Well, i'm back. Sort of. [Archive]

Mikeus Caesar

03-27-2006, 15:48

13 days later, and i'm back. I'm still not totally over the reason i left, but i decided it was time to rejoin the .Org. For now.

I guess i'd better explain to you what happened, shouldn't i?

Some of you may recall my thread of last year where i talked about my yearning to commit suicide and so on. Well, my depression has come back with a vengeance.

A few days before my recent leaving, i started cutting myself again. Only small cuts every few days, that let out barely a drop of blood. I could tell my depression was coming back, so i thought i'd better leave here until i managed to master covering it up, because i don't want to be making horribly depressing posts around here.

And so, the cutting got worse and worse, until they became large cuts, gushing with blood. Just today i did it, two large slices into my left arm. Blood all over the place.

And despite all this taking my anger out on myself, i still feel the need to commit suicide. And thus, i am currently contemplating jumping off a bridge nearby me. If i disappear completely and am not back within a month, then i'm afraid i won't be back at all.

But for now, i'm here, posting. Make the most of it :2thumbsup:

Craterus

03-27-2006, 15:59

Welcome back, I guess.

Go look at your old thread and see how many people care about you here. There's probably a lot of advice that could be useful there too.

I never really know what to say to people in your situation. Hang in there; things will get better.

Ianofsmeg16

03-27-2006, 16:04

Mikeus, mate, friend, co-orgah, listen to me now. There is no worst way to deal with your depression than cutting or harming yourself. Talk to those that love you, friends, relatives, fellow orgahs, these are the people that will get you through your depression, cutting yourself is a quitter talking, and your British for god sake, we do not quit!
If you want advice. Talk to a Doctor, Friend, or Relative, do NOT harm yourself

Reverend Joe

03-27-2006, 16:04

Mikeus, check your PM's... I want to say a few words to you in private.

discovery1

03-27-2006, 16:08

Mikeus Caesar

03-27-2006, 16:09

Thank you all for your support. It's nice to know people care. But the problem with cutting, is it's like a drug. Once you start, you can't stop. It's just...a pleasant feeling. You can't describe it, but it just makes a nice change from the feelings of 'i hate my life'.

Pictures, anyone? You'd be amazed at the amount of blood these small cuts let out.

(intentionally haven't got tags around them so you don't have to see if you don't want)

[I](We're happy to talk, but leave out the pics please - Beirut)

doc_bean

03-27-2006, 16:48

Drop the cutting, pick up masturbation, it's a much better way to 'let some pressure off' !

Now, a little more serious, I spend most of my teenage years being suicidal. I never acted on it and am glad I didn't. Believe me, life gets better. Or at the very least, more interesting. The thing that finally stopped me from feeling suicidal (well, it had probably something to do with hormones too) was the idea that I had already killed myself, 'inside', and that the rest of my life was just a ride where I could enjoy the scenery. If that makes any sense. Life gets a whole lot better if you stop thinking about things as 'bad' but instead start seeing them as 'interesting'.

Beirut

03-27-2006, 17:45

My man, we're here and we are happy to chat with a brother Org-ster, especially in a time of trouble. :bow:

But be clear on this - we're here for support and even a bit of sympathy, not as a punching bag for your emotions. Make the distinction and treat us as we would treat you, and don't post any more pics like you did.

We've all had troubled times in our lives, and truth be told yours can't really be any worse than anyone else's except, of course, that they're yours. We can respect that. We're here for you, we'll listen and we'll talk, we're not going anywhere. But we expect an effort out of you if you are going to involve us.

What we want to know is what you're going to do for us? What step in the right direction are you willing to take on our behalf if not your own?

LeftEyeNine

03-27-2006, 19:03

currywurry, man, this is getting over-repeated but I've seen the end of this life. Though I was overwhelmed with depression most of the times before that close-to-death experience, I never thought of commiting suicide, maybe I was just afraid of death.

Mankind generally does not take a step on behalf of others' advices. I don't believe that. Whatever I and other friends have said/may be saying will only create temporary relieves, if does happen. I know what you are going through indeed, these are not words from someone not aware of the pain you feel, I have to repeat.

Living a life where you can lose the sweetest thing/one the other minute, sorrow and such is not worth a penny. You and we are all alone in this mess whoever may be around you, however there are ones that make the most out of it. Life is meaningless but meaning is not what humankind is aimed at or looking for.

So first of all, decide if you want to get out of the trouble. Make sure if you really want to do it, -I know every human is worth their existence- and then go get some professional aid. Do whatever the way you are prescribed. Co-operation in such circumstances is vital. Doctors/Psychiatrists do not take you out of hell, they are all earthly beings. They 'll just help you on it. Depression re-occurs generally unless the individual does not find out the root, grab and rip it off. Psychiatric medication generally helps you build a web around you, feel numb towards what makes you feel depressed or whatever it is. Then it is up to you to evaluate this time gained. Minimum depression treatment with medicines takes 6 months longing around 2 years or maybe even more -until one feels and gets assured that he/she is fine indeed.

I took a freakin' hard time to ravel what entangled me inside. Self-deception and getting to know yourself are keys to knock such exhausting problems. And man, I gotta tell you, suicide is for the weak. Survival of the fittest still rules and I'm a bit "indifferent" to those that find suicide as a solution. It's like knocking down the case of your PC since you could not jump to the next level in a game. Too easy.

Do not get frustrated by me. I want to tell you that you are worth your life as long as you want it. If getting in the mud and not moving a finger is all one can do, it does not matter whether he/she whines about it. Let the rule take its turn.

I can't stand and watch one dwelling in such mental problems, I'll be here as long as you need some help. But this is not some child play, you'll get out of it if you're serious about it.

P.S. Those masochistic actions just don't seem right. Decide what you want to do and if you prove out to be a survivor, kick off by consulting for a professional psychiatric help as soon as possible.

Viking

03-27-2006, 19:05

Whatever you do, it`s your decision, but don`t haste yourself. Think through what you`re doing.

That`s all I got to say....

Kagemusha

03-27-2006, 21:11

Mikeus. If you are feeling suicidal,talk to others about it.Its good that you can tell about your feelings here.But if your depression turns into self mutilation.Please get professional help.You are not alone in this world with your depression.There are people that can help you out of it.But what ever you do,dont throw away your life. Suicide is never an solution,its just a wasted life.I wish you strength and my prayers are with you.~:)

-Kage

edyzmedieval

03-27-2006, 21:31

You sure you're ok? Maybe a psychologist will help you out.

Oh, girls are a much pleasant activity than suicide. ~D

King Henry V

03-27-2006, 21:36

Mikeus, I have always thought of you as too intelligent to commit suicide. Please don't prove me wrong.

Viking

03-27-2006, 21:56

That`s just...plain wrong to say, IMO.

Evil_Maniac From Mars

03-27-2006, 22:38

Don't do it. You're still what, a teenager? Look. However bleak life is, it's not so bad as to warrant that. DO NOT DO IT! And pick up something else instead of cutting. Or use a popsicle stick, foam, something that won't penetrate. You'll still get to do it, but it won't hurt you.

I don't mean to be too harsh here, but suicide is STUPID! You have no idea how your adult life will turn out! For all you know, you could be a long lost cousin of the Royal Family or something...

The_Doctor

03-27-2006, 22:52

Don't do anything like that. If you must hurt yourself, try bursting spots.

If you kill yourself, you cannot undo it, your gone forever.:no: And you will become a sad little statistic on a piece of paper or an advert.:no: It will be a waste of life and some unknown potential. You could do amazing things and change the world for the better.

GoreBag

03-27-2006, 22:54

Thank you all for your support. It's nice to know people care. But the problem with cutting, is it's like a drug. Once you start, you can't stop. It's just...a pleasant feeling. You can't describe it, but it just makes a nice change from the feelings of 'i hate my life'.

I've heard this one before. Not to sound like a jerk or anything, but how's the sex life?

Kongamato

03-28-2006, 01:33

I'm glad you're willing to ask for help before you do anything. There is a chance that all you want is attention, but maybe you need that. I remember being depressed and gloomy at your age, so I guess I'll try and help. Maybe my case back then is similar to yours.

I remember the last time you came in here, you scoffed at the ideas of exercise and religion. I never tried serious religion, but exercise worked. Once you put in about a month of time of serious exercise, the changes become noticeable and you'll realize that you can, indeed, see a human being in the mirror. Getting stronger made me feel better. Of course, I was grossly out of shape back then. You might be different.

I remember being very frustrated and having many violent, hate-filled fantasies involving baseball bats, powers, and fire extinguishers to the ear back then. Looking back, I think that these were generated because I was not living up to my potential, that I didn't have any power over the world. I knew I could do better. I fixed this by working hard when I got into college. Good grades make you feel like you aren't a piece of trash. Plus, this was college and I was working for me, and not for my parents. I got to stick it to them that way. By the way, do your parents help you with these problems or make them worse?

There's a theme developing here. Work at being who you always wanted to be. Except a dead guy.

I also got a few years older. My problems might have been exacerbated by the hormones.

A lot of people's personalities and attitudes are generated by their environments. Try changing yours. Delete things from your computer, watch different TV, stop watching TV, throw a bunch of old junk away, clean your room, and rearrange the furniture. If you want things to be different, something has to change.

Change is a lot less messy than suicide, plus the whole internet won't laugh at you. Suicide tells me that you don't want to be you. Don't be you then. Change yourself. You won't be or feel "fake" if you do it, either.

I remember that I got off on self-pity, and I had a few friends who did as well. I think that just made it worse. We dragged each other down, and it didn't matter that all we felt was unpleasantness, as it created group camaraderie. I remember that you had a suicidal girlfriend. Are you two suicidal so you can sympathize with each other? I don't have the right to tell you who not to see, but I don't know if much good can come from this.

Well, that's all I can remember right now. Tell me what you think if you feel the need to. Damn this post was long.

Alexanderofmacedon

03-28-2006, 03:17

Don't do it man. We'd all miss you man.:shame:

I hope you work things out:juggle2:

Papewaio

03-28-2006, 03:26

For all you know, you could be a long lost cousin of the Royal Family or something...

Well for me that would be a reason to top myself. :dizzy2:

Currywurry there is so much in the world to see and do. Really huge amounts to see and do.

It is annoying when you are younger and don't have the visible means to travel and do what you want. It is also upsetting not achieving goals that seem simple and at other times it is frustrating not having enough challenges worthy of sinking your teeth into.

However there is so many fantastic things that even little old I have seen. And there are tiny little moments in which I have found the beauty in while the rest of society have rushed by missing out on it.

If you are going to cause yourself pain, I suggest you do it by doing weights... you will feel it for days afterwards if you have not done them in a while. It burns, you can barely move a muscle, you move like an old man and the pain is almost constant... as is the endorphin rush.

Or take up long distance running, train to run a marathon then you will know pain. When you are coughing up your lungs, barely able to breath and about to vomit you will feel quite euphoric when you can take a deep breath again... and you will feel better about yourself. It is something that you can control. And if you can eat up the pain you can use it to your advantage. Learn to control one thing in your life and other things will just seem to fall into place around it.

Zalmoxis

03-28-2006, 03:31

Welcome back. There are better ways to deal with depression than cutting yourself. Acts of violence against objects in your house, for example.

Divinus Arma

03-28-2006, 03:35

Yikes. Tough topic. Especially so since a community member announced his suicide over his favorite forum elsewhere.

Always remember that it is not death you seek, but escape. You don't want to die, you want your pain to end. These are very different things. If your suffering could stop, would death seem as attractive? If you could choose to be happy, wouldn't you?

If you would rather be happy than die, you are already on the right path. Do not seek death. Seek escape from your pain.

There are many ways to do this. And it begins with you. A decision to change your life. It can be better. And if you make it so, then it will be better.

Best Wishes CW. The community is always here for you. :bow:

Evil_Maniac From Mars

03-28-2006, 03:51

Well for me that would be a reason to top myself. :dizzy2:

Ok, may have been a bad example...how's this?:

For all you know, you could be German or something...:idea2:

I remember the last time you came in here, you scoffed at the ideas of exercise and religion. I never tried serious religion, but exercise worked.

My idea. AND IT WORKED! For me at least.

Reenk Roink

03-28-2006, 04:00

I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said by others, but add me to your concerned friends list...

Uesugi Kenshin

03-28-2006, 04:07

Mikeus don't do it.

No matter how bad things get this is all you have. Go out take a run, do something. It will help. Committing suicide is just about the worst thing that you can do with your life, especially now when you are so young. Do anything to get your mind off of whatever is depressing you, or if you are just depressed find something to occupy your mind anyway.

I can't really say that your family will help, mine didn't really help when I was somewhat depressed, but , but if things have gotten this bad it is definately best if you talk to them about it.

Also don't be ashamed to go to someone else about this, or to go to a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, or therapist (there are small differences between them...).

Whatever you do don't kill yourself, and please stop hurting yourself. You will be missed no matter how worthless you feel now. People do care about you and value you.

Samurai Waki

03-28-2006, 07:11

I know how you feel. Everyday the world gets a little darker, the blood in your veins turns to acid; the hatred, rage, and complete utter sadness are the only things you feel, coupled with the void you feel somewhere in your head. Its the warrior spirit mate, a blood lust, a passionate yearning to be somewhere else, or to transcend your physical being, because the life you had in this world is not the one you are meant for...
But, it is and you don't realize that yet. I fought myself day and night and day all over again for five years, because I knew in my heart at the time that things should be different. I had money, I had cars, I had girls but it was never enough to satiate my hunger. Having nothing and being young and depressed is the same as having everything and being young and depressed. Because you know in your mind that this is not the way and it never will be.

But, you grow older and if you defeat it, become stronger and wiser than you have ever been before. The lessons you are learning are the hardest you will ever take, because you are always walking the fine line between life and death and one slip could send you reeling into oblivion. Take the chance now to correct it, if you have rage punching something (not living) until your nuckles are swollen and bleeding will correct that, if you are sad no matter of happiness will ever be enough, turn that into guile and build yourself a fortune. If you are irritated read a book, or take up tailoring or something that takes a long time to do, and you will have learned patience. When you have done that for a long enough time, you will have killed yourself, but not the person you were planning on killing, the depression itself. And no matter what, wave after wave of misfortune and bad luck can never dissuade you, and depression will fuel your ambition. Those of us that do suffer from it and that have been to the very abyss of the human mind know that status quo is never good enough, you become something great, maybe for even one person, or not at all. It is your decision, be sure to choose wisely...

One more bit of advice I can give you: Never let yourself be silent.

R'as al Ghul

03-28-2006, 07:37

And despite all this taking my anger out on myself, i still feel the need to commit suicide. And thus, i am currently contemplating jumping off a bridge nearby me. If i disappear completely and am not back within a month, then i'm afraid i won't be back at all.

I'm not a friend of suicide. It's cowardice.
But I empathize with you and do believe that your problems are serious if you contemplate it. It's my experience that talking about the reasons for your feeling can already make you feel better because someone knows and you've uttered it. As long as you're the only one who knows the nature of your problem is a secret and you won't feel the need to change yourself. If somebody knows there's no point in hiding and chances are you will start to deal with it and change your mind.
You could talk with a relative or a friend. I don't know your age or your relation with your parents but I know from myself that my parents aren't my first choice in matters like this. Fortunately I've a girlfriend who can help me.
And you have some of the finest people, the orgahs, to help you out.
The only thing you need to do is to "confess", tell us everything. Tell us how you feel and most importantly "why?". Chances are that some of us have experienced your problems before and can share some thoughts. Of course, every individual has to find a personal way but you'd be surprised how similar our thoughts, fears and anger are. Plus, you've told someone.

Keep in touch.

:bow:

Byzantine Mercenary

03-28-2006, 11:48

st johns wort is supposed to be good for depresion, its an ilness like any other, don't let it kill you

Big King Sanctaphrax

03-28-2006, 16:25

st johns wort is supposed to be good for depresion, its an ilness like any other, don't let it kill you

Or he could take, y'know...medicine that actually works...

Geoffrey S

03-28-2006, 17:07

Talk to people. It really, really helps if you choose the right person, don't worry about not being taken seriously; most time people can consider it an honour that you'd confide in them about such things and are more than willing to help. If it really is too hard to talk to relatives and such about this extensively, try telling us here. It might help, or it might make it easier to talk to others about your problem. But never, ever keep it to yourself, that only ends up building up pressure.

Try to take your mind off wanting to hurt yourself. I do know it's hard, but in the end you do have to break through the cycle. Force yourself to do other activities. Maybe pick up a hobby, something that takes your mind off things: Papewaio's advice of taking up a sport as a substitute to wanting to hurt yourself is certainly excellent. It's tough breaking out of such a cycle, but you have to at some point before it gets worse.

Listen to the advice of others, and take doctors and suchlike seriously. If they are to help, you have to be willing to listen.

Best wishes. And for God's sake, please don't listen to too much Nick Drake! ~;)

Kagemusha

03-28-2006, 18:36

KukriKhan

03-28-2006, 20:23

You know my feelings from the last time.

At the very least, get some light. Preferably sunlight, but any bright light will do. And do anything that will make you breathe deeply.

Sitting in a dark room, breathing shallowly, will eventually make anyone dark and brooding.

That part of you that you think craves "end", doesn't really; it's just trying to trick you. And it isn't "you". You possess ideas and feelings... but they don't possess you. You're in charge, even when you think you're not.

Be well. Do something for someone else; especially some random act of kindness. And keep in touch. We care.

Byzantine Mercenary

03-29-2006, 13:24

Or he could take, y'know...medicine that actually works...
well ive heard that it is very effective and many conventional anti depresants have side effects and are treating the symptoms rather then the cause

LeftEyeNine

03-29-2006, 14:08

well ive heard that it is very effective and many conventional anti depresants have side effects and are treating the symptoms rather then the cause

The cause -as long as it is not of an organic defect in the brain- can not be cured by taking a pill and sitting down on your ***. There is a general description that what is seen as "depression" is only the part of the iceberg above the water.

What's more, the anti-depressants are known to be the most suspicious drugs that really cure or not. They need intensive clinic tests with placebos to determine their efficiency before getting an approval.

Mikeus Caesar

03-29-2006, 16:06

I don't know why, but i just went mad last night and caused a large gash down my left forearm. One advantage of it is that having this bandage on for a few weeks should prevent me from cutting there anymore. Who knows, i might stop cutting altogether. Which will be good.

(picture of the bandage on my arm, no blood or anything)

(No pics my friend, we already discussed this - Beirut)

Craterus

03-29-2006, 21:56

Your parents? They must know, right? What are they doing to help you through this?

Mongoose

03-29-2006, 23:35

Just tell your parents what you're telling us. They'll help you much better then anyone oever the internet is going to be able to.

Csargo

03-29-2006, 23:43

I really dont know how to help you cause theres no really way you have to decided that you don't want life to end if you just keep on going and keep on trying Im sure that good things will happen and things will get better in your life theres no doubt about that. When I feel down I always listen to music when I feel depressed it helps me feel better.

Good luck to you

Byzantine Mercenary

03-30-2006, 13:54

The cause -as long as it is not of an organic defect in the brain- can not be cured by taking a pill and sitting down on your ***. There is a general description that what is seen as "depression" is only the part of the iceberg above the water.

What's more, the anti-depressants are known to be the most suspicious drugs that really cure or not. They need intensive clinic tests with placebos to determine their efficiency before getting an approval.
i know and i wouldn't suggest just taking it and then doing nothing else, it was only an idea.

Axeknight

03-31-2006, 21:22

Now here's a top tip: next time you feel like cutting yourself, take an icecube. Hell, take several. Hold it in the palm of your hand and squeeze it til you've crushed it. Same feeling of release, but you're not hurting yourself.

Mikeus Caesar

04-01-2006, 17:20

Erk, got back from a party last night. Was a bit tipsy (3 shots of strong russian vodka and a bottle of WKD), but in control of myself. Went to my room, as usual. Cut my arm to shreds. Many cuts. I'm starting to think i may take your advice, to tell someone. But the odd thing is, the pain that i crave from these acts of self-mutilation, i no longer recieve. I'm having to cut deeper, and cut more to get the pain. And when i do get the pain, it's the most unbelievable feeling in the world. You feel like no one can bring you down, like your on top of the world. Almost like you never thought about suicide. Then you start to come down, and you look at the cuts, and wonder what is the point in it all.

Beirut

04-01-2006, 17:51

My friend, you're going to have to face the music and take the first step. You are going to have to get help. Period.

Talking to us is fine, but all we can do is offer long distance advice and sympathy. You are going to have to deal with this. You are going to have to talk to someone who can help fix this situation, and the situation can be fixed no matter what you think.

If you don't know what else to do, then walk into a hospital emergency room, today!, and tell them what's going on. Tell the doctor everything. Tell him you want and need help. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Start the ball rolling towards a new and better life.

Now, my friend, get off your ass and get some help. Feeling sorry for yourself and getting sympathy from others is all fine and dandy, but does nothing. Time to take the bull by the horns and deal with it. It's up to you to take the first step.

We're all looking forward to your next post where you tell us you did something positive.

Viking

04-01-2006, 19:57

You feel like no one can bring you down, like your on top of the world.

Exactly. What you might be needing is attention in real life, or just to stop caring about other people, and live your life your own way...

I dunno if Freud agrees with me.

LeftEyeNine

04-02-2006, 23:29

Well in my first post I had tried to mention what Beirut just said far more clear than me. Get pro help, currywurry, the mess you are within is not a childplay.

Byzantine Mercenary

04-03-2006, 01:08

oh man it sounds like youve damaged the nerves in your arm, even if you haven't yet thats what will happen, that sort of damage doesn't heal easyly if at all, find another release man, try the ice cube thing axeknight mentioned,

surely your parents have noticed if youve needed bandages?

Mikeus Caesar

04-03-2006, 17:41

I got fed up with my arm last night, slashed the palm of my hand. Straight through the skin, lots of blood. Still hurts a bit now.

surely your parents have noticed if youve needed bandages?

Jumpers, dear boy, jumpers. Their long sleeves cover everything.

LeftEyeNine

04-03-2006, 18:33

Friend, are you aware that you still come here and tell us about your self hack'n slash game ? Please, for the sake of God, get help. What's more it's getting unpleasant to hear here you cutting through yourself.

Beirut

04-03-2006, 18:35

That's it. That's all.

We have been friendly, sympathetic, and have offered the clearest advice possible, that being go talk to someone today. But this is enough. I told you not to use the members here as emotional punching bags yet all you do is post about further self-abuse and not one word about what you're doing to try and improve the situation.

This thread is closed. PM me if you want to talk, or would like to open up this thread again to actually discuss matters.

If you start another thread like this I'll insta-ban you on the spot.

You want friends, fine, we're here. You want an audience - go somewhere else.