Bad Movies

[Gregoshi]

I think some of you don't really know what a bad movie is. I can see were many of the above mentioned movies would be in the "I didn't like that at all" category, but I find it hard to believe they fall into the "bad". From Bijo's first post:

...this thread is only about bad movies. And I mean REALLY bad movies. B-movies and lower than that, that you've seen or know of. Movies of which you might think they shouldn't even be in existence. Or movies you haven't seen (yet), but know they're worthless because you've seen the front poster (and it says a lot about them).

Surely we can do worse than The Hulk, Spiderman, 300, etc...

Another movie that stinks up my bad movie list is a turd called Sorceress from 1982 - a fantasy film trying to cash in on the Dungeons & Dragons craze of the time. It starred Playboy playmate twins in the leading roles. Now, you'd think this in itself would give the movie a couple of pair of redeeming points, but you'd be sadly mistaken. The movie opens with an exciting horseback chase scene. All is well until, about 10 seconds into the movie, the first actor opens his mouth and delivers a line worse than most 8 year olds could do. My buddies and I immediately looked at each other and mouthed "Oh no!" To backup my claim, here is another reviewer's opening comments to a review on this movie (from IMDB.com link above):

I initially purchased this movie, along with two others, in a used bookstore's `Our Owner Is Dead Sale,' for the hefty price of one dollar. One must beg the question, of whether perhaps I got ripped off.

Sorceress is bad. Astronomically bad. Not the kind of bad that we're used to. No, not mediocre Hollywood bad. It's so bad, it's almost a religious experience.

[Bijo]

That's what I mean yeah :) The REALLY bad ones.



Here's another: Barb Wire.
This movie is just plain rubbish. Pamela Anderson's bad acting, and the bad story, etc., and her big boobs are in it only to show off and distract from the bad quality picture it actually is


-Any Beatles film ever made is BAD QUALITY. I mean-- it's just-- just... I mean it's..... arrrrgh! They were good music people, but they were lousy actors and those scripts were so cheap and inferior, even.... eh... EVEN UWE BOLL COULD MAKE A BETTER PICTURE.


-Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!



-3 Ninjas
This is just rubbish. No!! It's rubbish -10. Actually, if you multiply the value of this movie by 20 the outcome is -40 000.

-You Got Served
Arrrrgh!


-Any cheap comedy with bad actors

[edyzmedieval]

What's wrong with You Got Served?

[Bijo]

What's wrong with You Got Served?

Do you even need to ask?!

[edyzmedieval]

Yes, because I enjoyed it. Not an extremely awesome super duper movie, but enjoyable at least...

[Crazed Rabbit]

Starship troopers. I saw on IMDB that a very few people see it as a misunderstood satire of great intellectual depth. These people are very stupid.

Also, Slasher.

Also, Zombie Nightmare and Space Mutiny. Saw those on Mystery science theater 3000, though.

CR

[Blodrast]

That's what I mean yeah :) The REALLY bad ones.

Here's another: Barb Wire.
This movie is just plain rubbish. Pamela Anderson's bad acting, and the bad story, etc., and her big boobs are in it only to show off and distract from the bad quality picture it actually is

You got it all wrong, the boobies ARE the movie - the *rest* is just filling, 'cause they couldn't just show a close-up of her boobies for 90 minutes... Uhm, actually...

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

-The ones with that typical actor -- forgot his name -- who always plays those romantic roles, always with wedding kind of stuff, and silly content: ARGH! I could shoot the bastard.

Hugh Grant? I feel your pain.

[Gregoshi]

The early 80s were a cesspool for D&D rip-off fantasy films: Sorceress (mentioned above), The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Warrior and the Sorceress (detect a pattern yet?), and Hawk the Slayer.

Thanks to the miracle of Youtube, here is the opening 3 minutes of Hawk the Slayer (it only feels like 6 minutes): Hawk Intro

If you can make it through the first 51 seconds of riveting dialog, you get to witness the outstanding audio and visual effects (I refrain from using "special"). If perchance you make it to about the 2:30 mark, you get to witness what $15.93 cents (in 1980 dollars) will get you for opening credits. The theme song, I have to admit, is a bit catchy in a cheesy, 70s, synthesizer way.

I dare any of you to claim that 90% of the films you've mentioned above even come close to this bad. Jack Palance and Morgan Shepperd starred in Hawk. It is truly amazing that they were ever cast in another film again.

[JimBob]

I dare any of you to claim that 90% of the films you've mentioned above even come close to this bad. Jack Palance and Morgan Shepperd starred in Hawk. It is truly amazing that they were ever cast in another film again.

Theirs? No. Mine? Mine make Hawk the Slayer look like Citizen Kane.

Komodo vs. Cobra

And I haven't even explained Demon Child or Frankenfish

As a side note, throughout KvC my friends and I counted no less than 240 shots from the pistol before it was reloaded. And a parrot squawks whenever someone swears so they could keep a pg13 rating.

[Gregoshi]

That was dreadful JimBob. I suspect they didn't want to reload the guns as that would force them to deal with the plot for a couple of seconds. KvC looked and smelled like a made-for-TV movie. That is exactly the kind of movie we should be seeing in this thread. (thumbs down is a good thing in this case)

[Csargo]

Some many can't even name them all.

[Fragony]

Edward Scissorhands.
if you liked it tell me why because i h8ed it.

I like it for the same reason I like all Tim Burton movies, the guy really knows how to create a sense of wonder.

And what is up with people not liking Lost in Translation??

[mightilyoats]

Dead or Alive. It is a completely shallow look alike of the Mortal Combat series (And I am guessing it is also based on a game).

Admittedly it features some pretty women in skimpy outfits, but it also features:
- Bad acting
- Bad fighting scenes
- A hastily slapped together story line...

It reminded me of shows like baywatch where the creators try to get away with casting a bunch of uber sexy people and not much else.

[sapi]

What's wrong with You Got Served?

Mental Institution's down the street, eddy.

Seriously, that has to qualify as the worst movie* that I have ever seen. No plot, no acting, no hope. Pathetic.

*I hesitiate to use the term 'movie' here, as You got Served honestly doesn't deserve it.

If you ever consider seeing it, or your friends do, or even your children - do all of you a favour, and reach for the 4b2

[doc_bean]

Starship troopers. I saw on IMDB that a very few people see it as a misunderstood satire of great intellectual depth. These people are very stupid.

No, we aren't, although I wouldn't call it 'intellectual' depth, which could mean it actually carried a message or was philosophical, it doesn't and it isn't. It IS dumb, but it knows it's dumb, without feeling the need to point out every minute just how dumb it is (which seems to be the only way American movie makers, and perhaps movie goers, can understand 'camp' humour).

It's 'news intermezzo's' were also scaringly predictive, if you take a look at FOX News....

[Bijo]

When I watched Barb Wire I didn't even know what the story was about exactly. It probably wasn't interesting enough to remember... she was a bounty hunter or something? I did have a good look at Pamela Anderson's body, though, her boobs, her outfit, etc. In fact, that was probably the thing I paid most attention to :)

And that Komodo vs. Cobra and Hawk the Slayer thing....... UGH. It was difficult watching the Hawk clip. It was so-- I mean... among the moments of the most difficult couple of minutes I ever had. Truly painful, and full of torture. How can man make such a worthless POS? How traumatic to witness *sniff.... wipes away a tear* ...really.




Here's some more rubbish films:
-Mortal Kombat series
Plain, plain garbage material. Though that Kitana woman looks good, but that's all. Oh: and of course it features a Bruce Lee ripoff, and the annoying arrogant Johnny Cage.
Pfff: the games were nice, but even THERE the stories are worthless too

-That movie about the computer industry involving Bill Gates and the other guy -- don't really recall that well. Silicon Valley or something? My teacher gave it to me on a CD, so when I got home I watched it.......... after a couple of minutes, even less, I turned it off, hid the CD somewhere deep where I couldn't find (and I still can't) and next day I complained to him how the **** he could've told me to watch this piece of crap. HORRIFIC.
Though now that I think of it, it might've been a documentary. Even if so, it was still a piece of crap.

-Scorpion King
What a POS film. Senseless useless spectacularity with bad acting, and a bad story.

-Street Fighter
Arrrgh!

-Any film that has Jean-Claude van Damme in it.

-Those movie series about a cop who infiltrates street riding gangs / people. I forgot the name, but it was just a show-off of fast cars, illegal racing, and people acting tough. Can somebody give me a cyanide pill already?!?

[doc_bean]

-Any film that has Jean-Claude van Damme in it.

Hardly anything worse than those.

@Gregoshi : Have you seen the more recent movie Dungeon and Dragons ? It is extremely crappy, it has all powerful dragon controlling magic wands that look like cheap toys and Jimmy Olson as a hero...

[Gregoshi]

doc, I saw both the theatrical Dungeons & Dragons as well as the more recent SciFi Channel "classic" Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God. While they were both crappy, each had one or two redeeming things about them that keep them off my "Worst movie" list. Each movie did a respectable job at representing magic in the D&D world and there were a few good special effects - like a dozen wizards casting a volley of fireballs in the first movie or that magic hammer (I want!) the cleric had in Dragon God. On the bad side, Justin Whalen's character, the hero of the first movie, was a high school stoner right out of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. At the end of every line Justin delivered I had to resist the urge to speak aloud "dude" to complete the sentence. Example from the opening scene of the movie:

Justin: It's like some twisted magic experiment gone hideously wrong...
Me: dude!

And I don't even want to think about the character Snails. One thing I have learned from all these crappy fantasy films is that, as cool as the profession may seem, I don't want to be a wizard. They never fair too well health-wise.

BTW, CR mentioned movies spoofed by MST3K. That almost deserves a thread of its own...Manos, Hands of Fate anyone?

[Crazed Rabbit]

Good gracious.... KvC - they don't have blanks or anything. They're just squeezing the trigger and add all effects later. Gah. And the 'Komodo' thing just stands there, getting shot, while the humans take their time getting into the barn. Gah.

I remember some pre-release hype about the D&D movie about how the villain would make people forget about Vader, or something. I doubt that happened.

CR

[Gregoshi]

I remember some pre-release hype about the D&D movie about how the villain would make people forget about Vader, or something.

They were partly right - people forgot about the D&D movie.

[Marshal Murat]

I like Reign of Fire just because it was post-apocyliptical, and pretty sci-fi cool.

Troy was just ugh, it was terrible. Ugh.

I didn't 'like' Napoleon Dynamite. It was stupidly funny, so I got some good laughs out of it, not that it was a serious movie. Quirky, desperate, sad movie.

I didn't like Enemy at the Gates. It was okay, battle scenes were epic and all, violence and such, but I ended up rooting for the German sharpshooter just so he could kill Vasili (Jude Law) because he was p*$$ing me off.
Alexander Please do not get me started.

[Alexander the Pretty Good]

Absolutely anything on Mystery Science Theater 3000 is awful, though they are all masterfully shredded by the MST3k guys.

Reign of Fire was awesome, because of the Star Wars reference thing. Beautiful. Everything else was pretty much stupid, but that one minute could make me look the other way.

Battlefield Earth is terrible.

[R'as al Ghul]

Signs with Mel Gibson.

[sapi]

No, we aren't, although I wouldn't call it 'intellectual' depth, which could mean it actually carried a message or was philosophical, it doesn't and it isn't. It IS dumb, but it knows it's dumb, without feeling the need to point out every minute just how dumb it is (which seems to be the only way American movie makers, and perhaps movie goers, can understand 'camp' humour).

It's 'news intermezzo's' were also scaringly predictive, if you take a look at FOX News....

I didn't mind Starship Troopers at all.

It's not an A grade movie, but it knows it, and it's fun.

Sometimes we don't need our movies to be meaningful

[Bijo]

@doc
Universal Soldier: no comment.






...arrrgh. What a movie

[InsaneApache]

Return from the River Kwai. Dreadful dialogue, acting, story.

[The_Mark]

Night of the Creeps, which is an excellent movie by the virtue of being bad and cheesy. Plus, it has the most brilliantly translated name in Finnish, perfectly suited for it: Lötköjen yö.

[Orb]

Apache with IIRC Burt Lancaster.
Such weak acting, and script.

[Faust|]

The movie of Shakespeare's "Titus", with Anthony Hopkins. Bleh, I had to stop watching a half hour into it. Horribly bad taste. Hopkins sounded like a Charlie Brown character doing Shakespeare... and that was not close to the worst part of the movie. Sapi mentioned that "Starship Troopers" is not an A grade movie and it knows it... see this movie for a great example of not knowing it.

"-Any film that has Jean-Claude van Damme in it."

I kind of like "Bloodsport" and "Kickboxer".