The Atheist

[kiwitt]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What Majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant, the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

[Divinus Arma]

Perhaps the bear would have also accused his dinner of being a baby-murdering leftist socialist? And that we should all pray in schools? And that God is on Americas side? And that if his dinner didn't vote Republican, he would eat him more slowly?

[Byzantine Prince]

LMAO!!! The bear is a Christian. ~D
Where would it go? Bear heaven? ~:confused:

What if the atheist had a huge knife and when the bear was praying he stabs the bear in the heart and then has his way with the corpse? ~D :devil:

[Taffy_is_a_Taff]

you need something better than a big knife to kill a bear.

[Azi Tohak]

Thank you all for the attacks on Christianity ~D

I rather like the story myself. And GC, I don't know if a person could out run a bear. It seems to me the bear should be able to catch up to the nincompoop pretty quick.

Divinus Arma, I think the bear would only eat more slowly to enjoy the flavor. I mean, if you're dead, you're dead right?

Azi

Edit: D'oh, I did not finish this silly thing the first time.

[scooter_the_shooter]

This proves how "tolerant' the left really is. :embarassed: I thank god most of you aren't americans we dont need more people with your attitudes here.

[Sjakihata]

nice story, except the stuff with the lights never happens, whether the victim (or meal) is christian, jew, atheist or muslim.

[Strike For The South]

I hope the bear scarfed him

[Divinus Arma]

This proves how "tolerant' the left really is. :embarassed: I thank god most of you aren't americans we dont need more people with your attitudes here.


Actually, I am very conservative. I am also an American. And I also happen to be a Marine who served in Afghanistan. I am just not a "Christian Conservative".

I am just in a jerkish mood right now. ~D

[Azi Tohak]

This proves how "tolerant' the left really is. :embarassed: I thank god most of you aren't americans we dont need more people with your attitudes here.

Come on now, they are just joking. I think. Anyway, why get upset at them? And you know as well as I do that we have people just like them here. I.e. look at Universities.

Azi

[Papewaio]

Well I thought it was funny.

====

A) Bears shit in the woods.
B) The Pope is Catholic.
C) If Bears are Catholic, does the Pope shit in the woods?

[Divinus Arma]

I was making a shrewd and clever observation as to the political posturing of the very far right.

[Slyspy]

nice story, except the stuff with the lights never happens, whether the victim (or meal) is christian, jew, atheist or muslim.

Maybe it would if the believer were a bear? We must baptise one and conduct an experiment.

[JAG]

Man, some of you guys need to lighten up - it was funny and only meant to be so, not offensive.

I am sure you guys can think of equally funny and non offensive short stories like this about us evil Atheists.

[Uesugi Kenshin]

I agree with JAG, it was pretty funny and shouldn't be taken as offensive, it is merely a short story. It's not saying that aetheists in general are hypocrits or anything like that...

[Azi Tohak]

Man, some of you guys need to lighten up - it was funny and only meant to be so, not offensive.

I am sure you guys can think of equally funny and non offensive short stories like this about us evil Atheists.

Uh oh...we agree again... I think JAG just hit on one big problem with too many of us Christians. No sense of humor about our faith. As much as I love my own teacher, she really does need to lighten up about her faith.

And I would love to tell a story about an Atheist getting his commupance...but I can't come up with one right now.

Oops. I just realized I did not finish my previous post. D'oh!

Ahem, sorry about that :embarassed:

Azi

[Roark]

I love how Ceasar nearly transformed it into a Left vs Right thing...

[Azi Tohak]

Too much does. Or it becomes another X vs Y thing (ahem...'the good old days' thread...). But I'm glad we have all just kind of gone right past that part.

But does anyone know of any other stories?

Azi

[Strike For The South]

Heres another story its not that funny but its got a moral and we all love those ~;)

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt!

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber and I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

[Azi Tohak]

Very nice Strike. Very nice. :2thumbsup:

Sounds like something my grandma would say! ~D

Azi

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Man, haircuts are expensive. I got mine cut once and the swindler charged me $12.

[Byzantine Prince]

Umm well you can try to go TO God all you want, he's still not gonna be anything other then a figment of your imagination. The barber on the other hand is right there waiting for him(assuming he has money). There's a huge difference. You could ask for god and accept god all you want, if you let's say were a jew in holocaust(an example), asking god for help, I bet you not very much would be different, then if you were a communist in holocaust not doing that. In fact they might even spare the communist.

I know I'm not suposed to take this seriously, but if it was a better constructed story maybe I would, it just isn't.

[Strike For The South]

Umm well you can try to go TO God all you want, he's still not gonna be anything other then a figment of your imagination. The barber on the other hand is right there waiting for him(assuming he has money). There's a huge difference. You could ask for god and accept god all you want, if you let's say were a jew in holocaust(an example), asking god for help, I bet you not very much would be different, then if you were a communist in holocaust not doing that. In fact they might even spare the communist.

I know I'm not suposed to take this seriously, but if it was a better constructed story maybe I would, it just isn't.

The point is God isn't gonna find people people need to find god and get haircuts ~;)

[Productivity]

The point is God isn't gonna find people people need to find god and get haircuts ~;)


Then explain why my anonymous family member is dying of cancer here, despite having spent their whole life trying to find god.

*this is true, I just don't want to give details as to who they are for their own benefit.

[bmolsson]

This was very funny.... ~D

[Azi Tohak]

Then explain why my anonymous family member is dying of cancer here, despite having spent their whole life trying to find god.

*this is true, I just don't want to give details as to who they are for their own benefit.

For the same reason my Methodist Preacher grandpa died of liver cancer. The same reason my dad died when I was 19. God's will.

What a lame answer huh? But there is nothing else to say to your question.

Azi

[Productivity]

For the same reason my Methodist Preacher grandpa died of liver cancer. The same reason my dad died when I was 19. God's will.

What a lame answer huh? But there is nothing else to say to your question.

Azi

I know that's the answer. I just dislike the argument that you just have to turn to god and everything will be allright. It's a false argument. I personally don't beleive in god, but I don't care if you do or don't, that's your choice.

But you have to accept that in beleiving in god, sometimes god will do things that you don't like. Saying everyone who has problems has them because they don't come to god is false. Plenty of people who come to god have problems, and god doesn't allways solve them.

[Strike For The South]

I know that's the answer. I just dislike the argument that you just have to turn to god and everything will be allright. It's a false argument. I personally don't beleive in god, but I don't care if you do or don't, that's your choice.

But you have to accept that in beleiving in god, sometimes god will do things that you don't like. Saying everyone who has problems has them because they don't come to god is false. Plenty of people who come to god have problems, and god doesn't allways solve them.

You make a good point dgb and I think everyone who belives in god knows he wont solve there problems because what we get at the end of our journey is 1000 times better than anything you could imagaine

P.S I hope your family member recovers i will pray for them

[JAG]

You make a good point dgb and I think everyone who belives in god knows he wont solve there problems because what we get at the end of our journey is 1000 times better than anything you could imagaine

P.S I hope your family member recovers I will pray for them

..Ad hoc... Argument. ... GAH! *mind fizzles*

[Roark]

I just dislike the argument that you just have to turn to god and everything will be allright.

So do I, and I'm a deist.

[Ice]

Heres another story its not that funny but its got a moral and we all love those ~;)

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt!

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber and I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."


:angel: ~:thumb:

[Sigurd]

There are no atheists in a foxhole. There are no gods in a foxhole either.

[Hurin_Rules]

A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to heaven," the mother replied.
Her son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

http://www.atheistalliance.org/aaw/Jokes.htm

[Sasaki Kojiro]

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on a ledge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

"Well, there's so much to live for." "Like what?" "Well, are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist." "Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said, "Die, heretic scum!!" And pushed him off the bridge

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.





A man dies and finds himself before Peter and the pearly gates.
Peter asks, "what heaven do you want to go to?"
The man says, "what do you mean, there are different heavens?"
Peter says, "Yes of course, we admit people by faith, and we see that you don't have any particular one. How about a tour?"
The man agrees. They walk past the Muslim heaven, where men are reclining by a harem of virgins. They pass the Catholic heaven, where they are playing bingo and drinking Guiness. Then they pass two thick doors and Peter signals for him to be quiet.
After they have passed, the man asks what heaven that was.
Peter says, "oh, that's the fundamentalists. They would be unhappy if they thought anyone else was here."




In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, each day, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall
and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims .............
I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow
up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a @#$%^& wall."

[discovery1]

Funny site. Not that many actually seems like their really Atheist Jokes though

[Lazul]

"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

well when I was younger, I went to church and "went to God"... and my life was a living hell more then, then now.
So, where the logic? when I really wanted to believe in god my life was shit... now, when Im an agnostic and dont give a crap about god or anything like that my life is really improving.

IMHO i think that if god exists I think he likes Atheists and Agnostics better, since we dont bother him so much, whining and complaining to him couse the world is f-ed up.

Atheists- Gods best Children!