Far from the eyes, far from heart

I was going to write a very long post, but I'll keep it short.

While I was studying in Canada, I've dated a girl from there. Unexpectedly, things got a bit serious, we lived together for almost one month, went on a trip for two weeks, etc. I had a really good time with her, and was trully sad to leave her at the airport.

Thing is, since I'm back in France, I'm not really bothering anymore, while she's more in the 'totally in love' spirit. She gets mad if we don't chat daily, if I don't write to her weekly. She keeps praising me and telling me how awesome I am (which I find deeply annoying).
She's also arguably not as well-educated as the people I hang out with most of the time, and coming back to France, I realized just how much I've been missing arguing and getting mad about politics and stuff. Honestly, there's no way I could argue and discuss these things with her, because she barely knows anything outside of Canada (though I blame Canada's terribad education system rather than herself for this). Furthermore, she's seeing all her friends getting married, and wants me to move to the UK with her. There's now way 1 - I'm going to live in the UK 2 - I'm going to live with some girl and get into something serious while I'm only 23.

So, while I receive letters in which she tells me that she keeps thinking about me, I feel like lying everytime I write 'I miss you'.
Now, she's coming to visit me in two weeks. In any case, my plan is to break up at some point. Thing is, I cannot break up before she visits (she already booked the tickets), or while she's visiting ('Hey, I'm glad you finally paid 1200$CAN on this tickets to visit me. Oh, we should break up btw').
I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy seeing her, and spend some good time, but this long distance relationship will start to bother me again as soon as she will have left.

My (girl)friends advised me to break up as soon as possible, as the longer I'll wait, the more sad she'll be when I'll tell her to find someone else. But I know she's going through a difficult period, and I think that breaking up would only make it harder for her. So my plan is to slowly get her to realize that our relationship can't work, that I don't want to get into something serious at the moment, that I'm actually an ass, etc. etc.

Any advice?

Being an adult and acting in a responsible way is slowly starting to piss me off :thumbsdown:

Edit: Damn, and here I was trying to write a short post.

Well, on one hand you do yound like an ass but on the other hand you seem to care about her feelings, why didn't you quit before she bought the tickets? Now that you are that far, I'd say go ahead, let her visit, think about it again afterwards and maybe she's willing to move to France instead of the UK. ~;)

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

Delay is not your friend. White lies are not your friend. Man up and do what needs doing.

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Originally Posted by Lemur

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

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Didn't consider that but yeah, especially if she can get some money back, don't even let her come, like I said, should have quit before she even bough the tickets.

im with lemur on this one.
the more you wait the more she will think you are waiting for her.

Man up and let her know how you feel. Her ego/heart will surely get bruised, for awhile, but in the long term you're doing both her and you a favor. You don't have to give her the specific reasons why, like her education (or lack thereof) just that you don't feel like it's a match and its better to part ways while things aren't too intense.

Lies are bad, even when they are for the best.

Or you could just be Chaotic Evil. Ruin her life etc. I don't reccomend it though.

You should tell her, no sense in her wasting time on a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere. Though I'd suggest that when you break up with her you emphasize the long distance thing and avoid insulting her intelligence.

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Originally Posted by Meneldil

So, while I receive letters in which she tells me that she keeps thinking about me, I feel like lying everytime I write 'I miss you'.
Now, she's coming to visit me in two weeks. In any case, my plan is to break up at some point. Thing is, I cannot break up before she visits (she already booked the tickets), or while she's visiting ('Hey, I'm glad you finally paid 1200$CAN on this tickets to visit me. Oh, we should break up btw').
I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy seeing her, and spend some good time, but this long distance relationship will start to bother me again as soon as she will have left.

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This is, frankly, the worst kind of womanish thinking, I wouldn't want it done to me, nor I suspect would you. So...

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Originally Posted by Lemur

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

Delay is not your friend. White lies are not your friend. Man up and do what needs doing.

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Do this.

A girl madly in love with you, some people just have the worst problems, don't they? ~;)

As mentioned previously better sooner than later if your going to finish things. Also seeming your on different continents you will also get to avoid to problems most people have to deal with when breaking up with people, such as running into them at the grocery store or receiving phone calls at 2 am telling you how much of a :daisy: you really are.

Well the responses have been pretty unanimous... don't drag things out, and if it's at all possible don't let her set foot on that plane!

I was once dumped by my girlfriend who lived in London. By text message. 'Sorry, long distance relationship. Not working out, eh? Good luck and take care.'
I hate that. It broke my heart. I resented the dumping not so much as the utter lack of closure ritual or passionate ending. With backward power, it undermined all the passion we shared. :cry:


I see two options:


1 - Have her come over. Borrow a car and give this girl a great time. She's from freezing northern Ontario! Drive her down to Barca from Montpellier or some such fun stuff.
You still like this girl. So unless you have to fake all romantic feeling, have her come over and the lingering romance will flare up. You'll both have a good time. Then at some point bring up our considerations.

Brutal honesty is important. A gentle end to a relationship is important too. One could argue that:
Perhaps she will feel better about talking to you face to face.
Perhaps you do too.
You can steer the dumping from 'you are not intellectually stimulating enough', to 'long distance relationships don't work out, do they? At this point in my life, I do not want to emigrate, and I think neither should you'.
It is a better story for her to tell to her friends, and, more importantly, herself, than 'I got dumped a few days before I was due to fly to Europe!'

Maybe the two of you can give a romantic ending to the relationship. I have a masochostic liking for passionate endings. Give her one last kiss on top of the Montjuic, tears flowing down both your cheeks! Pull yourself away from her, wipe the tears from her face with your shirt, and tell her that she looks more beautiful than ever. Cry some more. Then fade off into the Mediterranean sunset.



2 - Do not let her get on that plane!
Instead, be a man, a French lover with a reputation at stake at that. Call her NOW and tell her to hand the tickets to that hot friend of hers you'd been eyeing while you were there.

:wall:

Now I remember: 'out of sight, out of mind'. :idea2:


Which leads me to the observation, that in English you have your loved ones in mind, in French in your heart. Semantics is important. A language is a universe, a philosophy.

Honesty is important, "brutality" certainly isn't. Timing is key.

The "right" solution for you depends on what kind of a man you are. That's not something I nor anyone else here can decide. I've found that what goes around does tend to come around; as time passes, people will get a read on you based on situations like this and how you handle them, and handle you accordingly.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat

Have her come over. Borrow a car and give this girl a great time. She's from freezing northern Ontario! Drive her down to Barca from Montpellier or some such fun stuff.
You still like this girl. So unless you have to fake all romantic feeling, have her come over and the lingering romance will flare up. You'll both have a good time. Then at some point bring up our considerations.

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That's what you should do if she cannot get a refund for the tickets, otherwise she will not only have a broken heart but also have wasted a helluvalot of money, that's double bad. If she can give them back though, I'd go for the stop right there option.

That's just based on how I'd feel if I didn't get the person I loved AND sat on some really expensive but useless tickets.

Direct her to your forum post. It tells your true feelings and that you don't want to intentionally hurt her.

Or, direct her to one of your mates who lives in the UK :grin:

From what was written in the OP, the woman has been in charge of the relationship so far, and our brother Meneldil has merely politely gone along for the ride.

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Unexpectedly, things got a bit serious, we lived together for almost one month, went on a trip for two weeks, etc. I had a really good time with her...

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Remember this bit; it's part of your manly education, along with discovering your politics and finding your drinking capacity. Polite consent is often a good thing, but in man-woman relationships, the woman will misunderstand your level of commitment if you just blithely go along with her.

So, in future, avoid that " Unexpectedly, things got a bit serious, we lived together..." part. It puts ideas of permanence in a woman's head & heart - and correcting that idea later will hurt her, needlessly.

So, now you must decide to

1) correct her idea, or
2) continue to play along

From your OP, it is clear that you already know what must be done. And your friends here agree with you: you must correct, and soon.

I would correct her, by an honest letter, tomorrow, and turn off your cell-phone for a week - to let it sink in. She will think poorly of you, rage at you, and probably call you names. But you have to take it, as the price of having accidentally misled her. It's what a man does when he has caused offense, however good his intentions were to start.

Good luck.

p.s. I whisper: you'll feel better in 1 month, after you don't have this weight on your head/heart anymore.

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Originally Posted by Lemur

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

Delay is not your friend. White lies are not your friend. Man up and do what needs doing.

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I have to agree with my esteemed colleague - in that you need to be blunt and stop this before it gets any further. Long distance relationships can work and if you feel strongly enough about anyone you'll go with them to any place or country. This is clearly not the case for you, in that you are not ready and do not feel strongly enough, so in view of this you should do the right thing and the decent thing and inform the young lady forthwith.

Um, I probably shouldn't have used the word "brutal" in my original post, but it certainly feels brutal when you're telling someone you don't have feelings, or sufficient feelings for them. It never feels gentle, that's for sure.

This is really a classic do-unto-others situation. If you were fixing to run off to another country to see the woman you really, truly believed was your soul mate, and if she were thinking "Ehhhhh," wouldn't you want to know as soon as possible?

Personal example: I was going to break up with a girl. I felt that such things should be done face-to-face, not over the phone, especially since we lived in the same city. (If it were a LD relationship I would have approached it differently.) So I invited her to dinner.

Rather than ruin the meal, I waited until we were both done to drop the bomb. She was furious. "Why didn't you tell me before we ate?" she yelled.

"I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good dinner," I responded. She wasn't buying it, and felt that I had been cruel and vicious by waiting a half-hour to tell her.

So imagine how a girl will feel if you delay weeks to let her know that the relationship has become a one-way street. Not good.

There's no good way to break someone's heart. One might argue that you should be as cruel and brutal as possible, make here really hate you so that she never wants to think about you again. A "gentle" end might encourage her to hope things may change in the future.

First of all, I'm not insulting her intelligence or anything. She would kick my ass at anything science-related. Just that she's kind of unaware of the outter world and politics, and there's nothing I enjoy much than spending hours arguing about that with a few bottles of wine.
I'd argue about science if I could :clown:

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Originally Posted by Louis VI, who shall forever be known as Loulou

1 - Have her come over. Borrow a car and give this girl a great time. She's from freezing northern Ontario! Drive her down to Barca from Montpellier or some such fun stuff.
You still like this girl. So unless you have to fake all romantic feeling, have her come over and the lingering romance will flare up. You'll both have a good time. Then at some point bring up our considerations.

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That's precisely what I was thinking. Visit some cool places with her (Provence, Bretagne, Paris), give her a great time, and then, tell her frankly what I think.
Honestly, she won't pay much other than the plane tickets. I more or less planned everything, we'll be housed at friends' places/hotels. I booked train tickets to move around (so yeah, cancelling the whole thing is not really an option). And leaving Canada for a while will be a great way for her to discover another way of life.

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Originally Posted by KukriKhan

Remember this bit; it's part of your manly education, along with discovering your politics and finding your drinking capacity. Polite consent is often a good thing, but in man-woman relationships, the woman will misunderstand your level of commitment if you just blithely go along with her.

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Honestly, I just behaved like I behave with any other girlfriend. Things got more serious IMO only because she's older/more mature than other girls I've dated and/or had higher expectations that I don't share (ie. finding someone to live with). I wasn't just agreeing with her. I largely planned the trip we made, I've been deciding for her all along. Actually, that's one the things that bother me, she hardly takes any responsability when I'm around. And while I told her that I really enjoyed being with her (which was true), I never let her think I would be going any further than the bf/gf thingy. I told her I didn't want to move with her, I told her our relationship would certainly fail after my return to France, I told her I didn't want to live with someone before I find a decent job, etc etc.

Bleh. I think I have to agree with my crazy countrymate here. There's no way I simply tell her to go to hell.

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Originally Posted by Lemur

Rather than ruin the meal, I waited until we were both done to drop the bomb. She was furious. "Why didn't you tell me before we ate?" she yelled.

"I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good dinner," I responded. She wasn't buying it, and felt that I had been cruel and vicious by waiting a half-hour to tell her.

So imagine how a girl will feel if you delay weeks to let her know that the relationship has become a one-way street. Not good.

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I can vouch for this bit of advice as well. :laugh4:

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Originally Posted by Lemur

Rather than ruin the meal, I waited until we were both done to drop the bomb. She was furious. "Why didn't you tell me before we ate?" she yelled.

"I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good dinner," I responded. She wasn't buying it, and felt that I had been cruel and vicious by waiting a half-hour to tell her.

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Lol, niiice response! :laugh4::laugh4:

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Originally Posted by Lemur

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

Delay is not your friend. White lies are not your friend. Man up and do what needs doing.

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:yes:

:egypt:

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Originally Posted by Megas Methuselah

Lol, niiice response! :laugh4::laugh4:

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There's more to that story. She was really, really angry, and I was just kind of amused, so I told her that if it would make her feel better she could throw her drink in my face and storm out of the restaurant. For some reason she declined ...

.
Nothing -eventually- hurts more than concealing the truth or just giving hints trying not to hurt. Be clear and be quick.
.

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Originally Posted by Lemur

There's more to that story. She was really, really angry, and I was just kind of amused, so I told her that if it would make her feel better she could throw her drink in my face and storm out of the restaurant. For some reason she declined ...

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:laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4:

NICE!! It's one of those times when the girl realizes the playah doesn't feel for her.

Never going to work. Enjoy your two weeks, good luck with this, you may have to put the hurt on it, sucks. Hurting people is terrible but sometimes you have to, this sounds way too close for comfort..

I never seen a successful long distant relationship.

Tell her honestly about how you feel. What ever you do, don't let her go without completing one of those serious conversation. I guess you don't hate her, so take her around the place as a friend instead of partner. Maybe, you'll start to like her being around and get back together by the time she gets back on the plane home. If not, hopefully both of you are mature enough to get over it.

Good luck

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Originally Posted by Beefy187

I never seen a successful long distant relationship.

Tell her honestly about how you feel. What ever you do, don't let her go without completing one of those serious conversation. I guess you don't hate her, so take her around the place as a friend instead of partner. Maybe, you'll start to like her being around and get back together by the time she gets back on the plane home. If not, hopefully both of you are mature enough to get over it.

Good luck

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Incorrect, you've seen one.

The scottish guy and the drama girl. (No real names allowed, but that should clue you in.)

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Originally Posted by pevergreen

Incorrect, you've seen one.

The scottish guy and the drama girl. (No real names allowed, but that should clue you in.)

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Bah, they live in the same country.

Okay... Theres a couple successful long distant relationships.. Let me rephrase that.. Long distant relationship is less likely to be successful.

Especially for the first few years. If you are with the same fellow for 5 years or so, your pretty much set for life.

Thats what I gathered from watching TV and watching friends developing their relationship and self teaching a bit of psychology

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Originally Posted by Meneldil

Honestly, I just behaved like I behave with any other girlfriend. Things got more serious IMO only because she's older/more mature than other girls I've dated and/or had higher expectations that I don't share (ie. finding someone to live with). I wasn't just agreeing with her. I largely planned the trip we made, I've been deciding for her all along. Actually, that's one the things that bother me, she hardly takes any responsability when I'm around. And while I told her that I really enjoyed being with her (which was true), I never let her think I would be going any further than the bf/gf thingy. I told her I didn't want to move with her, I told her our relationship would certainly fail after my return to France, I told her I didn't want to live with someone before I find a decent job, etc etc.

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Well then, you HAVE been truthful and honest with her - and she has merely misread your intentions. At this point, since you have both committed to this travel trip vacation together, by all means enjoy the time. If she brings up talk about "tomorrows together", or children, et cetera, remind her gently "But dear, we are fast friends, travel companions. Nothing less... but nothing more either. We both like it that way, yes?", just to confirm your intentions for the future.

I once discouraged a budding romance by idly mentioning that I would joyously dance at her wedding. Six weeks later she was married, to another guy.

Quick update

She arrived as expected the 3rd of august. We visited southern France a bit (mostly the coast) and moved to Paris last week. I'm fairly confident she enjoyed visiting France much, despite some complains here and there.

She annoyed me at times, but heh, I'm not sure it's possible to have a long-term relationship without this. Furthermore, I blame this on the culture shock (not being used to all the french false-politeness and snobiness).

As expected too, I was to wimpy to speak about this. Despite a few events that got me to get mad at her, I spent a great time, and I wasn't quite sure I really wanted to break up. She was the one to bring the topic, as she found out I had changed since last time we met. Apparently, I've been somewhat less romantical, annoyed more often and what not.
I think it mostly was because I still planned to break up somehow during the trip. I purposedly avoided saying anything such as 'I love you' or 'I missed you so much'.

In any case, we had a long and dramatical arguing, during which I explained her why I wanted to break up (not missing her much while she was away). She bitched about the fact I tried to hide it from her, and said I should have admitted it right away, so we could have had a discussion about it.

Long story, short story, after much drama, we decided not to break up and give it another try, since we mostly spent great time together. I also promised to be honest when it comes to my feelings.

I don't know if it's a bad thing or not, but meh.

I think your girlfriend is right. Don't be such a coward.

Either way...wait what?

:inquisitive:

Ok...

Lol, you've just been pwned.

Got to admit though, she's good. Not only did she bring you round to her way of thinking but she's even made you think you had something to do with the decision, sheer class.

My advice, get out now before she starts picking the curtains and you think you won because you got blue instead of red all the while not noticing that you've just agreed to buy a house in the UK together.

Snobiness!? Arrogance!? What!!?? :no:

Look, we are not snobby about you bringing over a native from some wilderness, okay? We prod and poke her, fair enough, but that's not arrogance, that is simply to find out whether she is familiar with electricity and eating with a knife and fork and such.



Anyway, see! I told you so! Just have this girl come over and give her a good time. Even if she showed she's the one wearing the pants, at least the two of you had fun.
You need to talk her into your bed. From there on, the woman will take over the relationship, whether you want to or not. You'll either be too stupid or too slow or too weak. The girl always wins. Nothing you can do about it so you might as well sit back and relax about it.

As with all matters relating to love and romance, Louis is right. Even when he's contradicting himself. :clown: