EB Jokes

that's right, EB jokes; I'm not writing them, you are the one who gets to make jokes about it-it's not serious, or meant to criticize EB's team-they're awesome and so their mod. but that shouldn't stop anyone from reporting funny and disturbing stories from an EB campaign/battle...


I'm playing as romani, and I had to lay siege to Segesta, a celtic town; there I met the dreaded Gaesatae; now in EB's website they have underwear, the shield, helm, and torques. figured: poorly armored, on drugs-easy. on installing it on release date, they asked for a modesty patch to be installed, at which I said no, note reading the fine print under it...

..hehe came to assult the town, and to my horror I discovered a shocking fact, a fact about them that sucked so hard it scarred me for life...they were naked-butt naked (seriously I didn't know) even the bits showed. Now I know what the modesty patch was for...when I saw those demons I let out a cry of horror and suffered my fearst heart attck aged 17. my men were running away in a matter of seconds-since they were scary and weren't dying...:wall: :wall: :wall: I felt...I don't know...naked?! exposed? terrified to pi-ing point perhaps(I didn't do that luckily)?! and helpless...spent a week afterwards sucking my thumb:embarassed: :embarassed: :embarassed: the first time I got terrified at a unit-later experiments proved the shockiness of the Gaesatae effective on 13 yr olds from up to 50yrds+......39yr olds up to 100yrds+:skull: ~:eek: ~:eek: ~:mecry: ~:mecry: ~:mecry:

p.s I still captured segesta, losin 1/3 of my men, most from those naked F#@*ers


my situation now: :wall: ~:handball:

now to rate jokes do so from 0-10 laughing smilies-I rate mine 1, since this was a demo.

Was it a joke? Really, I don´t see how this is going to work, EB jokes are more spontaneous than really thought-out. Unless someone start making EB versions of famous jokes.

I don't know-I didn't intend (or say) this is to be funny-just the replies, I leave method up to you. and no this was not reaaly thought out; I came up with it the moment I wrote it. it's meant for people to share jokes with one another.

Why did the Pezhetairos cross the road?

==========

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ele

Ele who?

Elephantes Indikoi!

well why did he do it?

.
A Kart-Hadasti, a Lusotannan and a Makedonikos walk into a bar. The barman says: "What's this? Some kind of joke?"

~;p
.

You know you've played too much EB when you...

Are a Sab'yn general bodyguard. The Ptolemy catapharct is charging at you.
The ground shakes beneath you. The screeching enemy horses sound like demons from hell. The sand and sweat sticks to your body. But you take no notice to any of that. You are experienced.

You brace for impact...BANG the cataphract slam into you hard.
You smiled, for you had faced cataphract before and know how to brace yourself against them. You were able to easily keep on your feet.

You saw a hole in the hosemen's defences and sharply thrust your sword up at the him. Your sword flys forward quick as lightning.

At that moment, the second rank of those Helenic cataphract rams into your lines. You see the flash of a spearhead shooting forward at you from your forward left. You raise your shield desperately to block the blow.

You felt the pike head slide on your shield. Moments later you feel a blow to your head. The pike had glanced off your shield and bounced upwards. Your helmet has protect you from direct injury, but the force of the pike was too much.

All goes grey...then black. You can feel your legs giving away. You are falling to once side, to your right. You are abandoning your friends. They are going to have to fight on without you. You feel helpless. Soon your arm would hit the sand. You will likely be trampled upon. You will likely not rise again...

THUMP
What? What?
You opened your eyes. You have just fallen off your bed onto the wooden floor. Oh yeah and it would seem you have thrown your sheets off during sleep. I wonder when you did that.

The shortest joke in the world

FYROM

and the notion that it had ANYTHING to do with Megas Alexandros and Makedonia of Hellenistic times

:laugh4:

FYROM? :laugh4:

Q:What's the last thing that crosses a soldier's mind when he is charged by a cataphract?
R:A spear-point

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ibrahim

FYROM? :laugh4:

---

Also known in present times as Makedo-ninja :laugh4:

Uh, so whyyyy did I cross the road? Because it asked for a blessing? XD

Remember Bartix?

You know you've played too much EB when you can say the names of all the exotic units, and you know how to pronounce them.

During the 2nd punic war, there was an officer of the Roman Navy named Captain Cassius Antonius, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seas, his lookout spotted a Carthaginian ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Antonius bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

His servant quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored blouse, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty Carthaginians. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN Carthaginian ships approaching. The crew stared in silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Antonius gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

:2thumbsup:

A Greek sword for sale in the market:
"It's never been swung and it's been dropped only once."


**************************************************


Q: Why do Gauls have moustashes?
A: To remind them of their mothers.


**************************************************


Q: How many Romans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the Romans are at screwing.



**************************************************


Q: What do you call a Lusitani with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.


**************************************************


Q: What's the difference between a Sweboz woman and a werewolf?
A. The Sweboz woman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.



**************************************************



Q: What do Athenian recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.



**************************************************


Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Rome?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.


***************************************************


Q: How do you stop a Pahlavan army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.

LOL the last two are the best :2thumbsup:

Still a noob, then?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showpost.php?p=1266072&postcount=1

great ones, Sarcasm!

Ah man Sarcasm that was great!

.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sarcasm

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Q: How many Romans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the Romans are at screwing.



**************************************************


Q: What do you call a Lusitani with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.


**************************************************


Q: What's the difference between a Sweboz woman and a werewolf?
A. The Sweboz woman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.



**************************************************



Q: What do Athenian recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.



**************************************************


Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Rome?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.


***************************************************


Q: How do you stop a Pahlavan army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.

---

My favs. :2thumbsup:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tellos Athenaios

Still a noob, then?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showpost.php?p=1266072&postcount=1

---

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Mouzafphaerre, you do not have permission to access this page. This could be due to one of several reasons:

1. Your user account may not have sufficient privileges to access this page. Are you trying to edit someone else's post, access administrative features or some other privileged system?
2. If you are trying to post, the administrator may have disabled your account, or it may be awaiting activation.

EBH? :inquisitive:
.

Gah! A link into the holy of holies! Avert thine eyes! :laugh4:

no I won't-show it! show it!:help:
ps: Sarcasm is great:balloon2: :balloon2: :balloon2:

@ Sarcasm. Exactly what we were looking for. f@#$%^g hilarious

Here's the thing Tellos was wanting to show you:
http://www.krusader.be/eb/asterix01.jpg

.
EB Asterix? LOL! :laugh4:
.

It had to come, eventually. XD But I loved the Pahlava carousel one most of all! XD XD

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hax

Why did the Pezhetairos cross the road?

==========

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ele

Ele who?

Elephantes Indikoi!

---

ROFLMAO! The ebst one for me so far!

Why do Thracians wield big swords?

To compensate for their manhood

(That's just mean of me :smash: )

In Dahyus you don't play EB, EB plays YOU.

In Soviet Russia YOU don't make Soviet Russia jokes, Soviet Russia jokes about YOU! :viking:

Roma Circa 100BC

A young Roman boy and his father were walking thru the streets of Roma. When the boy asks "Father, how did the Greek Battle Kings meet their demise upon conquering the Trojans?" The father replies "Bah!!...Greeks!! Their a chatty bunch those fools with their self-aggrandizing stories as oppose to telling the truth of it." The father goes on "boy, I will tell you now how the Mykene, Spartan, and Ithakan Kings truly met their not so glorious demise after the fall of Troy.....

Upon leaving the shores of Troy as conquerors, The Greek Armada was caught in a vicious storm that destroyed all their galleys, Poseidon claiming all Greek souls upon them. Save those of Agamemnon, Menelaus, and Odysseus. The 3 Greek Kings found themselves shipwrecked on a strange island surrounded by an unfamliar ocean, where they were attacked and taken as prisoners by the savage cannibals that inhabited the island. The savages then escorted the 3 Kings to a hilltop overlooking a nearby forrest. Where they were made to stand in front of the Savage King. The Savage King simply says to them " we will now kill you, cook you in our pots and eat you." Agamemnon King is the first to speak " you cannot treat us so, we are Greek Battle Kings!! I am Agamemnon King, King of the warrior Mykene, and conqueror of Troy!! The Savage King replies with a hint of humor to his voice " Battle Kings eh?...well then Battle Kings, I shall grant you a fighting chance.....of sorts." The Savage King goes on " I shall put you Battle Kings to my test, pass it so, I shall have a ship built and allow thee to take leave of my island. Do it not, and it will be the cooking pots and our bellies for you." At that moment 3 savages present themselves in front of the 3 Greek Kings and hand each a basket. The Savage King says "go now, each of you into the the forrest and fill the baskets up with whatever fruits you can find and return here to the hilltop to stand the test and perhaps be rewarded with your lives and freedom. Go now...quickly!!

The 3 Greek Kings scamper off into the forrest and a short time later Agamemnon King is the first to emerge with a basket full of pears. The Savage King says "now for the test...you are to shove all those pears right up your arse...be warned Battle King...one slight grimace or facial expression of any kind and you be will killed immediately and it will be the cooking pot for you." Agamemnon scoops down and grabs a pear and proceeds to shove it up his own arse...when he uncontrollably flinches. He is cut down and killed immediately by the savages and thrown in the cooking pot. Odysseus is next to return. Clever and always deviously cunning Odysseus, suspected some nefarious or perhaps humiliating endeavor to pass for this Savage King's "test". His basket is filled with very small berries. The Savage King tells Odysseus what must be done. Odysseus commences to shove the berries up his own arse and is down to the very last one.....when inexplicably he loses his composure and starts laughing like a madman. He is promptly cut down and killed by the savages and thrown in the cooking pot.

A short while later, Odysseus finds himself in The Elysian Fields and finds Agamemnon walking around.

Agamemnon: Some ending we've met Odysseus, eh? Out of us 3, I was certain you would be the one with your cunning ways to find a way out of that mess.

Odysseus: Bah!!...by the balls of Hades!!..I was about to do just that until your FOOL!!..of a brother came prancing up the hilltop!!

Agamemnon: what did he do?

Odysseus: He was carrying a basket full of pineapples!!

LMAO @ Lysander

That was an old one ... but funny to hear it in the Trojan War era ... lol

Prince

:laugh4:

Brilliant!

Epic! =D

Did you hear the one about the guy who asked the EB forums as to why Lorica Segmentata wasn't in their mod.......

.....Sarcasm asked him for his hand in marriage and Teleklos wondered if he was a long lost love child.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lysander13

Roma Circa 100BC

A young Roman boy and his father were walking thru the streets of Roma. When the boy asks "Father, how did the Greek Battle Kings meet their demise upon conquering the Trojans?" The father replies "Bah!!...Greeks!! Their a chatty bunch those fools with their self-aggrandizing stories as oppose to telling the truth of it." The father goes on "boy, I will tell you now how the Mykene, Spartan, and Ithakan Kings truly met their not so glorious demise after the fall of Troy.....

Upon leaving the shores of Troy as conquerors, The Greek Armada was caught in a vicious storm that destroyed all their galleys, Poseidon claiming all Greek souls upon them. Save those of Agamemnon, Menelaus, and Odysseus. The 3 Greek Kings found themselves shipwrecked on a strange island surrounded by an unfamliar ocean, where they were attacked and taken as prisoners by the savage cannibals that inhabited the island. The savages then escorted the 3 Kings to a hilltop overlooking a nearby forrest. Where they were made to stand in front of the Savage King. The Savage King simply says to them " we will now kill you, cook you in our pots and eat you." Agamemnon King is the first to speak " you cannot treat us so, we are Greek Battle Kings!! I am Agamemnon King, King of the warrior Mykene, and conqueror of Troy!! The Savage King replies with a hint of humor to his voice " Battle Kings eh?...well then Battle Kings, I shall grant you a fighting chance.....of sorts." The Savage King goes on " I shall put you Battle Kings to my test, pass it so, I shall have a ship built and allow thee to take leave of my island. Do it not, and it will be the cooking pots and our bellies for you." At that moment 3 savages present themselves in front of the 3 Greek Kings and hand each a basket. The Savage King says "go now, each of you into the the forrest and fill the baskets up with whatever fruits you can find and return here to the hilltop to stand the test and perhaps be rewarded with your lives and freedom. Go now...quickly!!

The 3 Greek Kings scamper off into the forrest and a short time later Agamemnon King is the first to emerge with a basket full of pears. The Savage King says "now for the test...you are to shove all those pears right up your arse...be warned Battle King...one slight grimace or facial expression of any kind and you be will killed immediately and it will be the cooking pot for you." Agamemnon scoops down and grabs a pear and proceeds to shove it up his own arse...when he uncontrollably flinches. He is cut down and killed immediately by the savages and thrown in the cooking pot. Odysseus is next to return. Clever and always deviously cunning Odysseus, suspected some nefarious or perhaps humiliating endeavor to pass for this Savage King's "test". His basket is filled with very small berries. The Savage King tells Odysseus what must be done. Odysseus commences to shove the berries up his own arse and is down to the very last one.....when inexplicably he loses his composure and starts laughing like a madman. He is promptly cut down and killed by the savages and thrown in the cooking pot.

A short while later, Odysseus finds himself in The Elysian Fields and finds Agamemnon walking around.

Agamemnon: Some ending we've met Odysseus, eh? Out of us 3, I was certain you would be the one with your cunning ways to find a way out of that mess.

Odysseus: Bah!!...by the balls of Hades!!..I was about to do just that until your FOOL!!..of a brother came prancing up the hilltop!!

Agamemnon: what did he do?

Odysseus: He was carrying a basket full of pineapples!!

---

LMFAO:laugh4:

One day a former gaesatae walks into a family tavern. The inn keeper says "If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "Ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and the horse starts laughing and so the inn keeper gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night, the same gaesatae comes back in and the inn keeper says "if you can make that horse over there cry, I will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying and the inn keeper gives him free drinks for that night too. The inn keeper then asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him."

Oh man that gesetae one is hilarious!!

some of that are really hilarous:laugh4:

here's another old variation on the story of lysander13 (adapted to EB):

so there are a Gaesatae, an Hoplite and a Legionary, so they are taken in this isle...
there are some savages who take them as prisoners. The chief of the savages, decide they will be the star of the Great Festival Game of the savages...
this great game consist in running in a circle around the whole isle, enter the cave of King Kong, beat King Kong, after defeated him, ascending on the Holy Muntain and f...ck in the a..s the Sacred Virgin of the Isle.
Who will win the game will be free.
So the first is the Hoplite, he run like a foul around the isle, then he enter the cave of King Kong trying to beat him charging with his spear, and BAM! he got killed by King Kong...
The second one is the Legionary, he run in a circle around the Isle, then he embrace his Scutum and Gladius and enter the cave of King Kong, just few minutes and BAM! Killed by King Kong...
Then is the turn of the Gaesatae:
He turn the Isle in a Circle wawering like a drunkard cause the drugs.... then he enter the Dark Cave of King Kong... and...

Silence...

Silence...

All the Savages get confused? What's Happening there inside? A crowd of Savages wait there outside the Entrance of the Cave, so curious to know what's happening...
After half an hour the gaesatae come out of the cave rubbing his hands allpretty satisfacted... the chief of the village stand there without saying a word, all the crowd is so curious...
and then the Gaesatae: "where's that sacred virgin i had to beat?"

Quintus is hanging out in the forum when he sees a vestal virgin walk by. His jaw drops to the ground as he is astounded by her sensational beauty. Honestly, he is completely dumbstruck, he's immediately aware he's never seen someone so gorgeous, and he stands there in shock for a few moments.

As he's trying to pull himself together, a gent sidles up to him:

"I saw you watching that vestal walk by", he remarks.
Quintus is horror-struck - he doesn't want even to be considered to be ogling a VV (after all, to actually engage in sexual congress with one would be punished by death).
"No I wasn't", he retorts.
The gent replies
"Mate, it's fine, I see her walk past my stall every day, and she is a top-notch, class A stunner: it's ok to watch her a little."
Quintus agrees that she is indeed beautiful.
"What's more,", continues the market-vendor, "I know where she goes to pray - a private sanctuary just off the Capitoline. I bet you'd love the chance to sleep with her and get away with it, wouldn't you?"
Quintus agrees once again.
"Well you're in luck, sonny-jim, as I have a cunning plan".

The market-vendor outlines his plan to Quintus, and tells him his name is Sextus, as after all, a plan to steal a vestal's virginity brings the two Roman youths together in mutual camaraderie.

That same day, Quintus puts Sextus' plan into action: he goes to the private shrine, and espies the vestal virgin in her vestal garb praying quietly to Jupiter Optimus Maximus; he dons a shining white toga, and fake grey beard, and conceals himself behind a statue; when he decides the time is right, he says in his best Jupiter voice (boomingly and gruffly):

"O Vestal, it is I, Jupiter Optimus Maximus - I have come to thank you for your dedicated adoration, and reward you for your piety".
The vestal is stunned, and stammers:
"O mighty Jupiter, your humble servant cowers in your presence".
"Fear not, Vestal,", continues Quintus, gaining in confidence, "as your prize is my love, in physical form".
"But Jupiter," the Vestal retorts, "I've dedicated my virginity to the service of the gods, I can't just give it away, even to you...".
...Quintus is flummoxed....
"...Unless you take me up the a**"

Quintus can't believe his luck. He comes out from behind the pillar and starts going away at the Vestal. As he is revelling in his remarkable success, in a moment of spite, he decides to reveal his trick to her. Whipping off his fake beard he declares mid-thrust:
"A-ha! It's Quintus from the Forum".
The vestal leans round, grins, and says:
"A-HA! It's Sextus!"

......................................................
moral of this roman tale: don't do a vestal.

:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:
the Gaesatae really was stoned...I'm suprised-how could he F*** it up so badly?! that isn't right...

:dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2:
your telling me that Sextus was the vendor, and that he lured him to the area?!

lol


Ok so here are some more:


An Athenian and a Roman want to go to Egypt. In the harbour of Corinth they find a ship to Alexandria so they pay and go on board. The only other passengers on the ship are a schoolclass from Thebes. After 2 days of sailing the are caught by a big, violent storm and the ship starts to sink. The problem is that there is only one lifeboat with room for 2 people available on the ship. The Athenian and the Roman immediately run towards the lifeboat, throw it into the water and are about the jump on it when the Roman looks back and sees all the crying children. He feels guilty and screams at the Athenian: "Oh f*ck, THE KIDS!"

The Athenian looks at him:" Do you think we still have time for that?"



**************


The Averni are fed up with those Romans always telling stories of how great they are and how they could build anything and blablabla...so the Averni Chief walks over to the Roman camp and says to the Centurio:

"You always say you can build anything you want to within one day. So what about building a bridge here on this field just outside your camp? I bet you can't!"

The Centurio accepts the bet and when the Averni chief arrives next day there is a 50 meter long bridge built all across the field outside the Roman camp.

The chief starts to laugh: "Oh you stupid Romans, how easily you are fooled! You spend the whole day building a bridge when there's not even a river there! Now come on, I just wanted to show you how stupid you really are, you can tear that useless bridge down again!"

The Centurio replies:"Oh we would have done so already but we can't. The whole d*mn bridge is crowded with Gauls trying to fish...".


*********

Quote:

---

The Athenian looks at him:" Do you think we still have time for that?"

---

Hahahaha!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ibrahim

:dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2: :dizzy2:
your telling me that Sextus was the vendor, and that he lured him to the area?!

---

nope, i'm telling you that quintus, our hero, ended up doing sextus up the brown as he fell for his trick....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lysander13

Roma Circa 100BC

A young Roman boy and his father were walking thru the streets of Roma. When the boy asks "Father, how did the Greek Battle Kings meet their demise upon conquering the Trojans?" The father replies "Bah!!...Greeks!! Their a chatty bunch those fools with their self-aggrandizing stories as oppose to telling the truth of it." The father goes on "boy, I will tell you now how the Mykene, Spartan, and Ithakan Kings truly met their not so glorious demise after the fall of Troy.....

Upon leaving the shores of Troy as conquerors, The Greek Armada was caught in a vicious storm that destroyed all their galleys, Poseidon claiming all Greek souls upon them. Save those of Agamemnon, Menelaus, and Odysseus. The 3 Greek Kings found themselves shipwrecked on a strange island surrounded by an unfamliar ocean, where they were attacked and taken as prisoners by the savage cannibals that inhabited the island. The savages then escorted the 3 Kings to a hilltop overlooking a nearby forrest. Where they were made to stand in front of the Savage King. The Savage King simply says to them " we will now kill you, cook you in our pots and eat you." Agamemnon King is the first to speak " you cannot treat us so, we are Greek Battle Kings!! I am Agamemnon King, King of the warrior Mykene, and conqueror of Troy!! The Savage King replies with a hint of humor to his voice " Battle Kings eh?...well then Battle Kings, I shall grant you a fighting chance.....of sorts." The Savage King goes on " I shall put you Battle Kings to my test, pass it so, I shall have a ship built and allow thee to take leave of my island. Do it not, and it will be the cooking pots and our bellies for you." At that moment 3 savages present themselves in front of the 3 Greek Kings and hand each a basket. The Savage King says "go now, each of you into the the forrest and fill the baskets up with whatever fruits you can find and return here to the hilltop to stand the test and perhaps be rewarded with your lives and freedom. Go now...quickly!!

The 3 Greek Kings scamper off into the forrest and a short time later Agamemnon King is the first to emerge with a basket full of pears. The Savage King says "now for the test...you are to shove all those pears right up your arse...be warned Battle King...one slight grimace or facial expression of any kind and you be will killed immediately and it will be the cooking pot for you." Agamemnon scoops down and grabs a pear and proceeds to shove it up his own arse...when he uncontrollably flinches. He is cut down and killed immediately by the savages and thrown in the cooking pot. Odysseus is next to return. Clever and always deviously cunning Odysseus, suspected some nefarious or perhaps humiliating endeavor to pass for this Savage King's "test". His basket is filled with very small berries. The Savage King tells Odysseus what must be done. Odysseus commences to shove the berries up his own arse and is down to the very last one.....when inexplicably he loses his composure and starts laughing like a madman. He is promptly cut down and killed by the savages and thrown in the cooking pot.

A short while later, Odysseus finds himself in The Elysian Fields and finds Agamemnon walking around.

Agamemnon: Some ending we've met Odysseus, eh? Out of us 3, I was certain you would be the one with your cunning ways to find a way out of that mess.

Odysseus: Bah!!...by the balls of Hades!!..I was about to do just that until your FOOL!!..of a brother came prancing up the hilltop!!

Agamemnon: what did he do?

Odysseus: He was carrying a basket full of pineapples!!

---

OH MY FUCKING GOD XD

(thanks o they of the really good jokes, you helped)-and no I'm not gay:

a drunk byzantine philosopher in constantinople remembered the glorious days of the republic/empire (EB's timeframe). here's what he said to his lover:


on the present situation, I say this: theodora's a whore, and justinian is without sleep(as a result)-I say stick to boys

on the good days, I say this: "credo alteram" "give me another" (stick); let me be more detailed:

on caesar, I say this: caesar loved the king of bythinia, and took it up the A** for him (it's a pun)

on Cato the Censor: Cato was too straight-he must have had a broom shoved through him (no not litteraly-think lower)

on Hannibal barca: "credo alteram"

on why zoroastrians hate the romans: they can't keep Ahura mazda's flame (actually vestal flame) lit-the virgins claim to be too "busy"

on Cicero: see how he talks in such a cockey matter-I say he was too much cock

on why Athens was too easy to conquer: the Athenaioi, a people brave in words, but in battle braver in surrender.

on why the Makedonians were easy: the romans sent in the wine, call girls and little boys battalions

on why Gaesatae were beaten: they killed their women and tried to bang the roman soldiers (thinking it was the other way)

on Claudius' wife:"credo alteram"

on the "glory of the empire": where's the glory in all that? it's just one person taking it up the A** for one another....and the roman's proved the best at making people people do that

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sarcasm

A Greek sword for sale in the market:
"It's never been swung and it's been dropped only once."


**************************************************


Q: Why do Gauls have moustashes?
A: To remind them of their mothers.


**************************************************


Q: How many Romans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the Romans are at screwing.



**************************************************


Q: What do you call a Lusitani with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.


**************************************************


Q: What's the difference between a Sweboz woman and a werewolf?
A. The Sweboz woman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.



**************************************************



Q: What do Athenian recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.



**************************************************


Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Rome?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.


***************************************************


Q: How do you stop a Pahlavan army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.

---

I made a series of historical lightbulb jokes:

Q: How many Romans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four Roman Legions.

Q: How many Macedonians does it take to change a lightbulb
A: If his name is Alexander, he'll change every damn lightbulb in the world.

Q: How many Greeks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four Roman Legions.

Q: How many Gauls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 300 Druids to turn stonehenge in a counterclockwise direction.

Q: How many Carthaginians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What, the four Roman Legions left any behind?

Not exactly in theme with EB but close enough........

Thor, The Viking God of Thunder is hanging out with his buddy Zeus up in Valhalla. When they strike up a conversation........

Thor: You know Zeus, I'm feeling kind of backed up. It's been several winters since I last had sex.

Zeus: You don't say? Well why don't you go down to Earth and find yourself some mortal lass or even better a prostitute by profession, so you could really have some fun and set your backed up frustrations to right?

Thor: Yea, that sounds like a plan. Think I'll go to Earth now and do just that.

Thor returns the next day.....

Zeus: Well, God of Thunder, how did it go?

Thor: It was great! Let me tell ya, I knocked sparks out of that thing!.......but I fear.......

Zeus: You fear what?

Thor: Well, I fear I may have been a bit rough on the poor lass of a prostitute. It couldn't have been easy for her to take. I mean, with me being a God and all. I'm going to go back down to Earth and apologize to her.

Zeus roars: What??!!....What madness is this you speak??!! Everyone knows it is the right of the Gods to take what they will and do as it pleases them. The Gods screw mortals figuratively and in your case literally all the time. Those fools!!!actually give us leave to do so!! Thru famine, war, disease and any other horror that takes place on that vile rock, what do they say? It is the will of the Gods and their faith endures. Stupid wretched mortals, Hades!! I can barely understand them most of the time when they invoke my name. With their vile and stupid manner of speaking. So my advice to you Hammer Boy is butch up a little bit, tuck in your skirt and enjoy the great gig that we Gods have for Christ Sakes!!

Thor: For who's sake?

Zeus: Bah!!...nevermind...do as you will.

Thor goes back down to Earth and finds the prostitute.....

Thor: Listen, about last night....I'm really sorry. I'm Thor........

Prostitute yells back: Your Thor??!! Your Thor??!! By Zeus's balls I can't even take a pith!!!

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conqured France and addresses the crowd in the Colliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his nonsense, I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Colliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing.........

Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Good one PersianFire :laugh4:

I don't get it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Parallel Pain

I don't get it.

---

"I suppose it depends on if you enjoy the beautiful game of football and know the rules."

PF i had to overheat my poor dull brain to understand that:laugh4:
(im so a poor informed on football, gaul=goal)

anyway here's some one related to the game-play...

how do you call:
- a Casse General leading a charge?
- an incurable optimist...

- A numidian skirmisher walking furtive in the night there around a camp of gaesataes?
- a pusher

- an hippokontistai throwing javelins?
- just freeing himself of a further burden...

- Galatian Kluddolons alligned in the first ranks and looking around with an interrogative glance?
- just trying to guess who will be the first to cross that big red line...

- a routing phalangite pursued by cavalry tanks?
- i dont know, but sure he has to love that sarissa so much,,,

- A peltast gone already out of ammo...
- a waste of moneys

- sotaroas looking so badly to losatae?
- it's all envy...

- a unit of Hastati being recruited?
- rpg

The Tavern keeper makes a bet with all the people in the Tavern. '10000 mnai for the most impressive squeezing of juice! The one who can squeeze the most juice out when everyone thinks you can't, gets the money.'

So everyone starts producing lemons and oranges and olives and squeezing them frantically. Others attempt grabbing the delicate parts of gaesatae to squeeze. Finally one Sweboz herthaganautoz comes up.

'I have here a lemon. I shall squeeze it.'

And with one hand, he squeezes and fills a one-litre beaker with that small lemon. Everyone is awed.

A gaesatae comes up and says, 'that's nothing! watch me!' And he takes the herthaganautoz's exhausted lemon, squeezes it and manages to wring a few more drops from it.

Everyone cheers.

Up comes this wizened Roman, short, skinny and dark, and he regards the gaesatae and herthaganautoz for a while. Then he picks up a rock from the Tavern floor and squeezes. And drops of juice come out of the rock.

The tavern erupts into exclamations of awe, and unanimously everyone agrees that this Roman cannot be outdone. He gets the 10000 mnai.

As everyone is talking about it, the Roman is approached by the Sweboz and the Gaul. 'Hey man, just out of curiousity, what do you do for a living? Evocati, perhaps?'

The Roman smiles, shakes his head and says, 'I'm the tax collector in Judaea.'

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by zooeyglass

nope, i'm telling you that quintus, our hero, ended up doing sextus up the brown as he fell for his trick....

---

that's what I was asking, but thanks anyways

these jokes are classic.:laugh4: :laugh4:

I translated one Spartan joke from my Latin textbook but perhaps I was wrong because I don't find it funny:
One man who can stand on one leg for a long time asks Spartan: "Can you, Spartans, do it too?
And the Spartan replies: "NO, but a goose can." :oops:

Inside a Gallic house:
-Hey, it's my wife!
-No, it's my wife!
-Sorry boys, but I am your uncle.

In Roman tavern:
Two Roman legionaries are eating a fish, when suddenly one of them swallows a bone an starts to choke. The other beats him on his back but it doesn't help. Fortunaly a stranger comes to them, grabs the poor man's balls and pushes violently. The legionary immediately spits out the bone.
-Good man, thank the gods for you. Who are you?
-I'm the tax collector in Judaea.

(sorry for stealing your hero Pez, but you made me remind this joke)

That was fantastic Pezhetairoi!!! :laugh4:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by pezhetairoi

The Tavern keeper makes a bet with all the people in the Tavern. '10000 mnai for the most impressive squeezing of juice! The one who can squeeze the most juice out when everyone thinks you can't, gets the money.'

So everyone starts producing lemons and oranges and olives and squeezing them frantically. Others attempt grabbing the delicate parts of gaesatae to squeeze. Finally one Sweboz herthaganautoz comes up.

'I have here a lemon. I shall squeeze it.'

And with one hand, he squeezes and fills a one-litre beaker with that small lemon. Everyone is awed.

A gaesatae comes up and says, 'that's nothing! watch me!' And he takes the herthaganautoz's exhausted lemon, squeezes it and manages to wring a few more drops from it.

Everyone cheers.

Up comes this wizened Roman, short, skinny and dark, and he regards the gaesatae and herthaganautoz for a while. Then he picks up a rock from the Tavern floor and squeezes. And drops of juice come out of the rock.

The tavern erupts into exclamations of awe, and unanimously everyone agrees that this Roman cannot be outdone. He gets the 10000 mnai.

As everyone is talking about it, the Roman is approached by the Sweboz and the Gaul. 'Hey man, just out of curiousity, what do you do for a living? Evocati, perhaps?'

The Roman smiles, shakes his head and says, 'I'm the tax collector in Judaea.'

---

Big lol here!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ayce

Big lol here!

---

indeed!

An Ethiopian Agema talking to TA about why they got removed in 1.0.



"Hey whats up guys, do we get anything new in EB 1.0?"


"Hey Agema....uh, you kinda got removed?"


"Oh......"


"You aren't mad?"

"Oh, no, not really TA."


"Thats good, I guess. I'm glad you didn't stick that ax in me."


"I'm glad too, though your girlfriend is glad I stick my black *gets shot by the censors*

russia allmighty: HAVE YOU NO SHAME LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:laugh4: :laugh4:
still, that's very shameful behavior:no: :no:

oh. my. god. XD TA better not get to see this. We shall have to silence him now. This calls for General Appo!

/destroys conversation

*Performs mystical ancient, pagan, bloody, vile, horrific, intoxocating, shocking rituals that includes many virgins, several animals of all sorts, about a dozen Punic babies, 14 pregnant Boii women, the genitalia of a elephant and a Samnite capitalist to restore the conversation from the dead to rise from it´s grave neither dead nor alive, but as a zombie-conversation. Then impales the fuc* on a pila and goes for a drink*
EB tavern here I come!

Brains...

*as General Appo leaves, in the distance can be heard*

"secercy is assured"

The EBF Strike Team comes as shadows and leaves as a hazy afterthought.

Resolving to surprise her husband, a sweboz' wife stopped by his hut.
When she opened the door, she found him with his slave sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this hut with just one stool."

:laugh4:

Due to a mixup on election day, three Roman Senators are forced to share a carrage to arrive in time for the ceremony.

While passing through a village on the way to Rome, the first Senator pulls out his treasury contract and says, "I'm going to throw this highly lucrative sum out the door and make a poor peasant very happy."

Not to be outdone, the second senator took out his treasury bill and ripped it in half then threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing the second Senator's stupid move, the third Senator bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 Sestertius' out of the door and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the driver, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, shouts through, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this carriage and make the population of the world very happy."


:skull:

It was a really hot day and this clueless maiden with more money than brains decided she would go buy a treat from the market. She went to the stall and when she handed over her money she was presented with an ice cold cup of juice. And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the dumb maiden said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

:beam:

Cicero and his father were visiting Rome for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two grand doors that opened and closed in unison. Cicero asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen the curia before, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the Cicero and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old criple (a slave) hobbled up to the doors and was allowed entry. The doors closed again and Cicero and his father watched as the doors were reopened and a tall Senator dressed in the traditional toga stepped out and embraced the throng milling by the doors.

The father looked at Cicero anxiously and said, "Son, get yourself inside. You always wanted to be one of them."

:2thumbsup:

Am I missing something here? :inquisitive:

A legionary gets lost while patroling outside the Limes. Suddenly he finds himself surrounded by a Germanic warband, all armed to the teeth and looking terrifying. The legionary abandons all hope of getting out of this mess alive and just shouts: "Shit! I'm fucked!"
One of the Germans says: "No, you're not. See that guy over there with that bronze helmet and that huge spear?! He's our chief. Run to him and grab his spear."
The legionary is a bit confused but does as the German told him. "And now?" asks the legionary.
"Now kill the chief with his own spear" says the German.
The legionary does as the German says.
"And now?"
"NOW you're fucked!"

I think someone's missing the point. XD Brave, please read the title and OP before actually posting and looking silly. This is for EB jokes, not normal jokes. They did not have airplanes, coke machines or elevators in 272BC.

Q: How do you call a 8 feet tall, naked Geseta charging at you with a 5 feet sword ?
A: "Sir"

He changed them, though. Yay for Brave!

Three cheers for Brave's bravery! Hooray for Brave!

@HanBarca

If you be a man, it's hardly the 5-foot sword that's the reason you're showing so much respect, but some other 5-foot-long thing instead. :D

Q:Why don't people activate the script?
R:Because when you are the aspiring leader of a great(or soon to be great) empire you can't be bothered to listen to the little dude that keeps popping up at the corner of your screen and keeps telling you(how dare he?!)to do something...You most certainly know better

/unlurk

A Roman, an Athenian, and a Spartan are shipwrecked and captured by a tribe of savages. The leader of the tribe says to them "we have captured you, and now we are going to kill you, eat you, and use your skins to make canoes. However, our custom dictates that we give you leave to die in the manner that you choose."

First, they ask the Athenian how he would like to die. He replies, "I shall drink hemlock, and thus die like Socrates."
They give him a goblet; he drains it to the last drop and dies, and the savages carry off his body, boil his flesh and use his skin to make a boat.

They then ask the Roman to choose his manner of death. He replies, "I shall fall on my sword, as is the duty of any defeated Roman."
They hand him his sword, which he promptly falls upon and dies. His body is carried off, his flesh smoked, and his skin used to make a boat.

Last of all they ask the Spartan, "Now, Spartan, it is your turn. How will you die?"
He thinks about it for a moment, and says "Give me a fork."

Though they find his request odd, the Spartan is given a fork, and he promptly starts stabbing himself all over: the arms, chest, every patch of skin he can find.

"What are you doing?!" the chief asks, "Why would you choose to die so painfully?"

Showing no hint of his pain, the Spartan replies, "You can kill me, and you can even eat my flesh; there's nothing I can do about that. But just you try to use my skin to make your boats!"

/relurk

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by machinor

A legionary gets lost while patroling outside the Limes. Suddenly he finds himself surrounded by a Germanic warband, all armed to the teeth and looking terrifying. The legionary abandons all hope of getting out of this mess alive and just shouts: "Shit! I'm fucked!"
One of the Germans says: "No, you're not. See that guy over there with that bronze helmet and that huge spear?! He's our chief. Run to him and grab his spear."
The legionary is a bit confused but does as the German told him. "And now?" asks the legionary.
"Now kill the chief with his own spear" says the German.
The legionary does as the German says.
"And now?"
"NOW you're fucked!"

---

:laugh4: :balloon2:

nb I am using D for currency (Denarii)
A man walked into the EB Tavern one day. He walked up to the bartender (Pez?) and said, “Pez, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks”. The bartender said, “No problem sir, but I’ll need to see some D first”. The guy pulls out a huge bag of gold and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?”, asked the bartender. “I’m a professional gambler”, replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?”. “Well, I only bet on sure things” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender. “Well, for example, I’ll bet you 50D that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender thought about it. “OK”. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. “Aw, you screwed me”, said the bartender, and paid the guy his 50D. “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another 50 that I can bite my LEFT eye” said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet”. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again”. “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best wine in leiu of the 100D″, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me 500D!”. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the back room 1000D that I could pee all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!”.

AHAHHAHA I was expecting that tavern joke to come out eventually. XD XD

A bunch of Hetairoi were drinking around in the Tavern, getting drunk as only Makedonians can. And they saw in the corner, by his own lonely self, a Baktrian fellow sipping womanishly from a small kylix instead of quaffing from kraters like true men do, they decided to go tease him. One of them walked over and emptied his krater on the Baktrian's feet.

The Baktrian keeps quiet, and continues drinking.

Another hetairos comes over and emptied his krater on the fellow's head.

The Baktrian keeps quiet, and continues drinking.

The third hetairos comes over, takes the Baktrian's kylix, drinks all the wine in it, and smashes it on the ground.

The Baktrian sits there for awhile, then leaves the tavern quietly.

The hetairoi go back to drinking, guffawing loudly and telling the bartender 'what's the problem with that boy-lover, eh? We did all those humiliating things to him and he didn't even do anything! That guy's a wuss!'

And the bartender said, 'I don't know about that. He just drove his Elephantes Indikos Kataphraktos over your horses outside.'