View Full Version : The funny jokes thread that this place needs
Mouzafphaerre
02-01-2005, 04:51
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Hard of Hearing
An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one
day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing
checked.
The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks and
meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the
doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Start out about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If
not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you
get a response."
That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the
living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for Dinner?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey, what's for Dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for
Dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for Dinner?"
"Damn it RALPH! For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
~:joker:
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Mouzafphaerre
02-03-2005, 17:05
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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one
night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an
ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK!!!
it's ten past three in the morning!"
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Rosacrux redux
02-03-2005, 17:15
I'll play along. Here's one
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
King Edward
02-03-2005, 17:21
A ventriloquist visiting Kerry walks into a small village and sees a local
sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun,
so he says to the Kerryman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"
Rosacrux redux
02-03-2005, 17:21
And one more (politically inclined, I fear...)
Presidential Library Destroyed By Fire
Crawford, Texas--
A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.
Both of his books have been lost.
A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
King Edward
02-03-2005, 17:24
Xmas weight gain......
Has your girlfiend/wife put on a little weight over the festive period? If
so encorouge her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in
the evening, by the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles
away..........
Rosacrux redux
02-03-2005, 17:29
And some management jokes to call it a day
A man is about to take a shower after his wife. Just when they are both naked, the bell rings. After a while, the woman decides to answer, so she wraps herself in a towel and opens the door. It's the neighbor next door. He says:
- If you drop your towel, I will pay you $1000.
She thinks about it for a while and finally lets the towel go. The neighbor looks for a moment, then pays her $1000 and leaves. She closes the door, wraps herself in the towel and goes back to the bathroom to dry her hair. Her husband asked:
- Who was there?
- Our neighbor.
- Did he give you the $1000 I lent him last week?
Bottom line: if you share critical information with your associates, especially about credits and risks, you will prevent undesirable situations.
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A Catholic priest is driving along when he sees a nun waiting for the bus. He stops and offers her a lift. She accepts and puts the baggage in the back seat. When she sits down, her vestment slips back and reveals her leg.
When the priest realizes that, he puts his hand on her leg. The nun looks at him and says: "Father, remember Psalm 129." The priest apologizes and takes off his hand. But a few minutes later, he tries again. The nun says "Father, remember Psalm 129." The priest gives up hope and doesn't try anything else. When he finally arrives, he checks his Bible. Turns out Psalm 129 says: "Go ahead and try. You will achieve glory."
Bottom line: be informed about everything related to your job or you risk losing great opportunities.
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A salesman from the city went to the country and bought for $100 a donkey from an old peasant. The peasant agreed to give him his donkey the following day.
The next day, the salesman goes to the peasant and asks for the donkey. The peasant says:
- Sorry about this, but the donkey passed away.
- Okay, in that case give me my money back.
- Can't... I already spent it.
- Whatever. Give me the donkey's carcass.
- What for? What are you going to do with a dead donkey?
- I'm going to raffle it.
- Are you crazy? How are you going to raffle a dead donkey?
- I'm not planning on telling anyone it's dead.
One month later, the salesman and the peasant meet again.
- What happend to the donkey?
- I raffled it. I sold 500 tickets for $2 each and earned $998.
- Hasn't anyone complained?
- Only the winner, but I gave him his $2 back.
Bottom line: this is an example of how to turn an unfavorable situation into a success.
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A boy goes to a pharmacy and says:
- Sir, I would like a condom. My new girlfriend has invited me to her home to introduce me to her family over dinner. I know she is all over me and I intend to calm her down tonight.
The pharmacist gives him a condom and when the boy is about to pay, he says:
- Better give me another condom, because my girlfriend's sister is on to me...
The pharmacist gives him another condom, but the boy says:
- Give me just one more. My girlfriend's mother is so horny... She insinuates lots of crazy things when my girlfriend is not around.
Time for dinner comes and the boy is seated with his girlfriend to one side, the sister to the other side and in front of him the mother. A while later, the father arrives and the boy bows down and prays.
- Lord, we thank you for this food. Bless us all... Excuse us if we have offended you in some way...
After ten minutes of prayer, the girlfriend says:
- I didn't know you are so religious.
- And I didn't know your father is the pharmacist!!!
Bottom line: don't give away your strategic planning because the lack of confidentiality can destroy your own organization.
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A salesman, a clerk, and a manager go to lunch when they find an old oil lamp. They rub it and a genie appears amidst a cloud.
- Since I usually concede three wishes, I'm going to concede one to each of you.
- Let me go first! - says the clerk. - I want to be vacationing in the Caribbean. - And *poof* he is gone.
- Do me now! - says the salesman. - I want to be in Hawaii, at the beach, with my personal masseuse, an inexhaustible provision of beer, and a top model. - And *poof* he is gone.
- Okay, it's your turn now - says the genie.
- I want those two guys back after lunchtime.
Bottom line: always let your boss speak first.
Rosacrux redux
02-03-2005, 17:37
Alright, one more. This is hardly a joke, it's the definition of an Internet Forum (like our forum here)
forum (fôr'uhm) n
A place on the internet where people of all ages, races, religions, colors, habits, musical preferences, nationalities, political views, genders, and sexual orientations can come together to insult each other's ages, races, religions, colors, habits, musical preferences, nationalities, political views, genders, and sexual orientations.
King Edward
02-03-2005, 17:40
Never a truer word spoken in jest!
Xmas weight gain......
Has your girlfiend/wife put on a little weight over the festive period? If
so encorouge her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in
the evening, by the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles
away..........
~D That really made me laugh ~:cheers:
Rosacrux redux
02-03-2005, 18:01
How do people all over the world say "I love you":
English: I love you
Spanish: Te amo
French: Je t'aime
German: Ich liebe dich
Japanese: Ai shite imasu
Italian: Ti amo
Chinese: Wo ai ni
Greek: S' agapo
Swedish: Jag alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky. and parts of Florida: Nice ass, get in the truck...
King Edward
02-03-2005, 18:42
~D That really made me laugh ~:cheers:
~D I told that one to my girl friend, it went down like a cup of cold sick........
LittleGrizzly
02-03-2005, 19:20
rofl cracking up reading all those
Evil_Maniac From Mars
02-03-2005, 20:24
"Guernsey, A small sea weed covered rock in the English Channel"
Are you aware thats where General Brock, who some call Savior of Canada(no offense to the Lord), grew up. Rofl about those jokes. Literally.
King Edward
02-04-2005, 00:28
"Guernsey, A small sea weed covered rock in the English Channel"
Are you aware thats where General Brock, who some call Savior of Canada(no offense to the Lord), grew up. Rofl about those jokes. Literally.
Yup, some chap called De Lisle was apparently quite big over there too but i dont know much about either of them to be honest... but it doesnt change the fact that gsy is a small seaweed covered rock in the english channel....
Kaiser of Arabia
02-04-2005, 00:39
Here's a few...
A guy was on a pilgramage in juresalem with his wife and mother in law. However, his mother in law died of a sickness. So he goes to the US embassy to try to have the body sent back to America for burial. The clerk says "Ok, but it will cost about 2,000 dollars to get the body back, when you can get rid of it here for around 500." the guy says "Nah transport it" and he says "What, you want the burial to be at home so you can visit the grave?" The man quickly replies "NO! I heard about this one guy who was buried in Juresalem and then rose from the dead. I can't take that chance!"
---
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The KFC bag was in my car.
Mouzafphaerre
02-04-2005, 10:48
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ROTFLMAO guys, especially your management jokes Rosacrux!
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Rosacrux redux
02-04-2005, 12:50
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ROTFLMAO guys, especially your management jokes Rosacrux!
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I thought they were funny too... alright, here's a load of jokes, to lol freely
Here is one for the Yank Reps (those who didn’t like the Bush-joke I previously posted):
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn't and the old cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied,
"the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I said I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."
And here is one rather… well, filthy:
A Buddhist monk, a Jewish rabbi, and a Catholic priest took some kids boating on an ecumenical field trip. Well out on the water, the monk noticed that the boat had begun to sink. He ran to the rabbi and the priest and shouted, "Brothers! The boat is sinking! We must save the children!" The rabbi answered, "The children? We must save ourselves! " And the priest asked, "Do we have time for that?"
…a nerdy college one….
A beautiful college student comes to her young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... *anything*!!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Yes... Anything!!!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
…one for those err… caring for animals…
The local spiritualist church was being addressed by an eminent spiritualist from overseas. After a spine tingling talk about the supernatural, he asked his audience if anyone had an intimate relationship with a ghost. "Come forward", he said, "and tell us about it."
A hand went up in the middle of the audience.
"I have, though I'd prefer not to discuss it."
After great applause and encouragement from the rest of the congregation, the shy, introvenrted little man came forward and introduced himself as Timothy.
"Well now, Timothy", said the spiritualist, "Tell us about your intimate relationship with a ghost."
"Ghost!", exclaimed Timothy, "I thought you said 'goat'!"
… a rather dirty medieval one…
When King Arthur took off on his search for the Holy grail, he fitted his Queen, Guinevere, with a novel chastity belt. It contained a little Guillotine. If anyone tried to push past it, it sprung down with a mighty whack.
On his return from the Holy Land, King Arthur commanded that all the Knights that had stayed behind remove thier trousers, and there was hardly a john tomas in sight. All except Sir Lancelot had lost thier manhood.
"Lancelot, you are the only one i can trust", said King Arthur. "What will we do with these traitors? What will thier punishment be?... Come, Sir Lancelot, speak up... Have you lost your tongue......?"
…and this one to get done with it
A guy goes to a bar, has a couple of drinks, when he notices a jar with $50 notes in it. He goes the barman and enquires about the jar. "Oh, it's our $50 club. You insert $50, complete 3 tasks, and you get membership. Members get to go on free drink tours, get discounts on the usual bar prices etc."
"So, what are the tasks?"
"Sorry, I can only tell you after you've inserted the money."
The guy chips in, and repeats his question to the barman. The barman explains, "Ok, the first task is fairly simple. See right at the end of the bar, that guy drinking alone? That's Mike Tyson. You have to knock him out with one swing."
The guy sits down again and orders a couple of beers to work up his courage. Then he orders an unopened can of beer straight from the fridge. He walks up to Mike, and says, "Hey Mike!" before using the beer can to add weight to his punch. Mike is out cold.
The guy goes back to his stool, and to celebrate his ingenuity, he has a couple more drinks. Then he goes back to the barman to find out what the other two tasks are.
"Ok, knocking out Mike was impressive, but that's nothing compared to the next two tasks. For the 2nd task, you have to go to the cellar downstairs. Inside that cellar is a rabid Pit Bull with a sore tooth. You have to bring that tooth back. For the 3rd task, well, you see that nun at the table over there? No one has been able to pleasure her properly. Ever. Your task is to bring that to an end."
Once again, before setting out to the next task, the guy has a few more rounds to steady his nerves. Quite drunk now, he stumbles to the cellar. As he gets to the door, he can already here the dog barking madly. Jumping inside, the dog wastes no time in getting aquainted. After 10 minues of barking, shouting, yelps, and the blunt sounds of flesh making contact with the walls and floor, the man reappears from the cellar. His clothes torn, covered in bites, scrapes, spit and blood whose owner is uncertain, he defiantly demands, "Where is that whore with the sore tooth?"
InsaneApache
02-04-2005, 15:01
Prolly only peeps from the UK will get this....hope I'm wrong :bow:
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to
that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a
soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie
says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after
you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough,
as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As
soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his
little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally
having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls
his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby
blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to
look after me."
I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are menthol
InsaneApache
02-04-2005, 23:01
ok, ok if I get a warn level...then so be it ~;)
just pulled this off another board...
Two pieces of black Tarmac walk into a pub.
They say to the barman "A pint each....... c'os WE are the hardest Mother:furious3: in the land"
Just then a green piece of Tarmac walks through the door.....
The black Tarmacs (heh) hide under the table 'till the green Tarmac has gone.
The barman says to them "I thought you said you were hard?"
The black Tarmac replies.............
We are, but that Green Tarmac,....... he's a CYCLEPATH!!!!!!
well it tickled me....
Mouzafphaerre
02-12-2005, 08:21
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A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
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Big_John
02-12-2005, 10:21
We are, but that Green Tarmac,....... he's a CYCLEPATH!!!!!!hahahaha best one so far
~:cheers:
the "ASS" one above is pretty good too ~:)
Sasaki Kojiro
02-12-2005, 18:25
The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army
by SGT Shawn Stanford
April 16, 2003 (long)
Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web.
Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
Not allowed to join the communist party.
Not allowed to join any militia.
Not allowed to form any militia.
Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
God may not contradict any of my orders.
May no longer perform my now (in) famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
Must not taunt the French any more.
Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
I do not have super-powers.
'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
I am not the atheist chaplain.
I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
I am not authorized to fire officers.
I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you'.
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'.
May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'.
Woad is not camouflage makeup.
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
"Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
I may not call block my chain of command.
I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
May not form any press gangs.
Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things.
Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
Nerve gas is not funny.
Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD.s.
Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
Crucifying mice - bad idea.
Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
I cannot arrest children for being rude.
An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines.
Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable.
"Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
The Microsoft ® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any orders.
'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
Shouting "Let's do the village! Let's do the whole f--- village!" while out on a mission is bad.
Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
Even if my commander did it.
Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'.
'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.
Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
The revolution is not now.
When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
No part of the military uniform is edible.
Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
Take that hat off.
There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
I do not get 'that time of month'.
No, the pants are not optional.
Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
My name is not a killing word.
I am not the Emperor of anything.
Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
The Masons and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
I am not allowed to give tattoos.
I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
Not allowed to get shot.
The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
Sasaki, your signature is quite effective. i had to open up this page in a different browser just to test it.
Mouzafphaerre
02-13-2005, 17:25
-
It's like a mirror. Shows everybody his own IP #. If only I knew how they scripted JPEGs...
-
Sasaki Kojiro
02-14-2005, 05:33
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked,"Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep
with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would
you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could
buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then
went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you
find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on
three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with
two sluts and a queer."
Sasaki Kojiro
02-14-2005, 06:16
ENOUGH SAID
> >
> >A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
> >
> >
> >She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over
immediately.
> >When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face
> >closer to hers.
> >
> >
> >When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
> >"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
> >hands.
> >
> >"Actually, no," the man replies.
> >"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running
her
> >hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
> >"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I
can
> >do?"
> >"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,
> >running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping
a
> >couple of her fingers into his
> >mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
> >
> >
> >"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to ask.
> >
> >
> >"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper
> >towels in the ladies room."
Big_John
02-14-2005, 07:28
sasaki.. you should have warned me before i read that last one... that's messed up.
:angry: :furious: ~:pissed:
:cry:
:sick2:
Ja'chyra
02-14-2005, 13:03
Very good Sasaki ~D
The Stranger
02-14-2005, 20:58
2 americans in a room
american1 said to american2: to brotherhood and comradship
american2 replied: oh so you're a comunist
The_Doctor
02-14-2005, 21:20
An Englishman, a Scotsman and and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The barkeeper says "What is this some kind of joke".
WARNING - VERY VERY LONG POST
How to be a Successful Evil Overlord
by Peter Anspach
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
-My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
-My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
-My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
-Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
-The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
-I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
-When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
-After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
-I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
-I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
-I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
-One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
-All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
-The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
-I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
-I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
-When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
-I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
-I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
-Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
-I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
-No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
-I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
-I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
-No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
-No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
-I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
-My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
-I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
-All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
-All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
-I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
-I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. --------Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
-I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
-I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
-I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
-If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
-If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
-If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
-I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
-Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
-When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
-I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
-I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
-I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
-If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
-If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
-I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
-If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
-My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
-If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
-I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
-If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
-I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
-The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
-My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
-Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
-If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
-I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
-My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
-If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
-I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
-Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
-I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
-If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
-My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
-No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
-I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
-All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
-When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
-If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
-If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
-I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
-When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
-I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
-If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
-If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
-I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."
-If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
-If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
-If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
-I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
-If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
-I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
-I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button/"
-I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
-My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
-If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
-After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
-I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
-I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
-If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
-If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, the hero will die first.
-When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
-My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
-My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
-My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
-If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
-Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
-Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.
The Dungeon
Peter's plan to create a Top 100 List has come to fruition. However, there are several other bits of advice he'd follow if he ever became an Evil Overlord...
[Editor's note: the following list is numbered using the HTML <OL> tag with the START parameter set to 101. If the list below starts at 1 instead of 101, your browser doesn't support the latest HTML standard.]
-I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
-I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
-I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
-My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
-I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
-If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
-Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
-Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
-I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
-I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
-I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
-I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
-I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
-I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
-I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
-If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
-No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
-If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
-I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
-Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
-If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
-The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
-If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
-Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
-Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
-Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
-Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
-I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
-Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
-All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
-I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
-Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
-If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
-If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
-My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
-If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
-Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
-The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
-If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
-I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
-As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
-If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
-If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
-I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
-My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
-If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
-I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
-Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
-Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
-I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
-I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
-I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
-My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
-I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
-If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
-If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
-Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
-I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
-If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
-Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
-I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
-If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
-When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
-I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
-As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
-If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
-If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
-I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
-If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
-I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
-I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
-I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
-Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
-If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
-I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
-I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
-If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
-If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
-I will not outsource core functions.
-If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
-I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
-I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
-Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
-I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
-If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
-I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
-I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
-I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
-I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
-If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
-I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
-If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
-If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
-I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
-I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
-I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
-I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
-I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
-I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
-During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
-All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
-All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
-I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
-I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
-All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
-When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
-Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
-Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
-I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
-All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
-If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
-I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
-I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
-If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
-If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
-If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
-If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
-I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
-I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
-Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
-My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
-I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
-I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
-I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
-I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
-Avoid getting sent to rough up the hero(es). Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure ticket to the bottom of the Thames. Remember, however, that all Heroes get roughed up at least once, so if this has never happened to the Hero, go for it!
-When the hero or his sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to gloat.
-If you can't resist gloating, don't boast about the reward you expect to receive from your master for bringing them in or killing them off.
-If you gloat and boast, don't be surprised if a comrade of the person you have at your mercy jumps you from behind while you're distracted with your boasting.
-If you fail to complete your mission, skip town. Returning to the Evil Overlord to report on your failure will usually get you killed.
-Avoid killing people not actively involved in the rebellion, the Evil Overlord has enough enemies as it is. Especially don't kill relatives, significant others, or best friends of the hero. Normally after the Evil Overlord is overthrown, henchmen can get off with a few hundred hours of community service, but if you off the Hero's loved ones, he'll make lasagna out of you.
-Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter, avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free?
-As tempting as it may be, never try to ravish the Evil Overlord's beautiful-but-wicked daughter. She can probably mop the floor with you. Daddy will not try to stop her.
-Learn where the trap door is in the Evil Overlord's audience chamber. Avoid standing there, especially when bad news is brought to the Evil Overlord.
-While the Evil Overlord is gloating over his anticipated success in the venture he is about to launch, it is considered impolite to ask "And if you fail?" You probably won't be flogged, maimed, or killed for your temerity, but why risk it?
-As soon as the evil lord has the hero in his power, seek the nearest available escape route. The fewmets are about to hit the windmill.
-Learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks. Heroes are usually taller and more somber, while Sidekicks dress with more flair and tell more jokes. Taking on the Hero when you only have enough manpower/firepower to take on the Sidekick will earn you an all-expenses-paid trip on Stygian Cruise Lines.
-Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by insults from the Hero or Sidekicks.
-No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how seductively she bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with you. Do not unlock the cell door.
-If the heroes give you a chance to surrender or flee, take it.
-If you surrender to the Hero, don't try to stab him when his back is turned; the Sidekick will get you first.
-If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident and unafraid despite being outnumbered and surrounded, you have encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can.
-If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all requisitions for men and firepower.
-Practice your "accidental" sword/gun dropping technique. It's the only thing that can save you when the hero is winning.
-When you have someone at gunpoint and that person says "you haven't got the guts to kill me," prove him/her wrong.
-The Evil Overlord will not risk his life to save yours. Why risk yours for him?
-If the Hero is using you as a human shield and the Evil Overlord asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say "no."
-If the Evil Overlord orders you to kill some prisoners and then departs for business elsewhere, leave as quickly as possible; there is about to be a successful rescue attempt.
-Never wear gender-inappropriate underwear if swords are common. The Hero will slice your suspenders, causing your pants to fall and exposing you to ridicule.
-Never allow yourself to be turned into a vicious, ravening beast to defeat the Hero. It never works, and you girlfriend will not understand. She will dump you for one of the Good Guys.
-Never hold hostages at point blank range. Anyone quick enough to even back into the role of Hero can punch you out faster than you can pull the trigger.
-When disposing of bodies, dump them in the Evil Overlord's territory, and not in neighboring lands presently outside of his control.
-Find out where the Evil Overlord has installed the self-destruct switch for his secret base (the real switch, not the decoy), and disable it at the first opportunity. The base will get blown up anyway, but your chances of escaping are better.
-Don't let the Evil Overlord use you as a lab animal.
-If you can't avoid being used as a guinea pig by the Evil Overlord, any powers you gain from the experiment will make it needful for the Hero to kill you at some point during the Heroic Struggle. Change sides and take your just revenge.
-Guidelines for Legion of Doom troops:
Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.
-When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction, but take a moment now and then to look around.
-And while you're pulling guard duty, if anyone shows up with a prisoner transfer or maintenance job, and you don't know about it, arrest them on the spot.
-When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly, but yell "Intruder!" while you still have breath.
-hen issued armor or uniforms that contrast with the service environment, respectfully inquire after more sensibly-colored attire.
-Get plenty of firearms practice.
-Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a million of you for a reason.
-Learn how to lead from the rear and command from afar, just like the Evil Overlord does.
-Exercise care in the abuse of oppressed peoples. Many farm implements make effective weapons in the hands of a skilled opponent. Some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about hand-to-hand, too. And it would be just your luck for the villager you pick on to actually be the Hero masquerading as one of the villagers.
-Test your armor's ability to stop a minimum of one sword thrust or laser blast, and if it does not give at least this much protection, respectfully inquire after more.
-Make sure that your headgear allows for a useful field of vision.
-Remember that if the Hero and/or his comrades are being purposefully allowed to escape, there is no need for you to get killed in your effort to "prevent" the escape.
-If a prisoner suddenly takes ill, notify the Evil Overlord and await his instructions. Do not go into the cell to examine him/her yourself.
-If you're on patrol and your partner mysteriously disappears, call for backup before you go look for him.
-If your unit's name contains words like "Imperial", "Elite", "Supreme", "Tactical", "Storm" or "Special", request a transfer as soon as possible. These guys always get clobbered first when the Heroes attack.
Tips for evil cult members:
-Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.
-Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.
-Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
-Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.
-Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
-Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.
-Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight--it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach.
-Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
-If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.
-Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, and change.
-Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.
-When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
-Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from speaking parts in any and all ceremonies. The mispronunciation of the deity's name can have catastrophic effects.
-Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
-If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified.
-When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.
-When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
-During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."
-Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.
-Never play strip Tarot.
-Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
-For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from SPAM is right out.
-Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, and other people who won't be missed.
Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter:
-Make a point of finding out all those lovely little family secrets so that the Hero can never spring them on you.
-Do not fall in love with the Hero.
-If you fall in love with the Hero, and decide to help him, do not declare your intentions to Daddy. He'll just clap you in irons, pending execution. Of course the Hero will rescue you, but that's demeaning.
-If the Hero takes you to his secret base, and once there tells all about his plans, smile sweetly, leave, and find another man; this Hero is obviously so stupid he will not be around for very long.
-If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, maim them at least. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad precedent.
-If you fall in love with the Hero, and want him to return your affection, do not use a drug concocted by a wizened old lady living on the top of a mountain. If the hero is not blind, your natural charms will be sufficient to win him over. If he prefers some tramp of a princess, then he obviously has rotten taste; find someone better.
-If you fall in love with the Hero, and learn that he has a True Love, carefully investigate the relationship. If she has never returned his affection, the position is still open to competition (but you have to work as the Hero's Sidekick for a while, first). If the True Love returns the Hero's affection, give it up. Especially, do not try to eliminate the True Love by killing her, framing her, or subverting her. You'll either fail, be unmasked as the culprit, or both.
-Do not wear dresses with high, fan-like collars. Stick with close-fitting, simple little numbers that allow you to turn your head to see behind you. If for some reason you have to wear a dress with a high collar, there is an arcane device called a "mirror" that will help you watch your back.
-Have some engineers install a hidden exit from the room where Daddy imprisoned Mommy for the rest of her days after she displeased him.
-Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies of all the Heroes in the land.
-If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only use you shamelessly. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, use them shamelessly.
-If any of your siblings try to enlist your help to overthrow Daddy, smile, agree, and then turn them in. They're either stupid (in which case the plot would certainly fail and you'll get caught), setting you up (in which case not turning them in is a very bad idea), or they've turned Good (in which case life under the new regime would be boring).
-Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled.
-Rather than simply being an attractive stage prop, make sure that you know every detail of the running of the Evil Empire, so that if anything unpleasant happens to Daddy, the transition of power will go smoothly. Then make sure that something unpleasant happens to Daddy.
-Make up your mind now whether you want to sleep with the Hero or slowly cut him into little pieces. Do not attempt the latter until you have given up on the former.
-Daddy's Trusted Lieutenant works for Daddy. When he catches you cavorting with the Hero, he will gleefully take whatever you offer for his silence, and then turn you in anyway.
-I will maintain no association with sidekicks who employ prostitutes. While such entertainment doubtlessly relieves my comrade of the wearying burden of the Heroic Struggle, the women met in this fashion tend to filch artifacts needed to defeat the Evil Overlord, act as his spies and/or assassins, carry unpleasant diseases, and (worst of all) get me in trouble with my True Love.
-I will design my ship's tactical systems so that I do not have to personally direct every single shot fired.
-I will ignore the Evil Overlord's arguments revolving around honor and/or morality. If he were really all that worked up about either, he would never have become an Evil Overlord in the first place.
-I will put surge suppressors in the circuitry of my ship, so that a shot striking some distant portion does not cause a control panel on the bridge to explode.
-When the Evil Overlord takes hostages, I will presume the hostages dead and hold a memorial service. Any promises made by the Evil Overlord regarding their safe return shall be summarily ignored. My loved ones will be warned to expect this.
-I will design my ships so that command and control functions cannot be hot-wired from a wall panel in the recreation bay.
-I will not walk alone and undisguised into a bar in the Evil Overlord's territory in order to meet with an ex-associate who said a bunch of damaging things about me in one of the Evil Overlord's propaganda pieces.
-I will design redundancy into all ship systems, so that the loss of one component will not cripple the entire vessel.
-When the Evil Overlord is hanging on the cliff by his fingers, I will not try to help him up. If time and means are available, I'll kill him then and there.
-When combat is imminent, my ships' computer will be programmed so that enemy troops that beam aboard will be immediately beamed into empty space, or the originating ship's reactor core, if that is accessible. It will also deliver a kilo of antimatter to the bridge of the ship in question.
-When I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so.
-When the enemy ship decloaks and is arming weapons, I will immediately open fire on it, instead of waiting for it to fire three or four times.
-Anyone inquiring after the secret of my strength will be fed a line of plausible baloney as to how this strength can be lost. If the bogus advice is followed, the leak shall be properly investigated.
-When a comrade defects to the enemy, I will have all passwords changed, and as soon as it is practical I will have the computer disconnected, its memory flushed, and the approved software reloaded from the original secured CD-ROMs.
-Anyone who cannot be entertained by books, music, a good game of cards and a well-stocked bar will not be allowed to crew my ship. Hence there will be no need for a holodeck on my ship.
-If an associate begins to transform into something large and threatening, I will immediately act to neutralize the threat, and not wait until the transformation is complete. Likewise, if an enemy begins to metamorphosize into something bigger and badder, I will immediately start whacking away at it instead of watching in horrid fascination.
-After capturing a space station from an enemy, I will have the enemy's computer systems completely removed, melted down into slag, and dumped into the nearest stellar object. A new computer will then be installed.
-I will take no oath of unquestioning obedience, nor any oath of obedience to persons of unproved character.
-If a comrade of mine is a sanctimonious coward who continually gets us all into trouble through his greed, I shall, after the third or fourth episode of this behavior, act to preserve myself and other comrades only, and let him be destroyed by the mess he made for himself.
-I will reveal to each comrade a different clue for distinguishing me from an impostor, so that if one of them betrays me and an impostor is sent in my place, the others will still be able to catch on to the charade.
-Under no circumstance will I agree to not develop or employ any particular technology.
-I will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for examination, and will keep in mind the possibility of cloning technology or resurrection magic.
-I will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the Malicious Scowl or Wicked Leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal.
-Self-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to phrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy.
-I will waste no time trying to get the rich to join in my rebellion. The only way to stay rich in the Evil Overlord's realm is to collaborate with him, and any rich people who truly feel guilty about this will serve the rebellion better by not openly joining.
-If my Mentor tells me that I am not yet ready to confront the Evil Overlord, I will quietly accept his judgement and remain to complete my training.
-If one of the Bad Guys manages to kill my Mentor, I'm clearly not prepared to immediately avenge him; I will retreat and develop my skills.
-I shall arrange my personal affairs so that it doesn't matter if someone learns my secret identity.
-If I am granted a vision of the future, I will not try to prevent anything that I see. It never works.
-If I am forced to make a choice between saving a friend/lover or fulfilling my mission, I will remind myself that failing to accomplish the mission will probably result in the friend/lover's death anyway, and go on with the mission.
-If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.
-If any of my associates mysteriously disappears, and then returns behaving in an uncharacteristic manner, I will immediately presume that their loyalty has been compromised by the Evil Overlord.
-Old flames that join the rebellion will be assigned duties that preclude contact with me. This not only protects me from any attempt by the Evil Overlord to use them as agents, but also keeps my True Love from leaving me in a fit of insane, if misplaced, jealousy.
-I will presume that the Evil Overlord is working to nullify my secret powers. I shall therefore obtain the means to fight that do not rely on these secret powers.
-If I have a technologically superior foe who is intent on eliminating my whole civilization, and I am offered a means of utterly annihilating this foe for all time, I will use it.
-I will enter into alliances with the Evil Overlord only on the understanding that the rationale he has supplied for the alliance is not the Unvarnished Truth, and furthermore that he will betray me at the moment most advantageous to him.
-I will never travel back into the past in order to prevent the current situation. It never works.
-No matter how sincere he looks, I will never shake the Evil Overlord's hand.
-When my powerful wizard friend fails to return at the appointed time, I won't wait until after my birthday to start my Perilous Journey. I will set out immediately.
-Anything that appears to have been too easy--escaping the Evil Overlord's fortress, defeating the Eldritch Horror, etc.--probably was too easy.
-If the Evil Overlord invites me to go on a hunt with him, I will decline the invitation.
-If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.
-I will install seatbelts in my space vessels, and have pressure suits and pressure locks at regular intervals.
-If I maintain a secret identity, I will keep my transformation ritual as simple and quick as possible so that I cannot be interrupted during it.
-I will not keep information secret in order to prevent widespread hysteria; it never works.
-My fortress will include a holding room for any annoying kids, nerds, would-be love interests and other wannabe-types who follow me there and insist on joining my group. They will be kept in this room until the Evil Overlord is defeated. If there are holodecks available, I will throw the wannabe into it while he/she is asleep and activate the Epic Adventure program.
-When the Evil Overlord's Seductive Daughter tries to subvert me through her womanly wiles, I will keep in mind the diseases she is likely to have caught from all the netherwordly creatures with whom she is probably also consorting, as well as the possibility that the Evil Overlord has a hidden camera/crystal ball trained on me and is forcing my True Love to watch.
-Technology that chronically malfunctions will be removed from my ship.
-I will not needlessly expose myself to enemy gunfire, hand-to-hand combat, or dogfights.
-There are three dimensions in space. I do not have to attack in the same plane as the opponent.
-I will not count on other rebels being as self-sacrificing as I.
-I do not need to give the Overlord a fair chance. Shooting him in the back works for me.
-I will never say "This one is mine!" and engage in a one-on-one struggle with the Evil Overlord or any of his henchmen.
-If my village allies defeat the elite forces of the Evil Overlord, I will take a few minutes to learn how they did it and incorporate the information gained into my strategies.
-If my True Love is captured and forced into marriage with the Evil Overlord, I will not attempt to rescue her until after the ceremony, unless said ceremony will irrevocably harm or alter her in some way.
-If she doesn't already know, I shall train my True Love in the art of unarmed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord uses her as a human shield she can slam her heel between his legs.
-To prevent my on-board computer from being reprogrammed by every Tom, Dick and Harry that sneaks on board, its software will be stored in ROM chips that are soldered to the motherboard; RAM will be reserved for data only.
-I will design the greatest possible degree of manual back-up into my space vessels, so that when my on-board computer begins to act strangely, I can power it down via a switch located next to my seat on the bridge, and yet not be left totally helpless.
-I will never allow someone to read the technical manuals and blueprints of my ship unless they work in engineering or operations and therefore have a need-to-know. All personnel will be properly cleared prior to assignment to engineering or operations. The technical manuals and blueprints of a totally fictitious craft will be freely available.
-If through skill or luck I defeat a better-armed opponent, I will at least try to get his/her/its weapons.
-If my starship's drive or weapons systems require lengthy charge times between uses, I shall research and develop equipment that can handle a heavier duty cycle.
-My ship's computer will have a clock rate of at least one megahertz and be programmed in C or assembler so that important calculations take a few milliseconds instead of an hour or so.
-When I and my companions sneak into the Evil Overlord's stronghold through some unorthodox route such as the main drain, and it appears to be completely unguarded, we will stop and discuss possible explanations for that observation, rather than simply praising our good luck and pressing blithely on.
-After killing a few dozen faceless, anonymous grunts in the Legion of Doom without a second thought, I will not suddenly take a merciful attitude with the Evil Overlord, his family, his lieutenants, or anyone else with a speaking part.
-When I kill one of the Evil Overlord's deer, I will not lug it to his castle and wave it in his face just to make some obscure point, only to wind up having to fight my way out of his castle. I'll just take it home and enjoy some venison.
-If a member of my crew can perfectly mimic my voice giving the commands to take control of my ship, additional security measures they cannot mimic will be added, such as palmprints or retinal scans.
-I will remember that if the Bad Guy tries to kill enough people, no one will mind too much if I kill him instead of merely disarming him. Especially if it looks like an accident.
-If my ship is constantly being bugged/robbed/invaded/taken over, I will replace my security officer, no matter how cool a character he is.
-If knowledge of the operating frequency of a ship's system aids in efforts to disable that system, I will employ an arcane development known as "frequency-hopping."
-Before allowing crewmembers to take leave on a planet, I will ensure that they are welcome and that its government recognizes legal precepts like The Rule of Law, Trial by Jury, Presumption of Innocence, and so forth. I will also learn all of the local laws so that one of my crewmembers doesn't end up on death row for scratching his nose in public or some other stupid thing.
-If one of my crewmembers is unjustly imprisoned and/or condemned, and the officials with whom I speak express a marked disinterest in his actual guilt or innocence, I will not waste time trying to gather evidence that will exonerate the crewmember. Instead, I will immediately mount a rescue mission.
-If I am offered two explanations for a phenomenon, one a logical, scientific explanation and the other a load of New Age claptrap, I will accept the scientific explanation.
-My robots will be programmed to speak only when they have something useful to say. That way I will not be tempted to ignore them when they have critical information.
-When I state my intention to do something and one of my robots interrupts me, I will at least hear it out.
-I will wear different outfits from day to day, so that the Evil Overlord's henchmen will not be able to spot me at a glance.
-If I lose a hand and have it replaced with a prosthesis, the prosthesis will have a functional weapon built in to it. I can use it to surprise Bad Guys and open canned goods.
-When beaming into hostile territory I will instruct my transporter chief to beam me into a defensible position, with the landing party facing outwards in a circle. I will have my weapon in my hand (not my pocket) before I beam down.
-I will not have sex with anyone before a battle. They will either die or betray me during the battle.
-If I beam off of a vessel that is still hostile, I will arrange to leave behind as large an explosive device as I can obtain.
-High-sounding directives notwithstanding, I will never value culture above sentient life.
-I will not have both rotating and non-rotating sections on a ship. If I need rotational gravity, I will spin the whole ship. Any navigational computer that cannot deal with this will be replaced with one that can.
-If I get incriminating evidence about an enemy or a superior, I will make several copies, and store each in a different location. I will not surrender the sole copy to anyone. If ordered to destroy the copies, I will do so, after first making more copies.
-I will not try to make a comrade run faster by yanking on his/her arm. I will instead advise them to stop turning around to look at the pursuing danger (rats, lava, etc.).
-I will not make the sidekick wait somewhere while I go on ahead. He'll only get into worse trouble than he otherwise would.
-Every member of the rebellion will have DNA tests to bring any existing blood relationships to light.
-When five seconds can mean the difference between the survival and destruction of the galaxy, I will keep my wistful expressions of undying fealty, love, or regret to a minimum.
-I will follow the advice of my Chief Medical Officer. If I am not at 100% of my usual level of physical fitness, I will stick to desk duty unless the fate of something genuinely important hangs in the balance.
-After knocking out a bad guy, I will kill him silently if I can, cripple him silently if I can't kill him, or disarm him if I can neither kill nor cripple him. If I fail to do any of these, he will come to and jump me from behind.
-I will assume that all super-weapons are operational until proven otherwise, especially if they appear to be unguarded.
-My loyal, trusted and heavily armed bodyguards will always be on hand.
-I will never leave my True Love and/or family unguarded unless they can defend themselves.
-I will always pack as much firepower as I can.
-I will never allow my people to speak to prisoners alone, but I will sometimes appear to do so.
-I will maintain constant surveillance on all prisoners in case one of my people tries something behind my back.
-If I discover a mysterious pod in my home, barn, spaceship, or alien territory, I will not stick my face into it or pick it up to see if it is alive. Instead I will have it examined via remote-controlled robot.
-All critical data and software will be backed up in off-line storage.
-A random alien's claims about his/her/its race's cultural values and attitudes will be given no more credence than a random human's claims about human cultural values and attitudes.
-I shall instruct my comrades in the fine arts of tactical combat, such as dispersing assets, walking point, advance, flank and rear guards, etc.
-I will not throw infantry into close-quarter combat with creatures of leviathan stature, but shall turn such affairs over to the artillery crew.
-If my ship is whisked to the far side of the galaxy, leaving us with a seventy-year journey home, and a super-being offers to take us home instantly in exchange for having his baby, I'll agree and ask what we can get for two babies.
-I will not trust a being with an inordinate number of tentacles.
-I will always read the fine print.
-Being captured by the Evil Overlord is one way to learn his secret plans, but are innumerable other ways that are better, and they will be tried first.
-My weapon of choice will be the one that allows the greatest distance between me and my target.
-If anyone beams down and their personal communicator drops carrier, all life forms within ten meters of the last known location shall be beamed directly to the brig. A large well-armed security detail will be waiting.
-When I am forced to decide which of two identical people is the Trusted Ally and which is the Evil Doppelganger, I will stun them both and sort things out in the brig.
-When I make my escape from the Evil Overlord's encampment, I will sabotage as much of the enemy's pursuit capacity (horses, jeeps, rocket bikes, etc) as opportunity permits, sparing only enough for the use of my companions and me.
-If my trusty sidekick always blurts out the fact that I am carrying the most powerful magic object in the world, then I will get a sidekick who is less of a blabbermouth.
-No robots serving with me will be permitted to have emotion chips.
-I will be courteous to all, whether friend, foe, or neutral. Especially neutral.
-I will wear a utility belt. Not everything I need will be kept there, but I will pretend that I am helpless without it in order to fool the Evil Overlord.
-The people in charge of Sick Bay, Engineering, and R&D will not be the only people staffing those functions, nor shall they accompany away teams.
-I will treat law enforcement officials with respect, permit them to handle affairs that are within their capacity, and solicit their advice when circumstances allow. This will establish mutual respect and a good rapport.
-I will not ask "What does God need with a space ship?" and then order a torpedo strike. I will order the torpedo strike first, and ponder theology on the trip home.
-If I have a weakness, I will look for a Sidekick who does not share this weakness. Failing that, I will form a mutual-support association with a Hero not sharing this weakness.
-When sneaking into the fortress of the Evil Overlord, I will disguise myself as someone whose normal behavior I can emulate.
-My people will be assigned duties commensurate with their skills. I will not task pilots with leading a ground assault, infiltrating enemy camps, etc.
-If I am in dire straits due to a lack of the rare substance that fuels my ship, I will scan my environs for supplies of the substance, paying especial attention to the natives' jewelry and other decorative artifacts.
-My guards will be instructed so that when a voice around the corner says "come here," they will assume the speaker to be an intruder and respond accordingly.
-If I board a derelict ship, and it appears that the former crew and passengers all died in some horrible fashion, I will immediately leave the ship, destroy it, and toss the wreckage into the nearest stellar object.
-If I am in red alert status and discover that it was a false alarm, I will stay in red alert for a while before standing down.
-If I am forced to retreat after being ambushed by overwhelming forces, I will not run home where it's safe; whoever is behind the ambush probably has plans for me when I get there.
-I almost certainly have an Evil Twin running around somewhere, if not by birth then as a creation of the Evil Overlord. I will keep an eye out for him, and plan accordingly.
-I will never allow fashion sense to prevent me from carrying whatever is useful or needful for the Heroic Struggle.
-When the Evil Overlord tries to guilt-trip me by claiming that I'll be responsible for something he plans to do if I don't cooperate with him, I'll mercilessly quote Ayn Rand to him.
-If the Evil Overlord wears a mask hiding his features, it's either because he doesn't want to be recognized or because he's bodaciously ugly. I will psych myself up for the shock resulting from either cause when I rip the mask off of him.
-Anyone I imprison will be stripped, scanned, and given a prison uniform. This will prevent them from assembling weapons from pieces hidden in their regular clothes.
-When someone opens the Eldritch Portal to Hell, and I have the means to close it, I will employ said means immediately, and not stop to explain things to everyone.
-People who whine about not being trusted are either
Operatives for the Evil Overlord
Mind-controlled by the Evil Overlord
Totally clueless about concepts like OPSEC and need-to-know
Dangerously neurotic and/or immature
and are consequently not to be trusted.
-If a mystic proclaims that my destiny is to "defeat the darkness," "bring freedom to the downtrodden," or some such other glorious accomplishment, I will immediately begin preparations for the role. I will not wait for the mystic and several other innocents to get rubbed out by the Evil Overlord.
-If my powers depend on a talisman in my possession, I will never openly display it, but keep it hidden in my codpiece/brassiere; a flashy, gaudy article of jewelry, having no mystical potency of any kind, will be brandished when I employ my super powers.
-I will begin my lifelong fight against crime immediately upon discovery of my powers, instead of witholding my assistance from the police, thereby allowing a minor criminal to escape and murder one of my loved ones.
-If I find myself born or drafted into a universe wherein the laws of nature do not obey consistent principles, I will depart for an alternate universe created by a more reasonable author.
-I will never take a vow to marry only someone who can defeat me. I will learn of those laws which limit my marriage options and work towards their repeal. I will decided when and who I marry, thank you very much.
-I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord.
-If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.
-If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.
-If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.
-I will obtain skill in unarmed combat, so that I can kick Bad Guys between the legs, and put my elbow into the Evil Overlord's solar plexus when he uses me as a human shield. I will not, however, attempt to tackle a Bad Guy bare-handed as long as more practical alternatives exist.
-I will obtain skill in armed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord and the Hero are engaged in mortal combat, I can grab some dead henchman's weapons and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor.
-I will obtain skill in the use of my legs and feet, so that I can actually run from one place to another without tripping over every shadow, crack, and pebble along my path.
-If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me.
-My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks.
-Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if it only works on Stupid Bad Guys, it never hurts to try.
-After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in.
-Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might reasonably exist.
-When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphorical sense, of course).
-My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate for the occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical. It will also protect me from frostbite and hypothermia. If my clothing becomes torn in a manner which threatens to cause me to die of exposure or transform into cheesecake, I'll steal a jacket from some bad guy. As I am confident that my charm, loyalty and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem girl outfit is reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever after.
-I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base.
-If I have any odd phobias to spiders, snakes, lightning, und so weiter, I will seek therapy and overcome them, so that when lives depend on my ability to behave intelligently, I won't panic. Since liberated women can still have it both ways, I will feign phobias in order to deceive or distract Bad Guys.
-If I am offered a bribe, I will accept it, and inform the Hero by a pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after will be happier if we have a good nest egg to start on.
-The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the Bad Guy.
-Knowing that tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep an eye out for any and all creatures that might have them.
-I will obtain some basic mountaineering skills so that when I am dangling off of a cliff the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me.
-If I am presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day myself, I will at least try, and not wait for the Hero to do it.
-I will never buy an apple from peddlers plying their craft in remote places where the customer base could not possibly support a full-time merchant.
-I will not give sloppy, wet kisses to the Hero until I verify that he isn't related to me.
-I will not jump out of a lifeboat as it's being lowered over the side of a sinking ship. I'll either give my spot to a mother with a baby and join the Hero in a noble death, or sensibly stay on the lifeboat and treasure my memories of him forever.
-I will not steal confidential information from the Hero in an attempt to further my career, thus causing the Hero's dismissal from the team assembled to save the earth and severely damaging his efforts to succeed.
-If the Hero tells me he wants to break up with me or quit his dangerous job for my protection, it's already too late; a kidnapping is already in the planning, and I will take all reasonable precautions against it.
-I will obtain a device that the hero can use to locate me when I, despite my best efforts, am kidnapped.
-I will refrain from converting the Captain of the Guard to our side, as it means he will be killed while helping me to escape.
-I will refuse all gifts from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain mind-control devices that would make me giddily happy to marry him. It's demeaning enough to be head-over-heels for the Hero, let alone a creep like the EO.
-When the Sidekick rescues me, I will dump any gifts received from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain tracking devices, which would result in the Sidekick getting killed; then I'd have to listen to his confession of undying love while he croaks, and feel obligated to say some comforting baloney before his eyes close for the last time, and then after telling the Hero about his friend's courageous sacrifice, wind up naming our first child after him.
-There is a fifty-fifty chance that the Hero's Sidekick is in love with me. I'll find him a spunky, moderately-attractive tomboy type about his height, and steer them towards each other. If they quarrel, they're in love; if they hit it off, she loves him, but he's secretly unhappy with her and still loves me, and the Hero will need to send them off on a mission together.
-If I absolutely must scream, I'll use actual words with useful information. "I'M BEING EATEN BY A SHUGGOTH!" better enables the Hero to rescue me than does a simple ear-splitting "AAARRRGGHH!"
-When the Evil Overlord says that he was driven in his evil by my radiant beauty, I'll just kill him.
-I will never vow to slay the killer of my brother or other near relative; there is a fair-to-middling chance that the Hero did it, that it was an accident, and that I won't learn he did it until after I fall in love with him.
-If the hero tells me to stay put while he goes on ahead, I will do so instead of sneaking around and getting captured.
-When selecting a love interest, I will keep an eye out for the spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type who is about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are probably spies from the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to sweet-talk valuable information out of me or tempt me over to the other side.
-Optimism and survival appear to correlate negatively. If I find myself hopeful at all times about human nature, I will verify the status of my insurance policies.
-I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them. If I am the most inventive person ever born, I will cultivate those talents instead of trying to become another swashbuckler.
-I will coordinate all Heroic Struggle-related activities with the Hero; if I can't tell him what I'm doing, I probably shouldn't be doing it.
-I will not go to town for information if I am routinely beaten to a pulp for doing so.
-I will exercise caution during the Heroic Struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death nor the heat of his fury to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.
-I will be quiet and try to stay sober most of the time. If I get drunk and sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are really working for the Evil Overlord.
-If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.
-When the beautiful captured spy offers me sexual favors, they are only a trick to kill me and escape; I will decline.
-If I take up the profession of arms, I will not necessarily ape the Hero's fashion sense. Specifically, I will have sleeves on my shirt, and the shirt will be buttoned.
-If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.
-Before accepting the role of Sidekick, I will learn how the position became vacant.
-If the Hero sends me out on some errand, I will go, perform the task, and return. I will not drop by the tavern for a tankard of ale.
-If the Hero does something that hurts my feelings, I shall presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off by myself in a fit of self-pity, only to be captured by the Evil Overlord.
-I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me.
-If I am flying a one-man craft which is critically damaged, I will eject instead of belting out a long, despairing, agonized scream as I fly the craft into an enemy structure.
-If the Hero has any extra-nifty weapons or armor, I will try to obtain like items for myself.
-I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a planet.
-I will not tell the Hero any of my plans regarding settling down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.
-I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform other personal tasks on his behalf.
-When the Hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, and take the bus. Let the car bomb blow him up for a change.
-I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero with such frequency that the fans say I have a revolving door in the afterlife.
-I will make plans for disposal of my body after I have died, so the Evil Overlord cannot use it for insidious reasons of his own.
-Somone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly.
-If I find a pit, I will not throw a rock into it to see how deep it is, unless this information is actually needed for some reason.
-If I fall in love with the Hero's True Love, I will inform the Hero first, and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and find someone else.
-If the Hero calls for me from some dark place I did not expect him to be, I'll hit the place with some manner of illumination, ask for the password, and proceed with the utmost caution.
-If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.
-If the Hero wants me to go get something, I'll arrange for delivery. If this is not available, I'll take along a few faithful comrades. At no time will these services be performed at night.
-Never take on someone that has just beaten the Hero, unless it is to distract him just before the Hero delivers the killing blow.
-If the Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money; don't go. Not even if he's playing Prince's music. Especially if he's playing Prince's music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, catch the next one.
-Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will certainly be interesting, but do not be in the studio audience when he/she/it hosts "Saturday Night Live." Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape.
-If you're riding on public transport and the Magnificent Seven board your train or bus, get out immediately and wait for the next one. Especially if they're in their street clothes.
-If you are exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It's always the buxom redhead who gets taken hostage by the bankrobbers.
-Do not run back to get your teddy bear or puppy.
-If you have small children, keep them on one of those kid leashes when in public, so that they won't go running back after their teddy bear or puppy.
-When a Bad Guy uses you for a human shield, certain delicate areas of his body are in striking range of your heel. Go for it.
-If an acquaintance of yours seems to disappear everytime the Hero puts in an appearance, rub some of those brain cells together and see what comes up.
-If your child has an adult friend who frequently urges your child to clear his/her mind, or tells you that your child has "a rare gift," set your affairs in order. Your days are numbered.
-If you are a news reporter, find a happy medium between the people's right to know and your right to not get kidnapped/held hostage/etc.
-Likewise, if you are a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman, and your first shot bounces off of the intruder's chest, try shooting other areas of the intruder's body, like their face, groin, etc. If this also fails, do not waste the rest of your ammo on him/her/it, or risk your neck in hand-to-hand combat; instead, fall back and observe.
-Do not attempt to duplicate the means by which the Hero gained his/her powers. You will either fail and die a lingering, agonizing death, or succeed, lose control of your powers, wreck half of the city, and make it necessary for the Hero to kill you to neutralize the threat you pose to everyone else.
-If you associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming a True Love or a Sidekick, depending on your availability and mutual gender preferences. The former situation will involve hostage situations on a semi-regular basis, but chances of survival are optimal. The latter position can be quite hazardous to your health; avoid it.
-If the Hero and the Evil Overlord are engaged in mortal battle, go somewhere else as quickly as possible, before you are squished by a car, the statue of the city's founder, or a collapsing skyscraper.
-If you notice that your fellow reporter can type 1,024 words per minute, you should be able to tell that something's up.
-If the Evil Overlord offers you immortality, superpowers, or infinite wealth, and all you have to do is something that seems terribly trivial, don't. It's a trick. You will be used as a pawn in a larger game, and then crushed like a bug.
-Don't try to impress your significant other by emulating something that a Hero once did. Doing so usually results in said Hero having to come and save your butt. And you look like a complete loser, too.
-When you hear reports that the Hero has been involved in some illicit activity, remain skeptical; it's probably a frame-up.
-Never purposely investigate the Hero in order to learn his true identity. Success will get you kidnapped by the Evil Overlord.
-If a Superhero takes up residence in your city, a nice spacious estate in the country will help you to actualize your potential lifespan.
-If you are a security guard for a vast, powerful corporation, try to get assigned to the Marketing or Personnel departments, rather than R&D.
-If there's a shy, quiet kid in your class that everyone picks on, treat him with respect and kindness. When his psychic powers are made manifest, you may actually survive.
-If you are spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, do not sneak away to another part of the house for romantic interludes with your Significant Other. Instead, wait until you can get a nice, clean, safe motel room.
-If you come across a body, do not walk slowly in the direction of a suspicious noise, or stand above the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead, call the police on your cell phone.
-If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that you live close to civilization so that you can socialize with your peers and date. That way you'll be able to judge the Hero and the Evil Overlord on their own merits.
-If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that they educate you in their specialty, so that you can duplicate their research as the need arises, and excercise some restraint on their schemes should they become mad.
-If the Hero says "wait here," it really doesn't matter whether you obey him or not. If you stay, you will be captured by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as soon as the Hero is out of earshot. If you tag along, you will be caught by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as you stumble along.
-Evil Overlord's friendly overtures are never sincere. If he is suddenly friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and skip town at the first opportunity. If he has always been friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and feign utter uselessness in his designs.
-Learn to control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noises so that you won't give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyrannosaurs, henchmen, etc.
-If you enter a house, fortress, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc., especially one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events, and an eerie, disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go.
-If the mere presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile or fearful reaction in cats or dogs, terminate the relationship immediately.
-If someone chasing after someone else asks you to catch the latter, feign incomprehension. If you comply, you'll either catch the hero (and thereby play into the villain's hands), or catch the villain (who will waste you or use you as a hostage).
-If you are a police man, bank guard, or night watchman, and somebody breaches the concrete walls of your facility, it is generally a waste of time trying to ask them about their business.
-If a new hero shows up who take business away from the old one, keep your distance; they're either a Bad Guy pretending to be good, or their powers are not fully deveolped and will soon go out of control.
-Do not attempt to observe the Hero's fights in person, but rather, content yourself with watching it on the nightly news.
-If mysterious strangers appear at the birth or adoption of your child and make epic proclamations about him/her, listen.
-Don't make friends with the Hero's True Love. You'll buy it when she gets kidnapped.
-Do not take a shortcuts.Ever.
-Do not make the snack run alone. Bring someone else with you.
-Do not actively try to become a Sidekick or True Love. If you really have what it takes, you'll wind up with the role no matter what you do.
-If your corporation conducts research, do not volunteer to work after hours. That's when the experiments go awry.
-If you run a corporation that conducts research, do not fire one of your researchers without first dismantling every bit of their laboratory equipment.
-Do not attempt to chase custom-built vehicles, even if you are a policeman.
-Do not split up to search for the monster.
Sasaki - I laughed my ass off! :thumbsup:
Hope my list will produce similar effect...
English assassin
02-16-2005, 19:17
A very short one:
Two wigs and a jump lead are trying to get into a bar. The bouncer blocks the door.
"why can't we come in for a drink" the wigs ask.
"You two are off your heads, and your mate looks like he's going to start something."
two cannibals are eating a clown. one cannibal says to the other "does this taste funny to you?'
horse walks into a bar. bartender says "why the long face?"
Somebody Else
02-17-2005, 16:33
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Mouzafphaerre
02-17-2005, 17:14
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Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."
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King Edward
02-17-2005, 17:42
Englishman, Australian, and a South African walk into a bar in London for a pint or 2.
The South African Steps up, downs his pint and smashes the glass on the floor and says:
"In suth Efrica, we hev so much glass I never drink from de same one twice"
The Australian Then steps up, downs his pint, smashes the glass on the floor and says:
"in 'stralia we got so much sand to make new glass, we never drink from the same one twice."
The Englishman sits quietly and slowly finishes his pint. He sets his glass down on the table, pulls out a pistol and shoots the South African and the Australian dead.
He Turns to the Astonished Barman and says:
"In London we have so many South African and Australians that I never have to drink with the same ones twice!"
Mouzafphaerre
02-17-2005, 18:46
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Cultural differences explained:
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Wallow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great commedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humor.
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Mouzafphaerre
02-17-2005, 19:00
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Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians:
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps.
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend.
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle."
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you.
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but...
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see.
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car.
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses.
Cut Time -- Parole.
Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of.
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Doritos."
Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing son.
12-Tone Scale -- The thing the state police weigh your tractor-trailer truck with.
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul.
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone.
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
Cymbal -- What they use on deer crossing signs so you know what to sight in your pistol.
First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's apple pie.
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
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Mouzafphaerre
02-17-2005, 19:05
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Sixth Graders View Ancient History
The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
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i thought this joke was so funny in the 5th grade. it's interesting how one changes as one gets older. i don't find it that funny now but for some reason it's always stuck with me.
king is looking for a husband for the princess. 3 suitors come. one of which is hearing impaired. now the king is a ping pong fanatic. loves to play the game but keeps loosing the ping pong balls. so he tells the suitors. "whoever gets me the most ping pong balls gets to marry the princess, you have a week."
after a week, the first suitor comes back with a sack. he opens the sack and 200 ping pong balls fall out. the king is pleased. a little bit later the second suitor comes back with a sack. he opens it up and 300 ping pong balls fall out. the king is very pleased. a little bit later the hearing impaired suitor comes back all disheveled. [how did you know he was gonna be the last one?] he opens it up and there are 2 beachball sized balls in there. they are black with some hair and blood is dripping of of them.
the king asks "what the heck is that? i wanted ping pong balls!"
"ping pong balls? PING PONG balls??" the hearing impaired suitor asks. "i thought you said you wanted King Kong's balls."
MrWhipple
02-19-2005, 03:31
A lady went into a drug store and asked for some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide
to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license,
they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will
happen!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription.
InsaneApache
02-20-2005, 14:36
Moses went to mount Olive..................................................
.........................................................................................
So Popeye hit him ~;)
Mouzafphaerre
02-20-2005, 15:13
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Bad Day
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.
"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
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Mouzafphaerre
02-20-2005, 15:14
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How Old Scotch?
Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.
The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.
Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.
Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this."
Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
"My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!"
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
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Mouzafphaerre
02-20-2005, 15:15
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BEDTIME POEMS For BIG Kids
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered & torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue & his horn.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you idiot!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding & Pie,
Kissed the girls & made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo.
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Mouzafphaerre
02-20-2005, 15:15
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Hit the Monkey
2 guys go into a bar. One guy said to the other, why is that monkey over there? He answer "Well watch this."
He went and slapped the monkey across the head and the monkey went and sucked his dong. So he said to the other guy, "Wanna try that?"
He answered "Sure. Just don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."
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Mouzafphaerre
02-22-2005, 01:39
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Golfer Quick Dinner
A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day. Suddenly she blurts out, "oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his butt."
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Sasaki Kojiro
02-24-2005, 02:58
so...Heisenberg and Schrodinger were driving in their car...Schrodinger at the wheel. The ran over a cat. Heisenberg turned to Schrodinger and and said:
"You just ran over a cat!"
Schrodinger: "Is it dead?"
Heisenberg: "heh heh, get this, I can't be certain."
Big_John
02-24-2005, 03:34
isn't it "heisenberg"?
Evil_Maniac From Mars
02-28-2005, 20:16
Great thread ppl, keep it up!
Blodrast
03-01-2005, 03:23
(RING)
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
**Brief Pause**
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool ?!?! Is this 555-7039 ???
Mouzafphaerre
03-01-2005, 04:31
(RING)
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
**Brief Pause**
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool ?!?! Is this 555-7039 ???
-
ROTFLMAO! ~:joker:
-
AntiochusIII
03-02-2005, 07:06
Whoa, cool thread. Don't let it die!
No, I'm not here to make jokes; these are complaints: (Almost ~D )
WHAT PEOPLE IN POLITICAL FORUMS LOOK FOR IN POSTS
Score 50 for each post...
1. Whose side are you in? The Republic of Liberalism Councils or the United States of Conservative Assemblies? If you are my opponent, you're wrong. Simple, effective. ~:cool:
- 20/50 So... 20/50
2. Look for words F***, S***, Damn, God, Freak, F***er, MotherF*****, and everything of that nature that offended every weak-minded individuals in the internet. :dizzy2:
- 15/50 Thus, 35/50
3. Look for sarcasm, mild offense, offensive rhetorics, hidden offense, imaginative offenses, and anything that can be claimed at offense, only to say "You are NOT playing by the rules, stupid." :embarassed:
- 10/50 Now, 45/50
4. Look for every single fact available in every site in the world that are much more believable than people with faces. They are the gods of truth and trust and those vultures looking for facts worship them... unless they disagree with the poster, then that's a LIE! Internet is NOT believable! ~;)
- 5/50 and... 50/50
5. Your opinion. Priceless
I don't want this to make people laugh; it makes me laugh on you people drinking stinking beers complaining about everything that pleases your companions. ~D
Mouzafphaerre
03-02-2005, 14:37
-
Time for a repost. ~;)
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
16 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
6 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
50 to flame the spell checkers
48 to correct spelling/grammar flames
7 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb”
...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
154 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their “acceptable use policy”
118 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
1 to ask if when buying a new bulb they should go for a screw or bayonet type
98 to argue that their version of screw in or bayonet is better than the other and always will
27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the “Me too’s” to say “Me three”
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a “FAQ”
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
143 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again...
-
Blodrast
03-02-2005, 23:18
hey, that entire thread was great !!
(so, which category does that put me in ? :) )
InsaneApache
03-04-2005, 12:47
Why do elephants have Big Ears? ................................................
'coz Noddy wont pay the ransom!!!!
Hosakawa Tito
03-05-2005, 20:24
I had strict parents growing up, especially my dad. When I was 10, I got caught smoking with my friend Larry. My dad busted us. So to teach me a lesson, he shot Larry in the face. He was like, "See son? Smoking can kill you!"
A few years later, he caught me smoking again. I didn't have Larry there with me this time, so I called my friend Joel. He came over, and Dad shot him in the face. He said, "See son? Even secondhand smoke can kill you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his seat on a plane to Chicago and realizes the woman next to him is hot.
"Business trip or vacation?" he asks.
"Business," she replies. "The annual sex convention."
"What are you doing there?"
"Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality," she answers.
"Like what?" asks the guy.
"People think African men are the most endowed, but it's actually Native American men," she says. "And another myth is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it's actually men of Jewish descent. Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity."
Blushing, the woman adds, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying all this. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," says the man. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Boudreaux."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun wearing a full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her in the face. Before she can scream, he lands a quick jab and finishes with an uppercut. She goes down, and the drunk starts kicking her in the sides. A few of his friends walk out of the bar, and as they pull him off the bloody nun, he yells, "you're not so tough, are you, Batman!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between "potentially" and "realistically".
"Easy," says the father. "First, ask Mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."
The boy runs off, then comes back and says, "She said yes."
"Now go ask your sister the same question," advises the father.
Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, "She said yes."
"So, potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars," replies the father. "But, realistically, we're living with a pair of whores."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending.
Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
“So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”
“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”
Mouzafphaerre
03-05-2005, 23:53
-
I had strict parents growing up, especially my dad. When I was 10, I got caught smoking with my friend Larry. My dad busted us. So to teach me a lesson, he shot Larry in the face. He was like, "See son? Smoking can kill you!"
A few years later, he caught me smoking again. I didn't have Larry there with me this time, so I called my friend Joel. He came over, and Dad shot him in the face. He said, "See son? Even secondhand smoke can kill you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his seat on a plane to Chicago and realizes the woman next to him is hot.
"Business trip or vacation?" he asks.
"Business," she replies. "The annual sex convention."
"What are you doing there?"
"Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality," she answers.
"Like what?" asks the guy.
"People think African men are the most endowed, but it's actually Native American men," she says. "And another myth is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it's actually men of Jewish descent. Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity."
Blushing, the woman adds, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying all this. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," says the man. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Boudreaux."ROTFL! ~:joker:
-
A good blonde joke...
Why are Asians so smart?
None of them are blonde.
(god I'm bored)
The Indiscrete neighbor:
-Mary, are you sick? I´m asking because i saw a doctor coming out of your place this morning.
-Look, Jane, yesterday in the morning i saw a soldier coming out of your place and we are NOT at war, are we???
The Human Resources manager is interviewing an applicant for a job. After reviewing all the basic info, he asks:
-Habla usted español?
-¿Excuse me?
-Habla usted español? - the manager insists.
-I'm sorry, i don't understand you.
-I asked if you can speak spanish.
-¡Oh, yes! Perfectly well...
WARNING - VERY VERY LONG POST
You're so right, it took a long long time to read that one . . . :book:
-----------------------------------------------
This is an excellent thread mouz.!! :bow: :bow:
-----------------------------------------------
here's my little Dutch-Belgian mean joke:
***
Every jear, Holland and Belgium hold a contest in rowing, but the Belgians lose every jear. After a few jears, Belgium has had enough and they hire a detective for researching the problem. After a few days the detective comes with secret information: Dutch formation = 7 men rowing and 1 man leading the boat.
Belgian formation = 1 man rowing and 7 men leading the boat.
The belgian conclusion: The rower must be motivated more.
***
the dryest joke ever:
***
two elephants walk over a bridge, one says against the other: shall i throw you in the water? The other says: no.
*** (that was it.)
the joke my best teacher makes every day
***
Do you know that joke of the teacher that stopped working? He didn't!
***
he's about 70 jears old, and means he's not gonna' stop working.
Mouzafphaerre
03-09-2005, 19:30
-
Blonde joke! :yes:
A blonde walked into a bank in London and asked to see the Manager. She said that she was going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needed to borrow £5,000. The Manager said the bank would need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde handed over the keys of a new Aston Martin DB7.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank, she had the title and everything checked out. The bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoyed a good laugh at the blonde for using a £100,000 Aston Martin as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeded to drive the DB7 into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returned, repaid the £5,000 and the interest, which came to £15.41. The Manager said "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The blonde replied "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
:tongueg:
-
KafirChobee
03-09-2005, 23:18
From PB:
Three married couples moved into town and wanted to join the local church. The minister told them that before they could ne admitted, they had to abstain from sex for 30 days.
One month later they returned. The minister asked them if they had fulfilled the requirement.
The elderly couple said they had no trouble abstaining.
The middle-aged couple said the first two weeks were difficult, but thay managed to abstain.
The third couple were newlyweds. The husband said, "We were doing fine until my wife dropped a can of paint."
The minister asked, "A can of paint?"
The husband said, "Yes, when she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't control myself and ravished her on the spot."
The minister said, "Well, I'm sorry. But, given that fact, you won't be welcome in our church."
Husband: "I understand. We're no longer welcome in Home Depot, either."
Why do mice have small balls?
Not many of them know how to dance.
What do you call two dozen rednecks at an orgy?
A family reunion.
Oh, well.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy...
Yes I know, bad taste but I couldn't help myself
Taken from Strongbow (.com)
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said. . .
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Evil_Maniac From Mars
04-01-2005, 03:14
Must....resurrect....thread.....
Three new recruits are trying out to become CIA agents, two men and a woman. They have passed all their tests so far. Their instructor then tells them they have only one more test to pass, to prove their loyalty, they must kill their spouses.
The Instructor takes the first man into a room where is his wife is sitting, hands him a gun and leaves the room. After about a minute the man leaves the room and says "I just can't kill her, I guess I fail."
The instrucor takes the second man into another room where his wife is, and gives the man a gun. After a minute he comes out and says "I can't beleive I pulled the trigger. Thanks God you didn't put any ammo in it."
"We leave all the guns empty for the test, we don't want someone to actually die."
The instructor then takes the woman into a room where her husband is sitting, and gives her a gun. After a few minutes, she comes out. "You forgot to load the gun, so I had to choke him to death."
cunobelinus
04-04-2005, 11:56
1.a man walks into a bar ? ouch
2.a blond climbed over a glass wall to see wats on the other side
Craterus
04-04-2005, 14:33
I posted some blonde jokes in the backroom, shall i post them here? Go to the Backroom Jokes thread to see them, they are pretty good and have been really popular over the years that I've known them...
KafirChobee
04-06-2005, 06:22
A blonde suspects her husband is cheating on her. So, she buys a gun and comes home early one day. Sure enough she finds her husband in bed with another woman.
"You bastard", she screams, and points the gun at her head.
"No, baby, No! I can explain - don't do it!", the husband pleads.
"Screw you!", the wife laments, "Your next!"
True story: Took a friend of mine and his girlfriend on a tour of my lake (My, as in I live near it), she of course was blonde. She is also an accountant - no dummy (?). He and I were trading blonde jokes back and forth - and she finally got PO'ed about it.
"Blondes' ain't dumb (I quote) we just don't get the ignorance of men."
Hmmmmmmmm - sounds like a challenge of gender.
So, I held up two fingers and twisted my wrist back and forth, "How many fingers am I holding up?", I asked.
She looked at me quisically and replyed, "It's a trick question."
I swear it's true. My bud almost fell out of the boat laughing. Me? I was stunded.
:balloon2:
Funniest sight in the world:
A blonde with a tampon behind her ear asking "where's my pencil?
Kongamato
04-06-2005, 07:42
This wasn't worth it's own thread so I'm sticking it here. It's not exactly a joke. If you've been on the internet long, you've probablly run into one of Weebl's wacky cartoons. Here's his latest, Demolition Squid. (http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/58/)
About time this thread is resurrected !
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Enjoy !
Quid
Craterus
04-15-2005, 18:31
About time this thread is resurrected !
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Enjoy !
Quid
Hehe lol.. ~:cheers: ~D :cool3:
Here's one:
Attempted Suicide
One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live anymore. So she went to the doctor and asked, ''What's the best way to kill yourself?'' The doctor told her, ''Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.'' She asked him, ''Where's the heart located?'' The doctor said, ''It's three fingers below the nipple.''
Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, ''We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.''
tibilicus
04-15-2005, 19:13
Lol i actually get this one ~D
InsaneApache
12-20-2005, 16:55
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Your going to love this....................
> >Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
and.....
While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been)
I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked:
"Runway too short??
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher"
The copper was surprised and confused. "A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then
With my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.”
:san_grin:
Kagemusha
12-20-2005, 17:24
A woman went to a doctor.The good doctor read the medical file of the lady and the short description written by the nurse who checked the woman in the hospital.Doctor asked the woman: So dear lady you told the nurse that you have a huge alcohol problem,can you describe more exact terms your problem.
The woman answered: Yes i have suffered a many many years from this huge alcohol problem,my husband.:san_grin:
InsaneApache
12-21-2005, 11:52
A woman went to a doctor.The good doctor read the medical file of the lady and the short description written by the nurse who checked the woman in the hospital.Doctor asked the woman: So dear lady you told the nurse that you have a huge alcohol problem,can you describe more exact terms your problem.
The woman answered: Yes i have suffered a many many years from this huge alcohol problem,my husband.:san_grin:
Was something lost in translation?
Anyway here's another one.....
A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted 'He's behind you!'
:san_laugh:
Ianofsmeg16
12-21-2005, 13:35
What do you call a blonde virgin?
A Brunette :)
Did you hear the one about the Dyslexic Devil worshippers?
They sold their souls to Santa :D
A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian go to a swimming pool. At the swimming pool, they encounter a genie who tells them they can all do a wish when they jump off the diving board.
The Dutchman goes first. He jumps from the board and shouts: "Money!", and sure enough, the swimming pool is filled with money.
Next goes the German. He jumps from the board and shouts: "Beer!", and sure enough, the swimming pool is filled with beer.
Finally, the Belgian goes. He walks up the board, slips, and shouts: "Sh*t!"
The next one's kinda old, but still funny:
Jacques Chirac, Bill Clinton and Ruud Lubbers (former Dutch PM) are flying around the world in a plane.
At one moment, Clinton sticks his arm out of the window and says: "We're flying over New York!" "How do you know?", ask the other two. Clinton responds: "I can feel the top of the Empire State Building."
Some time later, Chirac sticks his arm out of the window and says: "We're flying over Paris!" "How do you know?", ask the other two. Chirac says: "I can feel the top of the Eiffel Tower."
Again some time later, Lubbers sticks his arm out of the window and says: "We're flying over Amsterdam!" "How do you know?", ask the other two. Lubbers replies: "My watch is gone."
Kagemusha
12-21-2005, 15:11
Was something lost in translation?
Anyway here's another one.....
A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted 'He's behind you!'
:san_laugh:
Thats a good one!:san_laugh: About the joke i made earlier.The woman had a huge alcohol problem and that alcohol problem was her husband.~;)
Dutch_guy
12-21-2005, 18:43
Again some time later, Lubbers sticks his arm out of the window and says: "We're flying over Amsterdam!" "How do you know?", ask the other two. Lubbers replies: "My watch is gone."
isn't it supposed to be Morocco instead of Amsterdam :san_rolleyes: , well at least that's the version I know :san_laugh:
:balloon2:
InsaneApache
12-22-2005, 19:35
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing. As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."
I'll get me coat :san_embarassed: :san_laugh: :san_laugh: :san_rolleyes: :san_kiss:
A Dutchman walks into a Belgium gun shop.
Dutchman: I kind sir,
You wouldn’t happen to have an Ak would you?
Belgium: srry m8 sold them all.
The Dutchman little bit disappointed says:
Mmmm To bad,… How about an Uzi then?.
Bel: Sorry m8 sold them all.
Dutchman getting little bit frustrated and asks:
K how about a grenade then?
Bel: All gone man.
Dutchman getting pissed:
How about some sort of handgun then?
Bel: Na, all out of those to.
Dutchman extremely annoyed:
A knife, piece of wood SOMETHING?
Bel: nop sorry
Now the Dutchman is going almost berserk, he bangs he’s hand on the table and in an extremely loud voice he asks. Do you have something against Dutchmen???
Bel: Oh sur: Ak’s, Uzi’s, genades , handguns, knifes,…
Every morning Kees the intelligent Dutchman buy’s 2 newspapers.
1 Holland one to read while he’s on the toilet.
2 A Belgium one to wipe he’s ass when he’s done.
They had to take the poor bastard to the doctor cause he’s ass was getting smarter then him!
What’s:
1 Dutchman on the moon? 1 Dutchman on the moon.
2 Dutchmen on the moon? 2 Dutchmen on the moon.
10 Dutchmen on the moon? 10 Dutchmen on the moon.
1000 Dutchmen on the moon? 1000 Dutchmen on the moon
All Dutchmen on the moon? THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION.
Just kidding lads you know we love ya.:knuddel:
InsaneApache
12-22-2005, 22:25
Edit: wrong thread.
Just kidding lads you know we love ya.:knuddel:
Sure mate. :san_wink:
Back in the day when the borders were still closed, two Dutch customs officers are patrolling the Dutch-Belgian border. Suddenly, they see a dead body lying in the bushes. They are pretty annoyed by it's presence: "The paperwork will take us all day!" "Screw this, you know what we'll do?", says one against the other, "We'll just drag the body just across the border and pretend we didn't see it." So they do drag the body across the border and walk along inconspiciously.
After a while, two Belgian customs officers who are patrolling the same border section pass by. Suddenly, they see the dead body lying on their side of the border: "Well I'll be damned!", says one against the other, "There he is again!"
Alexanderofmacedon
12-23-2005, 01:05
Lmao...good thread guys...
Brutus, nice one!:san_laugh:
This thread is being locked over Christmas. Too much nasty nationalism and some of the posts will have to be edited.
Closed.
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