Join the Army: A Pontic AAR

**russia almighty** · 12-24-2007, 20:18

271: The battle continues

So us and the now darker Galatian's are moving forward to knock down the walls . I'm stuck pushing the thing forward . When I thought of battering ram I usually though of something simpler . Anyway the Galatian's are pushing that thing like it's nothing . I guess that's because all of them have been in the world strongest man tournament's .....or was it those mysterious men from the far North West ?

I think our Commander's bodyguards tried gettin some and failed ....hardly. Now look at them . They spend all there time covering there junk . Like those dweeb's have any . They sat back there the whole battle .

Us and Galatian's finally reached the wall's and began knocking the shit out of them .

**Wolfman** · 12-24-2007, 22:51

This is Hilarious! Don't forget to lace some of that herb wit some Sherm loc.
@BerkleyBoi: You got it right. Although you forgot the 25 inch rims and the stereo turned up to the max. I live in the south eastern U.S. and its hilarious to see a car thats the same height as a pick up truck.

**russia almighty** · 12-24-2007, 23:33

The gate was broken down and we charged in . Awaited us were skirmisher's . Obviously the richer squatter's felt they were too good to fight us . A lot more of the knive wielding poor sod's came for us too . I don't know how many of those shank fighter's I killed but I did the world a favor . I wonder how the Carthaginians get anything done against the horde's of them in Iberia. I think it's all the hot women there

After the Theuropoi jumped in the skirmishers finally broke and we cut them down.

This is Ambros a non-pale skinned Galatian reporting in. While my friend Xenophon got stuck fighting skrimishers we got had a good fight against an armored enemy who was numerically superior . I should note despite being a "dirty" barbarian I'm more educated than our Greek friend :) He also doesn't know that I've been doing stuff with his older sister too and I'm only 17 .

After seeing the skirmisher's break the leader of the squatter's advanced to push back the attacker's . At least that's what he hoped .

**The Persian Cataphract** · 12-25-2007, 01:10

Oh yeah, this one rocks. There are too few after action reports focusing on comedy; There's Artaserse's classic "Parthian Wasteland", but other than that the completely gangsta weed-addicted white rapper attitude just works.

Keep it up. Here's a Christmas treat to everyone's favourite Ethiopian

**russia almighty** · 12-25-2007, 01:53

We and the Theuro's pushed forward . My friend Ambros and his boys after killing the Hoplite's were making a flanking maneuver behind them. We pushed the leader's unit apart separating him from his men .

We finally killed him and made our charge towards the square where more enemies met us .

The fighting was brutal . The Galatian's in a rage waded through the line to get to the front to fight. My unit and Ambro's unit was depleted severely . After we won we celebrated first in the square and then on the beaches . Ambros was severely injured so he had to sit them out . The commander with the imperial police forced us out to prevent any sacking .

**russia almighty** · 12-25-2007, 05:08

Xenophon is gonna be losing the gangster attitude very soon . You'll like his replacement and it will be fitting .

Before I go on any idea on how to get those up close face shots that the dude who did wasteland did ?

"By Zeus what the hell happened ?" Ambros said .

"Those Trapzintine's did a number on you buddy . You passed out after we killed the final defender's in the square . Your tunic under your mail was soaked red from all over," a man in the cart said ,"were heading back to Amaseia to get new bodies , get more supplies and probably get ready for another campaign ."

"Ugggh ." Ambros moaned before going back to sleep.

As for me I got out of the battle unscathed . My linen got torn in some places but I didn't get injured . My buddy Ambros got ****ed up pretty bad. Anyway in Trapezous we partied like mad , probably left a bunch of love child's behind and were reinforced by loyal Pezoi class men in the town .

This is everyone's favorite former con-artist here . After that little show in Trapezous the ski resort Ani-Kamah bowed down to the will of Pontic Emperor .I did a little poking around in town and found a few good finds . An boy did I.

I've relocated and we married . I better keep quiet how I might have to be paying child support to that fine lady back in Trapezous . Maybe my new wife will agree to a threesome ....... we can hope .

**russia almighty** · 12-25-2007, 06:36

Coming soon

The Road to Pellas: How Xeonphon , Ambros and others get suckered into a long ass reenlistment .

Anyway my last one for a little while (like 1 day.)

The Road to Anakyra

We marched from Trapezous to meet up with an army. We were getting sent to Anakyra . A barbarian hold out but supposedly there were fine celtic women which made my day .

Like this lady who is Ambro's sister but way more of them .

Anakyra . A name that strikes fear into any warrior . Elite or not . There is a hold out of men (and a couple kids ) who are so hard core that they can fight phalangists with there bare hands. Our seer said only the Jomsvikings who will appear in about 900 years give or take will match them . Even the women are monsters in there own way . They're definitely the epitome of freaks in the bed .

We finally met with the army outside of Amaseia . I met up with Ambros who was doing much better . I also restocked on my Scythican herb on a quick trip to Sinope . My father was happy to see me . I told him , my mom and sister about my adventure in Trapezous . Anyway Ambros doesn't know that I already know he has been messing with my sister . I don't really care but his sister is now fare game for everyone's favorite 19 year old Sinopian .

I also met this dude named ...well I can't really pronounce it . He's from a Nubian who somehow is fighting in the Thorakitai . Speaks in clicks but some how I can understand the click but not his name . That's weird . A gift from Ahura-Mazda-Zeus-Buddha-Yaweh-Thor-2pac?

**MerlinusCDXX** · 12-26-2007, 02:14

Great AAR russia, LMFAO

(little in character comedy)

psst....Xenophon..over here

Ambros said I could find you over here, my name's Pashtarana, I got a present for ya from ole Ambros...this sh!t'll blow your mind man.

before ya go gettin all suspicious like, yeah I'm a foreigner, I'm from Taksashaila, left home 'cause the Horsef*ckers from up north are comin' out of the mountains again. I'm lookin for a few people who are into...ahh, quality herbal supplements, like the Scythian. well anyway this stuff is what the Native Baktrians do with Scyth grass, I hear they send naked people through the fields to get the resin all over them and then they turn it into this stuff somehow, don't know, got it from this Parni kid on my way over here. my cousin decided to stay in Parniland and study at one of their weird fire temples, so he's got the hook-up for me if you guys like it. oh , and Ambros knows your messin with his Sister...he says just don't let his dad catch you...he tried this stuff in the...how you say Healer's tent but not a tent???anyways , he sent you some, and he also told me to ask you if you could put in a word with the boss so I could get a gig as a "forward observer/scout" with your army. (this stuff is only around in limited quantities...and I do need to eat and stuff) dude thanks for your time and do try this (I call it Bhang Haoma, can't pronounce the Baktrian word for it)