working away from your family

[doc_bean]

Since a lot of people here seem to have lead quite the adventurous life, I figured this might be the right place to ask for advice.

I'm considering applying for a job that would involve me being abroad for 8-9 months a year (in 1 to 3 month periods), but I'm unsure if i'll be able to keep a decent social life, and more importantly my girlfriend if I do so. She's being very passive-aggressive about the whole thing ("I'm not going to stop you but I wish you would have told me a few years earlier you were planning to do this" and stuff like that).

So anyway, I'm wondering, since a lot of you seem to have done similar things, how did it impact your family life ? Would you do it again ? Would you advice me to (not) do something like this ?

Making personal choices is not exactly my strong point.

[InsaneApache]

Do it. If you don't you'll regret it later. The voice of experience.

[Beirut]

Assuming you don't have kids, and your girlfriend is about the same age as you, you're combined quest for adventure and concubinal fidelity is... problematic.

Sure you love each other, but if there ain't no ring or fetus holding you together ( "Lemme go! Lemme go!) , life is sure to bring unexpected doubts (and benefits) to you both over that nine month period. And ten times as many the next time you leave for nine months.

And to be blunt, does she really trust you not to sow your wild oats in foreign pastures while the rain rains and the native girls dance? Because if she has even 1% doubt, then you must have at least 2% concern that she will voice those doubts to Antonio, the new olive skinned, long haired waiter at the coffee shop she goes to. He's a really nice guy and loves to listen.

Ya pays yer dime and ya takes yer chances.

[pevergreen]

My brother just accepted a deal like that..

12 days on, 2 days home.

His girlfriend was angry, dumped him within 9 days of him leaving.

[Tribesman]

Go for it .

[InsaneApache]

To put some flesh on the bones of my original post. When I was 18 I got a job in a exotic foreign country (Scotland ) it sounds like the sort of thing posted above, 3 weeks on and 1 week off, paid.

It was one of the best decisions I made as a teenager. It made me grow up. My girlfriend at the time also finished our relationship. I was gutted. Still, all was well in the end, we ended up getting married and had two lads.

Didn't last though as Mrs Apache MK1 ran off with a Ukrainian double glazing salesman. True.

[Don Corleone]

First, I'm going to assume you and your girlfriend have no children together. If you do, what I'm about to say can be tossed right out the window.

I don't think there is a right answer. It's all a question of priorities, and each person must assign those within their life. I will tell you, if you're going to be in a foreign country for 1 to 3 months at a stretch for the next several years, you should prepare yourself for the likely (though not certain) outcome that you and your girlfriend will part ways. You may even wind up reuniting when you move back to Belgium on a more permanent basis, but long distance relationships are very hard work.

That being said, frequently it's this type of work that leads to the most advanced career tracks. Your company will identify you as a go-getter, willing to do what it takes. They don't take that sort of thing lightly, and you could be putting rocket fuel into the engine of your career development.

What's more, I think everyone should live in an area at least 400 miles away from their stomping grounds that has a different culture (for me, that was North Carolina ) for at least 2 years. It will help you to grow in ways you cannot begin to imagine. It helps break the provinicialism that we all could be guilty of, given half a chance.

[doc_bean]

Part of the problem is that the job provides no long term plan except "keep doing what you're doing". I'm not sure what would happen if we decided to have kids and settle down, I'd probably have to look for another job and i'm not sure the skills learned on this job would be very useful somewhere else (a decent knowledge of ship operation/repair is rarely useful on land...)

I'm supposed to have a talk wiht the company in late march so I'll get to ask some more questions about long term perspectives then.

Thanks for the replies guys, feel free to add more

[Upxl]

Pack that bag and give the girl a warm long kiss goodbye.

I was going through the same dilemma some time ago and I’m very happy to say I chose to leave sweet little Belgium to the mercy of The Kaiser.

Returning to the mother country a new and (if i may say so) improved man.

It develops you’re character in ways that otherwise wouldn’t be possible and gives you a strong and cosy feeling of independence.
I was still living with my parents at that time which may not be you’re case, but i'm sure you’ll get that independent vibe nonetheless.

Although I must admit that the girl and I never got together again.
Mainly because my views on life changed tremendously during this experience.
Weither or not this is worth the risk is youre dissision.

but,

I say: ”Go!” Now you’re still young enough for it.
Or in the words of the wise “A man should spread his horizons”.

Just remember to brief us Orgs from time to time.

[Upxl]

ps: Dont forget foreign work experience looks real sweet on curriculum vitae.

[Devastatin Dave]

Do it now before you hae kids. I went to Korea for a year, my wife an I had been married for 4 years before I left. It was ruff, but it did make us closer in a spiritual (I guess emotional sense to translate to my Godless European friends) sense. At the same time, if your relatioship doesn't work out when you're far apart for a long period of time, it'll give a better insight into what you really have. Go for it...

[Redleg]

Working away from the family is a young man's adventure..

You will need to evaluate what the possiblities of long term stability in the career path and the relation with your girlfriend. Pick the course that best fits your own short and long term plan.

Life is about choices - do not regret the course that you decide on.

[KukriKhan]

My late Mother said I had 'the wanderlust' from an early age. I spent 16 adult years living out of duffel bags, moving families every 18-24 months, and being away from them 4-6 months at a time. It was extremely rough on my spouses, who quit after several years of residential instability - and I never blamed them for changing their minds.

Still, I wouldn't trade the experience gained from all that travel for anything. If I had it to do over again, I'd still move around, just not marry until I was finished, and ready to settle down.

[Somebody Else]

Go for it. If you lose her, there's 3 billion more to choose from. If you don't go, you'll never know what it would have been like had you taken the job.

[Vuk]

Since a lot of people here seem to have lead quite the adventurous life, I figured this might be the right place to ask for advice.

I'm considering applying for a job that would involve me being abroad for 8-9 months a year (in 1 to 3 month periods), but I'm unsure if i'll be able to keep a decent social life, and more importantly my girlfriend if I do so. She's being very passive-aggressive about the whole thing ("I'm not going to stop you but I wish you would have told me a few years earlier you were planning to do this" and stuff like that).

So anyway, I'm wondering, since a lot of you seem to have done similar things, how did it impact your family life ? Would you do it again ? Would you advice me to (not) do something like this ?

Making personal choices is not exactly my strong point.

It is not anyone here's place to tell you what to do, but my advice would be to take her with you. If she isn't willing to go, she may not be worth it. Again, I don't know all the circumstances, but that sounds right to me.

[ShadeHonestus]

As a professor and friend once told me when I asked his opinion about a chance to go to Russia for a year, "Yes, go, visit many brothels and enjoy many many Russian women and the nightlife. Or you can wait until you're older and regret not going."

I didn't go and got married a year later.


Go SON, GOOOOO!! Run even!

[SwordsMaster]

Go. I'd rather regret going than regret not going.

[Geoffrey S]

All I can say on the matter is that my grandfather said his decision to work in Qatar for a few years was the best he ever made, and my father has always regretted passing down a position in Japan.

[doc_bean]

It is not anyone here's place to tell you what to do,

Well, I'm the one that asked for advice and people's experiences. I'll make up my own mind in the end, perhaps something someone says here will have a tiny influence on that decision, perhaps not. It's a complicated situation.

but my advice would be to take her with you. If she isn't willing to go, she may not be worth it. Again, I don't know all the circumstances, but that sounds right to me.

That's pushing away responsibility, she might as well say that if I'm leaving I'm not worth staying together with. I'lla sk her to come with if that's a possibility, but I don't expect her to just follow, she has a life, and a carreer, of her own.

EDIT: lovely responses while I was typing this

I'm looking into another job (not given up on the original idea, keeping my options open for a little while) now which would give me the opportunity to go abroad (incl off shore work) for shorter periods of time, might be the best of both worlds.

[Vuk]

As a professor and friend once told me when I asked his opinion about a chance to go to Russia for a year, "Yes, go, visit many brothels and enjoy many many Russian women and the nightlife. Or you can wait until you're older and regret not going."

I didn't go and got married a year later.


Go SON, GOOOOO!! Run even!

This is advice I'd think twice of taking...
;)

[Vuk]

That's pushing away responsibility, she might as well say that if I'm leaving I'm not worth staying together with. I'lla sk her to come with if that's a possibility, but I don't expect her to just follow, she has a life, and a carreer, of her own.

True, but you can't try to keep a relationship going when you go off living different lives. Either she has to love you enough to go with you, or you have to love her enough to stay. One or the other. If she won't go, do yoou love her enough to stay?

[doc_bean]

True, but you can't try to keep a relationship going when you go off living different lives. Either she has to love you enough to go with you, or you have to love her enough to stay. One or the other. If she won't go, do yoou love her enough to stay?

That's a difficult question: I want it all, of course.

[SwordsMaster]

That's a difficult question: I want it all, of course.

Then again, if she doesn't love you enough to go, why should you stay?

[doc_bean]

Then again, if she doesn't love you enough to go, why should you stay?

Like I said, a bad question, it absolves you (well me) of responsibility.

[Tribesman]

True, but you can't try to keep a relationship going when you go off living different lives. Either she has to love you enough to go with you, or you have to love her enough to stay. One or the other. If she won't go, do yoou love her enough to stay?

Rubbish , the first thing I did after my honeymoon was bugger off working for 6 months, no harm to the relationship at all . Just like there was no harm doing it before the marriage and there has been no harm doing it since .
The only thing that cuts down on it now is the kids .

[ShadeHonestus]

1.Is it something you really want to do?

2.Is "I'm not going to stop you but I wish you would have told me a few years earlier you were planning to do this" and stuff like that" the kind of feedback you want when opportunity knocks to your financial benefit?


If 1 is yes and 2 is no, then go.
If 1 is yes and 2 is yes, then stay and get use to dissapointment.
If 1 is no and 2 is no, then stay, but find a new woman.
If 1 is no and 2 is yes, then you are perfect for each other and the situation is right for the both of you.

[Vuk]

Rubbish , the first thing I did after my honeymoon was bugger off working for 6 months, no harm to the relationship at all . Just like there was no harm doing it before the marriage and there has been no harm doing it since .
The only thing that cuts down on it now is the kids .

lol, I've known kids to keep a lot of couples together. While admittedly, children take a toll on a relationship, their affect is overstated. You didn't have much going if having some kids could ruin it all for you.

I, for a while, entertained two girlfriends. One in my homestate, and the other (originally from my homestate) who moved to Texas. I can tell you, it didn't last long. I moved across the State from my surviving girlfriend, and that didn't last long either. Girls don't loke being left alone. If they don't have company, they will seek it. (not saying your gf will go sleeping around behind your back, but that if she isn't getting what she needs from a relationship: she'll end it.) Poor Vuk is now all alone and sad because of the same mistake. :(
Again, my advice:
1. Take her with you.
2. Stay with her.

The third option really doesn't work.

[BDC]

Women come and go. Don't let one keep you from doing what will improve your life, as you'll only regret it and end up being annoyed at her for it.

Hopefully anyway. Not sure letting me (now) ex going off to uni at the other end of the country whilst I had a gap year was too brilliant an idea...

[Tribesman]

lol, I've known kids to keep a lot of couples together. While admittedly, children take a toll on a relationship, their affect is overstated. You didn't have much going if having some kids could ruin it all for you.

what a muppet.
Now then Vuk let me explain it to you in simple words that perhaps you might at a stretch be able to grasp .
The issue about not taking jobs out foriegn for long peiods of time when you have kids is a simple one , childhood is a short but very very important period , it is not a period when you would want to be absent for any long stretch just for the sake of some extra money .

1. Take her with you.
2. Stay with her.

The third option really doesn't work.

That says more about the people involved in your life than it does about the topic at hand

[KukriKhan]

Gentlemen: on-topic, please. The correct response to personal critiques is silent distain, and the "report bad post" button.