck together. For eternity.

These suicide bombers don't think it through

bad experience BDC?

Just for you (and CR, because he'll like this sort of thing, and with huge apologies to Prole):

THE TOP TEN REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN:

#10 You can trade an old .44 for a new .22

#9 You can keep a gun at home and have another for when you are on the road.

#8 If you admire a friends gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep a back up.

#6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 Guns function normally everyday of the month.

#3 A gun doesn't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"

#2 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON A GUN IS FAVORED OVER A WOMAN....

#1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!!!

[Dutch_guy]

Oh well, if we're doing the whole 'list' thing, I might as well post the beer list. First I'm going to have to quote EA, though

Just for you (and CR, because he'll like this sort of thing, and with huge apologies to Prole):

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

52 Reasons To Have A Beer Over A Woman
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.

5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

8. Hangovers go away.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.

14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

15. A beer always goes down easy.

16. You can have more than one beer in a night, and not feel guilty.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. Beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. You can have a beer in public.

22. A beer doesn't care when you come.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

25. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.

27. When you're interrupted by a beer, it's for a good reason.

28. A beer is always satisfying.

29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.

30. A beer won't tell you it's pregnant for fun.

31. A beer doesn't have in-laws.

32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.

33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.

34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.

35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.

36. The only thing a beer tells you is when it's time to go to the bathroom.

37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.

38. It's okay to leave a party with a different beer than you arrived with.

39. Beer won't drive you to drink.

40. You can shoot a beer.

41. A beer chaser is easy to catch.

42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.

43. A tree is good enough for a beer.

44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.

45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.

46. Beer and Ice don't mix.

47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation.

48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.

49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.

50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.

51. Beer never complains about the wet spot.

52. You can put all your old beers in one room, and they won't fight.

[Sjakihata]

I fail to grasp the point or the humor. Is it supposed to be a poem?

edit: if it is an attempt to make fun of religion, it's not the most intellectual approach. And if it intends on doing it with a satirical touch, it is generally better if the satire is fun.

[GoreBag]

#5 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

Heh...I'm going to refrain from the obvious joke in poor taste.

[Papewaio]

Not if it's reeeeallly fresh...

Jailbait leads to jail time.

[Hosakawa Tito]

Jailbait leads to jail time.

Then guess who the virgin will be.

[yesdachi]

Then guess who the virgin will be.

Brilliant!

[Spino]

Jailbait leads to jail time.

EDIT: Not, I think, appropriate. BG

Then guess who the virgin will be.

Virgin? Moi? My annual dalliance with my doctor's finger proves otherwise..

[Banquo's Ghost]

I think this thread has had its day.

Thank you and good night.