Dealing with loss

[Mikeus Caesar]

First, let me explain the background behind the reason for this thread.

Last year on June 21st, my dear friend Joe took his own life. The reasons for this are many, but one of the major reasons was due to something i did. In other words, he killed himself in part due to my actions. He was truly my best friend. More than a friend, people described us more as brothers than friends. I've been able to show as if i'm coping with it, but on the inside i'm in perpetual turmoil. I can cope with the guilt from having been a major factor in his death, but i can't cope with his actual death. I can't cope with the fact that i no longer see his goofy grin everyday. I can't cope with the fact that all those moments are now only remembered by me.

And thus, here i find myself. Alone on a strange continent, drinking myself silly at least once a week, lamenting my loss. Alone. It's like i've lost my soulmate.

What do i do, .Orgahs? What do i do?

At points, combined with my sadness at the loss of Joe, i just feel like i can't go on. I manage to drag myself onwards, see the better things in life, but at times like now, with my current family situation, i just can't see those better things. Everything good in my life is slowly being lost, just out of my reach never to be touched again.

My life is literally falling apart before my eyes, because one ******* took a comment too seriously and got tipped over the edge, destroying the lives of those closest to him.

God help me.

[Adrian II]

You have clearly been punished enough. Stop hurting yourself. This is your life, not Joe's. So stop it right there.

Consider your lost friendship as a promise. You can make good on it by being a dependable friend to others. I guess that may be your real problem: that you don't want to commit because you don't want to go through this ever again. Trust me, you won't. You've learned your lesson. Now move on.

[ICantSpellDawg]

Try to move on. Go to mass and ask God to forgive both of you. Try to move on. Words didn't do this to your friend.

My friend passed in an instant last year and that hurt enough. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I said something that I regretted right before it happened.

[FactionHeir]

If its just you remembering him, then do something productive and for instance look at old photos and videos and see if you can create a collage to tribute him, showing others how much he meant to you and sharing the pain.

That way you make his death mean something and also have something to cheer you up.

[Mikeus Caesar]

FactionHeir - his death meant nothing though. His death was an idiotic spur of the moment thing that completely mine and other peoples lives. I can't make it mean anything because i only have a few, very cherished, old pictures of him.

TuffStuff - i appreciate what you're saying, but i don't do religion. Yes, i believe in God, but i don't follow any religion. I worship him in my own way, and don't believe he gets angry because i accidentally got my friend to kill himself. He just gives us guilt as a way of learning, and helping us make our own decisions about our actions. Yay free will. You're right though about not knowing how you'd feel if you influenced your friends actions. It's awful, and you don't ever want to know how it feels.

Adrian - it's not that i'm punishing myself, it's just that no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i force myself, i can't bring myself to cope with. Our lives were so intertwined that it's like a piece of me died with him. And when you go through something as major as that, you end up feeling like you're dead to the world. You're completely alone.

[Mikeus Caesar]

I have no edit button, so i'll fix this here.

[quote]his death meant nothing though. His death was an idiotic spur of the moment thing that *completely ruined mine* and other peoples lives. I can't make it mean anything because i only have a few, very cherished, old pictures of him.

[FactionHeir]

Oh, I wasn't quite sure whether your paragraph 2 and 6 were the same person or not. I assumed they were different...

In that case, don't blame yourself. Think about why it ruined your life and why you feel so down about it (besides that you think its your fault). Then you can tackle the issue.

[Mikeus Caesar]

Oh, I wasn't quite sure whether your paragraph 2 and 6 were the same person or not. I assumed they were different...

In that case, don't blame yourself. Think about why it ruined your life and why you feel so down about it (besides that you think its your fault). Then you can tackle the issue.

I can deal with it being my fault, it's the fact that as i explained earlier, it's like a part of me has been lost. We were just beginning to plan our summer and then bam, out of the blue this happened. His death was like taking out the vital piece in a jenga tower. Everything fell to bits. All those plans, all those memories. All lost, like tears in the rain.

[FactionHeir]

Right, but that was last summer. Why does it start bothering you again now, almost a year along?

[Mikeus Caesar]

Right, but that was last summer. Why does it start bothering you again now, almost a year along?

Because i realise that since he has gone, i have done nothing, my left has meant nothing. When he was around, every day was different, every day was fun.

Now everyday is empty, devoid of hilarity, stupidity.

Those 20 steps from the funeral, they were the end of an era. The end of a lifestyle.

[rotorgun]

First of all Mikeus, let me say that there are no words I can offer which can possibly lesson the anguish that you have been feeling. I can only say that I understand it very well as I am too dealing with this very issue. I just buried one of my best friends last week who took his life. The suddenness of his act hit so hard on me that I actually almost fell down when I heard the news-literally going weak at my knees. I couldn't believe what had happened, and then remembered a conversation I had had with him some years before about the act of suicide. We both agreed that if one was so ill with a terminal illness that they felt that it would be intolerable to go on, than that would be the only reason to justify such an act. Of course I was immediately overcome with a feeling of guilt. Had my words of agreement helped my friend to make up his mind? If so, they were daggers to my soul.

The only thing that I can cling to that helps me get through, and getting through is all that I can hope for, as there is no getting over this, is the fact that we all live alone within ourselves. My friend Nick made his own choice, and I must respect that choice even though it hurt his family and friends deeply. We all feel cheated that he didn't allow us to help him, but it was still his free choice. We are all incapable of making a judgment on each other when it comes to such things. The best we can hope for is forgiveness. Forgive your friend his selfish act and thereby forgive yourself. It's the best way that you can honor him. I find that talking to my friend when I am alone and I'm thinking of him is very healing. I know that sounds strange, but it works for me.

I would also like to encourage you to consider looking to God. I know you say that you don't do the religion thing, but that's not what I'm talking about. God is within us all friend. He is meek and lowly and wants to commune with you. You have only to open the locked door of your mind to hear his voice within you. Meditate upon this and you'll know that truth.

I am praying for you, and hope that I have given you some small comfort. Remember that we are your friends here at the Org.

[Adrian II]

Remember that we are your friends here at the Org.

Yeah, and remember that we take long vacations and have bad connections that may break down any moment. Just when you need us most we may be gone fishing, praying in church, playing football, walking the dog or breaking into that big house down the block to steal the antique silverware.
In other words, we're here, but we're not there to help you when it is most needed. Look for 'real life' people to help you, if that is what you want.

All I can say is that you seem to have come a long way. You have come to realise that your friend's act was not only desperate, but also spiteful and unwarranted. And you have realised that it's not guilt that's eating you, its the loss of something unique and valuable. If that is how far you've got in a year's time, and mostly without outside help by the sound of it, I think that shows remarkable character. You have it in you to move on. Please do so.

[Makanyane]

both above posts are a lot wiser and more helpful than I can do....

only bits to add:
don't feel like you're failing by not having got over things / on with your life yet.. something so traumatic will take a long while to get past - its not surprising to go through a worse phase after you've got beyond the initial 'coping' phase.
That doesn't mean that the way you feel at the moment won't improve with time though - just that the time might be a bit longer....

you sound very depressed at the moment, that's very very understandable due to all above, but do bear in mind that once you feel like that it can become a thing in itself which is very hard to break out of. Not impossible just hard. That's something you can need real world help to get around, definitely do try and tell people in RL how you feel as well as talking to us.

and erm, having tried it, believe me alcohol and depression really don't help each other...

[Kralizec]

I can deal with it being my fault, it's the fact that as i explained earlier, it's like a part of me has been lost.

I guess that in most cases of suicide, there are always plenty of people who feel guilty because they think that they shouldn't have said this or that, or should have seen it coming. It's all hindsight.

Joe is gone, continuing to mourn him all the time isn't going to bring him back and neither will drinking. I can only underline what other people here have said...go out, and make new friends.

[Caius]

Remember: God is good, Joe is with God, Joe is and will be fine.

I have done smaller mistakes in my life, those did not take that far than your situation. Its true, they will follow you sometimes, but you have to continue.

My 2 cents.

[Husar]

That's an interesting problem I never had to deal with, be it because I never lost someone that close or never had someone that close over such a long time. I know it can be quite hard to find someone who is such a close friend to you, but maybe you have to learn to let go and try to find another one not like him, but someone who makes you happy as well as a good friend. It may take time, but I hope you'll get there and wish you all the best with that, just don't give up and try to let go of some things you seem to cling on to, it may be a bit sad to move on but it's better for you and forward is the only way in time.

Yeah, and remember that we take long vacations and have bad connections that may break down any moment. Just when you need us most we may be gone fishing, praying in church, playing football, walking the dog or breaking into that big house down the block to steal the antique silverware.

Sounds just about like most of my RL "friends".

[Mikeus Caesar]

Thanks for the replies guys, it's given me alot to think about.

Makanyane - you're right, alcohol and depression don't mix at all. I woke up this morning somehow in the living room. Nor do i remember making my last post. I've felt terrible all day, like death. And i can't get the taste of whisky out of my mouth. Everything i eat or drink tastes of whisky. I can smell it everywhere. And, ultimately, i feel even worse mentally, thus making me feel even worse emotionally. Bleh, would've been easier on me if i'd smashed my head into a wall.

But yes, thanks again for the replies.

[pevergreen]

A few options I see:

post on /b/ ( You have to admit it)

I havent had these exact feelings, but i've had close. I also cannot find outside cleansing. I take it out through games. I guess thats why I use to play TW a lot. It gave me a chance to ruin and kill in the memory. Revenge for them kind of thing.

Talk with close friends, they will help you. I would reccomend to stop drinking (purely because im against it )

If nothing else, load up on some funny videos. Always good. PM me if you want some links to free ones.

[Mikeus Caesar]

A few options I see:

post on /b/ ( You have to admit it)

In other words, no. Also, i don't really go on /b/ much anymore. Seeing the same things posted 20 times a minute isn't much fun.

As for the funny videos, it would depend on their content - if it's silly slapstick, then it'll just make me dour and i'll spend the entire video making sarcastic comments. If it's classy and subtle humour, go for it

[macsen rufus]

I can't add a lot to the advice so far, except the old adage that "time heals all". Losing anyone close will leave you with both guilt and anger, and suicides are probably the hardest to come to terms with. In time, the turmoil will subside. For now, concentrate on good memories, rebuild a new social circle, and try not to damage yourself too much with the whisky. In a new country this will add some problems - maybe no one else around who remembers your friend to share memories with, but also you have less social baggage, a fresh start should be easier. But really, give it time, it will get better, and you'll come more to appreciating what you did have, and the pain of what you lost will lessen. I won't say "be strong" cos that leads to you bottling things inside and not facing up to them - I've been there, and it's not good for you, it stews and ferments and goes toxic. Allow yourself to be weak for once, if you have a friend you really trust, then let it all out - if not, you could do worse than speak to the Samaritans, they're not just there for potential suicides. If you really can't face another human with this, then take a hike into the bush and scream yourself hoarse where no-one can see. Good luck.

[Vladimir]

Depending on your personality a hike in the bush may be a perfect remedy. Surround yourself with life and beauty and it will help. May not be a good idea if you're south of the equator though. It's spring time here.

[Mikeus Caesar]

Depending on your personality a hike in the bush may be a perfect remedy. Surround yourself with life and beauty and it will help. May not be a good idea if you're south of the equator though. It's spring time here.

I'm south of the equator and it's winter/autumn (i'm not sure if they have autumn). Summer just ended a month ago or so.

I might go for a hike at some point. I've been wanting to just get away from it all for a while.

[Seamus Fermanagh]

Drink and melancholia are not the answer. Were it so, Ireland would now rule the planet.

Also, if you're going through a long stretch of gray days, this may be affecting your mood. Skip the liquor for a bit and try a tanning booth before the hike -- photosensitivity/mood connection is not a joke.

Earlier comments about time are apt. Time heals nothing, but over time you learn to cope with your sense of loss more effectively. I sell life insurance for a living, and I therefore get to meet more grieving widows/parents than most on an ongoing basis. Grieving after an unexpected death is not a 6-month and move on recovery -- you'll be feeling badly about it for 2 years or so (and will never forget it entirely). This is NORMAL and given your love for your pal APPROPRIATE as well. Don't try to shortchange your grieving -- you need to let it happen.

Of COURSE you are feeling survivor's guilt and you haven't come to terms with it as yet -- who could have in your place? Intellectually you're aware that nothing you could have done/said would have "driven" your friend to take his own life. Some other set of issues/problems/events led him to his decision -- he sought this way "out" of his own volition and as a means to end his problems. As a friend, you would not -- virtually COULD not -- have been the source of those problems. Nor were you trained, equipped, and in place to act as a therapist for him. You did NOT miss the call.

So it's perfectly all right to feel bad about this, and to feel bad about this for a long time -- your own emotions over this loss are, ultimately, the best way you can honor him.

I too would advise prayer -- even if you are not churched. Remember, prayer is not always that of a penitent gazing with worshipful eyes. Anger, questions, vented frustrations -- all this can be prayer as well. Prayer is you focusing on becoming closer with the almighty.

God Bless and keep you.

[Kagemusha]

Seamus is completely right. Time heals nothing. What you have to do is to let go. In this life we meet some wonderful people, but in the end death separates us all. It feels terrible to loose an important person, but reasons why that kind of experience can turn your life in to a bad direction, are the wrong reasons.
We cant own people. And death if anything slams that fact in to our faces. Do you think your friend would be happy to see you miserable and wailing in your sorrow, while loosing touch in your own life?
His death cant destroy your life by itself. It is your own choice whether to make your own life bad and blame it to his death. What you need to do is to let him go and live on your life. Which i think your friend would wish you to do so also. Nothing can take away all the good memories of the things you shared with your friend, but the fact is that he is not with us anymore and you have to go on in your life in pursuit of more happy memories for the future.

[Fragony]

What other's said, just wanted to wish you good luck handling this, been in a similar situation.