Diary of a diplomat, the full series (re-edit)

[rebelscum]

Here begins the tale of Akhaenniut Philopater a much put upon servant of the Pharaoh (and anyone else who pays his wages)

250 B.C East of nowhere

Akha: Sire, my name is Akhaenniut Philopater, *clears throat*, your obedient servant *bows*. I come before you today to bring an offer from glorious Pharaoh. Trade rights between yourselves and Egypt would bring vast wealth to both our countries ....
Fat foreign family member: *Pompously* Well would it now, Achnut Philowhassit. Maybe your Pharaoh wants to stitch us up for another 3000 denarii, like you did six months ago with your phoney map information scam!
Akha: *looks aghast* By Isis and Osiris I assure you that map information was legitimate sire. I myself was sold it in good faith. And if it pleases your honour, my name is Akhaenniut , the K is pronounced 'k' as in basket, not ch as in lunch.
FFFM: *curtly* It doesn't please me .. and whatever! The bloody map was blank!
Akha: Well, it was a map of the Eastern desert sire; deserts 'are' known for their featureless qualities ...
FFFM: *confused by logic* That aside, I'm still pissed.
Akha: *bows*, maybe I could compensate you by offering your grace a regular tribute.
FFFM *munching on chicken leg*: Sounds good Achnut! Ow much?
Akha: *quietly to himself* Its 'k', ' not ch'. *loudly* ten denarii every six months for five years.
FFFM: *scrathes head* Ow much does that work out as?
Akha: *gets out abacus and busies himself*: one thousand denarii your grace.
FFFM: You sure? *searches for an excuse for incompetence* Anyways, erm, my mathematician has died, strangely enough just after drinking some of that spiced wine your Pharaoh sent me. Gives me chronic heartburn, so I didn't have any myself.
Akha: Yes quite sure your honour. *Extravagantly* You will be covered in gold sire. You can buy a fine dress from the grand bazaar for that little servant girl you have your eye on.
FFFM: *sheepishly*: What do you know about me and the little servant girl?
Akha: Nothing sire. However I can get you a cheap deal on perfume gifts this month, only 50 denarii. *winks* It is reputed to send the women wild with the lust of a thousand rabbits, if you know what I mean.
FFFM: *embarassed* Shut it minion!
Akha: Your honour *bows*.
FFFM: I think your a bit of a w 'ankh' er, Aknut! *royal court laughs along with bad joke*. (To all) I always wanted to do that one.
Akha: *bows low* Your highness has the wit of a Camelus dromedarius.
FFFM: Thank you ... I think. *looks pleased with himself*.
Akha: On the subject of gifts, my lord. My most glorious Pharaoh has a gift for you.
FFFM: I'm intrigued A 'k' hnut. *sarcasticly* Pray tell, what is this gift? And make it snappy.
Akha: A gift of information sire, and with the blessings of the most high god RA himself, may I relate it to you.
FFFM: What part of 'make it snappy don't you understand!'.
Akha:*ignores FFFM and continues loquaciously* Your highness must have heard rumours of a Rebel faction deep within our terrirory, who have an absolute hatred for you, your empire and everything you stand for.
FFFM: *angrily* No ... who are these bastards!?
Akha: *thinks* They call themselves the ... 'youranassholeians'. A most foul and evil tribe that must have spewed from the rectal passage of the great god Set himself. They spend the whole day concocting nasty things to say about your highness, and scrawl lewd effigies of you upon the rocks.
FFFM: Effigies like what!?
Akha: Well one of the most well known is of your highness bending over a stable door, whilst a rampant bull takes pleasure with your ...
FFFM: *Cuts him short* .... I get the picture. And you say these bitches live in your territory do you.
Akha: Yes sire, the 'bitches' do. *allows a pause to let FFFM formulate his own ideas*
FFFM: Would your Pharaoh give us leave to march our armies through his lands?
Akha: *With pre-rehearsed aplomb* Indeed sire, with the provision of only 3000 denarii.
FFFM: Done!! *shouts to all* Saddle up boys, we've got some rebels to trounce!. Where exactly do these rebels live by the way?
Akha: Your highness ... *moves close* Well there's this valley you see, it leads to a cul de sac where the vile rebel village is located. With high sided cliffs the only way in is via a small track .. so you would have to dismount and leave the horses outside .......

[rebelscum]

The month of Set 252 BC, Pharaohs palace, Memphis
Teenage Pharaoh: Akhaennuit, my most influential diplomat. Mother asks, *reads quickly from scroll*,
What news from Sidon?
Have we broken the seige?
Are my armies victorious?
Are those Seleucid dogs running for the hills as my magician has predicted?
Do you have the head of Gyras the Handsome spiked at the gates for all transgressors to see?
*breathes*
Have the Parthian hyenas been crushed in the Assyrian desert by my magnificent cavalry?
*closes scroll*
And most importantly, did you bring me the throwing stick I wanted?
Akha: *calmly* Your honour .. yes and no.
Teenage Pharaoh: What do you mean yes and no! I shall not have evil news this day. Mother has already been on at me about the state of my chambers and I am not in a good mood.
Akha: Your glorious incarnate of Horus, allow me to explain. Since your honour ingeniously decided to make war on the Seleucid Empire, the Parthians and the Numidians all in the space of a week, all because they wouldn't agree to your idea of turning the southern and eastern shores into a tourist resort for Germanian and Britannian barbarians. I have marched for days across the dryest deserts, spent many nights in the most flea infested quarters Jerusalem has to offer. My feet have blisters the size of camel humps, I've been chased by dogs, bitten by rats the size of cats.
*pinching fingers* I came this close to co-starring with 'Goliath the lion with the biggest teeth in the world' in the mothly games at Antioch, and I have a nasty case of herpes to boot!
Teenage Pharaoh: I'm not liking your tone! Anyway if you don't like it, I can always find some other diplomat who does.
Akha: *bows low* *meekly* Your majesty, I was just relating to you how hard I have been working for your glorious benefit.
Teenage Pharaoh: Sounds to me like you've been slacking off! Anyways you still haven't answered my question. I'm bored, I want it and I want it now. Get on with it or I book 'Goliath the lion with the biggest teeth in the world' to do a tour of Egypt, and guess who will be there at opening night.
Akha: Your honour. *very cautiously* Sire, as for Sidon, the walls of Sidon have fallen and the Seleucids have ravaged the city, killed your cousin Khnumhoptep, his entire family, retinue and even his slaves. His head is spiked upon the gates for all transgressors to see.
Your planned attack in Assyria has failed, the Parthians have ambushed your cavalry and slaughtered them man and horse. Your court magician has run off, talking with him almost all of the entire gold reserve and your bride to be. A vast Numidian army set on total desturction of your empire marches on Alexandria .. even now your fleet is burning in the harbour. A great plague has infested all of Egypt, and the slaves are revolting. We, your honour, are all doomed.
Teenage Pharaoh: *eyes the air and sucks finger in exasperation* Have you got the stick or not?
Akha: *takes out stick and hands it to the boy* Yes sire, do I ever fail you.
Teenage Pharaoh: *whirls stick with glee* Nope. Now go out and sort out that other stuff for me. Mummy said I could have friends round for tea, and I want to practice my stick.
Akha: *backs away courteously* Your honour.

[rebelscum]

A small and rather unpleasant looking mottle and daub hut somewhere outside Eburacum 253 B.C (York - England)
*Rain rain and more rain, two down trodden diplomats prop up the bar* (yes its the first pub in England, and they haven't changed much since)

Ata (A Dacian diplomat): *stirs a bowl of cold porridge* So Akha, how long have you been here on this pig sty of an island?
Akha: Too long .. almost two years in fact. Ever since Pharaoh thought that an alliance with these stinking barbarians would give the Romans *spits* something to think about before launching an invasion upon us.
Ata: So it’s taken you two years to forge this alliance?
Akha: *lays head on arms* Well, it has been a lot harder than you would think. Every time I come close to any alliance agreement, these barbarians get excited, drop everything and rush off to invade some neighboring province. More often than not, the barbarian king dies in some tremendously brave but completely idiotic charge into massed ranks of Roman spearmen, and I have to start negotiating all over again. Even if I possessed all the magical powers of Isis herself, I don't think I could make this alliance work.
Ata: So Pharaoh won't be pleased then?
Akha: That is putting it lightly. The last diplomat who came back without an alliance ended up singing soprano with the 'Memphis eunuch quartet'.
Ata: *grimaces* What are you going to do?
Akha: Make my way slowly back through Gaul, maybe take in the sites. I like Gaul, at least the great god RA in his munificence casts his holy visage upon the ground once in a while. I don't think he even knows this place exists. *daydreams* For some palatable food and wine *licks lips*. I mean look at this slop, what do they call this, 'porr-idge'. I wouldn't feed this elephant dung to my worst enemy.
Ata: I know what you mean. *eyes his bowl suspiciously and picks out a fly* Oh to be back in Dacia. I had a smallholding near Segestica. I was going to farm pigs you know. Intelligent creatures pigs, smart like dogs!
Akha: Had?
Ata: Well since the Romans invaded and exterminated everyone and everything they came across, down to the smallest insect. There is nothing really to go back to.
Akha: By Osiris, that is a shame. These Romans, what is it that drives them to want conquer and rule over all the world?. It is as if some divine despotic hand were controlling their every action ...
Ata: Heh, yes, the all conquering Romans. I know a small village of indomitable Gauls that .....
Akha: *shies away from plagiarism* So since the Romans conquered your faction, that technically makes you unemployed.
Ata: Well, I like to say, between jobs.
Akha: I'd like to get out of this diplomat lark myself, but I don't really know what else I could do. My brother has a nice little business embalming cats in Thebais.
Ata: Embalming cats, great. What's the money like?
Akha: Not bad, overheads are low. Well to tell the truth it’s a bit of a con really.
Ata: How so?
Akha: Well the thing is, these embalmed cats are meant to be placed in tombs along with the dead. So my brother goes along with the assumption that the buyer isn't likely to unwrap the bandages beforehand to make sure that they are really getting a cat.
Ata: I see. What are they getting?
Akha: Anything that comes to hand really, old bones, stones, sticks, bits of rope. There is quite a shortage of cats in Egypt, a lot of hungry people. The gist of it is, as long as it looks like a cat, the punters are happy. I just hope that Osiris sees the funny side when they reach the afterlife.
Ata: Ho.
*Two surly looking Britons enter the Inn*
Ata: Look out, here come the locals. Check out the hair!
Akha: Why do you think they call them barb 'hairy ones'.
Ata: Its not so much the hair, it's all the woad they smear on themselves. I mean, walking around with bright blue genitals is not my idea of a good time.
Akha: Well in this country my genitals are permanently blue with the cold. I looked at my manhood the other day, and I swear it was two inches shorter than before I got here.
*The locals plonk themselves down at a table within earshot*
Akha: Time to go I think. (To all) Your honours, may the great goddess Isis bless and keep you safe this day.

Barbarian one: What did he say? Something about 'we being honest' and 'his blessed eyes saving the day'.
Barbarian two: Yeah, bloody foreigners, why don't they just go home!

[rebelscum]

254 B.C A Roman Legionary Camp just outside Tarsus
Roman General Silvius Servus: (just ending his pre-battle speech with gusto) .. remember, you men are the best of the best, and we Romans shall conquer .. THE WORLD!
*triumphant shouts and clashing of shields*
Akha: *walks up escorted by a sentry and bows low* Sire .. if I may interrupt your grand speech for a second. I bring you a ceasefire treaty from great Pharaoh.
SS: *turns to face Akha* What's this? Ahh, so the cur wants to surrender does he! *with great bravado so all can hear* Well you can tell him from me that he can stick his treaty where the sun doesn't shine. Nobody gets away from the invincible Silvius Servus that easily. Do they men!
*rowdy cheers*
Akha: Actually your honour. Pharaoh would like you to know that his army of crack troops outnumbers your compliment twenty to one, and funnily enough has you completely surrounded. He would also like you to know that your strategic position is untenable. If you haven't already noticed, *gestures around* you have set up camp in a featureless valley, with absolutely no means of egress. You have few rations for a prolonged siege, and by the god awful stench, no sanitation either. Oh yes, before I forget, if you look at that long dark line that stretches from one end of this valley to the other. That consists of no less than a thousand archers, who impatiently await the order to let fly upon this fort in .. erm ..*looks up at sun* .. about five minutes. However, to save un-needed bloodshed, great Pharaoh offers you the option to drop your weapons, withdraw your paultry forces from this region, and take your sorry behinds back to Rome on the first ship that passes.
SS: *face red with anger* H .. ho .. how dare the blackguard transgress against the glorious might of Rome. *bombastically* I the noble Silvius Servus who won the battle of lower Galatia .. who captured and sacked the city of Ancyra .. beloved of both the people and the Senate, l .. l .. leave the field of glory .. NEVER. The taking of Tarsus willl be my shining hour *raises sword*. *eyes close into daydream* Then I shall return to Rome in glory, be covered in gold and given a seat in the senate where I belong! . *with renewed vigour* Listen not to this 'son of a desert jackal' men. Just this morning I made offerings to the gods, and my seers have read the entrails of a sacred chicken. They all tell me the ides (portents) are well in our favour. Tell Pharaoh to prepare himself for an almighty thrashing! Isn't that right men?
*a few doubtful yays*
Akha: Sire, *smugly* from what I hear, the battle of Galatia was fought between your Roman legions and a witless band of pox ridden peasants, average age fifty nine, whos arsenal consisted of nothing more than a sharpened stick and a small bag of rocks. As for Ancyra, I wouldn't call three mottle and daub huts with adjacent cow field .. a city. In fact, your honour, isn't it true that your last command was slaughtered to man by a band of lightly armed rebels, whilst you quit the field and fled for the hills as soon as you noticed it wasn't going .. erm .. quite as you planned.
*subtle sound of pilums dropping to the ground*
SS: *nonplussed* Lies, damn lies. I should cut out your tongue minion and hear no more of your devious prattle. I the illustrious Silvius Servus with my crack legionaries will prevail. See for yourself, you cannot weaken the resolve of these proud brave Romans, every one a hero, isn't that right men .... men *turns to see large cloud of dust heading towards the coast*
Akha: One final thing your honour. We intercepted a rider carrying this rather interesting message addressed to you from the head of the senate .. if I may. *takes out scroll and clears throat*
It reads, and I quote .. Silvius you great big lumbering oaf. If 'you' don't get your finger out of your bloody backside and actually conquer something more fitting to the might of the 'Roman Empire' than a small backwoods hamlet with adjacent cow field. By Jupiter, I will have you tied up and dragged back to Rome by your bleeding ears ... blah blah blah ... Circus Maximus ... blah blah blah ... flayed to the bone ... blah blah ... arms and legs pulled off by horse drawn chariots.
.. shall I continue?
SS: *shaken and lost for words*
Akha: You better hurry up or you might miss the boat, your honour.

[rebelscum]

Sometime 252 B.C Pharaohs palace, Memphis
New Pharaoh: Ahh, Akhaenniut Philopater, I see you have returned swiftly from Nabataea. I hope that my bribe of two thousand denarii was sufficient to secure the city of Bostra. As you well know, the city is of upmost importance in my plans against the Parthians. I have one thousand troops committed, ready to move in and prepare the defences.
Akha: *lowest of bows* Indeed sire. Unfortunately, there has been a slight 'technical' hitch.
Pharaoh: *puzzled* What sort of technical hitch?
Akha: *meekly* The governor of Bostra now wants twenty thousand denarii, or 'they will attack', your highness.
Pharaoh: *livid* Twenty thousand denarii!! And how in the name of Isis can they warrant that amount?
Akha: *stands* Well your honour, allow me to break it down for you. *takes out scroll* To begin with, seven thousand buys you the city and surrounding lands, councilors chambers, municipal buildings, farms etc etc. Five thousand buys you the governor, his family, his retinue, diplomats, spys, slaves and so on. Four thousand buys his army captains, their troops and most importantly their loyalty. You may also want to allow some money to re-equip them. Three thousand buys the secret police, minor officials, harbour master, judges and priests, who control the population and the trade. One thousand will buy food and festivities, such as the throwing of games, this will definitely sway the population. You wouldn't want them to be displeased about the takeover, or you may find yourself with a rebellion on your hands sire. A few other minor bits and pieces, but that's about it!
Pharaoh: *ponders* I still think its way too much! However Akhaenniut, you are my most trusted advisor, what do 'you' think?
Akha: *with aplomb* I would say, 'take the deal' sire. Remember how important the city is to your strategic position in the region. You cannot however afford a prolonged siege sire, as the armies of Parthia will soon be approaching. As I see it, there really is no time to loose.
Pharaoh: Ok, as you have so eloquently explained the position, twenty thousand it is! Go to the treasury and draw as much gold as you need.
Akha: *quickly* I will also need another one thousand denarii for expenses sire.
Pharaoh: *slaps forehead* More money!, where will it end?. *resigned* Ok, just get the deal done, and do not fail me!.
Akha: *bows even lower than before* Your honour.
~Ten minutes later outside the palace~
Akha: Ok, here's your two thousand denarii. *roughly hands over bag of gold* Pharaoh says 'take it or leave it' or there will be trouble, Kapish!
Governor of Bostra: *timidly* Ok .. ok. I must say, your Pharaoh drives a hard bargain.
Akha: Indeed. Now you better be out by morning, or as I warned you, our armies will be storming the walls by noon.
Governor: Tell exalted Pharaoh the city of Bostra is his.
Akha: *smirks* You can be sure about that.

[rebelscum]

Beautiful city of Athens 251 B.C The Imperial palace
Akha: *laying it on thick as usual* Your most gracious eminence. I bring sincere greetings and presents from your old friend and most trusted ally, the glorious incarnate of Horus and ruler of Egypt, Pharaoh.
Counsilus Taxus, Emperor of the Greek Cities: Welcome Akhaenniut Philopater, it is good to see you again. Please convey my kind regards to Pharaoh, my old friend and most trusted ally.
Akha: *bows* Indeed I will sire. Now may I present you with Pharaohs gift.
CT: *gracious wave* Please go ahead.
Akha: *Takes present from bag* With the blessings of Pharaoh, I present you with this toy puppet made by the finest toymakers in Egypt.
CT: *aghast* A .. p .. p .. puppet. What is Pharaoh trying to say? He thinks I'm a puppet doesn't he! Well if anyones a puppet ruler it's him. At least I didn't take my country by force!
Akha: *bows* I am sure Pharaoh meant nothing but good will your highness.
CT: *angry* Well you can tell Pharaoh from me, the time has come for this alliance to end. No Greek shall ever be ridiculed before his people!
Akha: That is a great shame. *meekly* There is one more thing your honour.
CT: *snaps* What is it?, make it quick before I have you flogged.
Akha: Pharaoh wishes you to know that your beautiful daughter, who as you know is on a tour of our great country, is with child!
CT: *positively livid* Pregnant, my precious daughter! Who would dare to defile the fairest flower of all Greekdom?
Akha: The 'bunmaker' is unknown sire. However, great Pharaoh wishes you to know that he will marry her, but only with the provision of fifty thousand denarii.
CT: *jumps out of chair shouting* He's gone too far this time the bastard! Tell him to prepare himself for all out WAR!! Now remove yourself from this place before I have you beheaded and your entrails fed to the dogs!
Akha: Your honour *backs away bowing*.. I shall return your decision to Pharaoh!

~City of Memphis, Pharaohs palace, almost a week later~
Pharaoh: *In the pink* I don't know how you did it Akhaenniut Philopater! I've been waiting ages to make war on those Greek bastards, with their airs and graces about democracy, philosophy and other fancy crap. Now, as they started it, we can blame it all on them. *chuffed* The Greeks other allies have already broken off diplomatic relations with them, and the Macedons want to pay us handsomely to form an alliance.
Akha: Always an honour to please your highness.
Pharaoh: You will be covered in gold for this Akhaenniut. By the way, I see you've shacked up with the little Greek princess. Fancy bit of stuff that, nice boobs *cups hands under chest*, I had my eye on her myself. Never mind, she can be part of your reward for a job well done!
Akha: *bows* Your honour.

(This episode was inspired by real life events, well except the getting the bird up the duff bit)

[Kekvit Irae]

Just doing a little cleaning and moving threads to their proper subforums.

[The Stranger]

Akha belongs everywhere and nowhere

One swallow does not make a summer.
Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics
No but it makes a hell of a night!
RebelScum

hilarious

[rebelscum]

253 BC The Roman Senate, Rome, chambers of Vibus Julius, Pontifex Maximus

Akha: *bowing low* Your Majestic Holiness, I come with a peace offering from great Pharaoh. It is time to end the bloodshed between our two great nations.
VJ: *regally flicks robe over shoulder* Philopater, your eloquent tongue does your master justice, however. One moment ...
*a clerk approaches and passes the Senator a scroll which he reads quickly, rolls up and seals it with wax, stamping it with the insignia of office on his signet-ring.* Pass this to the Consul's diplomat, to be delivered to my army. *He turns back to Akha*
.. however, Pharaoh has left it a little late with this offer just as our armies stand ready to take your capital.
Akha: Indeed sire. Pharaoh understands, and has sent with me a coffer of gold to secure this peace treaty. It totals 30,000 denarii.
VJ: *muses* A very tempting offer indeed, but the glory of Rome has no price. Return to your master and tell him to prepare for battle, that is my final desicion.
Akha: *bows low* May I approach your honour?
*Kneels in front of throne and leans forward to kiss the hand of the senator*
VJ: *pleased* I am glad to see that some of you Egyptians are humble enough to recognize the might of the Roman Empire.
~ A week later ~
The tent of General Secundus Classus, legionary encampment, a few miles west of the Egyptian capital Memphis
SC: *addressing captains* Men, as you know, the final hour approaches and I can sense the Egyptians are afraid. Your legionaries are honed to a fine point and eager for battle. *Paces the floor* Now all I need is the go ahead from Rome and the city is ours.
Gauis Maxentius (Roman Diplomat): *enters the tent and bows* Sire, I bring a message from the senate.
SC: Aha, this is it, *takes the scroll* now those Egyptain dogs shall learn not to dispute the might of Rome.
GM: Sire I suggest you read the order ..
SC: I assume they have some suggestions upon strategy .. *cuts the seal on scroll and reads it aloud*.
... You are to proceed to Scythia to hold back the hordes approaching from the North East. Leave at once and do not delay, this is of upmost importance.
Vibus Julius Pontifex Maximus ...
*looks at scroll in disbelief*
May Jupiter take them, the Senate have gone mad! We had the Egyptians where we want them, now they want us to pack up and set sail, during the stormy season to boot, to fight the Barbarians in the North, who the last time I heard were allies of Rome. Gauis, from whom did you receive this order!
GM: Sire, it was passed to me by the hand of the Consul himself. The order is correct, it has the seal of the Pontifex Maximus upon it.
VJ: *Examines scroll again* Well their stupidity astounds me. Albeit, orders are orders. *to captains* Well men, strike camp, it looks like the battles off.
*mumbles of disappointment*
~ a day later ~ A hill overlooking the sea. Two figures watch the the Romans boarding ships
Akha: Well there they go, and good riddance!
Cocolitanus the Icini (Brittanian Thespian): Haha, and for a second there I was afraid your plan wasn't going to work old bean.
Akha: Well Coco, or should I say Gauis Maxentius, I must say you are the best Roman impersonator money can buy.
Coco: *thespian bow* I am honoured to work with a fellow artist of your calibre. The fake orders were a master stroke, how did you make them so authentic?
Akha: *Tosses senators signet-ring in air and catches it* Well you might say I have friends in high places.

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

Excellent as always.

[Ciaran]

More of Akha, please