Warluster's SHort Stories

[Warluster]

Hi all,


Well I seem to churn out stories all the time, and theres been millions of threads, so I am gonna make this one where I post all my stories!

I shall be posting one very soon on WWII, then maybe Napleonic, so look out for posts here!

[Warmaster Horus]

And would there be a special place for us to comment on the quality? Also, do you want CC1: basic comments, or CC5: hell for a writer?

[Warluster]

Comment here: CC3 please.

[Tamur]

Sounds great Warluster, we'll all wait with viciously sharpened well-rounded pens for comments! Looking forward to the first post.

[Warluster]

1496, Southern France.

The earth trembled likes a giant was jumping nearby, the sun was feebly peering from behind the black some whipping the battlefield. Soldiers, men, lay screaming in pain, as one of their limbs were missing from their body.
But no one was going to help.
Potholes made walking hell around the battlefield; some potholes were more like craters though. There were no trees, only the sound of clashing metal, the twinge of bows, and guns. The newest invention around.

The three nations which had decided to start the regrettable, conflict, was England and France, and some Spanish soldiers. The leaders referred to the battle afterwards as a skirmish. Most of the commoners thought that for a while, but when some soldiers were sent home as they had gone insane, some realized.

But guns, the thing which was to change warfare, the thing which killed some 4 million in World War 1 was –
“Bloody useless!” cursed one of the gunners.
“That’s just some wood they salvaged from a barn!” spat the other gunner. There was heaving nearby, and cursing. One looked over; the other 4 gunners were lifting a 25 kg cannonball, with their hands curled underneath the ball, and sweat pouring off their heads.
“Yah bloody weaklings” remarked the Gunner not lifting it.
“Shut up and help us!” panted one, and the other Gunner kneeled down, got the cannonball in his hands and tried to lift.
“Uh well…” his sentence drifted feebly into the smoky air, and one gunner nodded in a understanding way. They then heaved and chucked the ball into the cannon.

One gunner wiped his head,
“Why’d I even join up” he wondered aloud. One gunner brought over a pole with some hard fluff on the end of it, the ram. He looked into the cannon, closed one eye then opened it.
“Hey Jack, did ya ever notice that?” asked the gunner,
“What?” said Jack.
“If you close one eye it looks different to two open!” he exclaimed, a look of wonder on his face. Jack scanned his face, then shook his head.
“Hurry up already will ya” he sighed. The gunner rammed the gunpowder into the cannon, and with one eye closed he looked back into the cannon, and then backed away quickly, away from the cannon. One brought out a lighted match, made sure the rest were out of the way, and lit the fuse, which was quite long. He ran off to where the others were cowering nearby. The fuse finished, and then stopped.
“Must’ve been a dud” observed one, and stood up confidently, sure the danger was gone.
“Get down!” yelled one, but too late. The gun exploded, shooting metal everywhere. Iron cut into the ground. One bit of iron scrapped one gunners arm, and peeled off the skin along his whole arm, the gunner fainted with pain. The cannonball flew backwards, Jack got up and tackled the gunner standing up to the ground. The gunner breathed heavily,
“Thanks Jack” he said, no reply. The gunner looked around, there was Jack lying on the ground, dead, a piece of metal pinning him to the earth, and the blood washed over the dirt. The gunner leaned back, and cried silently. Why him? Why did he join up in the cursed Gunner Battalion? Why here? Was what flashed through the gunners mind, and he fainted.

[doc_bean]

Note: don't take the criticism too harshly, I'm just trying to help here.

The earth trembled likes a giant was jumping nearby,

This is a strange sentence because:
1) It's a fantasy stroy, so why bother talking about giants
2) how big is this giant exactly, how big of a tremble could he cause ?

It's supposed to be a descriptive sentence yet it tells us nothing about the scene, except that there is some trembling, and possibly some giants later in the stroy, who'll probalby be pretty big.

the sun was feebly peering from behind the black some whipping the battlefield.

Err, English is not my native language, so perhaps that's why, but i just don't understand this sentence.

Soldiers, men, lay screaming in pain, as one of their limbs were missing from their body.

some ?

Potholes made walking hell around the battlefield; some potholes were more like craters though.

Why the though ? I see no juxtaposition or contradiction in this sentence.

There were no trees, only the sound of clashing metal, the twinge of bows, and guns.

Trees are a visual impression, why are you comparing it to auditary impressions ?

The three nations which had decided to start the regrettable, conflict, was England and France, and some Spanish soldiers.

Weird place for a comma, some Spanish soldiers do not a nation make.

The leaders referred to the battle afterwards as a skirmish. Most of the commoners thought that for a while, but when some soldiers were sent home as they had gone insane, some realized.

Realised what ? I would also replace thought with accepted here

But guns, the thing which was to change warfare, the thing which killed some 4 million in World War 1 was –

Guns don't kill people, peopel kill people

WWI probably isn't the best example for the use of guns, since there were pretty advanced guns by then, it's like comparing an early bomb to a nuke.

Why do you give all this talk about guns and then start about cannons ? Maybe it's just me that seems that thinks 'handguns' (or rifles, or shotguns, but at least something portable) when someone mentions guns.

25 kg cannonball,

As a general rule, avoid writing numbers in your text, make it 'twenty five' instead of '25'.

The gunner breathed heavily,

Shouldn't it be 'was breathing' ? breathed sounds weird.

Your story is definatly better towards the end. Don't neglect to re-read your stories though, the first part felt very unedited.