Dealing with retroactive jealousy

I have it.
I'll keep it short. My girlfriend (of over an year) and I ran into her ex around two months back. She's not on friendly terms with him, but she likes to be polite so there was some small talk, and he cracked a joke about 'some night back then', after which she led me away. I am a curious person, specially when it comes to her, and a few evenings later while I was having a drink with her I asked her as to what exactly was her ex referring to. Now one thing about her that I like is that she's always honest with me. Brutally honest. She was a little tipsy and I was treated to a very graphic account of what her ex had been talking about.
Since then I've not been able to get the images out of my head. I talked to her about it a few times afterwards and she was a little surprised, but tried to help me out by listening. Did not help. I went to a common friend who majored in psychology and talked to him about it and he asked me to write down all the times I thought about things and write letter to my future self and what not. None of that helped. He finally told me that if it was just about forgetting what I'd learned there was no full proof way and only time would help me do that.
But it's been over two months. I no longer feel as though my head will explode every time I think about it, but I'm not OK either.
All this really has no bearing on how I feel about her or on my future with her. The only problem is that it's become like this poisonous thing stuck in my head which I cannot push out. I am at my wit's end and I cannot figure out how to deal with it. Any and all suggestions would be appreciated.

There are basically two strategies which is often employed.

Distraction from the thoughts or Challenging the thoughts.

Distraction is pretty self-explanatory, it is pretty much trying to "switch the subject" mentally if the thought ever comes up. It is not really that effective, but it is a very common self-strategy people use to simply move on, and over time, it just eventually fades away before you realise it.

The other is to recognize these thoughts and challenge them. So when it pops up, just laugh at yourself, "Oh, get a grip… it’s nothing to do with me, and its forgotten". Because if it remains unresolved, it can poison your mood, making you angry or annoyed, and if some one comes along and annoys you, you might end up saying or doing the wrong things towards them which you don't mean to do.

Just give it time. You're obsessing over it because the relationship is important to you and what you heard makes you insecure about the relationship. It's standard fare for meaningful relationships. There's no cure except time.

now im curious :O what happened that night?!?

Let it fade away. Nothing going on you should be upset about

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tiaexz

There are basically two strategies which is often employed.

Distraction from the thoughts or Challenging the thoughts.

Distraction is pretty self-explanatory, it is pretty much trying to "switch the subject" mentally if the thought ever comes up. It is not really that effective, but it is a very common self-strategy people use to simply move on, and over time, it just eventually fades away before you realise it.

The other is to recognize these thoughts and challenge them. So when it pops up, just laugh at yourself, "Oh, get a grip… it’s nothing to do with me, and its forgotten". Because if it remains resolved, it can poison your mood, making you angry or annoyed, and if some one comes along and annoys you, you might end up saying or doing the wrong things towards them which you don't mean to do.

---

Hmm, I've actually been doing exactly this. Usually distraction works. In bad situations I go for challenge. It works for a short time period.

Giving it time is pretty much the only long term option I have ATM, but I so wish there was some quicker way to make my peace with it.

Man, get over it.

Everyone has baggage, and everyone has been there. A petty, but sometimes effective way is to share a story of your own so she can share in the insecurity, and perhaps re-evaluate the brutal honesty approach to certain topics. Hell, I know there are things I don't want to know about my girlfriends' exes.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SwordsMaster

Man, get over it.

Everyone has baggage, and everyone has been there. A petty, but sometimes effective way is to share a story of your own so she can share in the insecurity, and perhaps re-evaluate the brutal honesty approach to certain topics. Hell, I know there are things I don't want to know about my girlfriends' exes.

---

Good advice.

My first thought: You need to do something even more depraved with your girlfriend. You can't take back what happened with her ex, but you can try to top it!





Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, and hardly the best person to be giving relationship advice.

punch him in the head

Talking about the sex you used to have is a sign of disrespect.

Intolerable

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by drone

My first thought: You need to do something even more depraved with your girlfriend. You can't take back what happened with her ex, but you can try to top it!

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, and hardly the best person to be giving relationship advice.

---

Sounds like good advice

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Strike For The South

punch him in the head

Talking about the sex you used to have is a sign of disrespect.

Intolerable

---

Sounds like good advice.

You're obsessing because it's challenged your masculinity.

Here's another thought - he's her ex, you're not. You're the better man.

The first thing she said to me after she saw him approaching us (right after, "Oh God it's XYZ") was, "Please be cool". :tongue:

Thing is I'm not so certain about the 'challenged masculinity' angle. The very unreasonable reason that this is bothering me is that before this while I knew she had a past I never pictured her with anyone else. Now it's as if it's being rubbed in my face.
And while I knew I was relatively conservative, I never thought that it would ever be a problem for me, but now I find myself wishing that I was the only man she'd ever been with. I did not know this about myself before this incident and I would give a lot if I could simply change swap my point of view for more a reasonable and modern one. Because I know, that in this day and age wanting what I involuntarily seem to be wishing for is pretty much ridiculous.

Guy was planting a flag of course, he was obviously out to mocking you. In situations like that I resort to total politeness, the joke is on him and he knows it

I think its odd that you claim your feelings are archaic and backwards.

Acknowledge that this is how you feel and you will feel it for as long as you care about her. Trying to convince yourself that the image of a loved one having sex with another person/group of people should not be a bother sounds dumb and impossible.

Eventually you will grow tired of thinking about it and it will be brushed aside by more relevant thoughts. Or it won't and will undermine your relationship. It all depends on how fast you accept your own feelings.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rajpoot

Thing is I'm not so certain about the 'challenged masculinity' angle. The very unreasonable reason that this is bothering me is that before this while I knew she had a past I never pictured her with anyone else. Now it's as if it's being rubbed in my face.

---

And he's doing the rubbing. If I walked up to an ex and immediately brought up that crazy night you can be sure it's a subtle **** you to the new guy.

Quote:

---

And while I knew I was relatively conservative, I never thought that it would ever be a problem for me, but now I find myself wishing that I was the only man she'd ever been with. I did not know this about myself before this incident and I would give a lot if I could simply change swap my point of view for more a reasonable and modern one. Because I know, that in this day and age wanting what I involuntarily seem to be wishing for is pretty much ridiculous.

---

Yea, that's a you thing

Quote:

---

Here's another thought - he's her ex, you're not. You're the better man.

---

More convenient. Women choose, men agree.

Been intimate with just all off my siz girlfriends, no regrets great fun