MTW2 Guide, tongue in cheek

**Kobal2fr** · 06-06-2007, 04:30

Originally Posted by supadodo

Imams: Muslim versions of priests. They like to call you INFIIIIIIDEEEEEEL.

Fixed that for ya

**phonicsmonkey** · 06-06-2007, 04:34

Sultans: People who wish you dead (Jallah!)

**Kobal2fr** · 06-06-2007, 05:10

Another take on a few factions :

France : The French have been, since times immemorial, the butt of every joke in the world. When a general doesn't find anything comforting to say to his soon-to-be-dead men, knocking the girly French will always get a cheer. Charles the XIVXth's idea of decking his pikemen in FEARSOME little feathered berets somehow didn't help.

Milan : When Milan was 8, Venice broke his Tonka Truck. Then his funny uncle HRE molested him during a sauerkraut-induced euphoric binge. This turned Milan into a broken, drug using, angsty teenage faction prone to lashing out and attacking just about everyone in a 2000 miles radius with ubercrossbowmen. While everyone talks about the Milanese as wealthy bankers, Milan is always broke. See : drug use.

Denmark : obviously vikings with axes and horned helmets. Which is why they dislike sensible weapons like, say, spears. Or knights. In fact, the Norse words for spear and bow (Stykkilimishiii and Okapekiiisholmi) mean "that-not-axe-crap" and "the-crap-that-is-not-an-axe-either", respectively. The Danes say "AAAARH !" a lot. In the 15th century they realized that the viking schtik was tiring everyone and went through a painfull identity crisis that led them to devellop such brilliant weapons as the sword-staff (Norse Peÿkillimilli : "so-not-a-spear"), swordsmen and sword-chucks. Then they turned emo.

Hungary : should by all rights get the same fop/catamite jokes the French do, because they're pink. Don't because they formed an elite corps of ninjas trained from birth to slit the throat of every man who utters the words "so hey, get this : Hungarians are pi...AAAAAARGH".

HRE : vastly powerful empire that will always get ganged upon because they said "MEIN KAAAAISER !" one time too many.

Russia : poor dirt farmers with huge poor tracts of land. Little known agrarian fact : more land means less crops. Don't argue with me. Other known fact : the whole of Russia comprised a total of 6 cities, because of communism-driven centralism.
For some reason, russian road networks cost exactly the same amount of money as, say, Rhodes ones, despite the fact that said roads cover half the friggin' map. That because communism exploits man and turns him into a rank, non-money-driven slave. Also, are the only faction to have different units with different looks but the exact same stats. That's because communism turns man into a mindless, soulless mass-produced automaton. So, you know, Russians are bad, m'kay ? Also, they have knives between their teeth, for unknown (but menacingly nefarious) reasons.

England : vastly overpowered faction needing the made-up "poor diversity of cavalry" line to make believe they have a weakness. Needless to say, said cavalry is the best in the game. Have the best archers in the game. Have more foot swords than everyone else. Have the best and most secure starting position of all factions. But, you know, in a fair way.

**crpcarrot** · 06-06-2007, 09:47

lol man this thread is great

**sapi** · 06-06-2007, 09:58

A friendly warning for you all (not that you need one at this point) - this thread stays open at my pleasure

Keep it nice and clean

**Sheogorath** · 06-06-2007, 17:22

Thanks all :)

Catamite: Because all medieval assassins hauled around young male prostitutes. Seriously. ALL your assassins will have these. This may lead to speculation about the programming staff of the game, but its best that you just dont think of that.

Cannon: An instrument for the rectification of borders into a more affable state to the nation with more of them.

Sword: A sharpened length of steel employed in the re-negotiation of property between the Bronze age and (roughly) WWII. For some reason it is not effective against men armed with axes or other heavy weapons.

Spear: A length of wood with a head composed of a mysterious substance which is capable of changing shape and consistency. While standing still, the spearhead is composed of a material which is sharper than obsidian and harder than diamonds (the hardest metal known to man). While moving, the spearhead is composed of something with the consitency of porridge, forcing the erstwhile spearmen to attempt to bludgeon his enemy to death with the length of wood.

Pike: Similar to spears, but longer and wielded by men intelligent enough to know that attempting to beat your opponent with a twelve foot long bit of wood is not a good idea. Instead medieval pikemen will, on contact with any enemy whatsoever, instantly switch to swords. The reason for carrying pikes into battle is not known, but presumably had some sort of religious connotation.

Jerusalem: The City of Whiney Emo Whores. Everybody in Jerusalem hates you, no matter who you are. If youre Egyptian, Turkish, Moorish, Byzantine, Russian, Hungarian or any other person, they will hate you and rebel after a few turns under your rule, no matter how many nice things you build for them.
The best solution to this is to sell or give the city to the Pope, wait for it to rebel, then kill everybody in the city for rebelling against the Pope.
Acre has nicer weather anyway.

Northern Italy: Also known as the 'Traffic Jam of Europe' this is where EVERYBODY sends their diplomats, spies, merchants and so forth, despite the fact that there really isnt that much there to spy on or assassinate or sell. And in any case the merchants rarely attempt to exploit what there IS to sell, opting rather to try to buy each other out, despite none of them having any money anyway.

Medieval Assassins: Incompetents not capable of killing a blind, three-legged dog with arthritis and a broken spine. In fact, most likely said dog would be miraculously cured by their efforts to kill it. This cannot be said of assassins of certain nations (IE: All of them except yours), who are professionally trained killers quite capable of sneaking into your royal palace and offing your faction leader.