Trapped

[SwordsMaster]

Please comment. This is another creation I wrote in between lectures and commuting.







There is a road, although you couldn’t see it because it was covered by several feet of snow, ice and some mud; and trapped in that road there is a truck loaded with tree trunks. It’s Christmas Eve and the temperature is somewhere below –15ºC.

We were in the middle of a 1000 mile route, taking wood from the forests in the north to the factories in the south. Not the brightest job, but it did make a living.

We ceased moving some four hours ago, when we hit an unstable patch of ice that made us slide into the mud by the side of the road, and the heavy truck sunk almost a foot into the snow and ice even before the snowstorm started. Yes, there was a snowstorm too.

Inside the cabin, the situation wasn’t much brighter. The smoke of cigarettes that my partner kept smoking made it difficult to see and the heating, lights and engine were on. We hadn’t said a word in more than three hours and my partner’s stubborn silence was starting to get on my nerves.

“Kill the engine.” he said through his teeth. And then reached for another cigarette.
“Why?” I wasn’t in the mood for jokes.
“There isn’t nothing left to save here.” He was staring at the smoke of the cigarette in his hand. ”If we make a move now we could make it somewhere before nightfall.”

I shook my head. “I’m staying. And you are staying too.”
"And quit whining, and try the radio again".
"You know there is a snowstorm out there and it doesn't work!" he was somewhere between desperate and resolute. A dangerous mix.
"Try it!" I shouted. I was angry at him. I was mad at the snow. I was tired of his whining.

He reached for the radio and tried again. No result.

He fell silent for a long while. Slowl, he reached down to the floor and grabbed a heavy hammer. Then he raised his head with the same slow smoothness to stare me in the face.

“We are leaving”. He wouldn’t do it. We worked together for years. But he had the expression of a trapped wolf on his face.

“Drop it” I said “we are staying”.

“If we stay, by night time we will be buried so deep, noone will find our grave until spring.” A cold shiver went down my spine as his expression got harder.

I stared into his eyes for a long moment. Then I rested my head on the back of the seat. “Go, if you want”. I conceded, then closed my eyes. “I’m staying”.

He lowered the hammer slowly and started moving towards the exit. Only then I noticed he had been putting clothes on for the last few minutes. “You should come too” he said in a different tone.

I shook my head.

He left. I fell asleep for a few hours. For a moment I thought I heard wolves in the woods at the other side of the road, but I couldn't tell.

When I woke up I was blinded by lights right in front of me and only then I noticed that a hand was holding my wrist, looking for a pulse.

“It’s good that you are still with us” a voice said. A doctor with latex gloves on let go of my hand and I finally managed to see that the lights in front of my truck belonged to the rescue truck equipped for snow and ice.

They took me to the nearest rescue post where I spent the night. In the morning I was setting off to go back to my truck with another truck the company sent in the morning when my partner arrived.

He was a miserable sight. Blue, with snow and ice all over him, starved and near hypothermia. I left him at the station receiving emergency treatment.

We spent a whole day digging out the truck. I did the rest of the journey on my own.
Before setting off on another trip, the manager asked me if I wanted a different partner.

“No”. I was forgiving. I’d take my old partner back. At least for the next 1000 miles.

[The Shadow One]

Excellent work, SwordsMaster. I truly enjoyed it.

Things that I thought you did really well:

1. Your conflict was real, believable and honest. I didn't doubt it for a moment.

2. Your dialog, like your conflict, was real and believable.

3. For a short piece, the pacing was smooth and seemless.

Things you might want to develop:

1. This feels like a first draft or so; I think I would want you to emphasize the urgency of the situation more -- maybe explain that fuel would run out before morning or whatever. And maybe explain the partner's need to take off.

2. Just a suggestion -- but watch your punctuation and grammer. There's a couple of rather glaring errors (it doesn't take away from the value of your storytelling skills, but it does trip the mind up when I come across one.)

3. I like your short, terse style (it felt right for this story). Still, on a rewrite, you might want to beef it up a bit with some descriptions that help tell your story. It can be nothing more than a couple of words or so in sentence here and there to give a sense of depth to your story.

In the end, I liked it a lot. I'd love to see it again after some more work.

[SwordsMaster]

Thanks The Shadow One


You are right about it not being too elaborate, I wrote it while commuting and in lectures, so many details require some polishing. Specially punctuation - it was never my forte.

I'll try to edit it out a bit whenever I get a while.

EDIT 1 for additional dialogue and spelling.

[Ludens]

I can do nothing but second The Shadow One's comments.

Excellent work!

[SwordsMaster]

So, even though it has been a lil' slow, I did come back to revisit this one. It had been in the back of my head for a while, and now I present to you the new version. Hope you like it:

There is a road. Although you couldn’t see it because it was covered by several feet of snow, ice and mud; and buried on the side that road there is a truck loaded with tree trunks. It’s Christmas Eve, the temperature is somewhere below –15ºC, and my partner and I were chain-smoking like we could kill the devils with nicotine.

We were in the middle of a 1000 mile route, taking wood from the forests in the north to the factories in the south. Not the brightest job, but it did make a living. Someone with my curriculum couldn’t complain.

Even so, today was a bleak day. We ceased moving some four hours ago, when we hit an unstable patch of ice that made us slide into the mud by the side of the road, and the heavy truck sunk almost a foot into the snow even before the snowstorm started. Yes, there was a snowstorm too. And it was a big one. I watched until the windows were completely blinded with snow.

Inside the cabin, the situation wasn’t much brighter. The smoke of cigarettes that my partner kept smoking made it difficult to see and the heating, lights and engine were on. We hadn’t said a word in more than three hours and my partner’s stubborn silence was starting to get on my nerves. To top it all off, I had only one cigarette left that I was saving for breakfast, and the craving was adding to the tension.

“Kill the engine.” My partner said through his teeth. And then reached for another cigarette.
“Why?” I wasn’t in the mood for jokes. Killing the engine meant the end of heating. Then we’d freeze to death in 4 hours.
“There isn’t nothing left to save here.” He was staring at the smoke of the cigarette in his hand. ”If we make a move now we could make it somewhere before nightfall.” I thought about it. There was nowhere to go. Besides, we were in charge of the cargo.

I shook my head. “I’m staying. And you are staying too.”
"And quit whining, and try the radio again". His breath quickened as if he was about to have a breakdown.
"You know there is a snowstorm out there and it doesn't work!" he was somewhere between desperate and resolute. A dangerous mix.
"Try it!" I shouted. I was angry at him. I was mad at the snow. I was tired of his whining.

He reached for the radio and tried again. White noise. No result.

He fell silent for a long while. Slowly, he reached down to the floor and grabbed a heavy hammer. Then he raised his head with the same slow smoothness to stare me in the face.

“We are leaving.”

He wouldn’t do it. We worked together for years. But he had the expression of a trapped wolf on his face. Who would care who was right and wrong? It didn’t matter here, now. The only story that would be told was the one of the survivor.

“Drop it” I said “we are staying”.

“If we stay, by night time we will be buried so deep, noone will find our grave until spring.” A cold shiver went down my spine as his expression got harder.

I stared into his eyes for a long moment. Then I rested my head on the back of the seat. “Go, if you want”. I conceded, then closed my eyes. “I’m staying”.

He lowered the hammer slowly and started edging towards the door. Only then I noticed he had been putting clothes on for the last few minutes. “You should come too” he said in a different tone.

I shook my head. He opened the door and disappeared into the dark. The wind slammed the door shut. I thought that could very well be the seal on my coffin.

He left. I fell asleep for a few hours. For a moment I thought I heard wolves in the woods at the other side of the road, but I couldn't tell.

When I woke up I was blinded by lights right in front of me and only then I noticed that a hand was holding my wrist, looking for a pulse.

“It’s good that you are still with us” a voice said. A doctor with latex gloves on let go of my hand and I finally managed to see that the lights in front of me belonged to the rescue truck equipped for snow and ice.

They took me to the nearest rescue post where I spent the night. The storm had moved west, and was now terrorizing polar bears a few hundred miles away.

In the morning I was setting off to go back to my cargo with another driver the company sent in the morning when my partner arrived.

He was a miserable sight. His face was blue, with snow and ice everywhere, starved and near hypothermia. He didn’t look at me. I left him at the station receiving emergency treatment.

We spent a whole day digging out the truck. I smoked my last cigarette, and did the rest of the journey on my own.
Before setting off on the return trip, the manager asked me if I wanted a different partner.

“No”
I’d take my old partner back. For the next 1000 miles.

[King Flambard I]

Very nice Swords - Ice Road Truckers!!