News of the Weird

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

Crematoria not big enough for fatties.

[Louis VI the Fat]

Bell ringer catapulted into tower

[Gregoshi]

Crematoria not big enough for fatties.

As part of a £1.2m refurbishment, a new furnace at Mintlyn Crematorium in Bawsey was recently installed by King's Lynn and West Norfolk Council to accommodate coffins a metre wide.

What a waist.

[InsaneApache]

I'm with the gee-gees on this one....

As true proponents of the rock'n'roll lifestyle, the Rolling Stones are no strangers to drug scandals. But the latest brouhaha does not involve band members Mick Jagger or Keith Richards, it focuses on about 300 horses stabled near a Belgrade stadium where the Stones are to perform in July.

http://music.guardian.co.uk/news/sto...060730,00.html

Imagine that? Getting stoned at a Stones gig! Perish the thought.

[Vladimir]

Crematoria not big enough for fatties.

[/B]

But from a legal standpoint, no statement was made on timing or theoretical access, just the procedure used itself.

Problem solved by merging backroom threads. We could rule the world you know. And don't tell me I'm off topic.

edit: I'm afraid it almost entirely was. -Kukri

[doc_bean]

A man was sentenced yesterday for organizing sex parties with ponies and spreading the pictures on the internet. The 'public party' was an animal rights organization.

link in Dutch

[Lemur]

Kim Jong Il cannot resist eating giant rabbits. But, great leader, they were meant for breeding ...

Mr Szmolinsky said he suspected that his rabbits, which grow to the size of dogs and can weigh over 10kg (22lb), were eaten at a birthday banquet for Kim Jong Il, the North Korean leader, although he emphasised that he had no evidence of this.

“It’s an assumption, not an assertion,” Mr Szmolinsky said. “But I don’t think the animals are alive anymore, I think they’ve been eaten.”

[Husar]

I don't think a fox would dare hunting THAT rabbit!

[Louis VI the Fat]

Kim Jong Il cannot resist eating giant rabbits

Aaah, you're still to weird news what Gregoshi is to puns.

As a salute to your greatness: Humans ate giant Lemur to extinction

[Hepcat]

Kim Jong Il cannot resist eating giant rabbits. But, great leader, they were meant for breeding ...

Mr Szmolinsky said he suspected that his rabbits, which grow to the size of dogs and can weigh over 10kg (22lb), were eaten at a birthday banquet for Kim Jong Il, the North Korean leader, although he emphasised that he had no evidence of this.

“It’s an assumption, not an assertion,” Mr Szmolinsky said. “But I don’t think the animals are alive anymore, I think they’ve been eaten.”

Thats brilliant! Communists ate my bunnies!

Great Find.

[Lemur]

Humans ate giant Lemur to extinction

That is the saddest, most depressing thing this lemur has read in ages. Only one thing could cheer me up:

Drill Sergeant Forces Recruits to Dress As Superman, Re-Enact Porno Movies

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Fort Eustis drill sergeant faces charges of molesting trainees

Associated Press, March 4, 2007

HAMPTON -- A drill sergeant at Fort Eustis is accused of forcing a male trainee to dress as Superman and submit to sexual acts, according to court documents.

Army Staff Sgt. Edmundo F. Estrada, 35, of Hampton, also faces charges of indecent assault, having an inappropriate relationship with a trainee, and cruelty and maltreatment of subordinates, Fort Eustis spokeswoman Karla Gonzalez said.

Estrada was arraigned in January and is scheduled to appear April 17 in a military court. He remains on active duty but is no longer a drill sergeant, Gonzalez said.

According to a search warrant affidavit filed in Hampton Circuit Court, officials began investigating Estrada in August after a soldier reported Estrada mistreated and sexually assaulted him.

The soldier told Estrada that he felt depressed after being relieved of his training status, and said Estrada suggested "a technique that he had used previously to help soldiers with their self-confidence and alleviate depression," the affidavit said.

The technique involved role-playing scenes from a pornographic movie, which depicted a Superman character weakened by Kryptonite as the subject of sexual torture.

"Estrada would verbally describe a sexual act of torture, relating to the pornographic movie, and (the victim) was to respond in a sexual manner by moaning," the affidavit said. The soldier also said he eventually was forced to "dress in a 'Superman' or similar outfit" while Estrada performed sexual acts on him.

The soldier reported he felt if he didn't obey the requests, "Estrada would negatively affect his reclassification efforts."

Soldiers from Estrada's previous unit reported Estrada told them to shed their shirts "so he could photograph their bodies in order to document physical development," the affidavit said. Others described being ordered to "dress up and pose in spandex and then told not to mention it to anyone."

[Lemur]

Man castrates himself in London restaurant. On purpose.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Man cuts off penis in restaurant

April 24, 2007 - 11:21AM

A man cut off his penis with a knife at a London restaurant on Sunday evening, according to British tabloid The Sun.

The newspaper reports police were called to Zizzi in The Strand in central London at 9pm after reports of a man in possession of a knife.

According to witnesses, the man ran into the restaurant kitchen, grabbed a knife.

Sales rep Stuart McMahon told The Sun: "This guy came running in then charged into the kitchen, got a massive knife and started waving it about.

"Everyone was screaming and running out as he jumped on a table, dropped his trousers and popped his penis out.

"Then he cut it off. I couldn't believe it."

A Scotland Yard spokeswoman told The Sun a man aged between 30 and 40 was the only person injured and that his injuries were self-inflicted.

She said he was taken to a south London hospital where his condition was today described as stable.

[Gregoshi]

The waiter told the man he didn't want a tip...

[lars573]

Florida Doctor arrested in Captain America suit. With Burrito stuffed down tights.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

MELBOURNE, Fla. -- A Brevard County doctor dressed up in a Captain America outfit was arrested with a burrito in his tights. What he allegedly did at the police station got him into more trouble.

Doctor Raymond Adamcik, 54, would probably rather forget about the weekend when he was arrested on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence. It's not what you would expect from a doctor or Captain America.

The Palm Bay family physician was at On Tap bar as part of a pub-crawl with other medical professionals. It was a sort of costume party on a bus that would take them around from bar to bar.

Everything was fine until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, a burrito that ultimately landed him in jail.

It's certainly not the Captain America from the comic books. This one is accused of sinister deeds more fitting of a villain than a superhero.

On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification."

The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station. There, while in a holding cell, police said, he asked to use the bathroom and tried to flush a joint, also hidden in his blue tights, down the toilet.

"The officer observed him try to flush something into the toilet. He tried to flush it. The officer was able to reach inside and grab part of what he tried to flush," said Jill Frederiksen, Melbourne Police Department.

The doctor wasn't in when Eyewitness News went by and didn't return calls. He may now have to rely on a lawyer instead of his superpowers to get him out of the jam.

"This is definitely an unusual situation. We don't usually arrest people in costume," Frederiksen said.

No super powers got Adamcik out of jail. He needed $2,000 cash bail and then, once he got out of jail, he still stopped to pose for pictures on the way out. It is unclear right now whether the doctor could lose his medical license if he's convicted.

[Gregoshi]

A burrito and marijuana - I guess Capt. America couldn't find a good burger joint...

[InsaneApache]

Following on from my post about being fined for swimmig with crocodiles......

A schoolboy who climbed over a fence into a crocodile enclosure and taunted the animals with sticks and a catapult was dragged into the water and eaten.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/new...cle1690634.ece

I loved this quote.

I wonder if the croc was hungry an hour later?

[Lemur]

InsaneApache, that was a fantastic article. For my money, the best quote:

The latest scandal to attract public attention came last year in Shanghai when a city zoo cancelled its “Animal Olympics” after shows featuring boxing matches between kangaroos and their keepers, bears fighting and riding bicycles and an elephant tug-of-war drew unwelcome publicity.

[Gregoshi]

(sing to "Louie, Louie")

Liu Liu, oh no
Me gotta go
Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said
Liu Liu, oh baby
Me gotta go

Fine little croc waits for me
Catapult & sticks the croc to tease
Got bit 'n' pulled down all alone
Inside croc handbag I'll make it home

Oh Liu Liu...


Tasteless, I know.

[Crazed Rabbit]

Well, it's not news, but I don't know where else to put it, but it is funny and government related:

http://www.irs.gov/publications/p525/ar02.html#d0e7770

Look down at the fifth thing under 'Other Income'.

Yeah, I'll get right on that, after I turn myself in!

CR

[Lemur]

There's even better further down:

Illegal income. Illegal income, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

And I can't believe you haven't commented on the sad fate of the giant German rabbits.

[InsaneApache]

Four weddings and a tin of beans...

Actor Hugh Grant has been arrested over an allegation he attacked a photographer in London, before throwing a tub of food at him.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6595297.stm



Well he's gone up in my estimation, 57 varieties, 56 to go...

[Banquo's Ghost]

A man has been flung out of a plane by his trousers.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A Swedish pilot was flung out of his aircraft by a malfunctioning pair of hi-tech trousers, it has been revealed.

The incident, which took place last week, was reported in The Local yesterday. It seems the stick-jockey in question was a Swedish air force officer flying a Saab Gripen fighter.

Fighter pilots typically wear a "G-suit", also known as "speed jeans". This is a pair of special inflatable trousers which are automatically pumped up as G-forces build up in high-energy manoeuvres. The squeeze on the pilot's legs prevents all his blood draining into them, which helps in avoiding blackouts or tunnel vision.

In this case, however, it appears that the automated expando-pants tragically malfunctioned, triggering the luckless birdman's ejection seat and firing him violently out of the jet. The Gripen subsequently plunged to total destruction in a remote region, but the pilot parachuted to safety.

Swedish forces investigators said it was "very likely" that the deadly trousers were to blame for the incident.

"When subjected to large forces the suit fills with air. This is thought to have affected the ejector switch," said Mats Helgesson of the Swedish central command. There was no suggestion, sadly, of any involvement by sinister artificial intelligence tech, perhaps wishing to rid itself of old-school fleshy control and fly free like its prospective American flying-robot brethren. This was a purely trouser-based disaster.

The rogue apparel is apparently used in all Gripens of the C and D marks, and as a result these planes are forbidden from exceeding 3G until further notice. Older A and B model jets don't use the Wallace-&-Gromit-esque strides, and can still be flown without restriction.

Gives a whole new meaning to "flying by the seat of your pants".

[InsaneApache]

I do hope that he aint Gripe-n about it.

[Gregoshi]

There's even better further down:

And I can't believe you haven't commented on the sad fate of the giant German rabbits.

It's too much of a Herr*-raising tail for CR to deal with at the moment.


* I know I already punned on "Herr" pun this past week, but I couldn't resist the double "hair/hare" pun Lemur served up.

[Gregoshi]

Four weddings and a tin of beans...

Hugh Grant is a member of the "has beans" club?

The rogue apparel is apparently used in all Gripens of the C and D marks...

I'll bet the pilot left a mark (as in skid-) of his own in the pants when he was unexpected ejected from the jet. And speaking of unexpected ejections...

[InsaneApache]

Hugh Grant is a member of the "has beans" club?

The actor Hugh Grant has been arrested over an allegation that he assaulted a paparazzi photographer with a tub of baked beans.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/crime/arti...066064,00.html

Like I said, one down 56 to go....

[Gregoshi]

You are SaneApache in my book. You deftly ignored the perilous pun and answered the question as if it was punless. If only others would follow your lead, there'd be less at my posts.

[Banquo's Ghost]

You are SaneApache in my book. You deftly ignored the perilous pun and answered the question as if it was punless. If only others would follow your lead, there'd be less at my posts.

That's because I warned him he would be pun-ished if he encouraged you.

Oops.

[Banquo's Ghost]

Japanese actress blows lid off sheep-poodle scam.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A Japanese actress inadvertantly blew the lid off a scam which had duped thousands of women into buying coiffured sheep in the belief they were poodles, the Evening Standard reports.

Maiko Kawakami appeared on a TV talk show with snaps of her pet, and admitted she wondered why it "didn't bark and refused to eat dog food". She was soon set straight - her dog was in fact a sheep.

The revelation provoked a stream of women to contact the cops with "similar problems". The powers that be reckon that as many as 2,000 have fallen victim to the audacious ovine poodle con, perpetrated by internet company "Poodles as Pets", which offered the animals at £630 a pop.

A police spokesman told The Sun: "We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company was selling sheep as poodles. Sadly, we think there is more than one company operating in this way. The sheep are believed to have been imported from overseas - Britain and Australia."

In case you're wondering how on God's Green Earth you could mistake a sheep for a dog, the Standard explains that poodles are "extremely rare in Japan, with many people having little idea what they look like". No, we're not convinced either.

Barking, the lot of 'em. Or rather, not barking.

[Agent Miles]

http://www.express.de/servlet/Satell...=1177082132167

Apparently, a couple in Wellington, New Zealand discovered that their 7 year old granddaughter’s order from McDonald's contained a tasty burger…and a condom. It was after all, a “Happy Meal”.