The Limerick House

I don't know if any of you enjoy clean, clever humour, however this part of the forum seems inhabited by those members who tend to contribute themselves to the community rather than commit rapine upon it, and leave when they have their prey.
Therefore I would hope there are some here who inspire intelligence, and themselves have been inspired, and can use their wisdom and speedy current of wit to the use of more creative humour than what I have already seen.
This failed in the, "Humour Thread", and if my advertisement posted earlier hasn't put me in Contempt of Off-Topic Forum, I would like to christen a, "Limerick House".

Generally, I rule in favour of humour, and certainly in favour of true Limericks.
I especially would love to see Limericks devised by the poster, instead of well-known ones - in faithful memory of the Irish drinking games!

If this does take a place with the populace here, I will begin to author my own, (There is never any shortage of words or subjects for a Limerick!), but to start I will issue one quite unheard of, written by a New Zealander attorney, (I will add his name just as readily as I remember it!)

"There once was a man from Abnostle,
Who whilst mining discovered a fossil,
He could tell from the bend,
And the knob on the end,
'Twas the penis of Paul the Apostle".


(I'll now utter a prayer of long life!)

A new member in The Frontroom did write
A thread of limericks with humour quite tight
But the thread won't last long
If it obsseses on shlong
T'will be deletion with naught left in sight

An axe swinging tree killer called Beirut,
a guy I never quite fully understood,
is however the mod
made by Tosa, our God.
Guess I'll say that his limerick was good.

No offence big guy, just the only thing I could come up with.

A verse dripping with sarcasm,
Spewed from the mouth of a dark chasm,
Well I can't ignore it,
So you'd best withdraw it,
And desist from your verbal stark spasms

:p I'm starting to like you.

Tell us who do you speak of dear Glenn
When you limericked in that post way back when
You spoke of sarchasm
That came from a spasm
And it drove you right over the bend

The frontroom sat there quietly and watched
As two grown men pulled out the stops
I sat back with a snicker
As the toddlers bickered
And opened up a new bottle of scotch

Ha funny :laugh4:

Beirut,

You know very well who I censured,
But I do wish others would venture,
To write of their mothers,
Or lovers, or brothers,
For the sake of my Limerick tenure.

Therefore, in the eyes of all,
This cannot be personal,
Write me a riddle,
Of a man from Al Weidl,
Or Jeddah, or Georgia, or Gaul.

Do I play Nero while the Frontroom is burning
Do you not think from your rhymes I am learning
I shall not stand idle and fiddle
While you acost with great riddle
And as poets we set stomach's a turning

I'm sorry - your poem made no sense,
But, Beirut I believe you not dense,
So I'll give you a chance,
To gather your stance,
In creativity and present tense.

You mock me, dear sir, with your pen
Well then hear of dark futures when
My pen will do battle
Causing foundations to rattle
Prepare for poetry warfare my friend

From a post of mine about a week ago in the Citadel:

Quote:

---

There once was a thread on the Guild
That was entirely filled
With posts of pure drivel
In tones most uncivil
And so it was eventually killed.

---

Now, you see he has the idea,
Whereas your threats are unclear,
You promise war and battle,
On and on you rattle,
When I've already won, I fear.

So I will write you an example,
Of a proper poem, a sample,
Study it close,
The words of your host,
And answer with something ample.

There once was a man from Quebec,
And from him we can only expect,
To hear him compose,
Lines rather prose,
Even if he's moderate-elect.

Please tell me DevDave is banned from this thread.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Glenn

So I will write you an example,
Of a proper poem, a sample,
Study it close,
The words of your host,
And answer with something ample.

---

An ample solution of rhyme
Should not take too much of my time
But limericks are short
My Bardish cohort
A true poem has more than five lines

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Vladimir

Please tell me DevDave is banned from this thread.

---

A limerick thread, trouble could mean
Since themes tend towards the obscene
This thread, it was prime
For bannable rhyme
But Dave's nowhere to be seen.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

~D Sorry, best I could do

In the Holiday spirit...Even if it's a little late.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who was fat, jolly, and scarlet
He felt far too warm
And liked snowstorms
Thus decided to move from Nantucket

He didn’t have a car or a truck it
But he didn’t want to quit and say "f*&# it!"
So he gathered up some reindeer
Tied ‘em to a sleigh, my dear
And flew to the pole as he trucked it

To this day he does not miss Nantucket
‘Cause he has got all sorts of junk it
Which every Christmas eve
He pulls out of his sleeve
And gives to the children of Nantucket

~:cheers:

Well that wasn't quite easily flowing,
But at last this thread's finally going,
And people are joining,
With their jesting and fawning,
As Beirut is desperately blowing.

I delight at the sound of this Dave,
His rhymes sound awfully brave,
I hope he will grace,
This lowly place,
And write me the jokes I crave.

There once was a man named Dev Dave,
As a man he was hearty and brave,
To the Mods he was a fearful sight!
With a heartful of song and a pocket stuffed with dong
I know he won't leave us for long

(It's nice how well long rhymes with dong, don't you think?)

A well written rhyme need not be crude,
for limericks to be fun without offending a prude,
talk of things long,
that don't here belong,
should be replaced with something less rude......


(God that was awful - this is more difficult than it looks)

Quite oft' when people talk of money,
The less mature think it's quite funny,
With their knowledge of markets quite lame,
Themselves they have only to blame. :no:
What do they think of Poo covered in honey?

(Do not be nasty towards your fellow Orgsters in the Frontroom - Beirut)

It seems that the poster above
didn't spread feelings of love
but Bierut stepped in
So now lets begin
and rhyme about more gentle stuff.

In the gameroom there are many thing to do
Like signing up for CDTC two,
you really should play it
I just had to say it
now go and spread the word too!

The prospect of a large mafia game
has caused members to go quite insane
with moderators a spamming
and poets a hamming
threads rapidly become quite inane!

Not mine, but written by a pal in High School c. 1980.

There once was a young lad at Trinity,
Tried to take the square root of infinity,
But the number of digits,
Gave him the fidgets,
So he dropped math and took up Divinity.

Apologies to Glenn, I just meant it in a light-hearted way, didn't mean any offence.

I did try to come up with a limerick for an apology, but I couldn't come up with any words that rhyme with apology or sorry, and my user name doesn't exactly lend itself to poety either.:embarassed:

There once was a man with no life
well, he did, but it was so full of strife
so he typed on forums
to cure his boredoms
but still can find no relief

The last word didn't exactly rhyme, but you get the picture.~:handball:

I suffered an absence of note,
Yet my house is visibly afloat,
Some attempted offence,
And were patronised thence,
But I forgive them for whatever they wrote

Now though there are some riddles here,
Good Ship - it wasn't in the middle, clear,
Moros, you lost it,
At the end of your slosh-pit,
So morbidly I shed a little tear

Beirut has routed from sight,
For fear or out of spite,
Will someone attempt,
To speak contempt,
Or with their words cause slight?

There was a soldier from Rome,
Who under Pompeius had combed,
All lands near Utica,
For the gold or booty - ah!
But Sulpicius had him stoned.

Neither spite and certainly not fear
Has caused my absence, my dear
I like to write
But five lines is too tight
I prefer real poems when my pen gets in gear

It's the same with women as with rhyme
To play too quickly can be a crime
Just because you cannot last
Beyond a moment so fast
Don't blame the rest of us for taking our time

So anytime or anywhere
My pen is up to the dare
If you ever feel
To battle with poems quite real
I stand ready for literary warfare :knight:

Yet you standby without engaging,
While the war is duly aging,
Whilst you are ridiculed,
Your, "Jokes", and riddles drooled,
As I wait for the attack you're staging.

As for women, you're quite off rhythm then,
And I'm sure they'd dislike your ditherin',
Or your base resort,
To the shirky sort,
Of offense to my verbal slitherin'

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Beirut

So anytime or anywhere
My pen is up to the dare
If you ever feel
To battle with poems quite real
I stand ready for literary warfare :knight:

---

NICE!!
My writing hand is quaking with fear. You offer is clearly not one to be trifled with.
:surrender2:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TinCow

From a post of mine about a week ago in the Citadel:

---

I believe that was my post,
It was nothing like the coast,
I suck at Rhyming and Limericks,
So I'll just end this now,
Refrigorator.

What happened to my beautiful house?
And Beirut, the bumbling grouse?
For I put out another,
Rhyme to be covered,
But the flame of this thread has been doused.

The problem with such a short ditty
Is it requires one not to be witty
But simply of good cheer
Such as brought on by beer
Just a literary Walter Mitty


(Oh Ka-Ching! 3 points to the dog for the ending on that one!) :applause:

Don't you dare applaud yourself,
And your, "Ditties", I constantly shelf,
You've improved, I know,
But there's no need for show,
Or may you be smitten by Delph-

Oh!

Wait I can think of a second,
Of any subject to be reckoned,
To write five lines,
With a few clever rhymes,
Then give it a quirky check - and..

There once was a girl over Burma,
Who was heading for Terra Firma,
How she got there, who knows?
But when she hit, I s'pose,
Nobody could really confirm her.

*****

Oh dear, that was gruesome and terrible!
I have to pay more attention to this thread!
I hope my failure convinces others to try.

There once was a man from peru,
who drempt he was eating his shoe,
He awoke with a fright,
To find that his dream had come true.

(yes I know I'm not creative)

There once was a man from peru,
who drempt he was eating his shoe,
He awoke with a fright,
and startiling delight,
To find that his dream had come true.

(yes I know I'm not creative)(disregard top one I thought of a way to make it better)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jkarinen

There once was a man from peru,
who drempt he was eating his shoe,
He awoke with a fright,
and startiling delight,
To find that his dream had come true.

(yes I know I'm not creative)(disregard top one I thought of a way to make it better)

---

Heh. That was actually pretty good. It got a good chuckle out of me. :laugh4:

Thanks but I stole it. or atleast I think I did. I remember I've heard it before but not where.

That limerick was copied, I know it,
Heard too many times to show it,
Can't you think of a new,
Man from Peru?
Or is Beirut the sole competent poet?

Ha ha ha, I love making them up like this! I learnt to do so on the run in this thread as a matter of fact..

I knew of a lad from Novato,
With a brain soft as a tomato,
He couldn't think of a verse,
So he left to rehearse,
Down the club with his shiny stillatos.

(I think that's the right spelling... High-heeled shoes in any case. Ha!)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Glenn

That limerick was copied, I know it,
Heard too many times to show it,
Can't you think of a new,
Man from Peru?
Or is Beirut the sole competent poet?

Ha ha ha, I love making them up like this! I learnt to do so on the run in this thread as a matter of fact..

I knew of a lad from Novato,
With a brain soft as a tomato,
He couldn't think of a verse,
So he left to rehearse,
Down the club with his shiny stillatos.

(I think that's the right spelling... High-heeled shoes in any case. Ha!)

---

stilettos

Improvise!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Glenn

I knew of a lad from Novato,
With a brain soft as a tomato,
He couldn't think of a verse,
So he left to rehearse,
Down the club with his shiny stillatos.

---

These aren't my card,
Limericks are hard,
as you can tell I aint no bard,
But I'll try a hand or two,
Hoping for a tip or three

Oh lad I'm so glad ye asked!
For I thought this were lost in the past!
A tip you'll receive,
You are my Eleve,
Come and fight in my house of glass!

You shall require vocabulary,
Of a size undoubtedly scary,
Then think in the beat,
Of the Limerick sweet,
And write of a Jill or a Mary.

---

A mate of mine, Jed, was a waiter,
Who once fought an alligator,
Well that was a lie,
But it caught your eye,
I'll think of a true one later..

My vocab is quite large,
Like a barge, used to describe,
A large craft,
With no propulsion to its own.

The above sucks quite much,
and from two weeks is way to much,
for that is how long,
it took me to pong,
The right words into place.

(yes it really took me about two weeks to come up with that but heres one I accidently came up when TosaInu edited my post)

______________
But here is my reply,
Its almost as big as to die,
TosaInu the admin editing the post,
never did think he'd check this host.
-----

(ehhh still dont have the ability to edit i noticed a mistake in the above. I meant that my request for help took two weeks to come up with, the other stuff was just kind of there on the spot.)

My post as you say,
Do not like to play,
I prefer to stay,
Poems are ment to be in the fray.

(>9000 points for ending each on in ay.)

The points don't mean anything,
Just there for Jesting,
Like that one show,
Whos line is it anyway?

yet again my ability to edit hinders my works to make it look as though I am hogging...
Redo:

The points don't mean anything,
Just there for a jest of things,
Like that one show,
Whos line is it anyway?

Add:

I want this to live,
I find it quite fun,
I'm just hoping beruit,
Will show me a pun.

I suggest that you learn how to edit!
We admit that you have little credit,
But I invite you to jest,
In any style you'd request,
But not a limerick, by god, I would dread it!

As for the governing axe,
His poem structure rather lacks,
So full of hot air,
It seems I swear,
His heart is but withering flax.

---

You know that mate of mine, Jed?
Well this morning I found him dead,
Smit with ego he saw,
What I wrote on the board,
And little else needs to be said!

:laugh4:

"So full of hot air"