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"And, at the last-GOD'S NIPPLES! Who drank the rest of my ale?"
I got something like that from, I believe, dear Prince Henry in my HRE campaign (he has Social Drinker or something). I don't think I've ever laughed so hard...
Anyone else get some funny stuff from their general's speeches?
I got one who said something to the effect of "You wanna fight, eh? You and what army?"
Playing as Venice, I got a bishop named Leonardo di Caprio. :wall:
Well, I had a female Pope...
https://i121.photobucket.com/albums/...emale_pope.jpg
HAHA! This thread is great!
lol Andrewt, it is things like that that make you laugh, but kill the mood...
Lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter3009
One of my Venetian ones said something alone the lines of "Men, let's get this done quickly, I don't want to be at this all day. I have other things in mind for my evening : a bottle of wine and a wench, f'r'instance !"
an HRE one went all zealot/preacher on me : "I thought I had died, and went to hell for my sins, as I see nothing but the hideous grins of demons everywhere. Gott sei dank ! It's only the enemy !"
(sorry, playing the French version, so can't tell you what the exact words are)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter3009
Yep, my current pope is female, too. When he (er... she!) got the trait (he/she was my cardinal) I just couldn't stop laughing, it was so hilarious.
In RTW, there were many references to Monty Python's Life of Brian, such as in the Sewers description. Has anyone found any references to M.P. and the Holy Grail yet? :laugh4:
Click on a Sicilian army when your playing another faction , and sometimes they"ll say "You talking to me ?!" ala Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver .
I had a merchant named El-Cid
https://img206.imageshack.us/img206/...1084110ki9.jpg
My faction Heir was classed as "completely insane" or somesuch... in the pre-battle speech he announced ;
"and as to my recent madness, I can assure you it was only a passing whim, ~I have talked it over with my horse, and he is of the opinion I have not been getting enough rest, after the battle I think I shall follow his advice..."
One of the Scottish armies responded like this when I clicked on them:
"I'm gonna rip off your head and spit down your neck."
A diplomat once responded like this:
"Doooooo youuuuuuu want to negooooooootiaaaate?"
In both instances, they died a horrible death by my hands. :grin:
Check out this post:
https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showp...6&postcount=20
The "little trinket" is hilarious, the funniest special item in the game, the most absurd holy relic ever conceived!:laugh4:
Thank you, Stolpmeister!
To quote William the Conqueror - "And remember men, a book can be good the day before battle, exspecially if your bowels are loosened. I would not recomend (forgot the name, but it started with a t) for his books are not soft on the nether regions."
At least, thats what he told me when massacaring irish rebels in Dublin :sweatdrop:
One of my Spanish generals finished up his speech a couple of times with "and after the battle, if you find a nubile young wench who strikes your fancy, HANDS OFF! Rank has its privileges! I get first dibs!"
When I fight against Milanese, my generals often say something like: "They say those Milanese are good accountants. This will help them, when they count their dead."
At another fight against Milanese troops my general yelled: "I want them dead, DEAD, DEEEEAAAAAAAAD, DEAD like a scot's soul". I'm playing the English as you might have guessed ;-).
My General Anthony the Mad (who unfortunately is my faction heir right now) said something similar to this: "If anyone of you has a black cat at hand, then slay it, so that it's bad luck cannot harm us."
There's a Scotts general that keeps calling me "Jimmy". "Whatcha want now, Jimmy?" "Yer lookin at the wrong army again, Jimmy!" and such-like.
You know I was sorta skipping them because when I started the game they just seemed like RTW and gave a brief rundown of troops.
After seeing this I started listening to my older general whop have a ton of traits.
Some really hilarious stuff, I cant even remember half of it.
Love the mean wife one, and how the french are lovers just ask any sheep, the drunk ones are good too. When you realize all the nations have their own accents and witty sayings it makes you realize that they poured alot into this..:)
My Byzantian heir vs a Venecian army:
"...our dead enemies will be worth looting. Their pockets are always full of money. I don´t belive they´ll leave it at home with their wives"
I guess men having problems with wives spending their earnings are a timeless issue, he he!
I find it disturbing how often battle gives my English generals "the horn"...
So far my favorite one is my Byzantine general referring to the Milanese as "...goat fondling arse monkies".
An English general about Welsh rebels : "Well, these lads are either sheep, or Frenchmen !"
A Polish one : "You know, it will be an act of christian virtue to rid this village of so many of its idiots !"
English general speaking of the French:
"Satan must be missing some pimples on his a$$."
Barkhorn.
I gotten this one before, i dont rember word for word b ut as the english against the french they say "they say these french men are better lovers then fighters. i ndeed this is true, ask any farm animal" lol
I have no idea what trait brought this on, but recently one of my English generals gave his usual spiel and then topped it off with something along the lines of "The enemy would only stand a chance if my mother-in-law was with them... what if she is?!? If she is, we're all doomed!!!
This from a 7 star general with nearly max dread... :inquisitive:
Ohh yes.... That one I'm still laughing at.Quote:
Originally Posted by Comrade Alexeo
It just sounds so great with that German accent (though it is obviously not made by a German).
But it is really "And at the last I say to the enemy gen- GOD'S NIPPLES!!! Where is the ale? Is it all gone?"
The first time I got it I was caught between tearing my head off from laughter and trying to understand what was going on.
Another great one comes from the Trait "Bad Speaker". It doesn't do anything really, aside from producing a hilarious speech of the general trying to remember to say something really good but never managing anything to that sort.
My last great one I got from a general I thought was a really brave man. Apparently when he got the negative Trait about Venetians (they were camped far up a mountain with plenty pavise crossbows, impossible to beat, so I withdrew) he also produced a hilarious speech next time he met them.
Something like: "And since I have earned so much respect and honour I think it would be unfair for me to take it from you my brave men. Instead I take the inglorious task of protecting our supplytrain far from the battle. Rest assured that your rear will always be protected."
The greatness come from how valiantly he sacrifices his own chances of glory... and how "he bravely ran away" to quote a certain Monty Python movie.
Glad your enjoying the speeches. I think I probably used up a year-and-a-half's worth of insults to co-workers writing some of them.
The quality of the voice acting this time around helped an enormous amount, I think, and I was quite impressed that they managed not to giggle. :laugh4:
Captain Fishpants, Sir, thank you so much for the speeches, they've become one of the main reasons I enjoy this game and the TW series!
To add my contribution to the list of great MTW2 quotes... "I've seen bowel movements with more skill in battle than these guys!" :laugh4: :laugh4: :2thumbsup:
I could swear I've heard on of my Generals conculding his speech with "Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!". :laugh4:
Can anyone confirm that?
R'as
Have CA contracted Vanya for the voiceacting? :laugh4:Quote:
Originally Posted by R'as al Ghul
The oneliners when the general can't be bothered with a real speech is almost always great. Superb insults most of the time.
I do however detect a little bit of a supressed giggle in the GOD'S NIPPLES speech. After he has said that his voice changes a bit for the next line before returning to normal in the last bit.
My diplomat met a Portuguese princess in my game as the Danes. She exclaimed when I finished negotiations that she is 'sometimes called the jewel of the mediterranian'. Which is odd, since 1st: Portugal doesn't have access to that sea (must be the generic accent thing), and 2nd: she had no hearts/charm at all! Which meant that (i dont recall exactly) it is hard to tell her apart from an ugly wrinkled wrench..
"The enemy...bah! The enemy... I´ve had olives with better bite to´em!"
Wow, a CA guy? Here? In my thread? God's areola, what a momentous occasion! :laugh4:
Captain Fishpants, how did you find people who did not giggle? Did you, perhaps, slip a little something into their water...? :2thumbsup:
Hmm; I doubt it. If anything, that probably would've made the actors *more* likely to giggle while saying their lines--unless he was slipping them Valium, in which case they wouldn't be able to say their lines very well at all. ~;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Comrade Alexeo
Quote:
Originally Posted by Captain Fishpants
You sir, are my hero!
Hehe gotta wonder whose wife ya thought about tho on some of the speeches about them and in laws..:)
When playing as the Milanese I kept getting one about the Portugese.
"they smell like fish and will acknowledge our domination. Why? Because they are all fisherman!"
ohhh god:sweatdrop:
It would be great.
Gaaahhhhh....Gaaaaahhh Gaaaahhh.
i had Moses spreading heresy in my turkish campaign
https://img327.imageshack.us/img327/7863/1ey9.jpg
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saphery12
This reminds me of a classic movie quote: "I coulda been a fisherman. Fishermen, they get up, they fish, they sell fish, they smelt fish. Reminds me of this girl I used to go with, Yvonne, she smelled like fish." Anyone knows who said this? :beam:
"Those Milanese can count money faster than a Hamburg fishwife."
With HRE I've heard that "nipples one" too, hah hah.
"After a battle, I get some thing: a powerful thirst...... and a thrusting appetite!" That one is baaaad.
These are funnier than the Warcraft III speeches :D:laugh4::clown:
I didn't hear any hilarious stuff from my Turkish generals or sultans...
I heard a great one today from my English king - quoting it in full without editing would get me banned!
After referring to the enemy as a collection of 'ar5e-weasels' and 'p1ss-a-beds', he then went on to explain how he'd 'seen more guts in a donkey's ar5e!'
Absolutely hilarious - I reloaded the battle just to hear him say it again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Realturka
My Egyptian Generals are not so funny..but the troops are always taunting..."sons of a motherless goat"!!!
I had a Spanish General of mine talk about the French as a bunch of a$$whistles and went on to a few times with that phrase.
I cant remember it exactly but one of my english generals said something along the lines: "Man my wife is so ugly, I hope she isnt among the enemies, now that would be a bad thing"
Secrety Female or just full out female? Because the Archbishop of Jerusalem in my campaign was also a female.Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter3009
lol :D Why can't I hear (or see) anything funny? I'm gonna play the english campaign from now on... Looks like they have the dirtiest speeches...
Yeah I tried HRE and England and they have great speeches !
LOL
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheFluff
Agh...you beat me to it!!! :gah2: In my case though it was HRE Vs. French! :dizzy2:
I want this thread stickied!
My favourite wasn't from a general, but from one of the grunts defending behind the walls in a siege.
Scanning over them, he said "You smell like beer" or something.
Apropos of nothing (and not wanting to give any offence to anyone's faith)Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter3009
There are numerous tales told about a female pope (a male impersonator), pope Joan is the most popular I believe. She gave birth to a son during her term in office and was tied to the tail of a horse and dragged around the papal city until she died as punishment for her heresy. There are numerous other tales told of female popes. You take your pick whether these are myths, half-truths or facts.
Interestingly part of the papal coronation until very recently involved the pope being seated in his papal chair (the throne with holes) and passed over the heads of the electoral cardinals. Some people say that this is so that they could attest that he was a man. Others that the papal seat was originally a Roman bidet (hence the holes).
Either way I think it's rather cool that we can have a secret female pope. Shame that these secrets / vices can't be used to bribe and co-erce the AI into acting in our favour.
That would be rather fun. Medieval Total Blackmail, here we come!
something like this: "There are two kinds of people; Spaniards! And those who kill Spaniards!"
The good Captain rightly is one of the pearls in the CA crown.Quote:
Originally Posted by Vlad Tzepes
little easter egg in MTW2 is El Cid. He is rebel in Valencia.
This stuff is so much fun! If cool speeches are among the things that caused a few bugs to slip through into the game release, then God bless CA for prioritizing fun and hilarity into the game, because it's SO worth it! :2thumbsup:
Bloody french :)
https://img218.imageshack.us/img218/...hmencn2.th.jpg
Rilder: That screen shot alone is enough to convince me I need to turn on the text in my game.
I've enoyed the speeches so far too.
I played through a Spanish campaign and never had a general with 'poor speaker' so, mostly heard good stirring speeches. A lot of repetition but, good stuff anyway.
After winning that campaign to unlock the other factions, I started playing as the Scots and, I'm experiencing a bit of culture shock though. Most of the Spanish speechs had a bit of preamble, a midpoint and final statement.
So far every Scots speech has pretty much been: 'Alright lads, lets KILL EM ALL!!!!' >cheer<
Done.
I reckon they're men of few words, those Scots.
The Russians and Poles were also ignored for cool speaches and I'm willing to bet there's others.
A shame really.
Peace, One Love,
Snite
In my campaign my scots general said:Quote:
So far every Scots speech has pretty much been: 'Alright lads, lets KILL EM ALL!!!!' >cheer<
Done.
I reckon they're men of few words, those Scots.
"Our foes? OUR FOES?!?! I've had oatcakes tougher than them!"
Quite amusing.
German generals are the funniest to click on.
"Zat won't hurt me, dumkoff!"
'You are not a warrior, you are only a schwine-farmer!"
Playing as the English, several times when launching an attack against castles/fortresses with archers in the enemy stack I've gotten:
"I see they refuse to fight us like men, but must resort to a women's strategem of throwing things at us!".
:laugh4:
The French have one that shows up when you use a no command stars generals about them going on about how wonderfully cultured they are. Bragging about how well they can dance and play the lute and other such war like things.
Now playing as Egypt, and they are also lacking in the speech category.Quote:
Originally Posted by Snite
I am now of the opinion that only the factions that start off unlocked have the really fun/interesting speeches.
ah well.
Probably true, but I did laugh my ass off when I heard an Egyptian general cry out about the "Ummah!" in the end. Just the way he says it is enough to make me laugh.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kraggenmor
its such a shame i didn't find this out earlier, as i only came across it by accident, the manual really needs to mention it because to many people would rush to get in to the battle.
I guess i need to play as the french or english cause the HRE (so far) only give morale boosting speeches about glory for the empire and that kind of stuff.
But im wondering if anyone has seen different kind of speeches from kings and that kind of stuff?
these are really good but how come i dont get these pre battle speeches. the only one i get is when i fought the aztecs for the first time
I heard that tooQuote:
Originally Posted by SGT_Ben
that was so funny, and especially with that latin accent
:laugh4:
I dont understand why turks use arabic words and scentences some times
may be im wrong but i hear turks some times saying sibni la wahdi, that is arabic for leave me alone
So THATS what that is. Thank you!Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul_of_Byzantine
I couldn't make out what was being said at all. I had settled on 'simply not wanted'. Which I figured was wrong but it's all I could come up with.
I think CA has to do some more research on turkish language!Quote:
Originally Posted by Kraggenmor
I've had a very funny one
"Oh bugger it all! Pray to god and let us win!
i had one while defending against the mongols as venice
"even the lowliest peasents in our army must feel pity for these wretches, and pity for their horses who must carry such boney arses"
that cracked me up:laugh4:
I liked this one in the category 'Just another bar brawl': "And to the enemy general I say this : ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY BIRD? ARE YOU, EH? COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT, YOU NANCY! AAARGHH!"
Or this one, don't know if it is a normal English expression: "Well slap my thighs and call me for dinner! I see a foe worth killing! I also feel an inspirational speech coming on, so listen to me: (blah blah).."
BTW: hello all :2thumbsup: !
I just found this one it came from one of my generals that just lost some crazy trait or something along those lines but he ends up saying something like "And I now see the remarks I made in the past about all of us being moved around like chess characters to battle for the amusement of children are past me now" or something along those lines.
This came form one of my HRE generals, not sure if anyone else has heard it or i myslef just picked up one of those crazy traits :dizzy2: :wall:
Sounds like a comment on the new engine :grin2:
I particularly liked the German's phrase:
"We are the Sword in the Hands of the Hordes of Heaven!"
It has everything: internal rhyme (Sword - Hordes), alliteration (Hands - Hordes - Heaven) and metrum. Sheer beauty.