A Modest Proposal

[Marshal Murat]

For my English class, we had to write a 'Modest Proposal'. After the fact, I've decided I'm going to continue writing satirical 'modest proposals'. This was the original, so the end it a little more critical than I plan on writing, but thats that.
A Modest Proposal
Original J. Swift

My first...

When one walks down the streets of our fair city, one notices crime, corruption, and a general dirtiness to the city itself. On a national stage, we can also find many examples of bureaucracy slowing down and stopping to accommodate special interest groups, newsgroups, and pundits of all stripes and creeds. This should not be allowed to continue on a state, national, or international level.
As such, we, as a nation, must change the very framework of our nation. As such, I believe the most viable option is to replace all officials with dogs. This would not only speed up the political process, but this would remove the ‘human element’ from all important decisions. The replacement would also significantly cut down on payments to keep senators fed, healthy, content, and would reduce the human impact on the environment.
Now, many of you may be asking some questions about this proposal. No worries, ladies and gentlemen, my ideas represent the cutting edge of several university studies, as well as the Cato Institute and the New York Times. They have all reached the same conclusions that I have, but aren’t willing to express them so boldly.
Now, the first question that appears is, obviously, why canines? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the answer should be obvious for all to see. Since ‘a dog is a man’s best friend’, one cannot fail to recognize the link that dogs have to mankind, and looking out for our best interests. They’ve protected us from bears, wolves, coyotes, and taxmen. Why not protect us now from bureaucracy, nepotism, and oligarchy? Dogs would provide the needed speed and efficiency, sniffing out with their excellent olfactory the very corruption that one fears the most. They are faster than man, and with four paws, able to do twice the work a normal man can do, and with those four paws, they can dig up crime and evil. History has shown that dogs often make good, moral decisions. For example, Wishbone, Lassie, Ren-Tin-Tin, and many others have all shown a strong moral compass and ability to make intelligent decisions.
Canines, while larger than a mouse or chicken, has his own clothes, and requires no palatial mansions but a simple doghouse. Food and water are simple provisions, and the only requirements for congressional pages would be to give them two walks a day.
Using dogs for this position also decreases the size of not only the House, Senate, but the Presidential mansion. Dogs require only four acres for a full Congressional meeting, ensuring that our capital buildings can be shrunken down, and the remaining space be diverted for parks and sunflower preserves, this according to the Wolfington Institute.
This plan would also encourage owners of dogs not to beat them or harm them, for one day a dog, another a Senator. When your future can be affected by these glorious hounds, one would no doubt think twice about fighting pit-bulls. This would also increase the literacy rate in dogs, since many owners would send their loved ones to schools so that they can make informed decisions.
While many may accuse me of being biased towards canines, I will freely admit that this program was created by me to provide for the welfare of the United States, the protection of mankind, and all her institutes, and while my house does have a dog, my sister takes full responsibility for it, and I have no part in it’s welfare.
One hopes that this idea will meet with general approval, but being realistic means that one has to recognize this will be a long struggle. No longer will dogs be a secondary member of society, but will be the decision makers in our society. Even this year, we have made the first step, with a candidate that has no doubt often worn a leash, Hillary Clinton.

[mrdun]

A mosest proposal for dogs eh? not bad.

[Marshal Murat]

In this great nation of ours, I've met many people, of many creeds, races, religions, and mothers. Now, as we progress through this century, we cannot refrain any longer, from the terrible issue that confronts us today. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we can see the very devil before us, his glittering black eyes sparkling between two slices of rye or wheat. We face an issue that has faced many citizens of this nation since the Earl of Sandwich did create such an object. Yes, I am talking about an abomination on this green Earth. An ill-made sandwich.

Ah! I see you cringe at the very thought of such a concoction touching your taste buds! I did think so to, as I feared the deli and Subway. Who knows when such an event could strike? I think we all remember the "French 'wich Fiasco" of 1977 when several ill-made French dips caused riots and violence. Or, need I remind you of the "Moscow Incident" earlier this year, when two deli workers decided to make some very terrible sandwiches for their customers. They still, yes, still, are cleaning the blood from the very walls of that establishment.

Now, you may fear this terrible creation, and so you should. I was a sanwichophobe for several years after I got an order mixed up with someone else's. Then, I found the magical wonder of, what the Americans call, a burger. You all may wonder why this is such a unique creation. Have we all not had a burger before, and felt the same apprehension at the thought of chewing into such a meal? I did too, before I met a very interesting Floridian, who proposed a 'Cheeseburger in Paradise', a most delicious meal. I have been informed, by this same Floridian, of other restaurants that provide 'Whoppers' and 'McBurgers'. No, as you sit there, shaking your head, you'll understand my enthusiasm. For, as I listened to him talk on, I realized that a burger would suitably replace a sandwich.

Now you may ask the obvious question, why replace a sandwich with a burger? It's quite simple, actually.
They both have buns that compress the meal between them. Like a sandwich. A burger has meat in the middle, like many of our favorite culinary sandwiches. But a burger is warm, and moist, and juicy, and can be enhanced, ladies and gentlemen, by lettuce, tomato, or ketchup. While I have no idea what we have to catch-up with, I can assure you that once you've found it, it is a delight. But you are all asking how can I provide you with such a delicious meal. It's quite simple.

First, you go to you nearest 'McDonalds', 'Burger King' or 'Wendys'. They have any variety of 'burgers' that are fresh and warm. Do not fear the bright signs or the 'Americans' inside, but embrace it as your own. You will not again be disappointed at a deli, disenfranchised at a Subway, or hurt by the missing ingredient. Go for a burger, ladies and gentlemen. Get them a Whopper!

[Ludens]

It was going to say, "good job", until you posted that bit about hamburgers .

Just kidding. Good job .

[Marshal Murat]

In recent news, one cannot help but realize the unfortunate news that creeps out of Eastern Europe. That is the desperate threat of nuclear war and weapon defense. We have all heard the two sides of the story, of the nuclear defenses in Poland and Russian objections to the idea. Clearly both sides have continued to look at the issue incorrectly. The most effective way to prevent nuclear missiles from causing destruction is a simple plan call SPLAT.

Now, you may wonder, what does SPLAT mean? It is an acronym for

Silo
Partner
Laser
Anti
Tornado

As this acronym comes to light, it clearly needs some explaining. Unfortunately, due to CIA, FBI, KGB, MI5, and BBC censorship, we can only reveal these details.
Using breaking edge technology, Denmark has put forward a plan to place anti-missile sites beside nuclear launch silos. By building the anti-missile site beside nuclear launch sites, we not only remove the problem of placing the missile shield in Poland or Slovak, and we also prevent nuclear launches.
This plan, while still under wraps, will be greeted with great applause by all when it is announced.

[Good Ship Chuckle]

Maybe I should change my signature to:
BABIES
It's what's for dinner.