Concerns about Empire

[Vanya]

GAH!

Vanya had a slow PC once. But Vanya solved that problem, and now plays MT2W on it!

This PC is one ole dinosaur, too. 286... 512K RAM... 20GB HD... 100 Hz... 300 Baud modem.

For slowness, Vanya hired a voodoo priestess from Nawlins to give His PC a life of its own. Blessed with a soul, it now had feelings--and more importantly, could feel. Vanya then proceeded to whip that old PC until it ran like the wind! Pain is such a great motivator!

When things got sluggy or laggy, Vanya dipped the PC in a tub full of bleach to "get the scum out". Vanya has never seen such sparkle from a mother board as when He dries it out with a hot fart after washing it all down with bleach! Didn't yo' mama ever bathe youz in bleach when youz had a cold in order to kill the virus? Same principle at play here! Why spend money buying spyware killers when a tub of el cheapo bleach will do the trick in one tenth the time?

Now, this PC runs with the fear of Vanya embedded in every cursed circuit of it's core. Even the modem gained speed and now gives Vanya 6000 Mbits/sec when Vanya demands it. That is what Vanya calls a customer-oriented PC!

The result? Vanya can play any game regardless of size or hardware requirements. Vanya can play MP with every bastid on the planet simultaneously should such a coordination miracle ever transpire! And the best thing? Heads roll without lag, which means Vanya does not have to gawk at poor physics disrupting the grace and magnificence of His majestic axe swings.

GAH!