MTW2 Guide, tongue in cheek

[trickydicky]

In the spirit of supadodo's "Faction Guide", I offer the European ideals of heaven and hell:

European Heaven

The English are the police.

The Germans are the mechanics.

The French are the chefs.

The Italians are the lovers.

The Swiss run everything.


European Hell

The English are the chefs.

The Germans are the police.

The French are the mechanics.

The Swiss are the lovers.

The Italians run everything.

That was brilliant.

[Shahed]

..... L OOOOO OOOOOOO L !!!!

[Sheogorath]

AI - The MTW2 AI was actually programmed in 1496 my one Niccolo Machiavelli on a particularly bad day. While initially brilliant, it was designed for use on the 'Cathedral' OS, which is not compatable with most modern systems. The rest was a total re-write of the code using only Machiavelli's basic idea that all leaders should be total bastards about everything. This includes the notion that EVERY faction will fight until the death, even if, while besieging their last city with its valient defenders (IE: Two units of spear militia) said AI leaders will refuse to accept terms such as returning all their previously held land, giving them a bajillion florins, and trade rights.
The AI also reflects the fine tradition of 'never saving money, ever, no matter what.' whereby if the sum-total of its funds exceedes 1,000 florins it will take every possible measure to reduce it to a more acceptable level via funding redistrubution.

Cities: ALL structures within medieval cities were constructed within the city walls. Nobody ever built anything outside of said walls, because they were mortally afraid of bears. Any history books telling you that something like %75 of the population was rural until some time after this games timeframe is a dastardly lie by revisionist history nutcases who would also have you believe that people never mounted cannons on elephants and that most rebels didnt have access to highly trained and well equipped knights.

Woodsmen: 'Woods' is actually a corruption of an ancient Norse term for 'Super', these are the ultimate unit. Build nothing but woodsmen because they will chew up anything that can be sent against them until the invention of the horse.

Timurids: Invented the Upgraded Elephant, which is capable of mounting and firing the aformentioned cannons without instantly snapping its spine. Possibly related to the Mongols, only more Muslim. Fond of black.

Arrows: Medieval arrows were not tipped with metal. In fact, they had soft rubber heads in order to prevent any serious injury on the battlefield. Sometimes as a joke archers would set light to their ordinance, often with tragic results. During the period this game is set in it was traditional to go into battle coated in highly flammable oil, and so any man who did not quickly beat out the fires would be tragically burned to death in a matter of seconds.

The Pope: He hates you. Get over it.

Inquisitors: Often unexpected. Inquisitors were recruited from the local prison, usually arsonists and pyrophiles. They were fond of bursting into the rooms of faction leaders, princes and generals and setting them on fire. Only rarely would they actually pursue heretics and witches when given the choice between a king and their supposed 'job'.

Muslims: Fond of shouting 'DURKA DURKA DURKA,' and similar phrases. They have funny accents and are hated by all the other factions. One particular faction, Egypt, was historically fond of sending ships across the Medditerranian to blockade English ports for a single turn before sailing aimlessly around the North Sea until being sunk by pirates.

Neptune: God of the Sea. Likes pirates. If any faction attacks or is attacked by pirates a massive sea beast known as the 'Kraken' is instantly teleported to the battle from the Pirates of the Carribbean movie to assist the pirates in defeating your ships. This is why pirates rock.

Pirates: Musket-and-cutlass wielding men who talk funny and have parrots. The ancient foes of ninjas, the two would often engage in massive battles. Pirates occasionaly allied with cowboys to defeat their mutual foe. However, the tide of the battle turned with the development of the giant robot by Japanese scientists.
The only reason giant robots are not included in this game is that they are in Japan, which is an island which never had any contact with anybody until the 1850's.

Knights: Despite what you might have heard about the protective properties of plate iron, knights are quite vulerable to men armed with farm impliments and no training at all. In fact, quite often, knights would suffer as high as %80 casualties when attacking farmer levies from the back.

Sex: This didnt happen in medieval times. The only way to get new family members was to adopt. Nobles caught having sex were burned at the stake.

Age: In no way affects performance on the battlefield. Should one of your generals reach the age of 80 or so, he will be just as effective as a 20 year old in a fight. Once in battle his arthritis and drinking problems will instantly vanish in a blaze of glory as he smashes his way through everything (except peasants and cannoniphants)

Artillery: Was pretty much useless against anything that could move, and most things that couldnt. The term 'aim' was not, in fact, invented until the late 1700's. You can only hope that a strong breeze will come up and blow your ordinance into line with whatever target you have.

Orders: Are there to be disobeyed. When issueing movement orders to your troops you can be confident that they will either A) Move in the opposite direction, B) Split up, with one half moving in one direction and the other standing still or marching sideways, or C) Wait a minute or so, and then move.

Charge: Traditionally in medieval combat, only the first ten attackers would engage the enemy defensive lines. Typically the others would hang around to the back and gradually be slaughtered by rubber-tipped arrows.

Medieval Firearms: Were effective at up to 2,000 yards, and almost all medieval gunners were trained snipers, capable of hitting a small vegetable of your choice ona fence post at up to a mile away. Despite what you may have heard medieval troops were not at all suprised or afraid of gunpowder.

Aztecs: The only civilization in America. In fact, America didnt even exist outside of Mexico until 1776, and then only the East Coast. Armed with magical armour piercing rocks.

Russians: Backwards people who were poor and underdeveloped. Any rumours you might have heard that Kiev and Novogorod were significantly more advanced than just about any European city and quite wealthy are lies. Will usually be wiped out in a few turns by the Mongols once they arrive, so dont bother making alliances with them or anything.

[Tambarskjelve]

Sheogorath, that was nothing short of brilliant.

Now I have to wipe tea of my screen and keyboard.

[locked_thread]

edit

[phunkbot]

oh great now i've been called in the little video confrence room to explain my prolongued outbursts of uncontrollable laughter, convincing my manager i am not getting high on the job is getting harder by the hour...

got a couple for you:

"Chasing routers" Widely practiced medieval era dance, involves various highly choreographed maneovers by a 30-strong cavalry unit around (well all over the place, but in the general vicinity of) 3-4 guys with pointy sticks. Extensive training is required on the part of the cavalry unit to ensure the safety of the guys with pointed sticks involved.

"Merchant takeovers" Widely practiced medieval era game, somewhat similar to russian roulette in that its totally unpredictable, unless of course one participant is a 50 year old guy making more money than all the muslim nations on the board put toghether and the second participant is a one-eyed monkey in possession of 1/2 florin, a flimsy stick and a rotten banana peel. Flimsy sticks and rotten banana peels are the bane of trade tycoons the world over.

[Incongruous]

RTS: The label of RTS (Real Time Strategy) was infact a printing mistake by CA. As was the label of Game. M2tw is not a game, it is a cruel joke.

[Sheogorath]

Reputation:
In no way reflects your actions over the course of the game. Rather, this is randomly calculated every turn based on random actions by the AI. Say, for instance, a swallow landed on your kings favorite apple tree. This will have a significant negative impact on your reputation, for obvious reasons.
Once youre reputation is low enough, everybody will hate you and promptly set about trying to exterminate you. GG idiot lol.