Chic catching for the common man, a how-to guide by Vuk

[Vuk]

This is going to be a several post guide. This first post is just an introduction.

This guide is for the common man. It is written for the common man because tycoons and movie stars have no problem getting girls, and the ugly buggers can't get 'em no matter what they do. This is a parody, so no one take it seriously or get offended by it please ;). (Even if you are ugly :D)
I am going to class now, but when I get back, I will start with Chapter I: What a Chic Wants. See ya then ;)

[CrossLOPER]

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Mister Big Shot Man.

[caravel]

I will fill in for Vuk in his absence. Yes indeed, what a "chick" wants? That is the big question everyone is asking... As to what a chick doesn't want, well there's bird flu I suppose, and of course a chick doesn't want to get eaten, but who does?

Well that's it for today's instalment, I'll be back here next week with the next thrilling instalment: "Stuffing your chick properly". Ensure you have all the right tools and plenty of oil. Also bring protection, as the chick will be very hot, and we don't want any of you having an accident.

***Coat on, running from the thread ***

[GoreBag]

"Chics" don't want sex before marriage, I hope.

[Vladimir]

Chicks want cracked corn. Later on you can let them run loose in the yard after you cut grass. That way, they can eat all the recently exposed bugs.

[Vuk]

Chapter I: What a Chic Wants


Part A: The rule of 3M


MMM: Money, Muscle, Motors (Fast ones...). While most guys are whores interested only in sex, this is what all women want. This is the reason that movie stars have such an easy time getting chics, leaving us (We normal guys who are neither too rich or too ugly) what is left.
* Money is the no-brainer; every chic wants money. I mean, who wouldn't, you can do a lot of things with money. (Like afford a bunch of boyfriends when you dump your husband and get his fortune).
* No matter how some deny it, ALL girls like muscle. Raw, sweating, knobby, cords of mass energy. In fact, this is the most attractive physical feature (apart from cars) to a girl. In the history of the female sex, there hasn't been a single woman not infactuated with muscle.
* Motors, this is one of the primary factors to influence a chics decision on a man. Girls like sleek, shiny, low riders with big wheels and hardly any door to be seen. This is THE big physical turn-on in a woman's life. A lot of times a girl will look at a guy's ride and decide then and there if she will ever like him.

Let me shatter the myths right now. Girls are not into the whole "nurturing" thing. They aren't really the sensitive souls they make themselves out to be, but are rather ravinous souls looking to be fed. Feed them. Also, girls don't really care about sex either. They just pretend they are so they can get closer to your wheels...

Girls don't like scrawny guys, and they HATE brainy guys. Girls just love a man with brain in his head and a lot of beef and hair on his body. Chics love grissly, hairy, muscely guys. Guys that are rustic and live on the wild side. They don't want any of that tender crap.

As far as chocolate and roses go, don't bother. Girls think guys that give them chocolates and roses are wimpy.

[Don Corleone]

Chapter I: What a Chic Wants


Part A: The rule of 3M


MMM: Money, Muscle, Motors (Fast ones...). While most guys are whores interested only in sex, this is what all women want. This is the reason that movie stars have such an easy time getting chics, leaving us (We normal guys who are neither too rich or too ugly) what is left.
* Money is the no-brainer; every chic wants money. I mean, who wouldn't, you can do a lot of things with money. (Like afford a bunch of boyfriends when you dump your husband and get his fortune).
* No matter how some deny it, ALL girls like muscle. Raw, sweating, knobby, cords of mass energy. In fact, this is the most attractive physical feature (apart from cars) to a girl. In the history of the female sex, there hasn't been a single woman not infactuated with muscle.
* Motors, this is one of the primary factors to influence a chics decision on a man. Girls like sleek, shiny, low riders with big wheels and hardly any door to be seen. This is THE big physical turn-on in a woman's life. A lot of times a girl will look at a guy's ride and decide then and there if she will ever like him.

Let me shatter the myths right now. Girls are not into the whole "nurturing" thing. They aren't really the sensitive souls they make themselves out to be, but are rather ravinous souls looking to be fed. Feed them. Also, girls don't really care about sex either. They just pretend they are so they can get closer to your wheels...

Girls don't like scrawny guys, and they HATE brainy guys. Girls just love a man with brain in his head and a lot of beef and hair on his body. Chics love grissly, hairy, muscely guys. Guys that are rustic and live on the wild side. They don't want any of that tender crap.

As far as chocolate and roses go, don't bother. Girls think guys that give them chocolates and roses are wimpy.

Dude, you spend a lot of time dating Rosie Palmer, don't ya.

[Vuk]

Chapter II: How to catch a Chic’s eye.

Every relationship has to begin somewhere. That “beginning” will effect the way she see’s you through the rest of your relationship, so make it good.

When a Chic is looking at you

The easiest time to start a relationship is when you catch a Chic looking at you. That means that the attraction has already begun; the ball is poised, you just need to give it a push to get things rolling.
First, try to identify what it is that caught her attention. If it is because you left your fly undone, what people usually do is turn red as a cherry and walk away. That gives her the impression that you are a wimp; that is not what you want. If this happens, look at her with a curled smile and give her the brows. If she starts to dial a three digit # on her phone, run away. If it is not the fly, then it is you impressive frame or the hair on your arms. Either way, the best thing to do is casually roll your sleeves up and start flexing your hairy bicep. If this does not work, walk up to her and ask her if she has seen the keys to your ever-so-manly-pickup-truck recently. If she says “no”, tell her “Too bad, now I can’t go and be a real man like I usually am…unless you wanna give a ride hunny.” It is best flex your muscles as you finish this last line, as it let’s her see how manly you are just as she makes her choice. If she says, “No”, then you are in luck. Chic’s say this to test your endurance and see if you are a quitter, or willing to stay the course. Repeat the first few steps till she is convinced or dials 911; if she dials 911, run.

When a chic catches you looking at her

When a Chic catches you looking at her, it is a good idea to impress upon her your zeal and passion. Drool, and grunt. Sweat and never take your eyes from her. Look like an animal. She will she you in your manly, animalistic state, see the fur and muscle on your arms, and be speechless. As she stares at you in disbelief of your manliness, take the initiative and approach her. Ask her if she’d like to go out to McDonalds for a few BigMacs. If she dials 911, run.

When you can’t get a chic to notice you

Many men will tell you to wait, and maybe she will get interested, but “He who hesitates is lost”. If she won’t notice you, make her. Stand in front of her and flex your enormous muscles. Stand on the table and hoot. Never stop till she looks at you, then make you move.

[Vuk]

Chapter III: Dating Techniques

Dating is the playing ground of any relation. First meeting is where you are accepted into the game, and marriage is when you break your leg and retire. My advice? Never marry except as a last resort.
Dating IS the relation, and the first date is important as it is the beginning of the relation (And it makes sense that the beginning of a relation is important). The first date is the time to show her how uninterested and independent you are. Chic’s like a man who is like a passionate animal but completely detached from reality and uncaring of anything but instant gratification. I suggest skipping the first date, and when she calls, apologize and tell her that you forgot all about it…and grunt. That will show her that she is an afterthought and she will try very hard to get you to notice her. She longs for you animal like passion, and when she sees that you are impassionate about her, will do everything in her power to excite you and make you hers. This is good. This is what you want. Now you are in control.
Don’t miss the second date, this will give her hope and keep her trying. It is also a good opportunity to impress upon her your animal like nature.
The most important part isn’t the date, but the preparation. During the date you will just sit and growl, but she will notice what you did to prepare for it.
First of all, several days before the date, cease washing (if you do). She must smell you and get the wrong impression that you do more in your life than sit on your fat arse, smoke, drink, and watch football. She must think that you are an animal from the wilderness, come to consume her. (believe me, it turns ‘em on) In addition to not showering, don’t shave (if you do), she must see the proof of your manhood: your hairy face and arms.
Do not where a top. She has to see you rustic and wild, and see your animal like chest. She will be consumed with passion. (If you live in an arctic region like Wisconsin or the lovely township of Canada :D, it is especially helpful as she will she you toughing the elements and think you invincible…or wild, like a wolf.)
The gift you bring her is important. It is a good idea to show her how dumb and brutish you are by bringing her nothing, but it is a better idea to impress that same thing upon her with a gift. Bring her a bear tooth you bought on one of you many visits to the craft show and tell her you pulled it from a grizzly’s mouth when a school of them attacked you while you were bathing naked in ice cold mountain streams. She will swoon.
When you get to her house to pick her up, sling gravel. Show her that you have no respect for any laws and are pure macho man. Impress her with your manly ride as you rev it continually. Don’t talk on the way to you date. If she does, grunt in return. Seem detached and absorbed with the manly beauty of your ride. She will be too.
When you eat, don’t use utensils. Hands are more natural and rugged. Eat large amounts of food at once and never let her see you eating greens…just greasy beef. If she asks you too kiss her, jump across the table, grab her in your arms, growl deeply, and kiss with passion. She will be lost. Drive without saying a word…or grunting. Look fat, satisfied, and sleepy.

[CrossLOPER]

When you can’t get a chic to notice you

Many men will tell you to wait...smack her.

You're awful.

[Vuk]

Chapter IV: Body conditioning

If you are to get a chic, you must have the right body. This is even more important if you don’t have money or a nice car, as it is the only thing chic’s will see in you. First, you need hair. A lot of men don’t have enough hair to please their Chic because they wear clothes. Clothes rub the hair off and disappoint you Chic. On a national poll of over 5 million women, 90% of them said they wouldn’t be interested in a guy who doesn’t have AT LEAST 4” chest hair all across. 80% said that they thought that back and butt hair was next important. Those Viagra commercials try to tell you what chics want in size, but don’t let those corporate money makers fool you, it is hair and brawn. If you want you hair length to increase, try going about naked for a few months. If this still doesn’t give you results, braid the hair on you butt, and tie it to you ceiling fan. Remain suspended for two days at a time, increase by 12 hours every time.
Luckily, the muscle is a lot easier to get than the hair…and a lot less painful too. As natural muscle is hard to get and completely unnecessary, we will not concern ourselves with it. The much easier (if slightly more expensive) alternative is simply getting silicone implants. If you can’t afford them, either do it the hard way or give up the hope of EVER getting a chic.
Keeping at a normal weight is also very important, as (though chic’s do find beer bottles sexy) being fat will hide your muscle. For this, I will post the advice of the world famous fitness doctor, Dr. Kenmiester.


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A HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION with Dr. Kenmiester:


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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.

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!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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< /DIV>
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: ( I like this part, and I have seen it before, too.)
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!!"


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The most important thing too remember is, don't be obsessive with wieght control. Sure, it hides you muscle (or silicone implants), but chic's find fat almost as sexy as muscle anyway!! Be proud of who you are! (Even if you are a fat lazy bastard who can barely pale you big, fat, hairy pale arse of the couch to go get another beer) :D

[Vuk]

Chapter V: In Bed

In our enlightened society, marriage is just a burden, and what a relationship ultimately gets down to is sex. This chapter will try too explain how to give your special someone the time of her life in bed.

Become Vuk :D

[Vuk]

I am leaving school soon and have some real stuff to do, so this will probably be all for today.
:D
Please feel free to post your comments, questions, or suggestions. PM me if you need some tutoring or have a personal question.

[Crazed Rabbit]

Thanks for the list, I'm going to send it to everyone I know to increase my odds.

CR

[Tuuvi]

Vuk, I'm not so sure you're qualified to write this...

[Tuuvi]

You would be qualified to write " Stud catching for the common man, a how-to guide" no just kidding that's some pretty funny stuff

[Stig]

*reads thread*
*is happy he already has a girlfriend*
this wouldn't have helped me

[Lemur]

Wow, easily the most useful and accurate compilation of dating advice I've ever seen. Who knew we had such talent lurking on the board? The only factual error I can find is this:

Bring her a bear tooth you bought on one of you many visits to the craft show and tell her you pulled it from a grizzly’s mouth when a school of them attacked you while you were bathing naked in ice cold mountain streams.

I would think that someone as educated and wise as Vuk would know that bears travel in sleuths, not schools.

Other than that, bravo! If only I were single again, I could put this brilliant advice to work ...

[GoreBag]

It's a like a watered-down Maddox...so watered-down that I can't be sure if it's intended to be funny.

[Csargo]

[Papewaio]

Just to state the obvious...

This is a parody, so no one take it seriously or get offended by it please ;).

[BDC]

There is nothing a tub of Ben & Jerries ice cream won't get you.

[KukriKhan]

There is nothing a tub of Ben & Jerries ice cream won't get you.

Good point. As silly as it seems on the surface, what we're discussing here is "bait", right? What kind, how much, how to deploy?

[Don Corleone]

Chocolate makes the best bait I've ever found. As for how much, there's no such thing as too much. Keep lots of chocolate around, ply them with it, and the honeys will fight each other to get to your door.

[Andres]

this wouldn't have helped me

Are you sure?

[Vuk]

Wow, easily the most useful and accurate compilation of dating advice I've ever seen. Who knew we had such talent lurking on the board? The only factual error I can find is this:

I would think that someone as educated and wise as Vuk would know that bears travel in sleuths, not schools.

Other than that, bravo! If only I were single again, I could put this brilliant advice to work ...

lol, that was intended to be humorous. (like the whole guide wasn't, right?)

[Seamus Fermanagh]

My brother spent the the entirety of his time as an upperclassman at university stoned -- friendly pharmacology students assisted him with dosages; he rarely shaved and did not cut his hair except to trim off the split ends; he neither excelled in classes nor had a lot of money.

He never lacked for female companionship -- even having to politely refuse in a couple of instances where he deemed his health at risk if he too journeyed on a path that was NOT exactly "the road less traveled."

He had an acquaintance at university who, if asked for advice on dealing with women, would reply -- and I quote -- "Hit her. She'll come back."

This male also never lacked for companionship.


Perhaps Vuk is onto something and his advice isn't only meant -- pardon the pun -- tongue-in-cheek.

[Vuk]

My brother spent the the entirety of his time as an upperclassman at university stoned -- friendly pharmacology students assisted him with dosages; he rarely shaved and did not cut his hair except to trim off the split ends; he neither excelled in classes nor had a lot of money.

He never lacked for female companionship -- even having to politely refuse in a couple of instances where he deemed his health at risk if he too journeyed on a path that was NOT exactly "the road less traveled."

He had an acquaintance at university who, if asked for advice on dealing with women, would reply -- and I quote -- "Hit her. She'll come back."

This male also never lacked for companionship.


Perhaps Vuk is onto something and his advice isn't only meant -- pardon the pun -- tongue-in-cheek.

There is a difference between female companionship and a "Chic friend".

Female companionship:


Dream Chic friend:





See what I mean?

[Vuk]

Or to illustrate my point a bit better:

FC:




[IMG]
https://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i55/cowboy_up_07/four-fat-woman-bikini.jpg[/IMG]


DCF:






OMG :O What a Godess!!

[Seamus Fermanagh]

Vuk:

I take your point, though the companionship referenced in my post would qualify as "chic" using your visual rubric.

Also

You are risking the wrath of Pappy for those last two posts...have you seen his sig warning?