Sorry to post another ranting thread, which I know some Frontroomers do not like, however this is the only place I can think of where I can keep the RL anonymity and get some perspectives other than my own on my situation.
In a nutshell, I have all many symptoms of what I think is OCD, at least from having a read up on Wikipedia. I've been like this for as long as I can remember, although there were times when it became particularly ridiculous. For example, between the ages of around 11-14 I would take a pen in and out of my inner left blazer pocket every school night four times, then do the same with my money in the inner right pocket, and then reach in and out of both the outside pockets four times to check they were empty. Then I would open/close my window four times to make sure it was shut properly, open/close every drawer four times to check everything was in place, etc.
Now, my 'rituals' are somewhat less absurd, however they are also much more obvious to other people, and they are crippling my everyday life. I can't help obsessively washing my hands, I would estimate I wash them maybe forty times each day. The skin has gotten so broken that I now have to take clean bedsheets most days because there's blood all over the top half. Also, I have to keep an extremely strict daily routine. I get up, have my high-fibre cereal for breakfast, have toast for lunch, have some kind of meat with toast for dinner, then have a piece of fruit, and finally I have another bowl of cereal and fruit for supper. To drink, I have a cup of tea with each of the four meals. Even though I always have the same things, I have to write them all down in a Notepad document immediately or I panic. I don't even feel comfortable buying my stuff at the local supermarket anymore, since I always buy the exact same four things (cereal/loaf/apples/teabiscuits) and I think the checkout staff are starting to look at me funny. I can't eat anything without this food range, and because of it I can't go on holidays, my parents have accepted there's no point asking me anymore. I can't even visit my grandparents, I have to get my parents to make up excuses for me. I felt particularly terrible recently when I didn't visit my Great-Gran, who probably doesn't have long left to be honest. My parents were pretty disgusted, indeed I was pretty disgusted, but at the end of the day I still didn't go.
To make matters worse, I can barely pass myself when dealing with people anymore. I can't get a job, since I would never pass an interview. At first my parents took my PC and everything from me to try to make me go out, but after a few failed interviews they've come to accept that I'm not going to be employed anytime soon, although they still moan about it, I suppose they have a right to. I have to attend my tutorial groups at Uni otherwise I get refused credit for my courses, however I fail every time, in one class I got the lowest mark in the year (apart from those who got 0 who presumably didn't attend). I tend to make up for it in the essays, but it just piles the pressure on when it comes to the exams. I hoped things would get better, but they're not, sometimes I start physically shaking and there's nothing I can do about it, I do this even at home now. The least unexpected noise makes me jump out of my skin, I keep smashing plates and cups and dropping cutlery whenever I emtpy the dishwasher or dry the dishes. I've seem to be having heart palputations more and more often and my chest seems to feel tight a lot, whenever I get back from Uni my whole body feels sore, I think its just because I am so tense.
I know, the simple answer is that I should probably just do something about it, just break the routine and barge through it. But I really don't think that I can, the thought of living without the structure that I do now is terrifying, it just doesn't make sense. I can't even take the slightest variation to my routine, for example when my parents made my go out for dinner on my eighteenth birthday, it just completely threw me, I was just glad to get home and have my supper at the right time and hope I didn't take ill. I know that I should maybe see a doctor or someone about it, but I really don't want to be put on any medication, I've got a thing about it, plus I'd rather not be branded a looney for life, I don't honestly know whether or not I would be obliged to tell future employers of mental health issues, but I wouldn't imagine it would be difficult for them to find out.
The way I'm living now had its purpose when I adopted it a couple of years ago. In hindsight, I think I had some sort of depression back then. I'm worried that if I lose my structure then I'll go back to those days. At the time, I was really feeling bad, and just decided that I was going to life my life by a routine that I wanted, and that if anyone thought it was strange then they would just be completely ignored. And that is what I've done, however I've completely lost contact with almost all my friends, and I mostly ignore my relatives because if I listen to them they are going to drive me back into depression. I don't even like seeing my relatives when they come to my house (still living with my parents), because my Gran thinks that my obsessive hand-washing is an interesting topic of conversation that must be raised with everyone from the local butcher to the cleaner that helps around the house. Plus if I'm making dinner when they're round, they'll call things like "have you cremated your sausages yet haha", because apparently mental problems make a fun family joke; I avoid eating with them whenever possible, just so I can eat in peace.
However, the thing that has terrified me most is having recently discovered that there is a religious form of OCD, called scrupulism, and I'm worried that this could be affecting my relationship with God. In some aspects, I think I am OK, for example I have no trace of the paranoid fear that God will leave me if I reject my routine. However, I do see OCD aspects in my faith, for example I must thoroughly take in every word wheh I read the Bible each night, and I tend to read each verse about three times before moving on, it can take forever just to read one passage. However, my relationship with God is more stable than real scrupulism would suggest should be the case, so I hope that the thing with reading the Bible is merely a result of my standard OCD problems.
Sorry for this rant, I know it makes a change from the usual advice on getting a girlfriend type threads, however that's looking so far away for me that I wish I was in those posters shoes right now. Which is kind of sad/lame for someone who's 19, but it's just the way things are right now. And yeah I know it might be annoying to see another ranting thread. I know I am a middle-class kid living in the developed world, don't think I don't appreciate it. However, I really think I need to sort my life out, and so I would appreciate some advice and maybe a general perspective from my fellow Orgahs.
