MTW2 Guide, tongue in cheek

**phunkbot** · 06-05-2007, 21:34

oh great now i've been called in the little video confrence room to explain my prolongued outbursts of uncontrollable laughter, convincing my manager i am not getting high on the job is getting harder by the hour...

got a couple for you:

"Chasing routers" Widely practiced medieval era dance, involves various highly choreographed maneovers by a 30-strong cavalry unit around (well all over the place, but in the general vicinity of) 3-4 guys with pointy sticks. Extensive training is required on the part of the cavalry unit to ensure the safety of the guys with pointed sticks involved.

"Merchant takeovers" Widely practiced medieval era game, somewhat similar to russian roulette in that its totally unpredictable, unless of course one participant is a 50 year old guy making more money than all the muslim nations on the board put toghether and the second participant is a one-eyed monkey in possession of 1/2 florin, a flimsy stick and a rotten banana peel. Flimsy sticks and rotten banana peels are the bane of trade tycoons the world over.

**Incongruous** · 06-06-2007, 00:04

RTS: The label of RTS (Real Time Strategy) was infact a printing mistake by CA. As was the label of Game. M2tw is not a game, it is a cruel joke.

**phonicsmonkey** · 06-06-2007, 01:07

Cardinals: 2nd highest ranking Catholic Church officials. Promoted to this great honour after years of hanging around waiting for someone to die. Contrary to popular belief they are never to be found in Rome but instead congregate in large groups with other cardinals and priests of their nation and roam aimlessly about the countryside in foreign lands bending people's ear about God and denouncing dirty unshaven men with scary eyes. Always wear heavy, expensive ermine robes, even in the desert.

**Whacker** · 06-06-2007, 01:26

Formations: M2TW is programmed with a drastically superior AI designed to assist the player in battles. This AI is so advanced that it actually knows far more than you ever will, and as such will periodically redesignate a new formation(s) for your unit(s). Thought that 2 man deep line for your archers was best? Mwahah! Stupid human! The best formation for archers is obviously 5 men wide and about 25 deep. 3 deep for a good wide front cav charge? You cad. Try 4 wide and 15ish deep, which is clearly the best formation for chasing ~~butterfli~~ routers in!

Pathfinding: Definitive proof that CA has a Zen master on the dev team. Foolish unenlightened mortals! You thought that the quickest path from your front gate to your town square was through that one 2nd gate right behind you!? Of course not! The quickest path (obviously) is all the way across the castle through that obscure road, through the farthest gate away, before taking a zigzag pattern path back to the town square. The shortest route to victory is through a scenic tour of your city! And you wonder why they removed the view city feature!

**supadodo** · 06-06-2007, 01:33

Imams: Muslim versions of priests. They like to call you infidel. When they lvl up to 5, Allah gives them a super telescope which allows them to spot cities halfway across the map and stick a mini "toggle_fow off" there. Then he sends an e-mail to all Muslim faction leaders to besiege the city but doesn't bother joining in himself.

Crusade: A laughable interpretation of racism at its finest. Occasionally, the Pope thinks sending your already busy forces to go all the way across the sea to fight a single different skinned militia in Jerusalem is the way to gain favor from God. To compensate for the long journey, he gives you a million cans of Red Bull so your troops can fly and installs jet engines on ships to make them go faster. Sometimes troops get bored and leave you in the hundreds to try to find girlfriends but those at sea just hop in the water and get eaten by sharks.

Jihad: A misinterpretation of a Holy War, Jihad is summoned by super-Imams(above). They are same as crusade but the general is a Muslim.

**Labareda** · 06-06-2007, 04:22

Great Post

Inquisitors: Criminal Heretic Ringleaders.

Sly double agents acting from within the church, they pose as hunters of heresy when in fact they are criminal masterminds. Acting as a behind the scenes pupetmasters they provide heretics, witches, and wizards with inside information gleaned from their sources high in the church in return for their dubious loyalty.

Their real goals however are the murder of generals and governors. They will wait in a forest hideaway for centuries and then will issue forth, heretics on thier heels to strike at citys and envoys of thier host nation.

You see the truth is they are immortal vampire ninja pirates. They can live for centuries in dark places, they are insatiable in their pursuit of blood victims (preferably of the higher caste), are unkillable by assasins due to them being ninjas (and vampires), and are also pirates arhhhhhh!

**Kobal2fr** · 06-06-2007, 04:30

Originally Posted by supadodo

Imams: Muslim versions of priests. They like to call you INFIIIIIIDEEEEEEL.

Fixed that for ya

**phonicsmonkey** · 06-06-2007, 04:34

Sultans: People who wish you dead (Jallah!)

**Kobal2fr** · 06-06-2007, 05:10

Another take on a few factions :

France : The French have been, since times immemorial, the butt of every joke in the world. When a general doesn't find anything comforting to say to his soon-to-be-dead men, knocking the girly French will always get a cheer. Charles the XIVXth's idea of decking his pikemen in FEARSOME little feathered berets somehow didn't help.

Milan : When Milan was 8, Venice broke his Tonka Truck. Then his funny uncle HRE molested him during a sauerkraut-induced euphoric binge. This turned Milan into a broken, drug using, angsty teenage faction prone to lashing out and attacking just about everyone in a 2000 miles radius with ubercrossbowmen. While everyone talks about the Milanese as wealthy bankers, Milan is always broke. See : drug use.

Denmark : obviously vikings with axes and horned helmets. Which is why they dislike sensible weapons like, say, spears. Or knights. In fact, the Norse words for spear and bow (Stykkilimishiii and Okapekiiisholmi) mean "that-not-axe-crap" and "the-crap-that-is-not-an-axe-either", respectively. The Danes say "AAAARH !" a lot. In the 15th century they realized that the viking schtik was tiring everyone and went through a painfull identity crisis that led them to devellop such brilliant weapons as the sword-staff (Norse Peÿkillimilli : "so-not-a-spear"), swordsmen and sword-chucks. Then they turned emo.

Hungary : should by all rights get the same fop/catamite jokes the French do, because they're pink. Don't because they formed an elite corps of ninjas trained from birth to slit the throat of every man who utters the words "so hey, get this : Hungarians are pi...AAAAAARGH".

HRE : vastly powerful empire that will always get ganged upon because they said "MEIN KAAAAISER !" one time too many.

Russia : poor dirt farmers with huge poor tracts of land. Little known agrarian fact : more land means less crops. Don't argue with me. Other known fact : the whole of Russia comprised a total of 6 cities, because of communism-driven centralism.
For some reason, russian road networks cost exactly the same amount of money as, say, Rhodes ones, despite the fact that said roads cover half the friggin' map. That because communism exploits man and turns him into a rank, non-money-driven slave. Also, are the only faction to have different units with different looks but the exact same stats. That's because communism turns man into a mindless, soulless mass-produced automaton. So, you know, Russians are bad, m'kay ? Also, they have knives between their teeth, for unknown (but menacingly nefarious) reasons.

England : vastly overpowered faction needing the made-up "poor diversity of cavalry" line to make believe they have a weakness. Needless to say, said cavalry is the best in the game. Have the best archers in the game. Have more foot swords than everyone else. Have the best and most secure starting position of all factions. But, you know, in a fair way.

**crpcarrot** · 06-06-2007, 09:47

lol man this thread is great

**sapi** · 06-06-2007, 09:58

A friendly warning for you all (not that you need one at this point) - this thread stays open at my pleasure

Keep it nice and clean

**Sheogorath** · 06-06-2007, 17:22

Thanks all :)

Catamite: Because all medieval assassins hauled around young male prostitutes. Seriously. ALL your assassins will have these. This may lead to speculation about the programming staff of the game, but its best that you just dont think of that.

Cannon: An instrument for the rectification of borders into a more affable state to the nation with more of them.

Sword: A sharpened length of steel employed in the re-negotiation of property between the Bronze age and (roughly) WWII. For some reason it is not effective against men armed with axes or other heavy weapons.

Spear: A length of wood with a head composed of a mysterious substance which is capable of changing shape and consistency. While standing still, the spearhead is composed of a material which is sharper than obsidian and harder than diamonds (the hardest metal known to man). While moving, the spearhead is composed of something with the consitency of porridge, forcing the erstwhile spearmen to attempt to bludgeon his enemy to death with the length of wood.

Pike: Similar to spears, but longer and wielded by men intelligent enough to know that attempting to beat your opponent with a twelve foot long bit of wood is not a good idea. Instead medieval pikemen will, on contact with any enemy whatsoever, instantly switch to swords. The reason for carrying pikes into battle is not known, but presumably had some sort of religious connotation.

Jerusalem: The City of Whiney Emo Whores. Everybody in Jerusalem hates you, no matter who you are. If youre Egyptian, Turkish, Moorish, Byzantine, Russian, Hungarian or any other person, they will hate you and rebel after a few turns under your rule, no matter how many nice things you build for them.
The best solution to this is to sell or give the city to the Pope, wait for it to rebel, then kill everybody in the city for rebelling against the Pope.
Acre has nicer weather anyway.

Northern Italy: Also known as the 'Traffic Jam of Europe' this is where EVERYBODY sends their diplomats, spies, merchants and so forth, despite the fact that there really isnt that much there to spy on or assassinate or sell. And in any case the merchants rarely attempt to exploit what there IS to sell, opting rather to try to buy each other out, despite none of them having any money anyway.

Medieval Assassins: Incompetents not capable of killing a blind, three-legged dog with arthritis and a broken spine. In fact, most likely said dog would be miraculously cured by their efforts to kill it. This cannot be said of assassins of certain nations (IE: All of them except yours), who are professionally trained killers quite capable of sneaking into your royal palace and offing your faction leader.

**Kobal2fr** · 06-06-2007, 17:47

This is starting to sound a lot like the Devil's Dictionnary :p

Keep 'em coming, Sheogorath, O Prince of Madness !

**locked_thread** · 06-06-2007, 20:25

edit

**locked_thread** · 06-06-2007, 21:43

edit

**Whacker** · 06-06-2007, 23:00

Originally Posted by CyanCentaur

- "Fighting to the Death" = 1. no longer fighting 2. IDDQD mode that will cause the 3 remaining peasants/militia/whatever to take out most of your nearest best unit/general's unit before the last man finally bites the dust.

- "Charging" = taking a leisurely stroll up to the enemy to request combat.

Few revisions.

Also:

Agent success percentages: Ignore these. These are randomly generated numbers that have nothing at all to do with your agent's actual chance of success. The real chance can only be portrayed when there are at least 3 digits of precision before the decimal, aka 00.001%, which the game currently does not support.

**Kobal2fr** · 06-07-2007, 00:32

Relics : While the Lord's presence can be felt in everything, from the shivering of leaves in the wind to the flight of a sparrow, and while God is in essence ineffable and unfathomable, medieval Christians were fond of salvaging their saints for spare parts, just in case. Nothing boosts faith more than holding a piece of Jesus's ... most human part. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me Lord.

Named Ancillaries : if you wrap yourself in ham, hop on one foot naked by the light of the new moon, and utter the secret word "xyfsxwtrglll" (the t is silent) you might actually get one of those.

**Whacker** · 06-07-2007, 01:11

Originally Posted by Kobal2fr

Named Ancillaries : if you wrap yourself in ham, hop on one foot naked by the light of the new moon, and utter the secret word "xyfsxwtrglll" (the t is silent) you might actually get one of those.

No wonder I can't get any of these, I kept using "xyfspwtrglll" instead of "xyfsxwtrglll".

**phonicsmonkey** · 06-07-2007, 02:17

Walls: Impressive structures built to surround the tiny cities which apparently housed and supported over 30k persons each. To be stationed on the walls in defence of the city was the highest honour which could be bestowed on a medieval soldier, even greater than that of defending the small flag-lined square which was the centre of every city. Accordingly, troops allowed to stand atop the walls would stroll up and down with a jaunty, self-confident air, convinced of their indomitable bravery and spirit. "Well men, the gates may be broken and the enemy swarming over the city, but we who are atop the WALLS will never surrender!"

**supadodo** · 06-07-2007, 06:32

Special Formations Guide

Schitrom: Spearmen go gay and start getting very close to each other. They stick out their spears in a circle to prevent enemy homos from joining the fun.

Circle-shoot: Horseys with bows and arrows play ring-a-round of roses while shooting. Quite surprisingly, they can do this without even steering the horse(or looking in front for that matter). Sometimes, horseys refuse to play the game because its for girls.

Spearwall: Pikemen and Halberdiers form a line of pokey things thinking that nothing can get pass them. Unfortunately some idiots prefer to use their swords instead of pikes thus jeopardizing the whole spear and wall concept.

Rally: Your general gets too blow a loud trumpeting sound by puckering up his lips and vibrating his throat skillfully. Soldiers under his command are immediately brainwashed of any fear due to the loud sound blast damaging their hypothalamus(this is the memory part of the brain right? Correct me if wrong)

Fire Arrow: Archers use pagan magic to channel heat energy into their arrows. Setting them ablaze when they release. The flame is so strong that it sets a whole man on fire and never dissipates in heavy rain.

Flaming ammunition: Artillery crew use pagan magic to channel heat energy into rocks. Like archers, these are set ablaze when released. However these rocks become very susceptible to wind and will veer of course with the slightest breeze.

Explosive ammunition: Someone thought it would be funny to stuff a bag of gunpowder inside a cannon.

**Ars Moriendi** · 06-07-2007, 17:36

Originally Posted by supadodo

Rally: Your general gets too blow a loud trumpeting sound by puckering up his lips and vibrating his throat skillfully. Soldiers under his command are immediately brainwashed of any fear due to the loud sound blast damaging their hypothalamus(this is the memory part of the brain right? Correct me if wrong)

That would be the ~~hippopotamus~~ hippocampus .

Originally Posted by Sheogorath

Medieval Firearms: Were effective at up to 2,000 yards, and almost all medieval gunners were trained snipers, capable of hitting a small vegetable of your choice ona fence post at up to a mile away. Despite what you may have heard medieval troops were not at all suprised or afraid of gunpowder.

That is actually true. Don't believe me ? Well, read below and convince yourself :
(click too see a brief quote from the acclaimed historically accurate depiction of medieval musketeers by Vanya Fukushima)

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

**John_Longarrow** · 06-08-2007, 02:53

Trebuche: A very large and ornate device designed to slay generals with dead bovines.

Scottish Bow: An annoying device created by Scots as a longer ranged alternative to bag pipes. These devices allow their lazy users to convince dim witted enemies that they are "Supporting" troops instead of deadly shock troops, thus convincing said dim witted troops to close and deal with the "Annoyance". These were exported in large quantities to the Danes who similarly equipt their "Archers".

Balista: A short range cruise missile launch platform designed for removing the entire garrison of a defended settlement before your troops enter. This system is laser guided and, as such, is much less effective when targetting troops behind walls. Fortunately these cruise missiles do have the ability to destroy solid stone walls and are equipt with masking devices that make them look like wooden spears.

**WhiskeyGhost** · 06-08-2007, 04:21

Wall Towers: Despite popular belief, wall towers were un-manned sentries that would magically create a never ending barrage of arrows/ballistae bolts/cannon fire, only if friendly troops were stationed nearby to "channel their fighting spirit" into them so it could generate its projectiles out of thin air.

Walls: It is little known that walls not only hollow and kept the enemy out, but also kept your own men from firing at the enemy as well. During most sieges and attacks, archers would line up on walls to defend and shoot arrows from the seemingly advantageous position, only to realize the crenelated walls, despite having gaps to shoot from, were impossible to fire from without using a near 90degree lobbed shot.

Spies: One of the most common things to have ever existed, perhaps only second to water. Proof of this is shown by how nearly every Village,Town,or City has a Thieves Guild dedicated to the art of spying. Be warned however, that spies you personally use will always be inferior to ones that other countries employ, resulting in your spies dying every time they try to enter a city or castle .

Princesses: Otherwise known as the "female diplomats", performed no other function other then to serve as diplomats with maybe a few more tricks available to them. On a side note, princesses, despite being of noble blood and being pampered for most (if not all) of their life, would often have a 'secret lover' which is also a contradiction in terms, due to the fact that if you know she is seeing him, its not exactly a secret now is it?

Gunpowder infantry: Back when first invented, armies had a really hard time using these weapons. Despite being able to magically make the gunpowder dry despite the weather, men holding guns would often find it hard to load, aim, and fire on targets, and would often re-form their ranks due to the enemy moving towards the units flanks. It is often theorized that the men who used the guns were actually obsessive compulsive, and could not take action unless the circumstances were exactly perfect.

**Betito** · 06-10-2007, 04:41

Why could a bombard, which is 30cms away from the ground and facing down, fire with a 30 degree angle without any apparent process of aiming?

The explanation is that, contrary to the popular belief, the long barrel of medieval bombards and cannons were for decorative purpouses only. The actual direction of the cannonballs was determined by an invisible device placed at the very end of the metioned cannon/bombard. Inquisitors, in their infinite wisdom, believed this to be an act of the devil himself, so they proceeded to destroy every single one of these formidable weapons, and burn anyone who knew how to build them. And so this art was lost forever.

**Sheogorath** · 06-10-2007, 05:03

Reputation:
In no way reflects your actions over the course of the game. Rather, this is randomly calculated every turn based on random actions by the AI. Say, for instance, a swallow landed on your kings favorite apple tree. This will have a significant negative impact on your reputation, for obvious reasons.
Once youre reputation is low enough, everybody will hate you and promptly set about trying to exterminate you. GG idiot lol.

**Specky the Mad** · 06-10-2007, 06:39

This thread should be either immediately removed from the world wide web for breaching act 18a42t stating that no video game can actually be interpreted as being 'funny' or 'humerus' in any way or it should be stickied with a 5 star rating and have its name changed to the 'Generally accepted interpretation / summary of M2TW' and be made to be read as a terms and conditions when sighing up to any M2TW forum.

But seriously kudos goes out to all that have contributed to this thread for one of the best laughs i have had in a few days

**Dangrebe** · 08-16-2008, 04:38

This needs to be revived!

Here's some more!

Cavalry: A little known fact of the horsemen of the medieval era was that the men and horse were bound together by an umbilical-like cord that sustains the knight and the horse as long as they both have beating hearts. This would result in a quite risque death pose with the man mounting the horse.

Infantry: Another strange tradition concerns infantrymen. The soldiers would oft times fill their clothes(pants ,boot, whatever) with a lighter than air substance, often hydrogen. This is the reason for the soldiers instant immolation when hit by a fire arrow, and the habit of getting tossed 10-15 feet in the air when assaulted by cavalry and/or elephants.

**Askthepizzaguy** · 08-16-2008, 07:52

Dangrebe, unfortunately thats called thread necromancy and it's not allowed.

You can post a link to the old thread and start a new one, but you cant revive one this old.

From your friendly neighborhood blitzmaster, slash "assistant-assistant-assistant-assistant" moderator.