Chic catching for the common man, a how-to guide by Vuk

**Vuk** · 02-14-2007, 23:05

Well, there are always plenty of mentally deranged chics out there :D

No, I didn't.

Oh well, these are chics, not babes anyway. :D I just hope he sees it that way. :D

**Fragony** · 02-15-2007, 09:01

Catching ain't that hard, keeping them is the trouble. Always saying that you are such a bad listener, but when you promise improvement and stop buying them gifts they leave you anyway.

**Rodion Romanovich** · 02-15-2007, 09:24

Chics cost much upkeep but little starting cost, like mercenaries. That's why they're best hired when you need them most, then quickly disbanded.

**Vuk** · 02-16-2007, 21:52

Chapter VI: Marriage

What is marriage? Marriage is the perpetual torture and enslavement of a person to their spouse. (According to Web Star’s Dictionary of Social Terms).
Marriage is like a car crash. You start you relationship up, pull out onto the road, pick up speed, take fast corners, and then at the end, you get married. Of course, just as one would wish to avoid a car crash (well…most would), most wish to avoid marriage (Most enlightened individuals who are free of the constraints of the archaic DWEM society of the past, that is…). Bust just as people get in car accidents when they don’t intend to, they also get married when they don’t plan to. For that reason, this chapter will be devoted not only to avoiding marriage, but how to cope with it and get on with life when you’re done. We will also consider the most commonly accepted cures for marriage (as well as a few lesser known ones).

While avoiding marriage may seem easy enough now, you probably won’t find it so easy when you are deep into your relationship and the deadly drugs of eternal feelings and infatuation are working on your soul. The two best ways to avoid marriage are:
a. Not to have feelings,
and
b. Not to have a soul.

Not having feelings is the least foolproof, as you still need to look out for infatuation. It is, however, the easier of the two. Not having physical feelings is not the same as not having emotional feelings, but protecting against physical feelings helps you not to get snared in emotional feelings as well as ward against infatuation. Not having physical feelings is obviously VERY important, so that is what we will start with.

The best way to not have any physical feelings is to condition yourself so you are numb to them. To do this, I have laid out a suggested course of action that the common man can take.

1. The surface of you skin contains nearly all the nerves in your body – 10,000 times those in your brain! The best way to nullify the nerves on the surface of your skin is simply to get out of bed every day and run a disc grinder along the entire surface of your body. (Also, this will toughen you, and make you more animalistic, as well as giving you some irresistible scars!) If this is not working for you, you may want to try a cheese grater. If you can not summon the courage to do this yourself, you will need to find a manly friend to do it for you. (It may not be a bad idea to host a skin grinding party with the guys!)

2. Element response conditioning. The best way to get your body immune to the elements is to immerse yourself in them.
a. Fire. Start by putting out a candle with your finger tips every day. After a week or so of that, move onto squeezing a hot coal. Once you’ve become immune to that, you should fill your tub with hot coals, and take a nice warm bath. Do this twice a day.
b. Cold. Cold is the easiest element in the world to gain immunity to. If you live in an arctic region, such as Wisconsin, you can simply start sleeping naked out of doors. If you are not so lucky, you will need to use your freezer. Note: Buying a chest freezer might be a good investment, as sleeping in an upright position is not good for your back!
3. Impact survival training. Probably one of the most important. This is to immunize your body from sensing pressure (such as soft, seductive finger tips pressing down on your skin). Two of the pressure resistance and impact survival exercises require more than one person, however one can be done by yourself. You may find group exercises easier, and they are certainly more effective, so we will cover them first.
a. Vehicular man toughening. Lie down on your face in the middle of the road, and have one of your friend drive his automobile over you. It is not a good idea to start with something as large as a truck, as an untrained body (even one as tough and animalistic as yours) may not be able to take the pressure. It is a good idea to start with something like a bicycle and work your way up to the dump truck. After your friend has done this to your entire back, turn around and let him get the front. When both sides are done, have him lay down and you drive.
b. Punch/kick training. This exercise requires at least two people. All participants line up, and count to ten. On the count, they proceed to bash each others brains all over the floor with hands and fists.
Note: Hair grapples are illegal!
c. Lover’s Leap. This is the only impact survival exercise than can be done solo. Simply find a tall cliff, or climb to the top of a tall building and throw yourself to the ground. Repeat three times daily.
4. The last and simplest part of the course is pokey training – how to numb your massive hunky body to all sorts of mean pokey boo boo pain stuffs. Simply get a fork, and jab it into you arm. Do this to your other arm and both your legs. Keep doing it till you’ve covered the whole surface of your body. A day after that, use a grub hoe, then an axe, then an awl, then a Samurai sword.

Avoiding emotional feelings.
This is easier said than done. No matter how much we deny it, all men have a soft spot. This can be for a car, or a dog, and sometimes even for a woman. To make sure our manly souls are not blemished with feelings, we must drive them out where we find them. Start by getting up and kicking you dog every day. If you can not make your self do that, flip a coin to see if you should. Heads you kick, tail the dog gets kicked. It will work out right every time. Next, place your cat in the skillet and eat it for breakfast…while it is alive. (note: you may lose an eye or two while attempting this, but don’t worry, girls like scars.) Then drive over to your mother’s house and burn it to the ground. Call your girlfriend up and tell her that you think she looks as good as your shoe. When you ma comes back from town and finds her house burnt down, tell her not to cry as it emphasizes her many wrinkles. Get home quickly as most men tend to break down at this stage. Don’t break down and cry on your living room sofa – lock you self in the bathroom and break down and cry. (Note: Make sure you have shut all the windows!) Each time you do this, lower the crying time by a minute. Soon, you will be completely heartless.

The second option I suggested was having no soul. This is the harder of the two as it requires a connection with the supernatural which can sometimes be hard to come by. For this reason I will not discuss this in depth, but rather refer you to Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

Commonly accepted cures for marriage:

The easiest is a divorce. Of course this can be the most painful as she will get al your property. So the next best thing to do is to constantly take long vacations away from home. As marriage vows mean nothing anyway, feel free to fornicate till your heart’s content. You could also send the family away on long vacations while you sit on your seventy ton arse eating popcorn, drinking beer and watching football.
If none of these work for you, there are two cures for marriage that are less known.
First, you could kill the wife. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, you can kill yourself. Both work very effectively.
I hope this chapter has helped you to see marriage in a more clear light as well as inform you of the many things that can be done about it.