: As the Acting Returning Officer of Dunny-on-the-Wold...
H: (cuts in) Er, the Acting Returning Officer, Mr. E. Blackadder, of course.
And we're all very grateful, indeed, that he stepped in at the last minute,
when the previous Returning Officer accidently brutally stabbed himself
in the stomach while shaving.
E: I now announce the number of votes cast as follows: Brigadier General
Horace Bolsom...
H: (cuts) Cheap-Royalty-White-Rat-Catching-And-Safe-Sewage Residents Party...
E: No votes.
(Bolsom pushes his way off platform)
E: Ivor `Jest-ye-not-madam' Biggun...
H: (cuts) Standing-At-The-Back-Dressed-Stupidly-And-Looking-Stupid Party...
E: No votes.
(Ivor laughs, plays a kazoo in E's ear, laughs more and waves)
E: Pitt, the Even Younger...
H: (cuts) Whig...
E: No votes.
H: Oh, there's a shock.
(Pitt the Even Younger turns to his mum and cries)
E: Mr. S. Baldrick...
H: (cuts) Adder Party...
E: Sixteen thousand, four hundred, and seventy-two.
(Cheers are heard.)
H: And there you have it: victory for the Adder Party -- a sensational swing
against the Whigs. I'll just try to get a final word from some of the
candidates as they come up from the stage. Master William Pitt the Even
Younger, are you disappointed?
P (the Even Younger): (stomps on) Yes! I'm horrified! I smeared my opponent,
bribed the press to be on my side, and threatened to torture the electorate
if we lost. I fail to see what more a decent politician could have done.
(stomps off)
...
H: And now, finally, a word with the man who is at the centre of this bye-
election mystery: the voter himself. And his name is Mr. E. Bla--
Mr. Blackadder, *you* are the only voter in this rotten borough...?
E: Yes, that's right.
H: How long have you lived in this constituency?
E: Since Wednesday morning. I took over the previous electorate when he, very
sadly, accidently brutally cut his head off while combing his hair.
H: One voter, 16,472 votes -- a slight anomaly...?
E: Not really, Mr. Hanna. You see, Baldrick may look like a monkey who's
been put in a suit and then strategically shaved, but he is a brillant
politician. The number of votes I cast is simply a reflection of how
firmly I believe in his policies.
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