MTW2 Guide, tongue in cheek

[phonicsmonkey]

Walls: Impressive structures built to surround the tiny cities which apparently housed and supported over 30k persons each. To be stationed on the walls in defence of the city was the highest honour which could be bestowed on a medieval soldier, even greater than that of defending the small flag-lined square which was the centre of every city. Accordingly, troops allowed to stand atop the walls would stroll up and down with a jaunty, self-confident air, convinced of their indomitable bravery and spirit. "Well men, the gates may be broken and the enemy swarming over the city, but we who are atop the WALLS will never surrender!"

[supadodo]

Special Formations Guide

Schitrom: Spearmen go gay and start getting very close to each other. They stick out their spears in a circle to prevent enemy homos from joining the fun.

Circle-shoot: Horseys with bows and arrows play ring-a-round of roses while shooting. Quite surprisingly, they can do this without even steering the horse(or looking in front for that matter). Sometimes, horseys refuse to play the game because its for girls.

Spearwall: Pikemen and Halberdiers form a line of pokey things thinking that nothing can get pass them. Unfortunately some idiots prefer to use their swords instead of pikes thus jeopardizing the whole spear and wall concept.

Rally: Your general gets too blow a loud trumpeting sound by puckering up his lips and vibrating his throat skillfully. Soldiers under his command are immediately brainwashed of any fear due to the loud sound blast damaging their hypothalamus(this is the memory part of the brain right? Correct me if wrong)

Fire Arrow: Archers use pagan magic to channel heat energy into their arrows. Setting them ablaze when they release. The flame is so strong that it sets a whole man on fire and never dissipates in heavy rain.

Flaming ammunition: Artillery crew use pagan magic to channel heat energy into rocks. Like archers, these are set ablaze when released. However these rocks become very susceptible to wind and will veer of course with the slightest breeze.

Explosive ammunition: Someone thought it would be funny to stuff a bag of gunpowder inside a cannon.

[Ars Moriendi]

Rally: Your general gets too blow a loud trumpeting sound by puckering up his lips and vibrating his throat skillfully. Soldiers under his command are immediately brainwashed of any fear due to the loud sound blast damaging their hypothalamus(this is the memory part of the brain right? Correct me if wrong)

That would be the hippopotamus hippocampus .

Medieval Firearms: Were effective at up to 2,000 yards, and almost all medieval gunners were trained snipers, capable of hitting a small vegetable of your choice ona fence post at up to a mile away. Despite what you may have heard medieval troops were not at all suprised or afraid of gunpowder.

That is actually true. Don't believe me ? Well, read below and convince yourself :
(click too see a brief quote from the acclaimed historically accurate depiction of medieval musketeers by Vanya Fukushima)

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Chapter 1: Have Gun, Will Snipe

[Musketeer #1]: Show me a good shot.
[Musketeer #2]: OK. I'll shoot through the fork in the tree, over there at 100
paces, bounce off the helmet of the sleeping soldier behind it,
ricochet off the rock down the hill, bounce straight up and hit that
farmer carrying the rice in the nads.
[Musketeer #2 takes aim, fires, and voila! hits the farmer as he
claimed he would.]
[Musketeer #1]: Impressive. Check this out. I'll shoot the wall of the pagoda,
bounce the bullet towards that rock down the hill, then it will
bounce straight up and hit that pigeon flying in this direction from
the East, where the bullet will smash through the skull and
ricochet back down to earth, striking the temple's roof in the
neigboring town, where it will change course towards the earth,
fly between the Emperor's daughter's legs, strike the toe ring of
the Emperor's Royal Bobbing-Head-Doll Man, bounce straight up,
hitting him in the nads.
[Musketeer #2]: No way! I can't even see the neighboring village from here!
[Musketeer #1]: [Takes aim, and fires.]
[Musketeer #2]: Now what?
[Musketeer #1]: We go to the village.
[The two musketeers walk to the village. Two days later, they
arrive, and find in the square, a large dried puddle of blood.
[Musketeer #2]: [To local vendor] What happened here?
[Vendor]: ROFLMAO! Buddha's wrath was visited on the Emperor's Bobbing-
Head-Doll man yesterday! He made a ball of lead shoot up from
the pits of the earth and take away his manhood, for it was wildly
known he was gay.

[John_Longarrow]

Trebuche: A very large and ornate device designed to slay generals with dead bovines.

Scottish Bow: An annoying device created by Scots as a longer ranged alternative to bag pipes. These devices allow their lazy users to convince dim witted enemies that they are "Supporting" troops instead of deadly shock troops, thus convincing said dim witted troops to close and deal with the "Annoyance". These were exported in large quantities to the Danes who similarly equipt their "Archers".

Balista: A short range cruise missile launch platform designed for removing the entire garrison of a defended settlement before your troops enter. This system is laser guided and, as such, is much less effective when targetting troops behind walls. Fortunately these cruise missiles do have the ability to destroy solid stone walls and are equipt with masking devices that make them look like wooden spears.

[WhiskeyGhost]

Wall Towers: Despite popular belief, wall towers were un-manned sentries that would magically create a never ending barrage of arrows/ballistae bolts/cannon fire, only if friendly troops were stationed nearby to "channel their fighting spirit" into them so it could generate its projectiles out of thin air.

Walls: It is little known that walls not only hollow and kept the enemy out, but also kept your own men from firing at the enemy as well. During most sieges and attacks, archers would line up on walls to defend and shoot arrows from the seemingly advantageous position, only to realize the crenelated walls, despite having gaps to shoot from, were impossible to fire from without using a near 90degree lobbed shot.

Spies: One of the most common things to have ever existed, perhaps only second to water. Proof of this is shown by how nearly every Village,Town,or City has a Thieves Guild dedicated to the art of spying. Be warned however, that spies you personally use will always be inferior to ones that other countries employ, resulting in your spies dying every time they try to enter a city or castle .

Princesses: Otherwise known as the "female diplomats", performed no other function other then to serve as diplomats with maybe a few more tricks available to them. On a side note, princesses, despite being of noble blood and being pampered for most (if not all) of their life, would often have a 'secret lover' which is also a contradiction in terms, due to the fact that if you know she is seeing him, its not exactly a secret now is it?

Gunpowder infantry: Back when first invented, armies had a really hard time using these weapons. Despite being able to magically make the gunpowder dry despite the weather, men holding guns would often find it hard to load, aim, and fire on targets, and would often re-form their ranks due to the enemy moving towards the units flanks. It is often theorized that the men who used the guns were actually obsessive compulsive, and could not take action unless the circumstances were exactly perfect.

[Betito]

Why could a bombard, which is 30cms away from the ground and facing down, fire with a 30 degree angle without any apparent process of aiming?

The explanation is that, contrary to the popular belief, the long barrel of medieval bombards and cannons were for decorative purpouses only. The actual direction of the cannonballs was determined by an invisible device placed at the very end of the metioned cannon/bombard. Inquisitors, in their infinite wisdom, believed this to be an act of the devil himself, so they proceeded to destroy every single one of these formidable weapons, and burn anyone who knew how to build them. And so this art was lost forever.