A good blonde joke...
Why are Asians so smart?
None of them are blonde.
(god I'm bored)
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A good blonde joke...
Why are Asians so smart?
None of them are blonde.
(god I'm bored)
The Indiscrete neighbor:
-Mary, are you sick? I´m asking because i saw a doctor coming out of your place this morning.
-Look, Jane, yesterday in the morning i saw a soldier coming out of your place and we are NOT at war, are we???
The Human Resources manager is interviewing an applicant for a job. After reviewing all the basic info, he asks:
-Habla usted español?
-¿Excuse me?
-Habla usted español? - the manager insists.
-I'm sorry, i don't understand you.
-I asked if you can speak spanish.
-¡Oh, yes! Perfectly well...
You're so right, it took a long long time to read that one . . . :book:Quote:
Originally Posted by fuddha
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This is an excellent thread mouz.!! :bow: :bow:
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here's my little Dutch-Belgian mean joke:
***
Every jear, Holland and Belgium hold a contest in rowing, but the Belgians lose every jear. After a few jears, Belgium has had enough and they hire a detective for researching the problem. After a few days the detective comes with secret information: Dutch formation = 7 men rowing and 1 man leading the boat.
Belgian formation = 1 man rowing and 7 men leading the boat.
The belgian conclusion: The rower must be motivated more.
***
the dryest joke ever:
***
two elephants walk over a bridge, one says against the other: shall i throw you in the water? The other says: no.
*** (that was it.)
the joke my best teacher makes every day
***
Do you know that joke of the teacher that stopped working? He didn't!
***
he's about 70 jears old, and means he's not gonna' stop working.
-
Blonde joke! :yes:
A blonde walked into a bank in London and asked to see the Manager. She said that she was going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needed to borrow £5,000. The Manager said the bank would need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde handed over the keys of a new Aston Martin DB7.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank, she had the title and everything checked out. The bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoyed a good laugh at the blonde for using a £100,000 Aston Martin as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeded to drive the DB7 into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returned, repaid the £5,000 and the interest, which came to £15.41. The Manager said "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The blonde replied "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
:tongueg:
-
From PB:
Three married couples moved into town and wanted to join the local church. The minister told them that before they could ne admitted, they had to abstain from sex for 30 days.
One month later they returned. The minister asked them if they had fulfilled the requirement.
The elderly couple said they had no trouble abstaining.
The middle-aged couple said the first two weeks were difficult, but thay managed to abstain.
The third couple were newlyweds. The husband said, "We were doing fine until my wife dropped a can of paint."
The minister asked, "A can of paint?"
The husband said, "Yes, when she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't control myself and ravished her on the spot."
The minister said, "Well, I'm sorry. But, given that fact, you won't be welcome in our church."
Husband: "I understand. We're no longer welcome in Home Depot, either."
Why do mice have small balls?
Not many of them know how to dance.
What do you call two dozen rednecks at an orgy?
A family reunion.
Oh, well.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy...
Yes I know, bad taste but I couldn't help myself
Taken from Strongbow (.com)
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said. . .
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Must....resurrect....thread.....
Three new recruits are trying out to become CIA agents, two men and a woman. They have passed all their tests so far. Their instructor then tells them they have only one more test to pass, to prove their loyalty, they must kill their spouses.
The Instructor takes the first man into a room where is his wife is sitting, hands him a gun and leaves the room. After about a minute the man leaves the room and says "I just can't kill her, I guess I fail."
The instrucor takes the second man into another room where his wife is, and gives the man a gun. After a minute he comes out and says "I can't beleive I pulled the trigger. Thanks God you didn't put any ammo in it."
"We leave all the guns empty for the test, we don't want someone to actually die."
The instructor then takes the woman into a room where her husband is sitting, and gives her a gun. After a few minutes, she comes out. "You forgot to load the gun, so I had to choke him to death."
1.a man walks into a bar ? ouch
2.a blond climbed over a glass wall to see wats on the other side
I posted some blonde jokes in the backroom, shall i post them here? Go to the Backroom Jokes thread to see them, they are pretty good and have been really popular over the years that I've known them...
A blonde suspects her husband is cheating on her. So, she buys a gun and comes home early one day. Sure enough she finds her husband in bed with another woman.
"You bastard", she screams, and points the gun at her head.
"No, baby, No! I can explain - don't do it!", the husband pleads.
"Screw you!", the wife laments, "Your next!"
True story: Took a friend of mine and his girlfriend on a tour of my lake (My, as in I live near it), she of course was blonde. She is also an accountant - no dummy (?). He and I were trading blonde jokes back and forth - and she finally got PO'ed about it.
"Blondes' ain't dumb (I quote) we just don't get the ignorance of men."
Hmmmmmmmm - sounds like a challenge of gender.
So, I held up two fingers and twisted my wrist back and forth, "How many fingers am I holding up?", I asked.
She looked at me quisically and replyed, "It's a trick question."
I swear it's true. My bud almost fell out of the boat laughing. Me? I was stunded.
:balloon2:
Funniest sight in the world:
A blonde with a tampon behind her ear asking "where's my pencil?
This wasn't worth it's own thread so I'm sticking it here. It's not exactly a joke. If you've been on the internet long, you've probablly run into one of Weebl's wacky cartoons. Here's his latest, Demolition Squid.
About time this thread is resurrected !
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Enjoy !
Quid
Hehe lol.. ~:cheers: ~D :cool3:Quote:
Originally Posted by quid
Here's one:
Attempted Suicide
One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live anymore. So she went to the doctor and asked, ''What's the best way to kill yourself?'' The doctor told her, ''Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.'' She asked him, ''Where's the heart located?'' The doctor said, ''It's three fingers below the nipple.''
Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, ''We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.''
Lol i actually get this one ~D
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Your going to love this....................
> >Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
and.....
While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been)
I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked:
"Runway too short??
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher"
The copper was surprised and confused. "A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then
With my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.”
:san_grin:
A woman went to a doctor.The good doctor read the medical file of the lady and the short description written by the nurse who checked the woman in the hospital.Doctor asked the woman: So dear lady you told the nurse that you have a huge alcohol problem,can you describe more exact terms your problem.
The woman answered: Yes i have suffered a many many years from this huge alcohol problem,my husband.:san_grin:
Was something lost in translation?Quote:
Originally Posted by Kagemusha
Anyway here's another one.....
A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted 'He's behind you!'
:san_laugh:
What do you call a blonde virgin?
A Brunette :)
Did you hear the one about the Dyslexic Devil worshippers?
They sold their souls to Santa :D
A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian go to a swimming pool. At the swimming pool, they encounter a genie who tells them they can all do a wish when they jump off the diving board.
The Dutchman goes first. He jumps from the board and shouts: "Money!", and sure enough, the swimming pool is filled with money.
Next goes the German. He jumps from the board and shouts: "Beer!", and sure enough, the swimming pool is filled with beer.
Finally, the Belgian goes. He walks up the board, slips, and shouts: "Sh*t!"
The next one's kinda old, but still funny:
Jacques Chirac, Bill Clinton and Ruud Lubbers (former Dutch PM) are flying around the world in a plane.
At one moment, Clinton sticks his arm out of the window and says: "We're flying over New York!" "How do you know?", ask the other two. Clinton responds: "I can feel the top of the Empire State Building."
Some time later, Chirac sticks his arm out of the window and says: "We're flying over Paris!" "How do you know?", ask the other two. Chirac says: "I can feel the top of the Eiffel Tower."
Again some time later, Lubbers sticks his arm out of the window and says: "We're flying over Amsterdam!" "How do you know?", ask the other two. Lubbers replies: "My watch is gone."
Thats a good one!:san_laugh: About the joke i made earlier.The woman had a huge alcohol problem and that alcohol problem was her husband.~;)Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneApache
isn't it supposed to be Morocco instead of Amsterdam :san_rolleyes: , well at least that's the version I know :san_laugh:Quote:
Originally Posted by Brutus
:balloon2:
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing. As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."
I'll get me coat :san_embarassed: :san_laugh: :san_laugh: :san_rolleyes: :san_kiss:
A Dutchman walks into a Belgium gun shop.
Dutchman: I kind sir,
You wouldn’t happen to have an Ak would you?
Belgium: srry m8 sold them all.
The Dutchman little bit disappointed says:
Mmmm To bad,… How about an Uzi then?.
Bel: Sorry m8 sold them all.
Dutchman getting little bit frustrated and asks:
K how about a grenade then?
Bel: All gone man.
Dutchman getting pissed:
How about some sort of handgun then?
Bel: Na, all out of those to.
Dutchman extremely annoyed:
A knife, piece of wood SOMETHING?
Bel: nop sorry
Now the Dutchman is going almost berserk, he bangs he’s hand on the table and in an extremely loud voice he asks. Do you have something against Dutchmen???
Bel: Oh sur: Ak’s, Uzi’s, genades , handguns, knifes,…
Every morning Kees the intelligent Dutchman buy’s 2 newspapers.
1 Holland one to read while he’s on the toilet.
2 A Belgium one to wipe he’s ass when he’s done.
They had to take the poor bastard to the doctor cause he’s ass was getting smarter then him!
What’s:
1 Dutchman on the moon? 1 Dutchman on the moon.
2 Dutchmen on the moon? 2 Dutchmen on the moon.
10 Dutchmen on the moon? 10 Dutchmen on the moon.
1000 Dutchmen on the moon? 1000 Dutchmen on the moon
All Dutchmen on the moon? THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION.
Just kidding lads you know we love ya.:knuddel:
Edit: wrong thread.
Sure mate. :san_wink:Quote:
Originally Posted by Upxl
Back in the day when the borders were still closed, two Dutch customs officers are patrolling the Dutch-Belgian border. Suddenly, they see a dead body lying in the bushes. They are pretty annoyed by it's presence: "The paperwork will take us all day!" "Screw this, you know what we'll do?", says one against the other, "We'll just drag the body just across the border and pretend we didn't see it." So they do drag the body across the border and walk along inconspiciously.
After a while, two Belgian customs officers who are patrolling the same border section pass by. Suddenly, they see the dead body lying on their side of the border: "Well I'll be damned!", says one against the other, "There he is again!"
Lmao...good thread guys...
Brutus, nice one!:san_laugh:
This thread is being locked over Christmas. Too much nasty nationalism and some of the posts will have to be edited.
Closed.