Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

[Kaidonni]

Okay, seeing as how the guys over in the M2TW Citadel are having a laugh about M2TW, I thought we could do the same for MTW (don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the game, just that it'd be fun to do some tongue-in-cheek humour).

I'll start it rolling...on a fictional king...

-Influence: 4 - 'Most nations recognise you as a power in the world of politics, but usually 'politely' ignore your suggestions. Perhaps a more forceful foreign policy is required, such as 'politely' invading said nations.'
-Piety: 0 - 'At a loss for words because if anyone utters anything about this, he'll probably be burnt at the stake.'
-Dread: 0 - 'A clown has more dread than this man.'
-Command: 5 - 'This man likes to think he's a great general, but the only reason why most of his enemy fear his banner on the field of battle is because it has his mug painted on it. Nevertheless, he wins most battles because of this.'
-Acumen: 1 - 'A peasant has more brains than this man. The relative closeness of his cousins explains this, though.'

[Martok]

-Command: 5 - 'This man likes to think he's a great general, but the only reason why most of his enemy fear his banner on the field of battle is because it has his mug painted on it. Nevertheless, he wins most battles because of this.'

LOL! That one's definitely my favorite. Hmm, let's see what I can come up with....

Command 1: "Knows to keep the pointy end of most weapons away from himself, and at least grasps the fundamentals....such as the concept of keeping one's front to the enemy."

Acumen 2: "Although he'll never have the intelligence to appreciate a good book, he does understand the importance of being able to at least read and compose simple messages."

[Great Est.]

General attributes:
Loyalty 3: "His lack of fealty is no impediment to his marrying a princess and being named Lord Chancellor."
Loyalty 7: "This man is loyal enough to be treated like an dog and requires no titles or even pay."

[General Dazza]

Influence 1: Most other kings would fail to recognise you at functions. The embarrassment of this has only been avoided as you are not invited to any. You once convinced the stablehand to clean the stables, but this came as a surprise to everyone.

Dread 0: About as scary as Doris Day. Hobbies include patchwork quilting and smiling a lot. Your idea of a law and order crackdown is to hold a fete at the town watch.

[Great Est.]

Command 11: This general's amps go past 10 on the volume dial, allowing him to Spinal Tap enemies at will.
Command X: This general is Chuck Norris, who went back in time and proceeded to roundhouse his way around the known world. He goes into battle alone, carrying his horse, which he proceeds to throw at the opposing general.

[seireikhaan]

Hmm, I'll give it a try.

Piety 0- This man believes that the world is round and that the sun is the center of the universe. Therefore, he must be a heretic.

Dread 9- This man masquerades around in a "Jason" mask whilst brandishing a machete at his opponents and slaying hapless drunk teenagers in his free time.

Acumen 0- This man has the higher brain capacity of a plank of wood. He requires a life jacket when attempting to consume a bowl of soup, as he has an unfortunate habit of nearly drowning in it otherwise.

[Martok]

Careful, folks. Let's not stray off-topic here.


Ships: When it comes to understanding them and how they work, don't even try -- you'll end up in the loony bin if you do! Just make sure you have more of them than your enemy does. A lot more.

[Don Esteban]

Land Bridges: It is a little known fact that during the Medieval period armies had the ability to walk on water. A small trickle of water such as the Channel was no impediment to the invasion of the continent by the English.

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

Nice ones Omanes

Thanks Noir!

Land Bridges: It is a little known fact that during the Medieval period armies had the ability to walk on water. A small trickle of water such as the Channel was no impediment to the invasion of the continent by the English.

On the topic of landbridges:

Piety 0 - This man is holy enough to walk across waters to attack his enemies, but not holy enough to know who God is or what the holy scriptures say.

[macsen rufus]

How to judge your standing as a King and conqueror:

Influence 9: You da man! Which part of your anatomy do you wish the Pope to kiss? Yes, yes, take all the princesses you want, and would you like a spare prince for your perverted heir, as well?

Influence 8: Your lands are vast, your army invincible and your honour is great. Which is why your allies are all about to invade...

Influence 7: You are famous throughout the world for the pointiness of your spears, the shininess of your armour, and the swiftness of your camels. Be sure your enemies are sharpening their spears, polishing their armour and doping their camels.

Influence 6: Courtiers, diplomats and poets flood to your court to bask in your greatness. So do the spies and assassins looking for any chance to stab you in the back.

Influence 5: Your kingdom is treated with a little respect - neighbouring kings will hesitate for at least a minute before killing your emissary, ravishing your princesses and invading your homeland.

Influence 4: The name of your kingdom is known to your neighbours, but their princes would rather marry a goat than any of your princesses.

Influence 3: Luckily your realm is so insignificant none of your enemies can actually find it on the map, saving your feeble armies from sure and certain annihilation.

Influence 2: Two peasants and an old woman with a halbard do not make an army, and your realm is a patch of scrub inacapable of feeding a mangey goat.

Influence 1: "Yo, Blair!"

Influence 0: Who? Where?

[Martok]

Brilliant, macsen rufus!

Influence 1: "Yo, Blair!"

Okay, now that's just mean.

[caravel]

Piety:

Piety 9: He believes has has been sent by god to conquer your lands and liberate you of your kingdom and wealth. His faith is unshakeable. He has even been known to claim that CA will feature "AI" in the next Total War game, whatever that may be...

Piety 8: This man's middle name is "crusade" he has been known to quickly baptise the enemy before killing them...

Piety 7: Surrounded by preachers night and day, he perhaps has the appearance of being devout but is not the perfect example of a pious ruler.

Piety 6: Declaring a jihad for this man is no more serious than breaking wind.

Piety 5: He has been known to execute the odd heretic on Wednesday afternoons after tea, though only when he is sober enough after returning from the tavern.

Piety 4: He will use faith when it provides a means to an end. He is known to be muslim in several provinces, catholic in a few others and a pagan in several more, certainly a resourceful individual with much potential, though luring him out of the local brothel and into battle can be difficult.

Piety 3: He occasionally opens a bible when getting back from devil worship society evenings...

Piety 2: "Yo, Blair!" When he's not mutilating sheep and butchering entire villages of women and children he has been known to spend his free time mutilating more sheep and butchering even more villages of women and children.

Piety 1: Lock up your daughters...

Piety 0: Lock up your goats, sheep, camels, boars, donkeys...