Should I become a parent?

[Andres]

I want to have children. I really do. And so does my wife.

The first child hasn't even been "made", and I'm already loving it. I'm even going to start writing a diary about my feelings for this unknown, yet to be born child, to share it one day with him/her once he/she gets old enough to have children of his/her own.

But now that we have decided she (my wife) will stop using "the pill" (contraceptive), I'm beginning to feel unsure.

Is this normal?

I mean, thinking about it, I do realise having children means we'll have to sacrifice alot. Our private lives are rather busy and we aren't home alot in our spare time. But all of this will have to stop once the first little fellow has arrived. Most of the time (and I consider 'time' as very precious) will have to go to the child. Our relationship, friends and family will stay very important, but it will inevitably become less important = less time for that, not to mention the earthly pleasures like travelling, going to a restaurant, partying, consuming huge amounts of beer, sporting (yep, beer and sports in one sentence)...

And off course, I knew all of that before, but now that we have decided to stop the contraceptives, it becomes more and more reality, it is becoming something that is actually going to happen, no longer dreaming, making jokes about it, no, it is going to be real, a fact.

And the fact that this is scaring me, starts to make me feel doubts and I wonder, will I be a good parent? Aren't I too selfish for parenthood? I think you can call it fear for an unknown reality. Maybe lack of self-concidence. Will I be good enough for the task? Am I able to sacrifice what has to be sacrificied in order to be a good parent? And thus, I come back to my inital question, mainly adressed to my fellow Orgah's who are parents themselves: are these feelings normal?

[Caius]

Well, Im not a parent, but I think its normal that the fact you are unsure.
Imagine, its something new to you(and your wife too).Sometimes you arent unsure under new situtations.Sometimes yes.

Its everything I can say.Im not a parent, and Im not going to have a child(I guess) for now.

[InsaneApache]

Not until you are both ready. Trust me.

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

I don't know much about this sort of thing, but it strikes me that having kids is, given the choice, an activity you should hold off on until you are absolutely, utterly, one hundred percent sure you want to do it.

[Samurai Waki]

Having a good freak out is normal. When I heard the news that I was going to be a Daddy, I wasn't bouncing all over the walls or going to the pub for an ale; I was quiet and reserved while I mulled over my thoughts again and again.
The difference between you and me, is that I wasn't capable of waiting or making that decision, I believe that now, ultimately I would've opted for being a being a parent, but perhaps I would've allowed ms. Waki and Me to have actually explored each others personal lives a bit better. But Contraceptives didn't really seem to have the desired affects, and so here we are, taking care of two girls, while we also build our own relationship.
I am very fortunate in the fact, that I won't have to live through the financial struggles, but on the other hand it does make life complicated in it's own unique ways. I'm finding out first hand what it means to be a parent, things that a guy probably shouldn't learn for the sake of our own mental health, that having a 9-5 job wouldn't grant me the time to learn.

Anyways, I'm so glad I have my daughters now, it gives my life a lot of purpose and that I realize that I still need to achieve a lot of things before I die. I'm learning that being there too much isn't good, but being there to little is worse, so as a Dad, you have to let mother do her things, and spend her own time with her off spring, while being tentatively aware that at the drop of a hat you need to be by her side to pick up the slack. Plus you need to hold down the night watch for the first month or two.

All the same, The process is long and arduous, and sometimes that little question mark will pop above your head, because you're just unsure of the reality. What if they're born with defects? and if they are will I still love them? questions of this nature, will constantly come to mind, and I can't answer them for you. You just have to draw a line, dig in your heels, and await the coming storm. And whatever the case may be, your children will be fortunate in that they'll be coming from a stable household, with two parents that have actually taken the time to sit down and think this through. It's a better situation for you and them all together, one I envy you for.
Also theres time to be a man, and other times you need to swallow your pride and cow-tow to reality. You're here for one reason man, and one reason only, to spread the advancement of the human race, whatever earthly pleasures you hold dear, you need to make time for them, for your own sake, but you also need to make more time for her and your children, and you should know when the goods times to take care of yourself are, and the times you need to take care of the important matters at hand.

This is really all I can think of on the subjects. Just be yourself, and be responsible.

[KukriKhan]

"...will I be a good parent?..."

The very fact that you wonder this and ask it = yes, you will be a good parent.

It doesn't make any sense now, but you'll understand within the first days after birth, that: you already know, instinctively, everything you need to know to be a good parent.

As 'Father', you have 3 missions:

1) Protect the family
2) Provide for the Family
3) Be Mom's Primary Backup

oh, and 1 side-mission:

4) Don't go crazy with worry. I don't mean "don't worry", that's impossible. I mean: don't let worry own you, it can be paralyzing if you do. Remind yourself that millions of guys have been doing this for millions of years, mostly successfully.

4.1) If you don't laugh much now, learn how. Kids are a crack-up, once you get used to them being around.

[Beirut]

As 'Father', you have 3 missions:

1) Protect the family
2) Provide for the Family
3) Be Mom's Primary Backup

oh, and 1 side-mission:

4) Don't go crazy with worry. I don't mean "don't worry", that's impossible. I mean: don't let worry own you, it can be paralyzing if you do. Remind yourself that millions of guys have been doing this for millions of years, mostly successfully.

4.1) If you don't laugh much now, learn how. Kids are a crack-up, once you get used to them being around.

What he said. Words of wisdom.

A primary, uber, and unending aspect of being a father is patience. (I had to grow mine.) Your patience will be tested in ways you cannot even imagine.

You'll do fine.

[Vladimir]

Yes and no worries, just sound like a normal man .

No beer pie for the children!!!

[Tamur]

Well said Kukri, apparently you have some experience with this!

I'd also add that learning to sacrifice for your family is a process. It's unlikely you'll be perfect at it from the start, but with some work you can become so good at it that, eventually, none of your kids or your wife even give a second thought to what you need. Not kidding, but by the time that happens, it really doesn't matter because it's much more fun laughing with (and sometimes at) the funny things kids do. 4.1 is a true principle.

[The Stranger]

would u ever have kids i trust you to do an exellent job... i hope they will be a bit like me :P otherwise you'd raise m to be like me, wouldnt u?

[Andres]

Not until you are both ready. Trust me.

Well, I'm pretty sure we are both ready for this. But thinking about the reality, imagining that it's really going to happen, well, I think Wakizashi was right, I am freaking out sometimes now.

Having a good freak out is normal.

Phew, so freaking out is normal...

When I heard the news that I was going to be a Daddy, I wasn't bouncing all over the walls or going to the pub for an ale; I was quiet and reserved while I mulled over my thoughts again and again.

Compared to you, I am in a luxury position. I can have tons of freak out-moments before it happens and when the big "honey, I think I'm pregnant"-day arrives, I hopefully am done freaking out and start bouncing all over the walls of pure hapiness (allthough going to the pub to get wasted is more likely going to happen )

And Caius is right, the unknown part is what's causing me to freak out sometimes. Probably because I sometimes tend to be a control freak...

The very fact that you wonder this and ask it = yes, you will be a good parent.

It doesn't make any sense now, but you'll understand within the first days after birth, that: you already know, instinctively, everything you need to know to be a good parent.

As 'Father', you have 3 missions:

1) Protect the family
2) Provide for the Family
3) Be Mom's Primary Backup

oh, and 1 side-mission:

4) Don't go crazy with worry. I don't mean "don't worry", that's impossible. I mean: don't let worry own you, it can be paralyzing if you do. Remind yourself that millions of guys have been doing this for millions of years, mostly successfully.

4.1) If you don't laugh much now, learn how. Kids are a crack-up, once you get used to them being around

Kukri, I was hoping you would post in this thread. Thx for your wise words.

I remember at uni, a professor once said: "The world would be a much better place if everybody started his day by staring at himself in the mirror. And than starting to laugh hysterically for at least 10 minutes." I do this occasionally, which results in my wife staring at me So, I guess side-mission number 4.1) will become my favourite

Your patience will be tested in ways you cannot even imagine.

Oh boy... Patience? Me? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... You don't know what you're asking. I'll have to work on that A LOT...

Yes and no worries, just sound like a normal man

Thank God...

otherwise you'd raise m to be like me, wouldnt u?

Raise my children to be like TS...?



Thnx for all the replies guys Much appreciated

[Hosakawa Tito]

Andres, your concerns are an indication that you are good father material already. I would add to what's been stated so far:

1. Set the example. From young impressionable toddlers to teenagers finding their own identities; your children will immitate how you deal with all of lifes challenges. Don't give the observent little scamps the excuse for bad behavior that "Dad does it", believe me they don't miss a thing.

2. Bind them to you with unconditional love. Always be available for your wife and children, nothing is more important. If they have a problem that requires immediate attention, you have a problem that requires immediate attention. The greatest gift you can give your family is your time and undivided attention.

3. Consider can't a four-letter word, and teach that to your children. Great things can be achieved if one can focus. Focus breeds success.

[Csargo]

I'm sure you'll make a great father just need a lot of patience, and of course they have to learn to play mafia like their father

[Don Corleone]

Wow, such terrific advice all the way around. I don't know that you will ever be 100% sure on parenthood, but if you still have the choice available to you, I would recommend you take the time to build a life-long relationship with your wife, NOW. Remember, once the kids start coming, they become your top-priority and 'couple time' will be rather limited.

I knew I wanted kids before my wife did. When she agreed she was ready, and mind you, I had been asking for over a year at that point, I was excited yes, but also nervous. When I came home from a business trip to China and my wife presented me with 3 successive positive tests, I have to admit beyond the excitement and happiness, I was truly scared. If you're not worried about the responsibility you face, you don't understand the responsibility you face. Your children will be your magnum opus, and whether you're aware of it or not, the most important thing you will ever do. Think on it for a second, you are molding and shaping another human being! Incredible! Terrifying!

All that being said, nothing can prepare you for the magic moment when your child arrives. I have never felt anything close to the intensity of the emotion I felt when I held Jillian for the first time. It's indescribable.

Take your time, enjoy the time your wife and you have, and when you're ready, make a plan. Don't fall for that stupid "well, I don't want to be 52 when..." crap. Our life expectancy has creeped up over the generations. Why not stretch out each period, instead of having a long pause at the end?

[Beirut]

Oh boy... Patience? Me? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... You don't know what you're asking. I'll have to work on that A LOT...

Hee-hee. Just wait. Wait until you're late for work, your woman is in the car screaming mad honking at you to hurry up, you've already had a rotten morning and your kid will not, regardless of any threat you can make, get up off the floor and stop crying until she has her red mittens, not the pink ones she hates that are on the floor beside her.

And if you think I'm just making this up...

[Don Corleone]

Yes, true Beirut, but that being said, don't worry about finding the patience so much. Yes, it takes an effort on your part, but it's not like being patient with the jerk that cuts in line at the store. You're going to find that you have a lot more patience and inner strength than you ever realized. And the red mittens are in the refrigerator, where she left them, Beirut.

[Fragony]

Go for it!!!!!!!!!! There are worse things to do, common you are young, married, start breeding!

ps, if it's a girl, the name 'Veerle' is taken.

[Bijo]

As I said in another thread "Pff, who wants kids nowadays? :P"

But it can be fun, I bet, depending on your position.... Recently I had a little nephew, very nice, but I wouldn't like to be a father I tell you. I say: you wanna have kids, then go do it; if you don't want to, then don't. Everything has a flow to it, and you'll see how things end up.

This coming from a thinker, etc., not a parent. In any case, whatever the choice will be, good luck on it. I can already see less free time and lots more responsibility when one has a kid.

[English assassin]

And thus, I come back to my inital question, mainly adressed to my fellow Orgah's who are parents themselves: are these feelings normal?

As said above, yes.

it strikes me that having kids is, given the choice, an activity you should hold off on until you are absolutely, utterly, one hundred percent sure you want to do it.

You never will be.

Having kids can never be an entirely rational decision. You simply cannot imagine, in a kidless state, what having a kid to llok after will feel like.

Speaking personally, it feels great. But that's just some guy on the internet talking. FWIW I agree with the posters above that by worrying about these things you've shortened the odds on it all being fine for you when the time comes.

Of course, right now, you are worried about having kids. Once you have a kid, and love it, the worry is replaced by worry about them getting a good schooling/learning to stand up for themselves without being a bully/101 other things. I confidently expect my last thought on earth will be worrying about how my then 40 something year old former major in the Royal Marines son will possible manage without his frail old 85 year old dad to look after him...

Still, it beats worrying about yourself.

[Lemur]

There isn't much to add to the excellent advice already posted in this thread! Just allow me to throw in another voice for "you'll love it." And it's perfectly normal to freak out a few hundred times before the child is born.

My personal freak-out was birth defects. I would think about everything horrible that can go wrong with an embryo, consider the heroic parents who took care of terminally ill babies, and fervently pray to the Lord to not test me like that. I was unable to relax until both of my little lemurs were out of the womb, and I was able to check that they were whole.

Oh, and the patience theme and the role-model theme are connected. If you respond to stress by screaming, your children will learn to do likewise. It's important to remember this when they're being difficult.

[Andres]

ps, if it's a girl, the name 'Veerle' is taken.

If it's a girl, it'll probably be "Inne".

But the wife isn't pregnant yet. There's still some work to do first

And indeed, this thread is full of excellent and invaluable advice and I must say, it is encouraging and very helpfull . I start feeling "normal" again

But I'm afraid this "freaking out" will last forever from now on... I guess it won't stop when the child is there. And if it's a girl, how will any boyfriend ever be good enough for her

You guys are right: a normal human being should be worried, should be scared and even be freaking out quite a few times when thinking about the fact he'll be a parent. I would be a moron and a complete irresponsable fool if I wasn't freaking out on a regular basis when thinking about this parenthood thing.

As for the neccessary virtue patience, when I look back at myself, how I was as a kid, well, I guess going through Beiruts' described "red mittens"-exercise three times a day is no more than I would deserve ...

My poor parents. Maybe that's why they want us to have children asap, to see us suffering like I made them suffer

[Don Corleone]

Shhh...... do not mention the curse. If you mention the curse, the blissfully childless will never agree to reproduce.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The curse of course being that fateful day when your parents said to you "I hope you have some children one day that act just like you."

[Seamus Fermanagh]

No one is ever really ready for their first child -- it's hard enough to be so with the repeats when you know what you're getting yourself into.

Getting the freak-out phase completed now is a good idea. When your wife tells you the rabbit died, you can focus on your joy...because she'll be freaking out a bit and worried that you don't approve whole-heartedly (no it's not rational, you've discussed this a gajillion times, but whoever said rationality has a thing to do with it).

Your child will vex you, stress you, worry you, steal your time from you -- and give both of you a sense of completeness that is impossible to describe.

Vent here, not on her. Share the joys and challenges with her of course, but she'll be venting on you (hormones) and it will be your job to help her.

Good luck with things.

[Lemur]

Share the joys and challenges with her of course, but she'll be venting on you (hormones) and it will be your job to help her.

Oh, yeah, I forgot all about the hormones. Just remember that the first trimester is the worst of it. As Seamus says, your job during the pregnancy is to fetch, carry, and stand still while she punches you.

Worth it, though, 'cause you end up with something like this:

[ShadeHonestus]

With all the great advice already given in the question of whether to or not to become a parent I will offer you the best advice a parent can give you for when you actually become a parent.

Two words...Diaper Genie.

[Fragony]

If it's a girl, it'll probably be "Inne".

Owwwwwwwwww I like. Should be spawning a few myselve but I am currently a bit low on significant others