Diary of a diplomat

[drone]

Someone at CA needs to hire rebelscum to do pre-battle speeches for the expansion. I think we should demand it!
https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?t=40948

[jimmyM]

ahh, if only there were an "impregnate ruler's daughter" option for diplomats, 'twould be a reel treat...give him some audio file along the lines of
"i'll lie back and think of the empire, sir"

[master of the puppets]

lol great stuff rebelscum i master of the puppets relieve you of your slavery so you can be a free not rebel uh scummy...guy

whatever just write more stories

[rebelscum]

Akha: Merry Xmas everyone, and a happy new year!
More from Akha after the holidays.

[master of the puppets]

WAHOOOOOOO
MERRRY CHRISTMAS
I GOT THAT LONGBOW I WANTED!!!!!
(parents still don't trust me with a sword though)
OH OH I KNOW IF ANYONE CAN SELL ME A QUALITY SWORD I WILL PAY YOU A LOT
IF YOU SCREW ME OVER I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND SHOVE THAT SWORD SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT WILL CUT YOU BRAIN
peace on earth and a merry christmas
happy hanukah
and a crappy ramadan

[master of the puppets]

WTF ITS JANUARY 3 MAKE MORE ENTRIES REBELSCUM please

[rebelscum]

WTF ITS JANUARY 3 MAKE MORE ENTRIES REBELSCUM please

Akha: My scribe has been on holiday, please be patient?

[rebelscum]

Akhaenniut and the Roman Legion

[Lepcis Magna (or to some Sepcis Magna) 258 BC, the tent of Legatus Noxious Odorous, Commander 3rd Legion]
NO: *waving arms about wildly* Bloody flies, this is almost a plague! *swats and catches about five flies, wipes hand on toga* Anyway where was I .. oh yes .. ibis .. sphinx.
Egyptian Scribe: Ok so far I've got ankh, eye, eye with legs, man walking above river, ibis, sphinx, is that it?
NO: Erm, no I want this letter to be word perfect, you better stick an arm and a lion in there just to be sure.
Scribe: *quietly to himself* I wish you would go stick your arm in a lion *chisels away* .. Ok done.
NO: Right, I want this delivered to my secret agent straight away by our fastest rider, and don't go sending it by second class foot like you did last time, or I'll have you chiseling the complete history of Egypt starting with the first spot of rain that created the Nile.
*Scribe bows and makes quick exit*
NO: Now where is that damn librarious legionus! (clerk).
LL: *scruffy looking middle aged legionary marches in and clumps to attention* Ave Legatus!
NO: Never mind that!, what are you going to do about all these flies and that god awful smell?
LL: Well sir, erm, its the drains you see, they keep backing up with sand blowing in from the desert! We dig them out, but they fill up again by the next morning.
NO: Well get the men to dig them out at night as well! By Jupiter, sometimes I think I'm surrounded by morons!

[Later the next day]
LL: *marches in and clumps to attention* Ave Legatus, a messenger has arrived by horse, shall I show him in?
NO: No, leave him standing outside my tent until his legs drop off, of course show him in you idiot!
LL: *loudly* Send in the messenger!
Messenger Roman: *panting* Ave Legatus!
NO: Yes yes, I take it this is the reply from my secret agent!
*Takes tablet and reads it*
NO: Perfect! *slams hand on table*, I have them just where I want them. It seems Pharaoh has been a little sneaky, I knew he was planning an attack. According to my agent he has camped his army in the desert just beyond the eastern hills. I think a swift surprise counter attack with about 4 cohorts should suffice. Ah why compromise, I'll take most of the legion. *clenches fist* I'll give Pharaoh the thrashing he deserves. As well as that, I'll be glad to get out of this rotten stink for a day or two. Librarious legionus send in the guide.
LL: *even louder* Send in the guide!
NO: Gnnnn.
Guide: *enters and bows* Your honour.
NO: Ah guide there you are, I want you to take us through the eastern hills to this spot *points to a spot in the middle of large blank bit on a map*, I take it you know the way?
Guide: Of course sire, it is not more than a days easy march.
NO: Thats all I needed to know. Librarious legionus, tell the primus pilus to get the legion ready to move out!
LL: *shouts* GET THE LEGION READY TO MOVE OUT!
NO: *slaps hand on own face, fingers spread*

[Just over a day later]
NO: I'm sure I've seen that funny shaped hill before guide!
Guide: Your honour, much of this desert looks the same, I can assure you we are near to where you wished to go.
NO: Well you better be right, my men are starting to crumble in this heat.

[Three days later, somewhere in the middle of the desert]
NO: This is all your fault librarious legionus!, where did you hire that guide from? Get him back here and find out where the hell we are!
LL: *sheepishly* I was going to question him sir, before that big sandstorm got up, but he seems to have .. erm .. slipped away.
NO: *reaches for his gladius*
LL:

[Pharaohs palace, Memphis (yes that one)]
Akha: Indeed mighty Pharaoh, Lepcis Magna is practically undefended. Just the VII cohort remains, mostly trainees and raw recruits. One look at our army coming over the hill and I'm sure they will pack up and head for home.
Pharaoh: *smiles* Tell me again how you managed to get the whole of the Roman legion blindly chasing around in the desert without me having to advance a single unit of my men?
Akha: Well first of all there was a little matter of sanitation ...

[Shaitan]

Very nice.

Shaitan

[Shadow]

Very good as usual

[Kraxis]

Hehe, great... Do a bribe of an army with a family member next time. Or one of those crazy counter offers, or even one of those baffling refusals at ceasefires when down to one city.

[master of the puppets]

SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
MY PARENTS HAVE GROUNDED ME OFF THE COMPUTER
NO FORUM OR ROME TOTAL WAR!
HELP ME MY PARENTS ARE TRYING TO SQUASH ANY INDIVIDUALLITY I HAVE AND DESTROY MY THIRST FOR BLOOD AND SLAUGHTER

HELP ME PLEASE

this is a serios plea any help for escaping parents

also great story rebelscum, worth the wait

[Kraxis]

SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
MY PARENTS HAVE GROUNDED ME OFF THE COMPUTER
NO FORUM OR ROME TOTAL WAR!
HELP ME MY PARENTS ARE TRYING TO SQUASH ANY INDIVIDUALLITY I HAVE AND DESTROY MY THIRST FOR BLOOD AND SLAUGHTER

HELP ME PLEASE

this is a serios plea any help for escaping parents

also great story rebelscum, worth the wait

Parents are ultimately much more powerful than you, so there is little you can do but weather the storm and come out again when it has calmed down.

[Arrowhead]

SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
MY PARENTS HAVE GROUNDED ME OFF THE COMPUTER
NO FORUM OR ROME TOTAL WAR!
HELP ME MY PARENTS ARE TRYING TO SQUASH ANY INDIVIDUALLITY I HAVE AND DESTROY MY THIRST FOR BLOOD AND SLAUGHTER

HELP ME PLEASE

this is a serios plea any help for escaping parents

also great story rebelscum, worth the wait

If they ever go out and leave you alone, be on that comp like a shot!
Or be rebellious,and sabotage things.

[Shadow]

I agree with Arrowhead on be on that comp like a shot! but rebellious,and sabotage things is not a good choice cause they may find out it's you who did it then you are in for it (GROUNDED FOR A YEAR!!!)

better just sit it out and wait for it to pass.

[drone]

I agree with Arrowhead on be on that comp like a shot! but rebellious,and sabotage things is not a good choice cause they may find out it's you who did it then you are in for it (GROUNDED FOR A YEAR!!!)

better just sit it out and wait for it to pass.

If your parents are computer savvy, be careful. IE/Mozilla/Firefox history and URL logs can show that you are on the forums, and saved games have dates on them. Windows also keeps track of recently opened apps. Good luck, I tried stuff like this all the time when I was a kid.

[Divinus Arma]

SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
MY PARENTS HAVE GROUNDED ME OFF THE COMPUTER
NO FORUM OR ROME TOTAL WAR!
HELP ME MY PARENTS ARE TRYING TO SQUASH ANY INDIVIDUALLITY I HAVE AND DESTROY MY THIRST FOR BLOOD AND SLAUGHTER

HELP ME PLEASE

this is a serios plea any help for escaping parents

also great story rebelscum, worth the wait

Don't sweat it MoP. One day you will be 'all grown up' and you can pay the bills and work 50+ hours a week just like the rest of us adults. Then you can do anything you want. Until then, "suck it up", figure out how you screwed yourself and then avoid doing it again.

Your parents aren't trying to "squash your individuality". They just don't want to end up supporting you when you are 30 or see you with a career at WalMart.

Okay, that's my two cents. And I'm closer to being a kid than I like to admit!

[Divinus Arma]

Now, on with the Diary of the Diplomat!

[rebelscum]

[A small unpretentious looking inn, Jerusalem 256 B.C, a diplomatic conference is in deep session]
Greek Diplomat (Very put upon): My Egyptian friend, now you know it would be beneficial to both our countries if you would accept our trade agreement.
Akha: Indeed it would my friend. Well of course you would have to come to an agreement on a ceasefire with our Armenian allies first.
Greek Diplomat: *curtly* Of course, we were just about to discuss that!
Armenian Diplomat (slightly worse for wine): *slurring* We could not agree to a ceashhfire for no leshh than ten shousand denarii *hics*.
Greek Diplomat: *aghast* Ten thousand denarii, Hades take you to hell you cur! That is way too much. I thought we could just shake on it.
Akha: Unfortunately it seems not.
Greek diplomat: *up to here with it all* Very well then. We will rise above your slurs on our honour and accept this crude and insulting proposal but only for the good of our people!
Akha: Right the ceasefire is settled!
Greek Diplomat: Yes, we vow to keep the peace with Armenia, even though they are sons of dogs.
Armenian Diplomat: Woof!
Greek Diplomat: Right, on to the matter of our trade agreement.
Akha: Very well my friend, glorious Pharaoh belives that this trade agreement would benefit the Greek cities rather more than Egypt, so we would require the provision of , lets say, five thousand denarii.
Greek Diplomat: *stressed out* What! I thought you said ..
Akha: I said that you would have to come to a ceasefire agreement first before we would even consider it.
Greek diplomat: Well .. I suppose you did. Very well, *in a huff* however if the Armenians want trade rights with us they will have to give us five thousand denarii! *glares at Armenian who cocks a snoot at him*
Akha: Gentlemen, let us settle this with decorum. I have it all worked out. *to Greek diplomat* First you give me fifteen thousand denarii.
Greek Diplomat: Ok so I give you the ten thousand I owe him and the five thousand I owe you.
Akha: Correct. *to Armenian diplomat* Now you lend me five thousand denarii for a minute so I can do this.
Armenian Diplomat: Rishh, I lend you five shousand.
Akha: *to Armenian diplomat* Now, he still owes you ten thousand denarii, yes.
Armenian Diplomat: *scratches head* Erm, I think so.
Akha: *to Armenian diplomat* Ok so if you give me the five thousand denarii you owe him, as he owes me five thousand, and I'll give you back the ten thousand he owes you.
Greek Diplomat: Are you sure thats right?
Akha: *feigning great insult* By the great god Artemis, I was schooled in mathematics at the greatest academy in all Egypt, if there is one thing I know, it is how to deal money.
Armenian diplomat: He dushh you know, are you thick or shumthing.
Akha: *to Greek diplomat* As you think there is a problem, let us do this again another way. Right, first you give him twenty thousand denarii, that includes the five thousand denarii you owe me and the ten thousand you owe him and you lend him five thousand.
Greek Diplomat: *trying hard to keep abreast of things* Ok, I give him twenty thousand denarii.
Akha: Correct. *to Armenian diplomat* Now you give me fifteen thousand denarii, that includes the five thousand he owes me and the five thousand denarii you borrowed off him and you lend me five thousand. *to Greek diplomat* Now he still owes you the five thousand he borrowed from you, yes. *to Armenian diplomat* Now all I do is give him five thousand. See it's simple, even a child could have worked that one out.
Greek Diplomat: *with arms crossed to Armenian diplomat* Yes even a child could have worked that one out!
Akha: So now we are all happy?
Both Diplomats together: Yesh!
Akha: Good.

Aristotle once said "All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion, and desire"
He forgot alcohol!

[Redz " Preatorian Knights"]

this is good, its nice to have people arround like this....
We want more more more>>>!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rebelscum]

I'm thinking of reposting this as someone decided to gripe about being banned from their PC which makes for harder reading! Anyone agree or am I being too finnicky?

[Fridge]

WAHOOOOOOO
MERRRY CHRISTMAS
I GOT THAT LONGBOW I WANTED!!!!!
(parents still don't trust me with a sword though)
OH OH I KNOW IF ANYONE CAN SELL ME A QUALITY SWORD I WILL PAY YOU A LOT
IF YOU SCREW ME OVER I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND SHOVE THAT SWORD SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT WILL CUT YOU BRAIN
peace on earth and a merry christmas
happy hanukah
and a crappy ramadan

I'm kind of hoping the grounding was a bit of karma for the casual racism above....

And Rebelscum, keep it up...

[drone]

Well done! What's the Armenian word for "feck"?

[master of the puppets]

i am most greivously sorry to any one offended by my casual cyniclism.
also there will be no more discusion on my matters only on the most bountiful tales from the greatest tale spinner to ever write a post, rebelscum, for whom at the price of not being banned i am your most humble servant

[rebelscum]

[Fruitful City of Antioch 257 BC, Akha is meeting with a quite desperate and battle weary Kream of Weet, General of Pontus in the Generals rented rooms]
Akha: *sticking to the script for once* Greetings from the noble and magnificent Pharaoh. What proposal do you wish to lay, most humbly, before him?
Kream of Weet: If it would please Pharaoh, we humbly request an attack on the Seleucid Empire. As you know we have been at war with them for ten long years, and we are now quite desperate. They have battered our armies down to a few undermanned units, sacked the city of Mazaka, pillaged and and raped to their hearts content. Even now bandit rebels have appeared in Cappadocia. Our lives are a complete misery, you have to help!
Akha: Hmm, In what way would the peace-loving and kindly Pharaoh profit from such an attack? Your request is objectionable.
KW: Unfortunately our coffers are near to empty due to the prolonged war, and we can offer no more than five thousand denarii.
Akha: Only five thousand denarii!, *disgusted* Do you have nothing more to offer!
KW: Trade rights of course, and all the map information we possess. Apart from that we have nothing left to give! *burys head in hands* Oh what can we do, please accept our offer.
Akha: *unmoved* Even if you offered up your children as slaves to the greater glory of Pharaoh, he would not consider bowing to your demands ...
*at that moment the Generals beautiful large breasted daughter walks in carrying a tray of beverages*
KW: Thank you Bounci, you may go.
Akha: On second thoughts .. maybe we can discuss this over a malt beer!

One swallow does not make a summer.
Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics
No but it makes a hell of a night!
RebelScum

[Kraxis]

Haha... Now you are getting naughty!

[Grumfoss]

Nice one Rebelscum, a man of simple tastes that Diplomat of yours

[AntiochusIII]

Cool Stuff Rebelscum... I've been wondering of Akha has been tricked by the cunning general Kream of Weet? He seems to be clever enough to bring his daughter a long way to Antioch.

[Dooz]

Well done! What's the Armenian word for "feck"?

The word is "koonem"

And if it's possible to get banned for a "foreign" cuss word, then I lied. That actually means icecream. Happy icecream for all.

[Dooz]

Oh and... I LOVE AKHA!!!




sorry can't edit posts, so i hadta doubleize it.