For Those Lost (Poem)

[naut]

I was writing two poems and I accidentally chucked out one :weeps uncontrollably:, this is the other one. It's not finished, so I'd just like some constructive criticism. It's a sad poem for a friend who died.

For Those Lost

For those whom I lost,
Taken vastly 'fore their time;
Celestially played, a composed cost,
[And with your soul,] well rehearsed, brought about an ending chime.

While you sought naught but peace,
That final peace naught but sought you;
Fleet footed winds dawned an untimely cease,
[Amity departing,] our hearts in tow.

Personally I think I have to sacrifice rhyme for rhythm, it's too irregular. That's as far as I've written, I have some other lines that don't tie in yet.

PS: I think I need a stanza between the current ones to link them better.

PSS: [] denotes probable removal and/or replacement of text.

[Ludens]

I am not good at commenting on poetry, but I think you are right: the rhyme is good, but the rythm needs work.

My condolences for your loss, Rythmic.

[naut]

Thanks Ludens.

[Del Arroyo]

For Those Lost

For those whom I lost,
Taken vastly 'fore their time;
Celestially played, a composed cost,
[And with your soul,] well rehearsed, brought about an ending chime.

While you sought naught but peace,
That final peace naught but sought you;
Fleet footed winds dawned an untimely cease,
[Amity departing,] our hearts in tow.

For those whom I lost,
Taken vastly 'fore their time,
Composed, rehearsed, celestially played,
Who now rest beyond the ending chime.

While you sought naught but peace,
That final peace naught but sought you;
Fleet footed winds dawned an untimely cease,
Warmth fading, our hearts say adieu.

..

Just some ideas. I like the main thrust of the poem, seems like you have a good start.

[naut]

Thanks, Del Arroyo. Very nice.