When you must fight

**Caius** · 05-25-2007, 03:43

The day is colder. This was a very strange day, since something unexpected happened.
It happened.
I'm Antigonos.I live in Sparta, and things werent going on as good as we expected.
Why?What did we do? everyone asked.The answer was simple.The Romans, people who wants lands, lands and more lands. They are fighting.And we knew someday, the city of Sparta was going to be Roman.
That day, I walked faster. Then, a strange sound was heard.
ONAGERS!!WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! everyone started to run, hiding in the nearest places. But I run like a coward who didnt wanted to fight again.
Then I stopped.I froze.I saw he.He was...yes, in fact he is!
He was Aristarchus of Sparta, the Greek leader.Son of Isidoros the Lucky, he learned how to fight against Romans.He was 'the Roman Nightmare'.
Yes, little boy.We know whats going on.Please calm down, go home and dont return to this place unless we tell you, understand?
I run to my home.That day I knew what was the fear.I can felt it.
When I went home, lots of 'green soldiers' were marching.

I had an idea. I left home.I never came back.

OOC:I had this idea seconds ago.Please tell me if sucks big time or big big time

**Franconicus** · 05-25-2007, 07:20

What is your desired Comment & Critique level, please?

**Caius** · 05-25-2007, 19:55

Originally Posted by Franconicus

What is your desired Comment & Critique level, please?

CC Level 5: Mercilessly point out every little niggling problem with the writing.

**Julian the apostate** · 05-25-2007, 22:48

its rather stream of conciousness, which is intresting with the first person considering that it starts up without much of an introduction. As a teaser it works well but structurally there just isn't much or enough words to really give us much information

**Franconicus** · 05-30-2007, 07:19

Originally Posted by Caius Flaminius

CC Level 5: Mercilessly point out every little niggling problem with the writing.

At your service:

First of all, the style is really inventive. Many others stories here remind me of things I red before. Not so yours. This "brain storming" style is bracing, but hard to follow.

For a story of this size there are quite a lot mistakes in grammar. I assume that you want to show that the Spartanian is not a native English. That surely works, but makes it even more difficult to follow - at least for me, as I am not native English, too.

The setup - and there should be a setup even, or especially, for that storming style - is not successful. Within a couple of sentences you write that an attack of the Romans was expected, then it came unexpected, then they used onagers (hardly useful for a coup de surprise).

By the way, why did the Romans use Onagers? Sparta hadn't had any city walls.

What is that issue with that Greek general? He popped up, and then nothing happened. Although the end is surprising, it is not that unexpected thing that gives the story a complete new direction.

I think what works quite well is the describtion of fear and confusion.

Then I stopped.I froze. I saw he.

However, I think you could have done this even better if you would have taken more time and space to desribe the feelings and impressions.

Please note:
1) I have no clue of what I am talking about. My English is poor and I have failed in any contests so far.
2) Therefore I decided to be a bloodthirsty critic.

3) Hope it did not go beyond cc5. Hopefully it helped you!

**Caius** · 05-31-2007, 03:10

By the way, why did the Romans use Onagers? Sparta hadn't had any city walls

Oh ****!

Hope it did not go beyond cc5. Hopefully it helped you!

It helps me a lot.

Now:What should I do?
Rewrite it again?

**Franconicus** · 05-31-2007, 06:36

Yes, why not!

**Warmaster Horus** · 05-31-2007, 17:14

Sure, rewrite.

For a story of this size there are quite a lot mistakes in grammar.

Yep, and the main one I find is that you can't see immediately whether the sentence is spoken or thought.

Example:

He was Aristarchus of Sparta, the Greek leader.Son of Isidoros the Lucky, he learned how to fight against Romans.He was 'the Roman Nightmare'.
Yes, little boy.We know whats going on.Please calm down, go home and dont return to this place unless we tell you, understand?

If I understood correctly, the italic part is a dialogue and the first part isn't. But here, nothing shows it.
Sorry if this insults you.

**Caius** · 05-31-2007, 21:04

Sorry if this insults you.

Warmaster, dont worry.

**Ludens** · 06-02-2007, 10:23

Just for the record: by the second century B.C. (i.e. when the Romans became involved in this area), Sparta did have walls. Unfortunatly, onagers wouldn't be developed until past 1 A.D., when Greece was firmly under Roman control.

**Franconicus** · 06-04-2007, 12:06

Originally Posted by Ludens

Just for the record: by the second century B.C. (i.e. when the Romans became involved in this area), Sparta did have walls. Unfortunatly, onagers wouldn't be developed until past 1 A.D., when Greece was firmly under Roman control.

Haven't known that! Thank you!