ManHunt

[Ayachuco]

nope, never used that picture before, but it was made by Sinan, I hope he doesn't mind me using it.

Huh, I thought I saw picture somewhere else. Guess it was something about the gothic knight with the two handed sword that triggered my memory.

[Agent Miles]

“Manhunt” is a very exciting story with lots of action. If Lorenz is to be the hero of your story, then you should have him actually tackle some of the dangers he faces. He starts out running away from the bounty hunters. Then Princess Flora stays behind to cover while he runs away again. Finally, when a relief force is to return and save the Princess, he doesn’t offer to lead them. Instead, Lorenz sputters, “You can’t go back…you’ll be slaughtered.” Strike three, he’s out. To quote Zech to Lorenz, “I hope you know how to fight.”
Also, typos clutter your story and act as speed bumps slowing down the reader unnecessarily. “Were” and “where” have separate meanings. A good proof read should fix these.

[RoadKill]

Thanks for the critique Agent miles! I'll be sure to fix those things. Well, Lorenz is sort of a coward and has never fought in a war before. I also still havn't introduced what happened to Lorenz before this, *wink wink* so I havn't put him into a big role right now but I will use your advice and put it into the next chapter, please continue to comment.

PS: I'm only 14 so my grammer isn't all that great.

[Agent Miles]

Sweeet! OMG, 14 rulz. Whatever.

[ELITEofWARMANGINGERYBREADMEN88]

Excellet Story. I like how you go into Detail. Lorenz is sure is a intersting character.


Good Story, Keep Writing

[RoadKill]

Continuation of chapter 2
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War drums pounded deep into the silence, horns blew echoing through the plains, shattering the winds, the crushing footsteps of the arriving antagonists shook the ground of the pathetic interceptors. Lorenz’s heart pounded in his chest booming, his breath grew large, exhaling ferociously. Lorenz has never felt such fear before. His white stallion given to him before hand was now dressed like an appropriate war horse, shining steel covered its long head; a large steel tunic hung over the sides of the horse, the saddles were made of chain mail, rattling in between Lorenz’s fidgeting fingers. His other hand grew sweaty inside his plated gauntlets, while it put a death grip on his silver long sword. Lorenz was not alone though, he could feel that the morale of the outnumbered and out-powered troops beside him was just as low.

The arriving enemies’ war horns, drums, and marching pounds soon grew into rhythm, echoing harmonically together. Louder and louder and louder, till the horrific music’s sound waves rattled the armors and horses of Zech and his men. He looked around, General Zech had no way to prepare a strategic location; the archers were in the front, the spear militia gently behind them so the archers can retreat behind the pointed spears. On the sides were the heavy infantry to clamp the enemy in, with all the cavalry and Zech’s escorts behind the stretched out line of defense. The plan was easy, the archers would fire at the incoming enemy depleting the few men in the front, when the enemy was to approach near the archers would route behind the spear militias for them to intercept. The two bands of heavy infantry would then clamp the enemy to a smaller concentration on the sides, to finalize it the heavy cavalry will perform numerous consecutives manuveurs of charges to stampeded the enemy and crush the enemies’ morale.

In a matter of minutes a thin black and gold haze line skimmed across the horizon, slowly the haze became more superior, clearer, and more fearful.

“Dear mother of God!” a soldier spurted out, “THEY’RE HERE!!!!” his cry warned all the others. Lorenz lay motionless stunned by the sight. A flood of black and gold poured over the horizon, it looked like a black liquid leaking out of a glass. They seeped closer and closer.

“Archers fire!” The line of skilled archers ripped the string back as far as possible, and in a single communicated motion, the wire whipped forward launching the arrows to incredible speeds. Lines of enemy men fell to the ground from being pierced heavily by the waves of arrows. The number of enemies shook it off as if it was nothing; the arrows did not inflict enough damage.

They only had enough time to fire eight loads before the enemy was close enough to assault. “Brace yourself men!” Zech’s voice stretched out deafeningly. The spears lurched back in a stance to brace for the impact pointing their spears outwards, while the archers skirmished away. They were completely outnumbered at the brace. Hundreds and hundreds of men pushed their shields and swords forward cutting down the spears. The front lines of the spears broke, crushed under the steel feet of the adversary before tens of swords punctured their bodies like a knife through butter.
Lorenz looked to the left and right, the heavy infantry to the flanks have smashed into the enemy as well, trying the clamp the enemy into a small concentration. Lorenz then twisted his head around to look behind, the archers have routed to a top of a hill, struggling to climb the dunes of mud to reach the top to rain hell on the enemy. Lorenz’s heart pounded, his breathe growing heavier and heavier, the screams of dieing men echoed through his head, the smashing of armors and swords and shields rang in his ears A hard hand smacked Lorenz, waking him from the trance.

“Lorenz focus! It is our time to do our share, in my queue we will have to puncture them from behind the spears, so they can retreat behind our fighting lines to reform, this has to be perfect or the enemy will leak past us!” Zech yelled trying to speak above the insane noise. They steadied tugging furiously at the disobedient horses.

“Steady!” Zech groaned, “Wait!” he stretched stalling time. The line of spearmen in front slowly started to break apart, unable to hold any longer.

“Now!” Zech’s voice boomed. Lorenz, in the last row of the charge, kneed his horse gently giving it the order. The rows of cavalry lurched forward a little before rocketing off towards the enemy. One of the knights to the left blew into a small flute, warning the spearmen in front. They quickly struggled up to get out of the way of the cavalry steam rolling through. The first row of the three cavalry lines smashed into the enemy. The heavy hooves of the horses penetrated the steel armors breaking the enemies’ skulls instantly; they neighed and whined in a fury smashing men away. The broad lances of those who possessed one ripped through the flesh of the enemy. “Kill them all!” Zech screamed at the top of his lungs, “Mercy shall not flow through our veins!” Zech roared. The second row reached the action shoving and pushing to sink their swords in blood. Lorenz pushed his head down towards his saddle as the impact of his stallion into the men in front nailed him straight on. He lost control. His stallion whined and rioted, leaping up and tossing Lorenz around on the saddle. “Damn it!” Lorenz lost his grip and was thrown high in the air smashing hard onto the ground. The impact was hard from that high up, rattling him to the core. Lorenz was lucky he was not in the front rows of the battle, or he would have been bashed to death from the horses and men. Lorenz reached up grabbing his stallion, “Calm down!” Lorenz repeated trying to ease the fear from the horse, but it has lost self-control, it booted Lorenz to the ground once more, compounding him straight in the stomach before it raced off deserting him.

“Get up!” a fellow knight ordered, “Fight on foot!”
Lorenz nodded obediently, but he did admit it was complicated. He was at the very back away from the fighting. In front the horses of others’ blanketed him; there was no way he could get into the action. Lorenz was actually very thankful for that, he has never slaughtered any man; he also had no training in warfare before. He looked around blood was spilled everywhere men were dieing and all he did was watch. “I can not be a coward no longer,” Lorenz tore out his sword from the sheath and pressed others away to get closer to the front. He shoved and pushed until he saw parts of the enemy. He then realized that he was stepping on something. Underneath his foot was a dead body of one more, it was deformed from all the slices and bashes it received. Lorenz shrieked in fear at the graphic sight. He looked up only to realize there was thousands of others like that all around the floor. This was what war was like.

Lorenz spotted an inattentive target near him. The man like all the others was wearing a crusader helmet with a cross trimmed with gold in the front for sight; their armor was an extremely thick chain mail with a blood stained black tunic over it, on the center of that was a elegant black cross. He raised his sword, only to remain in that stance shaking. “I can’t do this, I can’t kill,” Lorenz spoke out loud, but he regrets he ever did. The intended target heard turning around to face Lorenz.. He charged towards Lorenz. Lorenz froze not knowing what to do, the soldier’s sword whipped down like lightning bashing onto Lorenz defensive stance, knocking him over on his back. Lorenz was still frozen only able to raise his sword up to spar another strike. Another hit bashed onto him again. Lorenz was stuck on the floor with the standing on top of him striking. Lorenz took hit after hit, only able to block it. His heart raced his breathe grew dim, it was game over. Lorenz left hand holding the sword by the blade bled furiously, the soldier has pounded Lorenz so hard the sword broke through his gauntlets piercing his hands. It was over, Lorenz couldn’t do anything but stare at the face of his executor; the man raised his sword one last time gaining momentum for the final blow to Lorenz. Everything seemed to slow down as he met his fate, he blinked and a tear rolled off his cheek splashing on the inside of his helmet, he clenched hard closing his eyes waiting for it to happen.

Blood sprayed all over Lorenz’s armor staining it with blood. A gurgling scream blew out. The sword dropped to the floor clanking before grabbing his faces clenching it in pure agony and devastating pain. Lorenz opened his teary eyes the man, that was about to end his life, had an arrow punctured in his eye. Lorenz stunned by the gore slowly dragged himself backwards pulling himself away. Lorenz twisted his head around searching for his savior. It seems that one of the archers has saw Lorenz in trouble and has left the hill to aid him. Lorenz stared at him emotionless thanking god for it. The archer saluted Lorenz nodding, understanding Lorenz’s thanks, before returning to the hill.

Lorenz stood up once more, but dangled around for a while weak from the trauma. A voice scared Lorenz “Lorenz!” Lorenz searched for the voice it was Zech, “are you alright!” Zech said worriedly while slicing down enemies. Zech rounded his horse to be beside Lorenz protecting Lorenz from rampages of enemy.

“God damn it Lorenz!” Zech scolded “I know you just got a beating, but you have to kill or you’ll be the one with the end of the sword punched through you!”

“I’m sorry!” Lorenz whined “I’ve never killed a man before!”

A large shout interrupted Zech from responding. “General Zech!” it was the captain spearman, “The spears are reformed and ready to fight!”

“Good!” Zech screamed back, “My knights can’t handle much more of this!” Zech signaled a hand motion to a near by knight. The knight nodded and drew a flute from his side. He inhaled and blew in it as hard as he can so that all the knights could hear. Quickly the knights spun around twisting their horses around to get out of the way. This was a dangerous and risk act. With their backs turned the enemy chopped and slashed at the men.

“HURRY MEN!” Zech screeched at the top of his lounges as he watched man after man chopped down and mauled to death.

“Spears!” Zech ordered, “Charge immediately before we are all dead!” the spear militia pointed their spears straight forward and rampaged towards the enemy past the knights and bashed into the waves of men. The knights quickly got away before it was too late.

Lorenz bent down clenching his fists at the exhaustion of that maneuver.
He looked at his hand with blood storming out and clenched his teeth in pain. In the matter of an hour he has almost lost his life twice.

“It ain’t sleepy time men!” Zech ordered his men to reform, “Hurry up! Reform –
He stopped, Lorenz stopped, a knight stopped, everyone stopped.

“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!” Zech screeched. He fell to the ground bracing himself on the floor, but so did everyone else. A black circle blur ripped past the air blowing away everything in its path. Lorenz fell backwards covering his face from the mysterious object. The object fell slicing the ground straight into the enemy. It smashed to the floor killing everyone in its path.

“RETREAT!!!!!” one of the enemy captains screamed for his life, the men scattered pushing each other and crushing each other to get away, from the mysterious powers. Another four horrific booms shattered the screams launching another four demons at the enemy. Lorenz has never seen such horror before; it felt like God himself was raining hell on the sinners. The enemy scattered routing for there lives away from the devastating blows. The hordes of mysterious shots continued to explode crushing anyone in its path.

Everyone lay on the floor covering their heads hoping the mystery attackers won’t crush their skulls. It was finally silent, there was no more roaring. Slowly the men stood up. It seems the enemy has all disappeared except the dead bodies left behind. A knight spoke out, “General Zech,”

“Yes Captain?” Zech replied.
“I think we won,” the captain said awkwardly. Lorenz pulled himself up looking around trying to process what just happened and took off his helmet. Zech looked around, making an awkward face, then after a brief silence he smiled “WE WON!!!!” he screamed so everyone could hear. The men looked around and slowly cheered at the mysterious victory. Then a voice broke the cheer, “General Zech, you gonna take all the credit for yourself, or are you gonna thank me!?” the voice came from the far side of the hill. A man slowly arose from the hill so did several other men, then more and more appeared on the hill, tens then hundreds, and then thousands appeared, then slowly a cylinder silver object stated to appear as well, it appeared in the shape of a tube, with a big black hole in it with smoke arising from the hole. It was supported on wooden rollers, with men pushing it.

“Has Princess Flora, told you of our new weapons!?” the man from the hill laughed pointing at the mysterious weapons.

“Holy pig-on-a-stick,” Zech stood there in amazement,

The man at the hill laughed, “Its called gunpowder you old fart,”

END OF CHAPTER 2
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It was quite hard describing a battle but I think I did a decent job. Please I like recieving some hardcore critique so please give me one or just give me a comment on what you think about it. Thanks

[Mouzafphaerre]

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Sorry, I'm badly sick -got the flu. Couldn't read yet.
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