First, let me explain the background behind the reason for this thread.

Last year on June 21st, my dear friend Joe took his own life. The reasons for this are many, but one of the major reasons was due to something i did. In other words, he killed himself in part due to my actions. He was truly my best friend. More than a friend, people described us more as brothers than friends. I've been able to show as if i'm coping with it, but on the inside i'm in perpetual turmoil. I can cope with the guilt from having been a major factor in his death, but i can't cope with his actual death. I can't cope with the fact that i no longer see his goofy grin everyday. I can't cope with the fact that all those moments are now only remembered by me.

And thus, here i find myself. Alone on a strange continent, drinking myself silly at least once a week, lamenting my loss. Alone. It's like i've lost my soulmate.

What do i do, .Orgahs? What do i do?

At points, combined with my sadness at the loss of Joe, i just feel like i can't go on. I manage to drag myself onwards, see the better things in life, but at times like now, with my current family situation, i just can't see those better things. Everything good in my life is slowly being lost, just out of my reach never to be touched again.

My life is literally falling apart before my eyes, because one ******* took a comment too seriously and got tipped over the edge, destroying the lives of those closest to him.

God help me.

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You have clearly been punished enough. Stop hurting yourself. This is your life, not Joe's. So stop it right there.

Consider your lost friendship as a promise. You can make good on it by being a dependable friend to others. I guess that may be your real problem: that you don't want to commit because you don't want to go through this ever again. Trust me, you won't. You've learned your lesson. Now move on.

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Try to move on. Go to mass and ask God to forgive both of you. Try to move on. Words didn't do this to your friend.

My friend passed in an instant last year and that hurt enough. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I said something that I regretted right before it happened.

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If its just you remembering him, then do something productive and for instance look at old photos and videos and see if you can create a collage to tribute him, showing others how much he meant to you and sharing the pain.

That way you make his death mean something and also have something to cheer you up.

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FactionHeir - his death meant nothing though. His death was an idiotic spur of the moment thing that completely mine and other peoples lives. I can't make it mean anything because i only have a few, very cherished, old pictures of him.

TuffStuff - i appreciate what you're saying, but i don't do religion. Yes, i believe in God, but i don't follow any religion. I worship him in my own way, and don't believe he gets angry because i accidentally got my friend to kill himself. He just gives us guilt as a way of learning, and helping us make our own decisions about our actions. Yay free will. You're right though about not knowing how you'd feel if you influenced your friends actions. It's awful, and you don't ever want to know how it feels.

Adrian - it's not that i'm punishing myself, it's just that no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i force myself, i can't bring myself to cope with. Our lives were so intertwined that it's like a piece of me died with him. And when you go through something as major as that, you end up feeling like you're dead to the world. You're completely alone.

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I have no edit button, so i'll fix this here.

[quote]his death meant nothing though. His death was an idiotic spur of the moment thing that *completely ruined mine* and other peoples lives. I can't make it mean anything because i only have a few, very cherished, old pictures of him.

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Oh, I wasn't quite sure whether your paragraph 2 and 6 were the same person or not. I assumed they were different...

In that case, don't blame yourself. Think about why it ruined your life and why you feel so down about it (besides that you think its your fault). Then you can tackle the issue.

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