View Full Version : I'm having my little swimmers counted
Peasant Phill
10-04-2010, 20:04
Yes, I'm becoming an old sock. I've settled down with the girl I love. I've asked her to marry me AND we've been trying to have a baby.
Now the baby-trying thingie isn't working out that great so far. My GF has already had some tests and now it's my turn. I'm supposed to drop a cup off of my saturday morning. You know, a cup of my 'little guys in white track suits'.
Does anybody have some experience with this?
Gregoshi
10-04-2010, 20:12
Oh boy - this thread will not have a happy ending.
Oh boy - this thread will not have a happy ending.
That was a very flaccid post sir.
Of course Whacker would post in this thread.
Gregoshi
10-04-2010, 20:55
Sorry Phill, I derailed a thread that I knew was destined to be derailed.
Anyway, what exactly is the nature of your question? Are you looking for tips on how to increase that count? Or tips on filling the cup? Or are you just looking for someone to swap war stories with?
Peasant Phill
10-04-2010, 21:04
Sorry Phill, I derailed a thread that I knew was destined to be derailed.
Anyway, what exactly is the nature of your question? Are you looking for tips on how to increase that count? Or tips on filling the cup? Or are you just looking for someone to swap war stories with?
Don't worry about the derailment. I wouldn't post it here if I couldn't handle some laughs at my or the 'subject's' expense.
The war story options looks good. I'll only be needing tips on how to increase the count after I have the results.
Perhaps you should do less posting in the Backroom.
Louis VI the Fat
10-04-2010, 21:10
Not the one in the back. You need to put it in the one up front. ~:idea:
(Belgian)
Veho Nex
10-04-2010, 21:13
Maybe they can give you some hands on assistance when it comes to filling the cup.
PanzerJaeger
10-04-2010, 21:31
Gross.
And... boxer shorts.
I actually just went through the very same thing. It was a home-test and the sample had to be delivered to the lab within 1/2 hour. To increase difficulty level I live in a fairly rural area the sample could only be dropped off between 11:00 and 11:15, so I had to get the timing just right. The test literature said that the sample must be "kept warm" so I tucked the container under my arm pit on the drive to the bio testing facility.
I did some speeding during the drive and when I got to the lab, on time and under budget, I was thinking "man good thing the cops didn't pull me over or that would have been an an epic story!" Since I had the container under my arm pit I'd be like "you don't wanna frisk me right now... trust me!"
Peasant Phill
10-04-2010, 22:06
Not the one in the back. You need to put it in the one up front. ~:idea:
(Belgian)
And here I thought that was a joke about the Greeks.
Peasant Phill
10-04-2010, 22:10
I actually just went through the very same thing. It was a home-test and the sample had to be delivered to the lab within 1/2 hour. To increase difficulty level I live in a fairly rural area the sample could only be dropped off between 11:00 and 11:15, so I had to get the timing just right. The test literature said that the sample must be "kept warm" so I tucked the container under my arm pit on the drive to the bio testing facility.
I did some speeding during the drive and when I got to the lab, on time and under budget, I was thinking "man good thing the cops didn't pull me over or that would have been an an epic story!" Since I had the container under my arm pit I'd be like "you don't wanna frisk me right now... trust me!"
Now that would have been a good story.
I also have to bring it in ASAP. I live about a half hour away from the hospital. I don't think I'll be holding it under my armpit though.
You need help getting your gf pregnant? Why didn't you just ask Bill? :P
Megas Methuselah
10-04-2010, 23:28
Listen man, if things don't turn out too good for you, just holla at me. I'd be glad to make some donations towards the begginning of new life in your woman's womb.
Of course, in many respects, I am a very conservative person with naturalistic tendencies. If we're doing this, my life-force will have to be injected the natural way, the way it's suppose to be done. Please keep in mind that I am a superior specimen with above-average height, intelligence, and good looks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAYXXbetnno
Perhaps you should do less posting in the Backroom.
LOL
My wife and I had been trying for over two years to make a baby. There was a miscarriage along the road and afterwards, the dr. told us that the only positive thing about that was that we could be sure that all was working fine. More than a year after the miscarriage, still no succes though. My wife made an appointment in February this year with the doc and he asked for a sample of my little swimmers. It also had to be turned in quick in the hospital (luckily for us, it's only a 5 minute drive) and he had suggested that my wife would keep it warm by putting the container in her bra.
Apparently, my little swimmers decided that they didn't want a test and my wife got pregnant in January, meaning the sheduled appointment was for a first check-up on the pregnancy instead of having the test.
I hope your fertility problems aren't too bad and that your wishes become true sooner rather than later :bow:
Peasant Phill
10-05-2010, 21:53
Zinc.
First I need to know if I have a problem. Then I'll see if there is anything to help it along.
Also my lady is very civilised. All posting in the backroom must be reserved at least 10 days before.
Vladimir
10-05-2010, 22:25
Are you "trying" to have children? Take Yoda's advice. Sometimes the stress of trying (and the event you just mentioned) can cause enough stress to prevent pregnancy.
Just act carefree, reckless, and young! (from someone who doesn't know better. sorry :shrug: )
Megas Methuselah
10-05-2010, 23:10
Apparently, my little swimmers decided that they didn't want a test and my wife got pregnant in January...
Hmm, I met this cute cougar over last christmas holiday bar-hopping...
:clown:
Hmm, I met this cute cougar over last christmas holiday bar-hopping...
Thnx for your written statement that you're the real father. Can I have your address please, I have some bills I'd like to send you.
I can assure you that I'll happily raise your child on your expenses.
At the moment we are in dire need of a BMW, a playstation 3, an Xbox 360, a plasma tv and a villa with swimming pool; the latter being the most urgent. Please send us 500.000,00 € to cover the first expenses. I'm sure this won't be a problem, since I assume you, just like us, wish the best for your child.
Crazed Rabbit
10-07-2010, 04:16
Lawyers FTW. Andres, have you ever seen the show "community"? It's the best American comedy on TV right now and the main character is a lawyer.
Also, good luck Phill.
CR
Megas Methuselah
10-07-2010, 05:50
Thnx for your written statement that you're the real father. Can I have your address please, I have some bills I'd like to send you.
I can assure you that I'll happily raise your child on your expenses.
At the moment we are in dire need of a BMW, a playstation 3, an Xbox 360, a plasma tv and a villa with swimming pool; the latter being the most urgent. Please send us 500.000,00 € to cover the first expenses. I'm sure this won't be a problem, since I assume you, just like us, wish the best for your child.
Kids don't need any of that. I grew up in the city's worst neighbourhood with a single mom who struggled to get us by, 4 television channels (one of which was French), hand-me-down clothes, and a diet of mainly rice, kraft dinner, and food donations. As soon as I was old enough, I took up a paper route to buy us some better food and blankets to shelter us against the winter frost.
Whatever the case may be, if I offended you, it was not what I wanted. Sorry, bro.
Lawyers FTW. Andres, have you ever seen the show "community"? It's the best American comedy on TV right now and the main character is a lawyer.
Also, good luck Phill.
CR
Is it a new show? If so, then it'll probably take a year or two before it'll be broadcasted here; maybe less if it's really popular in the US. I'll try to keep it in mind.
Kids don't need any of that. I grew up in the city's worst neighbourhood with a single mom who struggled to get us by, 4 television channels (one of which was French), hand-me-down clothes, and a diet of mainly rice, kraft dinner, and food donations. As soon as I was old enough, I took up a paper route to buy us some better food and blankets to shelter us against the winter frost.
Whatever the case may be, if I offended you, it was not what I wanted. Sorry, bro.
Hey, don't worry, I wasn't offended in the slightest. I was just poking some fun back at you ~:pat:
Hosakawa Tito
10-07-2010, 10:44
Good luck Phil. Modern science has developed some amazing treatments to help couples conceive. My three youngest nieces are proof of that. Hopefully they'll be able to help you too.
ELITEofWARMANGINGERYBREADMEN88
10-07-2010, 13:10
Oh boy - this thread will not have a happy ending.
:yes:
:laugh4:
“ I used to be a sperm”
~ Captain Obvious
http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20060225023842/uncyclopedia/images/d/d4/Sacklunch.gif
This post will not end well.
They got books to help people like you Phill btw.
Peasant Phill
10-07-2010, 19:30
They got books to help people like you Phill btw.
I can 'make my contribution' at home so I don't need books I have misses phill.
Samurai Waki
10-07-2010, 21:39
I did some speeding during the drive and when I got to the lab, on time and under budget, I was thinking "man good thing the cops didn't pull me over or that would have been an an epic story!" Since I had the container under my arm pit I'd be like "you don't wanna frisk me right now... trust me!"
That could've been a sticky situation... :grin:
ELITEofWARMANGINGERYBREADMEN88
10-08-2010, 00:14
I can 'make my contribution' at home so I don't need books I have misses phill.
:yes:
a completely inoffensive name
10-08-2010, 05:20
What's the problem? Just have sex more until she does get pregnant. At what other point are you going to have a legitimate reason to say to your wife "I think we should probably do it at least once a day."
Peasant Phill
10-08-2010, 20:17
The problem is that
1. You can't have sex everyday or my 'seed quality' will drop to much. Once every 2 days is recommended
2. When you have to have sex every 2 days for months on end, it sometimes starts to be a chore rather than a pleasure
3. Until she gets pregnant is 1 year already and running. Misses Phill isn't known to be very patient
It's all fun when you hear it, all the sex you want. And it sometimes is but there isa goal to reach.
The problem is that
1. You can't have sex everyday or my 'seed quality' will drop to much. Once every 2 days is recommended
2. When you have to have sex every 2 days for months on end, it sometimes starts to be a chore rather than a pleasure
3. Until she gets pregnant is 1 year already and running. Misses Phill isn't known to be very patient
It's all fun when you hear it, all the sex you want. And it sometimes is but there isa goal to reach.
My advice would be to drop it to once a week. It would be less of a chore, and more fun. The funner it is, the more likely you are to succeed.
Samurai Waki
10-08-2010, 21:57
Getting your count is probably the most important thing to do for now. Not that it'll necessarily make or break you, but just so you know what you have to do in case something is amiss.
Furunculus
10-08-2010, 22:04
i have a friend who's doing the same thing, not easy i know, but no better advice to offer, good luck.
Peasant Phill
10-09-2010, 12:05
Well, I delivered my donation today. I teased my GF the whole way in the hospital by holding the cup in front of me and saying "fishies, fishies" (like in Finding Nemo).
I'll know the results on thursday. Let's see how my little guys did.
Good, sometimes you just have to take matters into own hand.
Good luck with ze results phill!
Yes, I'm becoming an old sock. I've settled down with the girl I love. I've asked her to marry me AND we've been trying to have a baby.
Now the baby-trying thingie isn't working out that great so far. My GF has already had some tests and now it's my turn. I'm supposed to drop a cup off of my saturday morning. You know, a cup of my 'little guys in white track suits'.
Does anybody have some experience with this?
just pop up some zinc, lettuce oil, and Viagra. should you turn out to lack the ability to impregnate.
it works in Egypt; should work in the US too.
the Viagra is just there for the heck of it.
Peasant Phill
10-10-2010, 13:09
Good, sometimes you just have to take matters into own hand.
Here I was, thinking I had to stop 'taking matters into my own hands'.
just pop up some zinc, lettuce oil, and Viagra. should you turn out to lack the ability to impregnate.
it works in Egypt; should work in the US too.
the Viagra is just there for the heck of it.
It may work in Egypt and in the US but here in Belgium we have to pay a lot less for medical help so I'll be going that route first before trying home-made remedies.
I'm sure it works but professional help is professional help.
Strike For The South
10-10-2010, 22:48
My advice would be to drop it to once a week. It would be less of a chore, and more fun. The funner it is, the more likely you are to succeed.
I don't think the biological act of sperm meeting egg has anything to do with fun....but what do I know
Keep the tempature regular
Avoid stress
Eat a balanced diet
Make sure you excersise
I highly doubt you need chemical help, do not go that route unless you are excplictly stated to by your doctor
I don't think the biological act of sperm meeting egg has anything to do with fun....but what do I know
Keep the tempature regular
Avoid stress
Eat a balanced diet
Make sure you excersise
I highly doubt you need chemical help, do not go that route unless you are excplictly stated to by your doctor
Well, I actually read an article that said that people who have sex with someone they love are more likely to cause a pregnancy than someone having unprotected sex with a stranger.
Strike For The South
10-10-2010, 23:40
Well, I actually read an article that said that people who have sex with someone they love are more likely to cause a pregnancy than someone having unprotected sex with a stranger.
Would you care to link that article?
Because I once read an article where I pleasured a woman covered in choclate syrup and 100$ bills.
Would you care to link that article?
Because I once read an article where I pleasured a woman covered in choclate syrup and 100$ bills.
You don't have to be a typically sarcastic jerk Strike. Yes, I would like to source the article, but I read it on Yahoo about a year ago, and I did not save the link. Pardon me for not copying every article I ever read.
Strike For The South
10-11-2010, 00:25
You don't have to be a typically sarcastic jerk Strike. Yes, I would like to source the article, but I read it on Yahoo about a year ago, and I did not save the link. Pardon me for not copying every article I ever read.
A jerk? Because I asked you to back an assertion with evidence? A quick google search reveals nothing on your claim.
Now sex with strangers is usually paired with booze and binge drinking is shown to hurt fertilitey
http://www.sharedjourney.com/malediagnosis/drugs_and_alcohol.html
I am interested in facts not hear say, because most of the time hearsay just lets people enforce there preconcived notions of what they beilive to be true.
Megas Methuselah
10-11-2010, 06:45
Strike is totally right in this debate vuk you need to take a chill pill and appreciate his sense of humour man because it makes you look tight and strict and oh so not fun and you know we all know you're a very fun guy vuk but you need to play the part man play the part you know what i mean so suck it up and look for the article on yahoo and if you cant find it then fine you cant find it and i think we can all go ahead and believe strike's story about the prostitute and the chocoloate and the moneh because we all know strike is financially successful and can afford any call girl he wants but you know wat he is also a very handsome and charming man and if he wanted to he could just go ahead and grab any girl he wanted and she would swoon while stroking his muscles because he's the man she always dreamed of you know what i mean but call girls have their uses because they are willing to do what every regular girl won't do even if it does come at a price and hey i know money isn't everything but it has its uses you know and you should take full advantage of that so i recommend that you gather up your savings and rent yourself a call girl and make her do the dirtiest and filthiest things that you can possibly imagine thankyouverymuch.
a completely inoffensive name
10-11-2010, 07:51
Because I once read an article where I pleasured a woman covered in choclate syrup and 100$ bills.
I did that too! -High Five!-
Peasant Phill
10-11-2010, 20:56
I like how a thread about trying to have a baby changes into one where we tell each other our kinky sex life.
Oh and I did too. (But don't try liquors though, those aren't exactly pleasant on the more tender areas).
ELITEofWARMANGINGERYBREADMEN88
10-12-2010, 18:14
just pop up some zinc, lettuce oil, and Viagra. should you turn out to lack the ability to impregnate.
it works in Egypt; should work in the US too.
the Viagra is just there for the heck of it.
You could damage Mr.Peanut by taking Viagra when you don't need to, you know.
Would you care to link that article?
Because I once read an article where I pleasured a woman covered in choclate syrup and 100$ bills.
I pleasured a woman covered in Cashews and White Milk.
You could damage Mr.Peanut by taking Viagra when you don't need to, you know.
I was joking there; otherwise, I'd have said sth other than "the Viagra is there for the heck of it".
ELITEofWARMANGINGERYBREADMEN88
10-12-2010, 19:24
I was joking to, which is why I brought up Mr.Peanut. :balloon2:
trying to have a baby changes.
If you're still want to do that, I'll suggest you for go to local herbal store, bought some asiatic herbal named "tongkat ali", and use that herb as spice to a boiled chicken (1 whole chicken meat, mixed with a handful of fresh herbs, mixed with some pinch of salts, curcuma, and ginger. eat while warm with rice.) eat this meal at least once a week until your wife got pregnant (which will be soon because it will increase the quality of the sperm)
If you didn't like the taste of chicken, you can merely drunk the soup. :grin:
I'm serious :)
Peasant Phill
10-13-2010, 22:13
I'll have the results tomorrow. Let's see how energetic, non-deformed and goal-orientated my guys really are.
a completely inoffensive name
10-14-2010, 06:03
You are posting on a video game forum. Your little guys are going to be chilling until Shogun 2 comes out so they can have a premature moment when you play it for the first time.
I'll have the results tomorrow. Let's see how energetic, non-deformed and goal-orientated my guys really are.
FOR GLORY!!!
(and becoming daddy of course)
Peasant Phill
10-15-2010, 20:05
I got the results yesterday but it was anticlimactic to say the least. I accompanied my girlfriend to her gynecologist, where I would get my results.
The doctor said my little guys were normal and promptly refuse to go into more detail. Even though I did my research (see item 3). (http://www.cracked.com/article_18701_5-insane-scientific-charts-you-wont-believe-actually-exist.html)
So my guys did well enough but we probably have to wait a cycle to do it for real because my GF reacted more than expected on her fertility meds (and a quadruplets is a bit to much).
I got the results yesterday but it was anticlimactic to say the least. I accompanied my girlfriend to her gynecologist, where I would get my results.
The doctor said my little guys were normal and promptly refuse to go into more detail. Even though I did my research (see item 3). (http://www.cracked.com/article_18701_5-insane-scientific-charts-you-wont-believe-actually-exist.html)
So my guys did well enough but we probably have to wait a cycle to do it for real because my GF reacted more than expected on her fertility meds (and a quadruplets is a bit to much).
girlfriend? umm... old advice, maybe you should consider marrying her first, as I have several girls with benefits here, but not yet managed to have a child.
ELITEofWARMANGINGERYBREADMEN88
10-16-2010, 16:39
Agreed. What is with it now a days having kids with people when you not even married?
Go Fishes! But Phill, if you have many kids on one load, then that's more potential troops for the Imperial Swissland Military! :laugh4:
Peasant Phill
10-16-2010, 18:13
girlfriend? umm... old advice, maybe you should consider marrying her first.
Well considering we know each other for 12 years, been living together for more than 2 years and we got engaged in january, I'm thinking it'll be OK.
I just don't always
Go Fishes! But Phill, if you have many kids on one load, then that's more potential troops for the Imperial Swissland Military!
Does this mean I can be general in this magnificent army?
ELITEofWARMANGINGERYBREADMEN88
10-16-2010, 18:47
Well considering we know each other for 12 years, been living together for more than 2 years and we got engaged in january, I'm thinking it'll be OK.
I just don't always
Does this mean I can be general in this magnificent army?
I'll send your uniform out asap then! :balloon2:
Megas Methuselah
10-17-2010, 01:52
I did that too! -High Five!-
I actually believe you.
I got the results yesterday but it was anticlimactic to say the least. I accompanied my girlfriend to her gynecologist, where I would get my results.
The doctor said my little guys were normal and promptly refuse to go into more detail. Even though I did my research (see item 3). (http://www.cracked.com/article_18701_5-insane-scientific-charts-you-wont-believe-actually-exist.html)
So my guys did well enough but we probably have to wait a cycle to do it for real because my GF reacted more than expected on her fertility meds (and a quadruplets is a bit to much).
Only issues then is either with your wife, or you been using 'research material' which predominately finishes on and not in the encounter.
Megas Methuselah
10-17-2010, 02:36
So just remember that when the time comes, keep your phill hilt-deep.
Peasant Phill
10-17-2010, 17:05
The problem is with my wife. Fortunatly, it can be helped medically (which I was talking about all along).
If I sound exhausted in my posts (is that possible?) or if I'm completely absent for the next few days it's because I'm doing my part for the human race repeatedly.
Vladimir
10-18-2010, 02:20
A noble effort my friend. :bow:
We all do what we can.
pssssssst http://www.spitsnieuws.nl/archives/tech/2010/10/hollandse_pot_goed_voor_sperma.html
Peasant Phill
10-18-2010, 19:37
Is there another Western European diet then potatoes, vegetables and meat/fish?
BTW, I probably should start some kind of logbook:
Temeraire's log (yes I named him after a ship) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fighting_Temeraire) :
Day 2 in the maniacal race towards fertilization.
My second-in-command is intend on taking advantage of every possibility while I try to convince her that my men need to regroup from time to time.
She, however, insists that frequency is a quality all of its own.
Some 'hull damage' has already been noted as well as some efficiency loss when getting to its goal.
Prince Cobra
10-18-2010, 20:12
Phil, I see no reason to worry. My Highness was conceived about 12 months after the marriage of my parents (and born 8-9 months later). Ahem. As far as I could remember (I read something about that, I think), many of the pregnancies don't occur during the first year after the marriage... Just take it easy. If you think too much about it, it will be counterproductive.
If this does not help use
.unfreeze.
~;)
Vladimir
10-19-2010, 01:14
Is there another Western European diet then potatoes, vegetables and meat/fish?
BTW, I probably should start some kind of logbook:
Temeraire's log (yes I named him after a ship) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fighting_Temeraire) :
Day 2 in the maniacal race towards fertilization.
My second-in-command is intend on taking advantage of every possibility while I try to convince her that my men need to regroup from time to time.
She, however, insists that frequency is a quality all of its own.
Some 'hull damage' has already been noted as well as some efficiency loss when getting to its goal.
Doh! Abandon ship! Seamen to the liferafts.
Wonen and children first, after that the men
Vladimir
10-19-2010, 20:34
Wonen and children first, after that the men
Eww, children Frags? I know the Dutch are socially liberal but that's a bit much. :no:
Eww, children Frags? I know the Dutch are socially liberal but that's a bit much. :no:
Yes it takes a lot of it if you got to do them all.
a completely inoffensive name
11-04-2011, 03:15
So Phil, did you knock her up yet?
The Stranger
11-04-2011, 03:52
nvrmind its a year old...
a completely inoffensive name
11-04-2011, 03:55
nvrmind its a year old...
That's no guarantee it hasn't happened yet.
Montmorency
11-04-2011, 08:59
Drugs these days, ACIN?
Necromancing a thread that is about the creation of life...
Scary stuff.
Veho Nex
11-04-2011, 11:32
Necromancing a thread that is about the creation of life...
Scary stuff.
We are waiting on Phil's answer Andres!!!
@Phil
Well?
Peasant Phill
11-04-2011, 12:18
A lot can happen in a year.
I didn't knock her up. In fact, we aren't together anymore since may. So I'm quite happy that there isn't a Phill jr. running around.
But all is well though, my private life is now better than it has been for years.
I don't think Peasant Phill had difficulty in that area, Warman.
Sleep little swimmers...sleep.
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