MTW2 Guide, tongue in cheek

[John_Longarrow]

Pike Unit - A very large hedgehog that slaughters horses on sight, but only if its not moving. Against anything else it needs a solid defender, such as archers or pesants or small rabid children to keep it safe.

The Papacy - An odd old man in a large pointy hat who keeps telling you to be nice, even if you are being nice. Unless you are trying to play with diplomacy (see above), you are best off by ignoring anything he says so you can con him into giving you free experience for your troops by calling a crusade on you. If you want free experience, do not pay the pope. If you do, he is less likely to call a crusade against you. Instead you must drink large quantities of ale and then proceed to relieve yourself upon his breakfast.

Alliance - This is a request for the AI to send random ships to blockade your ports. This will be done as soon as the AI removes any military forces from your region. So long as the AI has large, powerful armies on your borders you are safe. As soon as the AI has to deal with another faction and really needs troops to fight on another front it will attack you.,

[Whacker]

Accents: For once, the French don't have the worst accents in the game!

Peasants: When you absolutely, positive, have to kill EVERY town militia in the city! Accept no substitutes!

Advice: You have pressed theYour cavalry are about to be attCharging spears with yourYou have pressedOur men are under atOnly half the enemy force remIt is unwise to praise the day bef....

Rocket Powered Elephants: Giving the EB/MA hardcore types conniption fits since 2004!

[Kobal2fr]

Advice: You have pressed theYour cavalry are about to be attCharging spears with yourYou have pressedOur men are under atOnly half the enemy force remIt is unwise to praise the day bef....

Gah ! How could I forget that one :

- Advisor :
"Selecting a unit : to select one of your units, let your right hand rest gently on the little device with the ball inside that is connected to your computer. This is known as the "mouse". Now using your right index finger, sharply increase pressure on the plastic rectangle that should lie on top of said mouse, to the left. Do it once, then let go. The pressure pad is called a "button", and applying pressure on it then releasing the pressure is known as "clicking".

"Selecting an agent : to select one of your agents, let your right hand..."

[supadodo]

Now a Faction Guide!!

Please don't take offense if it might sound racist to you. I mean this as a joke.

Catholics

England: England is a country based on the popular country Britain. Their units consist of Robin Hood's personal entourage and gruff fat men that have trouble fitting into their armor.

France: A cheese and escargot loving nation south of England. They love the word "imbecille'"and have a knack for betrayals. Their units consist of skinny men with the twirly thin mustaches and striped tight shirts .

Spain: Spain is a country in Spain with a love for bull fights and provoking said animal to chase them down the streets. They like to ignore their neighbors and go make war with you even if you are halfway across the map.

HRE: Germans that use words like "Yagh?", "For ze Reich" and whatever mangled english they can mangle somemore. They get beaten up by everyone because everyone hates the Nazis. They have Panzerkampfwagen which pwn all

Portugal: A Spain colored in white n blue instead of yellow-red. They prefer to do fishing instead of fighting bulls. Ditto on units.

Poland: The country that created pole-dancing. They love to beat up HRE because they hate Nazis. They use their nobles to hurl javelins at Panzers - to great success.

Scotland: The birthplace of Ronald McDonald and any food with Mc in it. They love talking about fighting but rarely do it because they wear kilts and are made fun by other factions. They also love pikes but only because it prevents enemies from going near them and lifting up the kilts.(Also a reason why they don't like riding horses)

Milan: Possibly the birthplace of pizza. Milanese like to use crossbow because they suck with archery,sword fighting,and horse riding. So they spam the same unit over and over again. They hate France because the french like blue cheese while the Milanese prefers Mozzarella.

Venice: The faction with the "City that Never Sinks" Despite being featured in documentaries,movies, whatever... There are no canals whatsoever in Venice and also no Italian rower on a boat that sings cheesy love songs to a kissing couple under the moonlight. They hate Milan because they stole the idea for the pizza.

Sicily: A pointless faction taking up useless space south of Italy. Their capital has a name that sounds like nipples. They seldom do anything except blockade a port once in a while. Their units are uninspiring...

Hungary: A faction that craves for food 24/7. They are also hungry for land and most of the time, they eat up the Byz and Poles. Their units are..really, really fat men.

Tune in next time for Orthodox and Islamic factions.

[CMcMahon]

Scotland: The birthplace of Ronald McDonald and any food with Mc in it.

Mc is Irish. Mac is Scottish.

*gets hyphy, gets stupid*

[Monsieur Alphonse]

Warning warning for newbies. If you read these post you might think that they don't love this game. That is not the fact. M2 is the most historical accurate war game. The only thing is that all these posters have had bad history teachers at school. The whole idea of knights in shining armor riding on white horses is invented history. The true knights were trebuchets roaming the countryside armed with Mark V fire and forget general seeking missiles. So girls if you want some real romance look for a guy with a trebuchet.

[phonicsmonkey]

Trebuchet: large medieval hand-to-hand weapon often employed in suicidal and / or amphibious charges. Apparently intended for use as an early medieval bulldozer. Effectiveness limited by ability of enemy to sidestep out of the way.

AI-controlled Reinforcements: experts in the little-known but widely used medieval battle tactics of 1) sitting around on a nearby hilltop watching your allies fight off the mongol horde, deaf to their screamed requests for assistance; 2) charging head-on into the mongol horde at the least opportune time, mass-routing and being cut down in immense numbers by the gleeful enemy while their ally looks on from a nearby hilltop, deaf to their screamed requests for assistance

[The Teacher]

excellent - admin please sticky!

Monguls - One day one of the developers was dumped by his girlfriend, so whilst the rest of the department was having lunch he put them in. They are created in the image of his then ex girlfriend. Evil, amoral, unstopable but fun to play against ....

[supadodo]

New translation for papalcy

Old white guy who can change his name to an Italian one when elected. This fat fool sits in Rome and pops out once in a while to massacre rebel scums and then pops back to Rome for a can of Coke.

Because he has only one land at the start, he is grumpy and gets jealous at your bulging empire and his only way to get at you is excommunication. But once you give him one land, he goes berserk and starts hitting every faction he thinks he can take and sometimes he dies in the process.

Mongol/Timurid

Really ugly faced men which pop out of the black eastern side of the map and wander around for decades until they decide to hit a town and then get spooked and flee the next turn because some pee wee militia has a spear which can poke their horses.

Aztec

Men in animal pajamas armed with wood that can somehow pierce plate armor. They decide to go Muslim when they upgrade to a large city but don't seem to recognize Allah.

[Whacker]

Multiplayer: Redefining and pushing the boundaries of lag! It's like a multiplayer slide-show that everyone can enjoy! The key to winning is 'leading', a technique mastered in the early days of first person shooters. Just remember to 'lead' your units by about 5 minutes so they will be where you want them to be on time.