HRE- Blitz All Provinces

[Askthepizzaguy]

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This is the official thread for askthepizzaguy's ultimate HRE campaign against the entire world. Please refer to the following link for the Blitz All Provinces challenge, rules and posted results from challengers. Please upload your challenges to the official Blitz All Challenge thread.

https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?t=97814 Blitz All Challenge

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The Campaign opens with a sudden attack on Florence to crush the rebel spirits there, while pushing into position an assault force for Milan.



Also, pushing towards Zagreb to block in the Venetians/Hungarians.



The predictable assaults on Hamburg and Magdeburg.



I welcome oppurtunities for alliance. Florins, maps, trade rights, and military access in exchange for what... promises I won't keep?



Turn two: an adopted general for the Holy Reich. He will push towards Prague.



Our mission has always BEEN to take magdeburg. Love the troop incentive, though.



Bye, bye Florence.



Standard assault formation. Archers spread out, spears in the back, general at the ready. Weakest unit gets the ram.



The gates are smashed, and any resistance has fled the scene due to our arrows.



I charge PAST the enemy towards the town center... I outflank them with spears from behind as they turn to face the Kaiser.

Think they can win? I doubt it.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Certainly not without their leader.



Leave none alive... I loathe running the clock to win victory. I did that only once.



A new veteran warrior and another chivarly point for the Kaiser.



Captain Markus outnumbers the garrison at Hamburg with better troops to boot.



Training knights in my castles... moving to checkmate the Milanese fools.



Magdeburg and Prague fall next turn.



A stroke of good fortune, or merely my skills? I moved a worthless peasant towards Rome to invite them to send a diplomat. The gambit pays off.



Zagreb falls to the might of the Reich's... 21 soldiers?



It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
Ev'rywhere you go

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Take a look at the red blood glistening once again
With heavy lances and and swords aglow.



It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Bodies sprawled in every corner



But the prettiest sight to see is the Kaiser that will be
On your own front door.



A pair of Bodyguards and a horse that gallops fast
Is the wish of Leopold



Rebels that will talk and will go for a walk
Is the hope of Leopolds men;



And the general can hardly wait for this battle to come to an end.
It's beginning to look a lot like Victory
Fought well out in the snow



There's a victory for our men, for the rebels were too slow again
Probably because it's twenty degrees below



It's beginning to look a lot like Victory
Soon the crusade will start



And the thing that will make them merry is the sword that I will bury
Right through your heart.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Milan is bullied by a gang of the Kaiser's finest.



Charge!



An honourable victory, my Holy Kasier!



Let this Count Bernardo perish on the field, with his throat opened for the crows.



This battle hardly seems fair.



Life isn't always fair.



Maximillian Mandorf joins the crusade and takes Prague with crusaders!



Another V for the HRE



I take Breslau in the same turn. O fortune, why hast thou smiled upon me?



Advancing North.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

I cannot quite push these idiots off of my land yet...



Another honourable man is ready to be made a general.



Time to crush the schwein!



Don't let your opponent suffer. Cut off his head.



Outflanked, outmanned, outmatched.



I have such delightful arrows to rain down upon thee, and spears to impale you with should you attempt to resist.



The fools go down fighting. Their bravery does not make up for their idiocy. A brave fool is just a dead fool.



Another dead fool slain by the Reich.



Von Kassel brings this battle to a close.



And so ends the short history of Milan. Just the first of many vermin to be exterminated by the Holy Reich!

EDIT: Captions completed on this post

[Askthepizzaguy]

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Leopold assembles a neat little rabble, and prepares to set off by sea to attack the byzantines.



Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Yeah, zoom zoom. My Kaiser is on a one way trip to Arguin.



Oslo, here I come...



Die, you rebel scum.



An heroic victory over our inferiors.



That Danish guy thinks he can beat the Reich to Antwerp... he's wrong!



NOW I take Bern. Simple matter with crusaders.



Oh what fun it is to die.... by the hands of peasant archers?



Outnumbered, we conquer.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

I adopt you, and I adopt you, and I also adopt you.... mmmm Generals.



More knights to recruit? Sure! My cities love to assist in the battle against the Reich's enemies.



All too easy.



Those 11 men did not die in vain.



How to make a general, part one:

First, find wandering rebels.

Then, attack with a captain.

Part two: uh... that's all.



-What about our infantry, sire?

-Just attack with the horses... who needs them?



I cut off your head and flatulate down your throat.



Another clear victory.



Captain Wenzel just got promoted.



I skip on down to smash those Corinthians.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Stettin falls to the might of the armies of Christ.



Not bad for an auto-res. Time's a wastin.



Quick recap: Turn 5, 17 provinces taken. Could have been more, but I'm speeding towards the map's four corners.



Speedy...



Speedy...



Aaaaaaand more speedy...



And another adoptee...



And another Teutonic knights guild...



And another clear victory...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

And another...



And another...



Zippity zop flippity flop and that's what the jazz is all about. You see, jazz is like kodak film. No, wait. Jazz is like jell-o pudding. These kids today with the hippity hop and the backwards hats and the baggy pants.



Oslo always puts up a good fight.



Stockholm, not so much.



Riga, even less so.



I fought in Granada, man.



Ja, my Sultan, the Reich appreciates your death.



More fools to put down...



Charge.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Be a good little boy and die, already.



The Prince follows his father's example and expires.



Bwahahaha... I use the Danes to help take the city. What idiots.



And that's what the Reich is all about.



Mmm... Rennes Zellwegger.

Maybe you don't think she's cute, but I do.



I take Bordeaux before the Spanish.



Could have left the crusade, here... but I have something else in mind... total annihilation of the French.



Another seige... another win. Bit repetitive.



Another gate falls.



Another captain slain. All in a days work.

EDIT: Captions completed for this post

[Askthepizzaguy]

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Same old, same old.



To Antioch.



Another adoptee...



Cordoba falls to overwhelming forces...



as does Thessalonica...



Another V...



Another captain-led battle...



Another general...



YAY! A real garrison to fight, for a change! Go Belgians!



The gates will fall.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

And so they have fallen.



Watch me plow through them.



Charge past them, turn around, surround n pound.



67% dead already. One third left.



Very gutt. What else do you want me to kill?



A great victory for the glory of the Holy Reich!



Turn 8, regions controlled, 30. I would have had more by now, but I am heading for the corners of the map.



No caption needed here.



A very hard fought battle against horse archers ends in victory for the Reich.



The Jourdanian ambassador wishes to speak to you, mein Kaiser.

-Just kill him, already!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Another captain led battle against neutral Spain.



Another general.



Death to Russia.



Guess what happens next. Come on, guess.



Yeah, that's right. I promote one of my generals to family member.



Let's see... 691 men, with artillery, infantry, archers, and heavy cavalry, versus 60 cavalry. Odds are... even?
Someone fix the auto calculator.



Why do people even bother building gates?
This is one of the few times I use ballista.



Their Doge is slain by militia men.



They do put up a fight before I put them to their deaths...



Quick seige of Acre and I will head towards my goal.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Another pathetic province for me to take. I would have thought this particular city would be worth more than that. Supposedly an ancient trading hub... reduced to a portless little castle wannabe.



I slay rebels to promote another.



Adolf Who?



More Teutons.



Moving on...



Getting tedious...



Holy God... A REAL FIGHT!!! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!



Guess who wins. Come on, guess.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Yeah that's right. I slew them ALL. Every last one of them. No "running the clock out" victory.



I killed a few more of them than they did of me.



Checkmate in two.



Prepared to take Denmark.



Russians lose to crusades. It's that simple.



Need I say more?



Taking Jerusalem.



The Kaiser goes on his mystical journey, wandering the desert for 40 years.



Wolfgang is a good name for the leader of a pack of vicious killing machines.



36 regions by turn 10. Not bad. Could have been better... 4 corners of the map and such.

Edit: Captions complete on this post!

[Askthepizzaguy]

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

No caption needed.



Anyone else getting Deja vu?



A pleasure to have metz you.



And another victory.



It wasn't necessary to rush to take these, the corners determine the turn of the win, not the interior provinces.



A simple diversion while I wait for the crusade to end, and then take over Sicily.



Hey look, it's our friends the Holy Roman Empire, arriving with gifts of artillery for us. How nice of them!



And with such heavy infantry, the seige is all too easy.
Err... well, I did have some knights on foot. That's very rare.



my middle name is victory.



MMMMM... Pillaging Florins...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

I take Damascus, I take Antioch...



I take Moscow.



Running short on time and troops.



Could I possibly... win... this battle?



Come on, it's not like the first question on Millionaire. This one was a tough call.



Russia goes down in a blaze of stupidity.



Rebels need to learn how to attack. Otherwise I can get away with things like this.



Money is good.



Wanna see me win this battle?
No, I pull a Sir Robin and run away. I take Nicaea, though.



Turn 12.... things are about to go DOWN today.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

I was betrayed by France? The shame! Who cares?



No comment.



No comment. All too easy.



Slay captain. Keep moving.



Finish them.



Can you say... checkmate?



And... promotion?



Do my Teutons even need backup?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Smashy smashy!



Leave none alive...



Captain Elderberries smells kind of like your father.



I'm not kidding. His name is Hajji.



And another one bites the dust.



Rasputin puts a killin on them.



Holy Crusade, batman!



Only 9 chivalry? Could do better...



Yeah, don't want to leave him here. Antioch might explode. Check out the authority, glory, and fear bonuses.
What's excommunication, and why should I care?


Things are about to get even bloodier. Watch this.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

DIE!



And... dead.



Pope doesn't seem to care that I'm a mass murderer.



DIE!



Yeah, that's right. I am soooo fighting this battle.
CHAAAAAAARGE!!!!



Pull over honey, I think we hit something.



Takes care of everyone but the Roi.



Cue the Braveheart music.



Charge! Charge! Charge!



Mmm... downhill, overwhelming heavy cavalry charge.

Edit: captions completed on this post!

[Askthepizzaguy]

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

you could save the frames and watch the slide show in super slow motion.



Look closely. My general kills their general. Nifty!



There were French people here? I didn't even notice.



Uh... yeah. Could win this battle, but not gonna try. Need troops against French for now.



Another one spawns.



I take another province.



Leopold wins again.



Yeah I had some cash to burn, so I thought... why not invest in our future? The income is badly needed now.



Welf gonna kill you.



Thank you for being dead.



43 by turn 12. Could be better.



Not too shabby. This record has been beaten, but honestly I wasn't even going for it. I was heading for a long term victory.

But then again... why not try to make it better? Let's redo turn 11. Needs improvement.

We're almost at the halfway point.

Edit: Captions finished on this post.

[Askthepizzaguy]

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Ok, redoing turn 11. Looking for a massive KO.



Planning to finish the Venetian scum.



Jerusalem falls once again, for the first time. Much better outcome.



Guess who attacked a crusading army? I'm telling the Pope on your excommunicated expletive deleted.



Redo with fewer losses. No auto calc.



Smashy.



.....



Another one dies.



Not a bad finish.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Zipping on down.



Let's try a different route.



Mmmm... killing while outnumbered is fun.



Run away!



Slay them all, men.



And so on.



Death-filled carnage.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Surprise! Another general. You're not surprised, are you?



And another one.



Sure, why not.







See how they excommunicated themselves... ambushing a crusader stack.




Just plain foolish.




They rout, of course.




Another death.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

They throw their lives away like lemmings.




You no attack Holy armies.



Snatch!



Did you feel something? Nah, it was probably just the wind generated by the swinging of my sword.



Yep, another one. Oh, there will be more.



Quiet Riot.



Simple.




You're gonna die, clown!




The smell of burning flesh... mmm toasty.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

And so... the real fun begins again.



A better outcome this time.



And you can die.



Today's broadcast was brought to you by the letter V and the number You're Gonna Die Clown.



Check.



Capture.



Seige.



Victory.



Check.



Double Check.

Edit: Captions done.